Possilbilities.

They're endless.

Yesterday I ran (jogged, but this is my version of running as of now) a mile on the treadmill at the gym. If I can do this, anything is possible in life.

I haven't ran a mile since the 6th grade when everyone had to for the president's fitness test. I faked turning my ankle with a very dramatic fall in an attempt to get out of this. It didn't work, and I remember being dead last out of all of the girls. It was pretty much humiliating and my time was something ridiculous like 18 minutes.

Yeterday's time was around 15 minutes. I didn't have any intentions of running...I was just going to walk on the treadmill, but once I got on there, I got the urge and then I didn't ever feel like I was going to die from lack of oxygen like it usually does when I run.

I haven't been proud of myself much about anything in a long while, but this deserves a gold star in my book.

Tuesday To-do

From last week's list:
Format/Design invites with Fiancé.
Ask him kindly to start gathering addresses for the ppl I gave him a list of a month ago.
Type up addresses from the family list my mother hand wrote.
Create Bridal Shower guest list for Maid of Honor, which I've been promising her for the past two weeks or so.

3 out of 4 isn't too bad....and we are going to mess around with the invites tonight.

This week's list is not wedding related, it is a list of things I need to do for myself in the next week:
Excerise every day.
Write down everything I eat.
Clear my head before bedtime.
Not worry over things I cannot control.

*EDIT/UPDATE 4/29/09*
We formatted the invites last night so that is taken care of...now we just need to get ink and start printing! Oh and I need to type up address labels with all the fancy Mr. & Mrs. crap too. 4 months from today is THE day Craziness!

Gag.

As anti-bride as I have become....I'm beginning to be excited about the wedding for a few reasons. I am beginning to be excited to be the bride. Warning: gushing over love and wedding things follows, so if you can't stomach it right now, turn away.

Mostly, Fiancé and I have somehow evolved into this extremely functional-we-don't-fight-about-anything stage of our relationship even whilst planning the wedding. I'm not complaining or trying to toot my own horn, I'm just amazed to how this happened.

history: In our early years, we never fought about anything. We discussed a few times when there were slight problems...ie: he kept comparing me to his most recent crazy ex in front of people, and I just had to tell him, in private, this was not cool. I told him once and it never happened again. Once we moved in together, we went the first 6 months without any major problems...and then just an occassional growing pain type fight you encounter when you live with someone long term.
Now that we are approaching our two year mark on living together, becoming engaged and planning a wedding AND dealing with the usual problems with Kiddo's mom, we've had some shitty arguments. The last being in March, which was when I decided we were done arguing over anything wedding related. We would compromise or drop it, and I would stop pushing him about what he needs to do and just let him take care of things. He is responsible and if I don't bug him about it, he'll get it done sooner and not feel resentful about doing so.
We've been on this high since then....doing good things for each other and cooking together; overall just enjoying each other's company and appreciating each other. It's mushy-gushy type of stuff, but I can't get enough of it. I'm sure we'll do something in the next 4 months to ruin this, but hey, that's life.

The second reason for heightened excitement about the weddings is my shower is coming up soon...this means presents and cake and mimosas, oh my! I never had a birthday party growing up....my family never had the money for all the crap that went with a kids birthday (decorations, favors for the other kids, etc...) so it was just a few gifts and a dinner out to Bill Knapp's with my grandparents since I shared my birthday with my grandpa and my mom's is two days later. I have been saying for a while now I'm only doing a shower because my mom didn't get to have a traditional one for my sister and since we registered for so much stuff it would be rude not to but I'm secretly excited about it. A whole party for meeeeeee! Where I get to be pretty and people will give me presents and I don't have to play the games (even though my girls have been forewarned about making the games as cool as possible, since I hate them) Shhh though, don't blow my cover, I have a reputation to uphold.

So in conclusion, my mood matches the weather today: gorgeous and sunshiny. Sorry if this post induced vomiting.

PS-It's Kiddo's Birthday today! Happy Birthday Kiddo, you are an amazing person, and are growing up into an awesome little woman!! xoxo

Denial?

I love babies. Other people's babies, that is.

Chloe Ann: most laid back baby ever.

This brings me around to the topic I've visited before: not wanting my own little bundle of joy. I love cuddling them, dressing them and playing with them...I don't even mind feeding them, but then I give them back to their parents to do the dirty work and the actual parenting. I don't know if I would ever consciously choose to create something I would be responsible for rearing. I don't think I'm that selfless; I don't think I would be very good nor would I enjoy it as much as some people do.

This is why I've always taken great precaution to keep accidents from happening, and will continue to do so. Five years ago, it would have been pretty much the worst thing I could have imagined. Now, it is almost as if I wouldn't know what I would do until I was actually in the situation. I'm about to get married and I'll be 25 this September. Some people would even go as far as to call me an adult, even though most of the time, I don't feel like one.

I sort of hope to have this figured out in the next three years or so, because although I'm not sure if I'm up for having kids or not, I do know if I want to have them, it has to be in the next few years. I don't want to have a relationship like my mom and I did....not really liking each other until I moved out.

Tuesday To-do's.

Inspired by my pal Tabs over at http://tabulouslyme.blogspot.com/ I have decided to start a weekly Tuesday To-do's posting, mirrored after her Totally Awkward Tuesdays(stolen fromhttp://tovadarling.blogspot.com/ ). I am an avid list maker and I think goal setting is a good way to stay organized.
This first week is centered around wedding planning, because like it or not, I have a wedding day come August 29th that is getting closer as I type. They won't all be wedding related, but until after mine, there's a good chance it's going to pop up from time to time.

My short list to hopefully be completed before or on next Tuesday:
-Format/Design invites with Fiancé.
-Ask him kindly to start gathering addresses for the ppl I gave him a list of a month ago.
-Type up addresses from the family list my mother hand wrote.
-Create Bridal Shower guest list for Maid of Honor, which I've been promising her for the past two weeks or so.

It is a bunch of not-fun wedding planing stuff. The invites might be fun, but then again, might not.

If anyone feels the urge to make a short list of tasks they need to do before next Tuesday, there is no better time than the present!

Costs.

I am thankful for this job...I preface the following statement with this fact.

I do not know if I have ever felt this level of dread associated with getting out of bed and coming to work before today.

Yes, I can pay my bills but at what price?

I can see why people previously in this position weren't happy. It is a very lonely job....and sometimes very frustrating, but I will persevere.

I am thankful for this job....but that doesn't mean I can't wish I were still snuggled in my bed with my adorable Fiancé on this rainy Monday.

Today will be okay....I have lots to keep me busy and Pandora to keep my ears full of good tunes. I am also going to the gym on campus after work for the first time. After lazily sitting on my arse for most of yesterday (this included a 2 hour block of cat-napping whilst Fiancé played Call of Duty 5) I am ready to stop being so sedentary. Plus it might boost my spirits about having to come here day in and day out. With 131 days until the wedding, and me not feeling so great about my forearms, I think its time to take some action.

Happy Monday...try to find your silver lining, it seems to help me on rainy days.

Dis-connect.

This will most likely be a very disjointed, unorganized and whiny sort of thing due to me being out of the loop for the past two days because I'm in this god awful, snooty, rich suburb of Chicago. Seriously, this place has sucked the joy out of my usual happiness about staying in a hotel. And you should see these houses. And the amount of Audis/BMWs/Mercedes/Porches I've seen is ridiculous.

I brought my MacBook, thinking being a very nice hotel, there would be free WiFi in the damn, overpriced place...I swear I saw it say so on the website, but who knows. I was wrong. $9.95 for a connection that expires the next day at 3pm. So if I wanted interweb for both nights I'm here, it would be $20. I'm poor and was just generally annoyed by this, so I said, no way. Then I remembered there was a "business center" with a computer and fax and copier. i go to check it out, and its $4.95 for the first 10 minutes and then $.10 for each additional minute. So no internet at the hotel. Bummer.

Then I decide, hey, I'll go workout for a while. I head down to the gym and there is also a day spa at this hotel, so there's a counter and receptionist there.

She tells me there is an $8 charge each time you come to the gym, but you can just charge it to your room! I tell her no thank you, I'll just go for a walk, since that's still free and I'm on my way. My room was pre-approved to go on my boss's work credit card...for the exact amount it will be with tax so I can't "just charge it to my room."

After this, I decide to just go drive and try to find something better to do, since the cable doesn't have anything good on. I find an outdoor mall, which was nice, but its not like I can shop right now, with the wedding and bills and having to spend $600 on new tires Tuesday before I left...and I try to find someplace reasonable to eat...like a Chipotle or Panera and of course I couldn't find shit so I end up at an effing McD's.

Today, conference lunch was seriously a bunch of weird shit I wasn't about to attempt to eat so I had chicken and soup, that's it. It was annoying...along with this conference in general. I don't know why the fuck I'm even here. We don't even use the testing program its for! I don't really even get what they have been talking about for the past two days. Plus I just don't know much about testing nor do I care.

So today I try to drive the other direction, thinking I might find something besides McD's for tonight's dinner, but nope. Here I sit, in the fanciest goddamn McDonald's on the planet. Plus I paid $2.95 for 2 hours of internet. I don't know if this is a statewide Illinois thing or what, but it fucking sucks.



Oh and I had the worst wedding dream I've had so far but in an effort to forget it, I don't want to rehash it right now. I slept awful last night, waking every hour.

So here's a recap of the sucking of Oak Brook, IL for Ms. Emmalane:
1. No free internet (this has also made me want an iPhone even more)
2. No free gym.
3. Gross snooty food.
4. stupid conference.
5. way too squishy bed/pillows causing bad sleep.
6. State of IL being hour behind OH, its just annoying.
7. Nothing besides McD's or expensive restaurants around hotel.

I can't wait to go home.

Wedding.

I just had the urge to list what I DON'T want associated with our wedding:

Calla Lilies.
Bows on the backs of chairs.
Receiving line of any sort.
Bridesmaids with matching hair, shoes, accessories.
1 Corinthians 13:4.
A long, hypocritical Christian ceremony when neither of us follow any organized religion belief system.
"it all was a blur" afterthoughts.

Things we will be doing:
DIY flowers and centerpieces.
sustainable favors, if any at all.
A short, to the point ceremony centered around the committment of marriage, not its religious meaning.
Enjoying the whole day and not stressing about all the little details :)
Catering done by local pizza places/DIY salad bar.
Celebrating our marriage with family and friends, woo!

I just stumbled upon a friend-of-a-friend's wedding photos and they could have been taken straight from a wedding mag. Why on Earth do I want to spend all this time planning a day almost identicial to this, besides slight differences in color and flower choice? All I really want is a the day to be as unique as we are...and we are pretty special people, if I may say so myself, haha.

Awesome.

This video seriously just made my day a little bit better.
Tabulous: Let me know a good night for it...I have The Sound of Music and I'll bring it over and we'll have a movie night :)

Heartbreaking.

August 2006

February 2007

March 2007

April 2007

July 2007

I woke up thinking about Little One this morning. I don't know why....there weren't any strange dreams about her, she was just on my mind. I really try to not think about the situation with her too much...it is so unfair and just plain not right. It really upsets me if I dwell on it for too long. Fiancé hasn't seen her since September of 2007, unless you want to count the day he went for the paternity test in August of 2008. He is such a great Dad and Little One is missing out on having him as a father along with being a part of a great extended family.

It really just breaks my heart that there is so little that can be done. Fiancé did what he could. He went and filed the paper work last April, he obtained an attorney, and now, almost a year later, nothing is resolved. The case was somehow terminated when Little One was moved out of state and since her mother was single when she was born, her mother has the right to do that. She has the right to keep a child from its father? A father that is willing to pay support and wants to be in his child's life? If said child's father was a drug addict or rapist I can see where this could apply, but said child's father is a good person....but that doesn't matter because they weren't married so he basically has no rights whatsoever, and the little he has, no one seems to care about.

Heartbreaking.

Determined.

To get back on the right track, you have to get out of the old rut.

I am climbing out of the rut, so to speak. I will do this. I will feel good about myself and my body and I WILL start moving more every day.

There, I blogged it, so it must come true...right?

Sometimes I think the hardest part of this whole weight loss thing for me is, I haven't been a thin person since I was about 6 years old. I have no recent memories of being in good shape, besides when I was this time last year which was when I hit a plateau and stopped losing. I was working out 4 to 5 times a week then, and I'm not working out at all these days, so I'm hoping that will boost things.

It is just very hard to do the whole visualization thing when I don't really know what I am going to look like. I don't have a "skinny picture" to use as motivation. Plus I'm afraid if I try and do this, I'm going to visualize myself too thin and never reach that mental image.

All I really want is to be happy in a swim suit....and I'm not talking a bikini or anything...I doubt I could achieve that type of body without a trainer and working out 3 hours a day. I'm not striving for perfection here...just comfortable in my own skin. Which I can do.

Looky.

I got bored at work and this is what came of it. Oh and I definitely stole the hair-do pictures from a random person on Flickr. I searched "wedding hair" and it came up and I really really like the 'do. Sort of creepy but hey, that's what happens when you put pictures online for anyone to see. Maybe someday someone will steal a picture from this blog even...hah!

The dress, veil, shoes, flowers and brooch are all mine...well, the dress isn't in my possession, but will be eventually...and I really like the necklace and I'll probably buy it soon. The face is what I hope the achieve make-up wise. The shoes are my sister's from her wedding...I'll probably only wear them for the ceremony and then go barefoot or get some cute flats. the brooch was my Grandma Lane's which we are going to figure out a way to put it in my hair. Bouquet was made a while ago and a bought the veil in February from Etsy.

Woo wedding. I don't despise it so much today for some reason. I'm actually a bit excited.

Snap-Judgement.

Today stinks. The weather sucks. I'm sleepy. My poor Fiancé has this horrible sinus infection that's given him a horrible toothache. I have this ridiculously strong urge to leave work and go home and make him soup. I don't even think we have soup at home. Today should be cancelled and everyone in Ohio should go home and snuggle and be warm.

Alas, I'm at work...and since I have a valid reason (sick and pathedic man at home to care for) to leave, I'm sure I'll be busy today.

Boo April 7, 2009.

Happy Birthday, Love.

Today is Fiancé's Birthday.

If I could buy you anything for your birthday, here's what would top the list:

1. infinite time in an awesome recording studio for the band.

2. Some sort of van (perhaps a VW Eurovan?) for band usage as well.

3. a house big enough for us and all our stuff, including space for a "man room"

4. season tickets for the Blue Jackets.

5. cooking lessons for me...which would benefit you in the long run :)

Happy Birthday Babe-xo

We spent a long weekend apart and it only ever makes me appreciate him more when he comes back...I even missed him a little and everything.

Quietly.

Last night a couple Fiance and I are friends with were in town and I met up with them for a beer or two. I thought it was nice they called me since Fiance is out of town til Sunday, and I won't lie, I don't especially like being all alone at home for more than a day. Guy friend of the couple even bought me a beer, it was sweet. Then, out of no where, we were talking about the wedding. I didn't even bring it up. He did. Once the topic had passed, all I could think is "did that just happen?"

Someone else brought up my wedding and began volunteering plans and ideas. It was so bizarre, especially since it was the male part of the couple...which is probably because the female part is one of my bridesmaids and she knows when I need to talk about things I do, but that isn't very often lately.

I've been continuing planning, albeit quietly. We are gathering addresses. Fiance has a list of people I don't know well enough to have their numbers or see them regularly that he's in charge of getting addresses for to me. We made arrangements for the rehearsal dinner, I've chosen a pattern for the flower girls dresses and I'm getting swatches of the bridesmaids dresses this weekend so we can match the colors. The photo of the cake I want has been sent to my future mother in law and she said consider it done. The Bridal Shower is semi-scheduled along with the Bacholorette and we decided to start working on formatting the invites next week. That was all accomplished this past weekend....this is what's already done.....
Ceremony music is chosen. We aren't doing "favors" because I truly feel they are a huge waste of money and resources. My dress is ordered, along with with my bridesmaids too. I have my veil and ideas about my hair. I'm on my hairstylist's calendar and she's willing to come to me as long as she does the maids hair as well. I'm borrowing my sister's shoes for the ceremony, and I'll probably find cute flip flops for after. My bouquet along with my girls and the flower girl baskets are done and we have all the materials for the man flowers and mom/g-ma corsages. The centerpieces are planned, just need assembled closer to the wedding. Honeymoon is half paid for and the flight is completely paid for. We have a ride to the airport arranged and I'm working on getting a car highly discounted/free rental for the week down there from a friend who's husband works for Enterprise. The photographer is almost paid off.

We still need to work out the logistics of the food and flatware. We also need to sit down and spend an afternoon at his parents burning cds to put on my laptop for music. I need to go buy new makeup. We need to work out the ceremony....because he doesn't like it at all and I'm not happy with it the way it is either. We need to get Fiance a wedding band; he bought mine as a set. Fiance needs to work out what the men folk are wearing, but that is all on him :)

I'm just over stressing about the wedding because really, its just a day. Nothing will go exactly as planned and I'm more concerned with savoring it and enjoying it than keeping everything perfect.

Totally Random.

1. Favorite Alcoholic Drink: Ketel One Vodka and Red Bull...I'm a sucker for the caffeine infused buzz.

2. Favorite Non-Alcoholic Drink: Really good Iced tea with lemon.

3. Favorite Place to Visit: (I don't travel enough to answer this but anyway) Beachy places.

4. Favorite Breakfast Food: I'm partial to ommlettes.

5. Favorite Vehicle: Volkswagens. I would LOVE a decked out 2008 Jetta.

6. Favorite Fast Food Spot: McD's. I heart Big Mac's like a kid loves Chuck E. Cheese.

7. Favorite Shoes: Flops. I entertain the idea that I love cute shoes, but realize I buy them and rarely wear them.

8. Favorite Sport: Hockey. Its fantabulous.

9. Favorite Thing to do in my Free Time: Read.

10. Favorite Snack/Junk Food: Salty: cheetos Sweet: just about anything involving chocolate.

Goals for Today

I haven't exactly been doing so well on the healthy lifestyle front lately. I gained 2.4 pounds since March 11th. Now I know this doesn't sound like much, but in the world where I strive to lose at least a pound a week, this is a minor set back. I'm getting back on track starting today.

short term goals:
Walk, bike or do any other moderate to high intensity activity at least 5 days a week.
Write down everything that goes in my mouth.
Buy more fresh produce and lean protein than processed low fat snacks. I'm really bad about snacking. I'll snack on low-fat things, but when its all processed crap, its really not that much better for ya.
Use my free weights at least 4 times a week.

long term goals:
Be happy in swim suit.
Stick with short term goals for at least 3 weeks in effort to make them habits.
Completely quit smoking, including social smoking while drinking.

There is a yoga session coming up at the studio right by my place in town...I'm going to call them and see if there is still room in it.