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Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Introducing



Our new kitty, Kota CoCo Von Holtsberry. She's ridiculously well adjusted for being a rescue kitty, probably because she had been living in a temporary home until we got her. I love her already.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Monday, December 7, 2009

It's the most wonderful time....

For a beer...I mean, of the year, hehehe.


The Johnson's took "getting into the spirit" just a little too far, I think Rick Moranis may have had something to do with it as well.



Something is very different about Christmas when you have kids in your life. For me, I've turned into a misty eyed sap who cries at the thought of sentimental things (including the montage scene near the end of Fred Claus with all the kids opening presents and the elves watching via the magic snowglobe...I seriously almost teared up as I typed this, I'm a freak).

Although this isn't the first side effect of kids and christmas...it is also A LOT more expensive and with the ever increasing technology of toys, I'm sure things can only get worse. Kiddo is requesting something I remember asking Santa for, and now that I'm on the other side of things, I know exactly why I didn't get my American Girl Doll that year. $95 for a book and a Doll?! Really? For a doll that doesn't do anything besides create the need for clothes, accessories and furniture? Talk about a status symbol in kid form. Now, if we had more money, I'm sure I would have obliged...I remember how much I wanted one, but that just isn't the case. Luckily, Kiddo won't be disappointed since her mother is planning on getting her one, but it won't be from Santa. She only puts small presents as "from Santa" because she wants the credit for the expensive ones. Isn't she just a lovely human being?

Everything Husband and I get Kiddo is "from Santa" at our house....she's 7, you don't need to buy her affection, especially if you give it to her like a normal human being should but I digress...
Either way, Christmas (Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice or whatev else you may celebrate) is fun with kids around, and I feel lucky to have married into a family o' children. I am also very excited to take Kiddo to a local outdoor shopping mall to see Santa, Mrs. Claus and Reindeer in a couple weeks. I did my homework and found out this shopping mall only hires Santa's with REAL beards. Kiddo is smart, and we are almost sure she is about to figure things out. Our trip to see real bearded Santa a week from Friday could go either way.

Totally unrelated: Who is sick of hearing about Tiger Woods? This girl, that's who!!

Friday, December 4, 2009

TGIF

Today I'm Thankful for....

1. My job. With the Unemployment rate at 10% I am SO FREAKING lucky to have a job and be able to pay my bills and be pseudo-comfortable...we may not be able to buy a house yet but oh well.
2. My wonderful Husband. I yelled at him, in my sleep, Wednesday night...and he still loves me.
3. My family. Seeing them on turkey day was fantastic.
4. WEEKENDS with great friends because with a job like mine, you sort of live for them.

Happy flipping Friday...go out and be thankful for something :)

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Is it awful and bad that I still dream of getting in my car and just driving with no clue where I'm going just to break the monotony of this life I've created?

I guess its not so horrible since I know I would never have the balls to do it....plus as much as I think I want to, I could never hurt the people in my life in that way. I have a lil 21st century family now and they depend on me just as much as I depend on them.

It sucks to grow up.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Eight.

That is how many pounds I've gained since September. I know this only because I had an ear infection right around my birthday in September and went into the doctor for good old antibiotics. Once again, my ear is infected, so I made the 45 minute journey (I REALLY need to find a closer doc) on Friday to come face to face with the scale. Two months= 8 pounds heavier.

Some would suggest I should get a scale to have in my home so I could keep better tabs on things. If I wasn't obsessive about my weight- without a scale in my house- I totally would, but I don't think having 24/7 access to my body weight would help anything. It would most likely make things worse.

Two months of eating my emotions. Two months of "I'll start working out tomorrow" and "no more fast food after today" and a million other broken promises to myself.

I don't think there is anything harder for me than to NOT obsess over my weight. The one time I stopped thinking about it so much, when Husband and I got into that comfortable stage of dating about 3 years ago, I gained nearly 40 pounds. Then lost it, then gained some back, then lost a bit, now gaining again. It's absolutely exhausting.

I know he loves me for me, and he loved me 4o pounds heavier, but that can't convince me he doesn't think I look fat with barely anything on. Especially knowing what his past girlfriends look like, knowing they were much skinnier than me.

I feel anxious when I feel fat. I feel like I did as a kid who was overweight with frizzy hair and glasses.

My sister is pregnant, which I'm ecstatic about, but I am genuinely jealous that she's lost 13 pounds since conception due to constant nausea.

I'm working out again...using the video I used all summer before the wedding. I like it, and it definitely gave me results then, but the biggest thing that needs to change is my eating habits. I'm finding it very hard to eat healthy due to the cost of healthy foods more than anything. It's so unfair to have to choose between healthy food and budget friendly food.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Secrets Secrets.



Is it me, or is today extra craptastic? I think its just me.....Post Secret helped a bit though.

Friday, November 13, 2009

TGIF

No, this isn't a post about abc's friday night line up from the 1990's (sorry to disappoint). It is my weekly list of random things I'm thankful for:

1. Veterans. My dad, brother, all three of my Uncles and both my grandfathers are/were soldiers. Patriotism is in my blood...even if I choose to support the soldiers but not the wars.
2. My little apartment. We don't have a yard, or even a deck, but we have someplace to call home. Plus living above a business lets us avoid expensive natural gas bills in the winter: we still haven't turned on the furnace and we probably won't. Yay for Amish installed insulation! (says the landlord)
3. The heater that came with my job. Without it, I would have to wear a snow suit to work because they also are avoiding turning on the heat at my work, however, I don't think they have good insulation, let alone, Amish installed.

Happy Freakin' Friday.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Back on the wagon.

The weight loss wagon, that is.

Heeeeeeeey!! You go girl! (Don't worry, I'm definitely not Sweatin' to the Oldies or anything of the Simmon's nature)

This week I began working out again. My quads are still screaming at me and my abs, and my arms...pretty much my entire body from the neck down is pissed off. Just a bit over 2 months of not exercising will do that to me. I'm happy to be back at it, even if things are ridiculously sore. I'm already feeling better about myself between thoughts of how to convince my husband to install a soaking bathtub with jets into our apartment. That we rent.

I am still a bit in shock of just how sore practically every major muscle of my bod is....back in August, I was kicking this workout's ass 6 days a week and now, it has me walking like I'm 85. No joke.

Now if I could get my employer to turn on the godforsaken furnace things would really be looking up. Until then, I'll sit layered and huddled near my tiny heater for warmth.

Friday, November 6, 2009

tgif, bitches.

Explanation can be read here

Today I remind myself how I am thankful for:
1. My right to vote (even in non-presidential year elections!)
2. Heated seats...enough said.
3. Messages written on steamy mirrors. They can make a morning so much better.
4. Good friends who you can be stupid with, and have those giant belly laughs with over practically nothing.


What are you thankful for today?

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Songs I love.

Do you ever hear a song and get goose bumps? It may be cheesy, but I swear this is my anthem lately. It's a goodie.



I swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun....

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Step-parenting: such a slippery slope.

When a lady finds herself in the position of step-mom, there are tons of emotional escapades that will follow. Last Friday was definitely one of the all time worst. I've never been physically ill from something that has happened, but this almost made me throw-up, I was so angry.

My oldest step daughter (AKA Kiddo around these parts) is quite possibly the best behaved 7 year old on the planet. She listens, she never back-talks and rarely throws anything resembling even a mild temper tantrum. She is very smart and it is a joy to me to be a part of her life. I've written in the past about how Kiddo's mother isn't the best female role model for a young girl so I really try to be a good person/woman for Kiddo to be around. In not so nice words: her mother is a selfish bitch.

Friday Husband and I took the day off work to figure out Halloween costumes. He picks up Kiddo from school most days, so I was along for the ride. Usually Kiddo goes to a babysitter after school for two hours, but on this day, her mother's other child (with her now husband) was sick, so Kiddo was going to her mom's instead, after we dropped off the babysitter's son, who gets a ride sometimes. All of this was explained on the short drive from their school to the babysitter's house. While husband walked the second grader to his door, I asked (the oddly quiet) Kiddo if she was thinking about what to be for Halloween next year (they had dressed up for a party this day; she was the cutest darn cowgirl ever and I was UBER pissed I didn't have my camera) and I got an "I-I-I don't know!" in between sobs. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, "I miss my Daddy!" This broke my heart. Once I recovered I asked her if she thought this was a weekend she was coming home with us, and she nodded. Husband tried his best to console her once he was back in the car, and told her he would ask her mom if she could stay at least that night with us.

I don't ever participate in the door to door drop off part of things, because, quite frankly, her mother makes me very uncomfortable, plus we don't want to give her the satisfaction of being able to see me on a regular basis. She is very judgemental and her thing is backhanded comments and snide remarks, Husband doesn't want me to have to deal with her anymore than I already do. Anyway, he takes Kiddo up and meets her mother at the front door, I can see them talking and then I see Husband pick her up and give her a long hug, which I know means her mom said no. As her child stood there crying, because she misses her father, who is WAY MORE than willing to have her spend the evening with him, she says no. What the F*CK is wrong with this woman?

(Let me add this side note: Husband pays court ordered support for Kiddo, but when it was processed, he was still in college, so they agreed to not have a formal court ordered visitation schedule, since his work schedule changed often but that they would follow it as best they could and be flexible with things. This is supposed to be Friday at 6pm until Sunday at 6pm every other weekend and one day during the week. Now that he has a 9 to 5 job, you would think this would be easy to follow except Kiddo's mom is a bitch. We haven't had her on a week day in two goddamn years, but she does stay with her Maternal grandparents 1 to 2 times per week...I know wtf is that shit?)

It made me so sad and angry at the same time I actually thought I was going to throw up for a minute once he got back in the car. He told me when her mother said no, Kiddo sobbed even louder. Its so hard to watch a woman emotionally hurt her child like that and not be able to do a damn thing about it. It is truly maddening. Plus Husband has been dealing with this for five years (since him and Kiddo's mom split) so he just buries the anger because he knows there is nothing to change her ways.

I really didn't know where I was going with this, but I feel better getting it out there, so thanks for reading.

Monday, October 26, 2009

One Day at a Time.

I've been in a serious rut of self-loathing and overall bad-moods lately. I'm hoping the changes I've been striving to make in my day to day living will help with this. The biggest being working in more physical activity. Saturday and Sunday both included walks to the library and tonight I'm planning on a stroll around town, scoping out homes for sale (even though we are in no position to buy right now, but hey I can still look) and enjoying the fall leaves. I'm taking a daily women's mulitvitamin along with a daily allergy medicine. Once we have money again (Friday) we'll be overhauling how we eat. I know with the right steps I can combat things on my own.

I'm very wary of going to the doctor about things. First, I don't even like my primary care doctor's office these days nor do I have a specific doctor I see or who even recognizes me anymore. The office that was once a small practice has been industrialized into an incorporated (probably hospital owned) business that isn't comfortable anymore to me. Second, I don't want to be medicated. I have talked to a handful of my friends about depression/anxiety meds and all of them say although they felt overall less depressed or anxious they didn't feel like themselves and their sex life beame pretty much non-existent while on things. That's not going to work for me, so I'll press on, taking things one day at a time (or at least trying to).

Monday, October 19, 2009

Secret.




Post Secret has a new book out and although I have yet to buy it, I recommend it anyways since I own two of the previous books. For more info and this week's Sunday Secrets, go to the PostSecret Website

Happy Monday...

Friday, October 16, 2009

tgif.

I need this more than ever today.... So here are some things I'm thankful for:

1. Coffee. I don't drink much in the warmer months, but through the Ohio Fall/Winter, it is a must in the mornings.
2. Journey's Don't Stop Believing. It makes me happy.
3. I'm only 25. Although I feel a lot older some days lately, I still have a lot of time to get things right in life (ie: find a job I love and finish my Master's)

What random things are you thankful for today?

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Blah blah

So I haven't had many nice things to say lately...therefore (according to the golden rule) and have been choosing to say nothing at all.

I'm frustrated once again about things in life to the point of it putting me in a not so happy place. And my inability (aka laziness/apathy) to change some really bad habits I've fallen back into. And this stupid earache I have will not go away. And I could go on, but I won't, to avoid bumming out who ever actually reads this thing.

Hopefully tomorrow I will awake with a renewed sense of determination. Or at least something to help me not be so pissy all the damn time.

Friday, October 9, 2009

TGIF

People are always "thanking God" its Friday. While I don't adhere to any belief system, I am still thankful for certain things in life:


1. The inventor of those nifty sponge scrub thingys you put soap in. When you don't have an automatic dishwasher, these are awesome.
2. Smell of Autumn....even on the rainy days like today (in the OH at least)
3. Second (and third, fourth and fifth) chances and the people who give me them.


So what are you thanking whatever omnipotent being you believe in (or lack thereof) for today....besides today? I want to try and start making this a weekly thing....to reinforce the positive and start the weekend right. So comment with your "thankful list" and humor me :)

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

No words.

I have began and quit writing this post two times already today. I'm having issues figuring out what I'm feeling, because I'm feeling many things at once.

I'm angsty. I'm facing the fact that I loathe my job and since I've been at it for over one year, I'm comfortable with the idea of looking for something else. Too bad the economy sucks right now. And I'm way overpaid for what I do. And anything I might like to do probably won't pay nearly as well. And I'm the breadwinner.

I'm sad I don't know why. Perhaps its the being 25 and not having a clue where I want to be thing, besides not where I am (career wise). Or because I feel like crap about myself since we got back from the honeymoon and my eating habits have been awful and I haven't been exercising like I should.

Add in the fact that I have been smoke free since Sunday (trying to not dwell on this....I want to make it stick for once) and I'm a big ball of craptastic ick today.

I need to focus on one thing at a time, but I feel like I can't do that right now. I just keep jumping from one thing to another worrying about one a bit, then moving on to the next, not really accomplishing anything.

The answers are easy:
1. Finish Master's, take on teaching part time to supplement income/provide a buffer for crappy job while looking for something better. Then continue teaching if I find something that pays a bit less and deal.
2. Meditate and Freaking. Exercise. (this is gigantically easier said than done for me right now)
3. Use will power while around friends who are smokers for a few weeks and I should be in the clear. Drinking will be the ultimate test.

It all sounds so easy but it all seems so overwhelming to me right now. Blarg.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Secrets etc...



What secret speaks to you this week?

***
Tomorrow I meet with my advisor. I WILL finish my Master's this time. This will be my second time since I finished taking classes that I've told myself this, but this time, its happening, mostly because my job is sucking the life (and brains) out of me and I'm going to need all the help (or degrees) I can get to find something I might actually enjoy doing. And that pays at least equivalent to what I'm making now, if not more.

Today I start exercising regularly again. Ask the husband, I've been a ball of mood swings lately, and I'm sure its directly related to my lack of activity. Not only do I pretty much thrive on those endorphins but it makes me feel good about how I look, which makes me even happier. Right now, I feel like a big fat blob. It probably doesn't help that I've been eating much like a college student PLUS I went to Oktoberfest this past weekend and drank a half gallon (ever so classy, straight from the jug) of beer and ate tons of fried things...but such opportunities only come but once a year. It was a very fun time and I didn't freeze to death sleeping in a tent due to wearing the following:
two thermal shirts
a hoodie
a Columbia Fleece zip jacket
a hat
gloves
Tights w/fleece pants over them
two pairs of socks
slipper boots
and most importantly, a well established Beer Coat.

Last year, we did not plan well, and tried to sleep in the back of Husband's Passat Wagon. Two people of our robust-ness do NOT fit comfortably in the back of a Passat Wagon, trust me on this one. It was the worst sleeping experience of my life, hands down. So this year, with our two person tent, sleeping bags zipped together and tons of blankets, it wasn't half bad. Next year though, we may invest in an air mattress.

Happy Monday.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Secret(s).

Ain't it the truth? To discover your own Secrets through others' go to PostSecret

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

TAT: Facebook faux pas

Hosted by TovaDarling Go check her out for more awesome-awkwardness.

If you don't know me, I was recently married. We got engaged on Christmas and married in August 29, 2009. Like most 20something's in this country, my online networking sites validate life's changes, so I was quick to change my relationship status on good old Facebook.

About 4 months ago, an ex-roommate I pretty much avoid contact with because she is bat-shit crazy (and not in a good way) re-friended me on Facebook.

Yes I said re-friended. She randomly deleted me on both Facebook and Myspace a while ago. For no apparent reason. Like I said, CRAZY in a very bad way.

I approve her, after giving her crap for deleting me and then wanting to be friends again, she says if she deleted me (which she did, I don't care enough to delete people) it was on accident. Riiiight.

A month goes by, and then I get the "OMG your engaged?!" comment to which I respond,
"yep."

Then about a month before the wedding, I get this lovely exchange from her:

HER: So how did he propose? Was it romantic and sweet? I'm sure ---- will be clumsy and drop the ring lol

ME:It was cute...he was acting pretty strange so I sort of knew something was up.

This is all I say because I don't feel like sharing a very private moment of ours with her let alone my facebook wall.

HER: Ha ha. -----took me to look at rings. Thats the romance i get. I had a ring all picked out but when they told me it was over $4000 I said hell no I'm not paying that much for metal. His family suggested a pawn shop since first marriages never last

GOOD INTENTIONED MUTUAL FRIEND: wow ----, way to be optimistic lol

At this point, I'm pretty baffled when I see this. Who says things like that to someone who is getting married in a month?! I wasn't sure what to do....let it lie or respond...I contemplate and an hour later respond:

ME: Seriously. He's stuck with me forever, no matter what...that's just part of it to us, working through rough spots and stuff.

Point-blank why I choose not to have this woman in my life anymore. She also texted me on Sunday (which was my 25th birthday):

Happy Birthday! Your a quarter of a century old!

Yes, thanks for the reminder...like I haven't heard that 25 times in the past week.

Borrowed Secrets


For more post-secrety goodness go to HERE

Friday, September 18, 2009

Dress at last.

I just remembered I promised photos of my bought-ten-days-before-the-wedding-off-the-rack wedding dress. So here we go:

Trying to not drag my train all over the place....and I just realized I didn't get one good picture of it. Oh well.



My new lil family
.


Old-school hometown girls.


Happy Friday everyone.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Vacation Obsessed.

We spent the 7 days post-wedding with this as our back (actually it was more like side, but you get the picture) yard. I had been very excited about the trip, but I still never considered myself a "beach" person.

Until now.

I am consumed with the planning of a return trip we are going to take next spring. Even though its far away. And I know it won't be the exact same because it won't be immediately following our wedding, but I'm hoping it will be just as awesome, if not a bit better since it won't be their rainy season. (It never rained for an entire day, but it rained every day at some point, hence the awesome price of the condo we stayed in.)

I'm not sure if this is goes to show just how much we dislike our jobs or just how badly we needed a vacation. I can be a pretty high strung individual, but give me 2 to 3 beach vacations in a year, and I think I would be A-ok.

I had been warned about post-wedding blues...how I would be so sad that it was all over. Wedding-wise I couldn't be happier it is all over. I hated wedding planning. The wedding day itself was awesome, and yes, if I could replay it just once, that would be cool. I am however quite bummed the honeymoon trip is over....but the silver lining is the blissful we-just-got-married tone of our lives right now. It's like nothing I've ever experienced before...i sort of reminds me of those first 6 months of dating, minus the anxious "do they really like me" feelings, but that doesn't really sum it up either.

It is just so strange knowing I'm going to go gray with this guy...I mean, we put it in ink and everything (completely his idea, no joke):


PS- Tattooing slightly sunburned skin is a SUPER bad idea, but what can ya do when your new hubby wants matching tattoo's with your wedding date? Oh and I changed the look around here just because a little change sometimes can do ya good :)

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Friday, September 11, 2009

Married.



August 29, 2009 was the perfect August day. It was sunny with no humidity and I think the temperature might have reached 75 degrees. I woke up suddenly at 7am and jumped out of bed with the perfect words to fix the beginning of my vows,
"So if you haven't heard, today's our wedding day...." it went perfectly with the rest.

Things went wrong, as they always do.... we never took our after ceremony walk like I wanted to, the pizza pans I bought for the buffet were too small, and we forgot to get cake cutters and serving things but those aren't the things I remember when I think about the day.

I think about his face when we saw each other for the first time in the courtyard before guests arrived, with our families peeking out the windows and hearing their collective "awwwwww" when Luke got choked up.

I remember my dad and I standing in the atrium waiting to walk in, as some of my oldest friends were arriving a bit late and as they pass my dad leans over and says, "so-and-so really put on some weight!" and I had to shush him.

I think about pulling my new husband into the auditorium because a song I really loved was on and even though neither of us really likes dancing (we cut our "first dance" off after about 45 seconds) we swayed as I rested my head on his shoulder. All I could think in that moment was:

This is it. We did it. It's our wedding.

It was amazing.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

OMG

Yesterday I was excited.

Today I am so exhausted I just want to cry, but I'm too exhausted to cry.

I need solid, dreamless sleep and I doubt I'm going to get that before next week.

Not really stressed or worried just really, ridiculously exhausted at this point.

Maybe since I'm off work starting tomorrow I will sleep better.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Success with 9 days to go

I. Have. A. Dress. (!)

Its gorgeous and a bit too much (and definitely not the Drama Dress, but c'est la vie) but at this point, I wanted a bit too much ;)

I'm holding off on posting it here until after the wedding, so you'll just have to check back!

Now I can fully focus on other wedding related nonsense for the next 9 days.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Can't Hardly Wait.

(Remember that movie? I haven't seen it in years but now I want to...)

16 days.

I've been teetering back and forth from excited to upset a lot this week....mostly due to PMS but also because I have 16 days to work out lots of things for w-day and we have about $140 to make non-food wedding purchases with...and to live on until next Friday.
And I'm scheduled for a hair cut and color Saturday at 11:30 and thats $65. I was going to get the old eyebrows waxed too, but I think I'll have to cheat on my stylist and go to Regis at the mall so I can shamefully put it on my Visa.

But still, I can't freaking wait until the 29th.
To be married (!)
To be surrounded by all the people who are important to us.
To see people I haven't seen in a long-ass time.
To meet Fiancé's out of state friend from college and to have him meet my oldest friend who lives in Chicago now (hopefully he makes it)
To have a sense of accomplishment that we did it.
To spend an entire week relaxing.

There was a time in my life I honestly didn't think I would ever be doing this, but I've never been happier and I feel more like myself than I ever have in my 24 years and 11 months of living.

Friday, August 7, 2009

22 Days and Still No Dress

This week brought a new development in my dress drama. The owner of the shop who had been arranged by the designer to recieve my dress (Athena Bridal) called me Monday afternoon. I was busily running errands at work to get ready for an event we had yesterday and I missed the call and had a voicemail from her. It is probably a good thing she left me the news on the message, because I got really upset. Like, almost-threw-my-phone-into-a-brick-wall-while-crying upset.

House of Wu (the designer) "lost" my dress. It was made and ready to go, pending payment from Sharnett Bridal back in July. When Sharnett said they wouldn't be paying for it, Wu sent them to collections and my dress went MIA at this point. I'm guessing they sold it to a warehouse bridal place or something to get their money.

The Owner of Athena's told me they placed a rush order for them to make me another dress and the estimated date of arrival is August 20. That's nine days before the wedding. And that's the best case scenario.

I spent the rest of Monday and most of Tuesday pretty pissed off and sulking. I've come to terms with it now....there isn't anything I can do but wait so I've been distracting myself with getting other things done.

If I don't have this dress the Monday before the wedding....I'll be calling off work the entire week (instead of just the 3 days before the wedding) and finding one then.

I know the universe may be trying to tell me something here...but I freaking love my dress, and I won't give up on it until the last possible moment. Plus I'm hoping things will be smooth with everything else because I've paid my dues in the whole "weddings never go as planned" arena right?

Or I just won't care if the day of things go wrong, because nothing can really top all this BS....

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Totally Awkward Tuesday: Horrors of the First Date(s)

Hosted by Tova! Go check her out!

Fiancé and I have been together for going on 4 years at this point and we are pretty much 100% comfortable with each other, but it hasn't always been this way. We were once an awkward new couple with more nerve racking moments than I wish to recall, but there are a few I keep tucked away in my mind, because of sentimental value, even if they were mortifying to experience.

My favorite spans two nights: the night before and of December 31, 2005.

Fiancé convinced me to drive up to his band's show in a small town about an hour from where I lived on the 30th. I had done the same a week earlier with a friend along for our first official meeting, but Fiancé and I had met up a movie alone between these shows and emailed a bunch so I was feeling okay that he wasn't some pyscho killer at this point.

The whole evening was sort of awkward....it was loud while the bands were playing so conversation was kept to a minimum, I think I was introduced to one of his brothers and then he got asked if I was "his woman" by an aquaintance and he jumped all over that, "oh no no, this is just a friend" (side note: he had just broke things off with someone, it was a very unhealthy relationship, and I knew about it and this guy thought I was her but it still confused the hell out of me)

At the end of the night, he walked me to my car...where I somehow mustered the courage to ask him what he was doing for New Year's Eve. He said he wasn't sure yet, but was getting over a bit of a cold and didn't feel like partying much so I told him if he wanted to just rent movies and hang out at my place, that would be cool. He said he would let me know and then there was a very awkward handshake/hug thing that happened next and then I was in my car, feeling both mortified and excited at the same time.

So he comes over the next night...I had gone and rented a horrible movie (I won't name names, but it sort of created what many call Brangelina) so we watch it...and then its almost Midnight. I insist I always have to see the ball drop, mostly because I want him to kiss me, and we flip over to Dick Clark, the ball drops annnnnnnd.......nothing. We both sheepishly look at each other, and say happy New Year and then step outside for a cigarette.

I'm very very confused at this point...He took me the movies, insisting he pay, hangs out with me at his band's show thing all night, but then freaks when I get called his woman, sits through an AWFUL movie with me on New Year's but doesn't kiss me at Midnight when I insist we watch the ball drop....? What gives?

We come back inside and I decided to see if he wanted to watch another movie, just to gage his reaction and he said sure, so I think of my most guy friendly movies, and I come up with Baseketball, (one of my all time favorites) and he tells me how much he loves that movie (score for me). So we watch the movie...nothing too exciting happens but then it is over, and its about 3am and he says he should probably head home.

I walk him to the door and then we stand there and I thank him for coming and hanging out and he said it was fun and then we are just staring at each other and I feel more embarrassed and awkward than I had in a very long time and then I just go in for it...and stand up on my tip toes (I'm 5'8 and he's 6'2) and kiss him real quick. He says,
"Well why didn't you do that at Midnight??" so I say, "Um, I don't know...I'm the girl!" and he says "hey, its the 20th Century" and then kisses me again, and it was great, and there were fireworks, but all I could think as soon as he left was, no, actually its the 21st Century.

To this day, I've never reminded him of his inaccurate reference to the century, mostly because its not something he would remember saying, but I always will.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Wedding prep a go-go

I apologize for the wedding heavy posts lately...I know this isn't a "wedding blog" but 4 weeks out from W-Day it is damn near impossible to not babble about wedding related things. I'll return to my randomness sometime after Labor Day, with a pinch of quarter-life crisis talk since I'll be the big 2-5 a few weeks later.


So here we are. Less than a month before the wedding. Where the H did the summer go? For reals!?

This past weekend was wedding productive. Fiancé's mom, Kiddo and I went and chose fabric for the flower girls dresses. F's mom is a bit of a seamstress and will be making the dresses sometime in the next 4 weeks. She and I also sat down and went through her music collection to fill the gaps we had for wedding music. I had everything except the dance type stuff people like at weddings.

On top of this, Fiancé got his wedding shoes (hi-top Chuck Taylor's), I got my bridesmaids their dresses we ordered from Target online and we decided to get the marriage license tomorrow and then ring/pant shop for Fiancé and for cool cake toppers tomorrow night.

Things are coming together nicely, but I'm still really, ridiculously worried about having enough money for things. C'est la vie I guess.

I talked to the dress shop Friday afternoon. We were both under the impression the designer had my dress at the distribution center in Florida. We were both wrong in assuming this. My dress is somewhere between the States and China right now. When will it end?

Friday, July 31, 2009

Crash and Burn.

Hell hath no fury like an (about to be married) woman's scorn.

Fiancé and I had words last night regarding our guest list issues. They were not pleasant words and there were probably more tears (on my part) than words at one point. I'm not going to give the play by play because it was a very stupid argument and it wasn't really resolved, besides me saying, "well that didn't fix anything so we might as well call a truce" (this was when I reached over and shook his hand as we laid in bed and he laughed at me). I'm trying not to stew about it, but it is very hard since I'm on wedding-mode just about 24/7 at this point. Which is what I blame for the argument. I'm very extreme with my emotions right now...very very happy or very very not.

I have a to-do list with more things that cost money than things that do not, until last night the list was comforting, but today it feels like the bane of my existence. Okay, its not that bad...I just want to get everything taken care of in the next week or two so I can have some major chill out time the two weeks before the wedding.

The Dress Shop still hasn't called. Last week when I talked to them, they said my dress should be in by "early next week". Well its Friday of "next week" and they still haven't called to tell me it is in. They have until 2pm to call, and then I will be calling them to figure out what is going on with things.

Hopefully the next time I blog it will be to announce I have the damn dress in my possession.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

TAT: Totally Awkward Tuesday Job-Hunting Style

Hello lovelies! This is Totally Awkward Tuesdays, hosted by the genius TovaDarling and introduced to me by my pal Tabulous, both of which you should check out, along with all the other TAT's on Tova's page.

Today I will share with you my most awkward job interview moment (thus far I should say, for I know I won't be rockin' the job I'm at now for eternity and let's face it: job interviews are much like a majority of first dates: awkward at best).

But I, like usual, digress...

It was nearing the end of last summer and I had been on a few interviews prior but hadn't landed my first "grown up" job. The interview was actually a second interview with a small private university for an admissions counselor position. I was pretty excited about the job, especially since the school that eventually becomes my employer was taking eons to get back to me and it was nice to have another option.

Anyways...in this interview there is the Director of Admissions who had been present in my first interview with them. He is about 28 I would guess and there was also the Dean of Students or some other executive-type-higher-ed-40-something-man-guy (yeah I said man-guy, like a guy barely 40 who is still hanging on to his 30s type) too.

I was being my charming self and it was more like we were having a conversation than doing an interview, although I would tie back whatever we were discussing to how much I love working in higher ed (I worked on campus the entire time throughout my college career, both undergrad and graduate school) and lots of other BS to make myself sound nice...most of it is true, I do love working in higher ed, but you know how interviews are ;)

As we nearing the end, I asked what kind of time line they were on, (basically to see how long it would be before I was offered the job or not) and Dean of Students Man-Guy starts rambling about how long things take and the bursts out with "Oh! I wanted to tell you, because I totally forgot to tell the last person we interview with, we do a background check, but not a drug screen!" then he smiles really big and pauses.......and I had to choke back a nervous laugh just because it completely threw me...did he say that to see if I would react? Why would he tell me that at all? Is this 40-something-man-guy a stoner? Really??

Did they think if I wouldn't have passed a drug screen, I would have rejoiced in front of them thus giving away how I am a drug abuser looking to infiltrate their small university? (Side Note: I will admit, at one time in my life I would have not passed, but at the time of this interview I definitely would have but my past just made this more awkward and hilarious all at once.)

I played it off, and said, "Oh, okay"and politely smiled.

They offered me the job about a week later...but my present employer offered me way more money to turn them down. At least I got an awesome/awkward interview story out of it!

Monday, July 27, 2009

32 days...

...til the wedding, and, my dress is being shipped to another store as we speak. It could possibly be there anytime this afternoon and I spoke with the owner who assured me she would call if this is the case.

I contacted the dress designer again last week and they contacted this other shop, whom they do business with in order to have it shipped there. I have to pay what Sharnett Bridal owes the the designer...but that is only about half of what I paid Sharnett in the first place. So yes it sucks, but I would've probably ended up spending that much or more on a new dress and I love my original dress so why get someting different?

We have the bridesmaids squared away as well (since their dresses were also ordered from the store that closed) a la Target online. I love me some Target!!

Somewhat related but pretty random: I came across a forum posting on my bridal networking site where a bride just bought her 4th dress, and its a month from her wedding. It said something like "I'm finally satisfied" or something. I can't imagine putting myself through what I've gone through with my dress in the past month on purpose...but, to each his own, right?

I'm actually getting excited about things...and not just excited for the honeymoon, but excited for the actual wedding day, woo woo!

Monday, July 20, 2009

F*ck it.

As of today, 40 days until our wedding, I have nothing to wear.

Wait! That't not true! I have shoes and my veil.

I returned my replacement dress. It was a very beautiful dress but I felt very fat and not pretty in it, and decided w-day is the one day I should be exempt from feeling those things.

So now I wait. I wait for the call from the store owner, or perhaps a miracle....that a package containing my wedding dress will be on my doorstep one evening. I have a few other options as well...I just really want the dress I paid for and ordered in February. BUT...if I can't have it, I'm still getting married to my lovely fiancé and that is the most important thing and I know it. He has been so great through all of this; completely supportive and somehow conveyed his "it doesn't matter what you wear" man-neutrality on my clothing for our wedding without upsetting me.

So I say fuck it. Fuck this dress bullshit and the sleep I've lost over it.

I'm getting married in 40 days!!!!!! WOO-HOO!!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

TAT: Totally Awkward Tuesdays

Hosted by TovaDarling

Awkward is not being obsessed over our wedding but being expected to be by society and even by people who have known me my whole life. People who knew I was firmly in the "I doubt I'll ever get married" club for a very long time and still being asked by them "what are your colors?"

It is drilled into girls so young to be consumed by weddings and colors and the perfect dress and the perfect day and its YOUR DAY (not "their day" because the plural actually includes the love of your life and its not even really about him.....besides that YOU ARE MARRYING HIM) and you're a princess and you're expected to be a complete bitch and make your bridesmaids wear the same dress and shoes and jewelry and hair and to be suddenly concerned with flowers and favors and colors and types of ribbon. So when I ventured out into the wide world of wedding planning, I've been met with a lot of strange looks and behaviors for not being so typical.

All I have wanted since we got engaged was to NOT be stressed in the planning process and to create a day that reflects us as a couple and that celebrates love. There have been a few small incidents, but nothing compares to my dress shopping experiences.

The first shop I went to was on a Monday evening. My sister was with me and we were not even approached by an employee until my we had pulled a bunch of dresses Then we were sort of yelled at for, because they usually only pull 5 at most at a time. Then we took pictures of me the first dress I put on and were told we weren't allowed to do that either. Great start. I had one I really liked, but I wanted to try more.

I should have done my research, and not gone to the SeventhCircleofHell for dress shopping round two, but I was on a budget, so it was off to D's Bridal for me. There I was tortured by being assigned an associate who was easily 75 years old and had a way less than pleasant disposition. When I arrived for my scheduled appointment, the receptionist at the store told me my associate would be with me soon. I asked if I should start pulling dresses, and was told oh no, they would do it for me. Cool I thought. Well, not really. She made me do that while she went to get me a slip and a bra, and then put my girls to work pulling stuff, which was fine, but then she complained if they brought dresses that were a size too small or a size too big for me to try. She didn't even ask me if I wanted one of them to help me in and out of things, she just did it, and stabbed me with her long red finger nails as she put me in and out of about 15 dresses. She had the worst people skills I had ever experienced. I am a pretty easy person to talk to, but she made me so uncomfortable. It was awful.

I later decided to purchase the favorite dress from the initial store. The day I was measured was another one laden with awkwardness. I was treated like I was an inconvenience and was rushed through the process. I'd never had measurements of any kind taken so I didn't know what to expect and the girl measuring me was a total bitch. When I asked what "private designer" meant (I was told my dress was made by one of the shops private designers) because I had some ethical concerns, the owner matter-of-factly told me, "honey they are all made in sweatshops, so unless you have a dress custom made that's where its coming from, but I've been to them, and they are that bad" and it wasn't so much what she said but how she said it. Then I was scooted out the door as fast as they could take my full payment in cash.

I felt like because I did not purchase an extravagant, princess ball gown I was treated like crap. On a later visit when I mentioned how I was looking for 3 different dresses with brown lace accents the girl helping me that day looked at me like I had lobsters crawling out of my nose.


My original dress....isn't she lovely?



Now, recent events discussed in Adventures in Wedding Planning have forced me to purchase other dress since my original one has gone MIA.


Dress number two...pretty but not perfect.



Lesson Learned: To avoid awkward moments and lots of frustration by not buying into the Wedding Industrial Complex in American Society, Elope and have an informal BBQ reception unless you can afford a full service wedding planner....or if you do buy into the WIC, more power to you...it's just not me.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Because Mondays Suck.

I'm sorry...was that blog title a bit negative? Maybe it's because my original wedding dress is being held hostage and I keep being told "how great I'm dealing w/things" well I'm about to crack, due to lack of sleep, "dealing w/things" and I general distaste for my job today.

My dear friend Tabatha tagged me for one of these, so I thought it would oblige, albeit a bit late.

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:
1. Florida. In 48 days and counting.
2. The wedding crap to be taken care of.
3. The wedding dress crap to be sorted out.
4. Getting a massage the week before w-day from my massage therapist friend.
5. Going to bed at 9pm tonight.
6. Being married.
7. Going to the gym sometime today.
8. Seeing my brother in August.

8 Things I did Yesterday:
1. Visited with my dad for a bit.
2. Shopped from 11:30 to about 5:30 with my mom and sister for something for my mom to wear to the wedding. Didn't find anything.
3. Called back dress people and left ANOTHER voicemail.
4. Bought Kiddo's Wedding Day gift and had it engraved, its a snowglobe, she collects them.
5. Bought my sister's wedding party gift.
6. Hung out with Fiancé and Kiddo for a bit.
7. Watched the first Season of Sex and the City (I'd never seen it in its entirety)
8. Drove a lot.

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
1. Sing.
2. Dance.
3. Speak another language fluently.
4. Figure out what the hell I want to do as a career.
5. Finish my Master's...this one will happen, but its not going to be fun getting there at this point.
6. NOT worry incessantly about money.
7. Cook well and enjoy the process of doing so.
8. Write a book. I don't know if I have the patience.

8 Shows I Enjoy:
1. Friends
2. LOST
3. Grey's Anatomy
4. Three Sheets
5. Ghost Hunters (not International though)
6. Jon and Kate Plus Eight, its been my guilty pleasure since BEFORE it was cool to be a guilty pleasure.
7. Myth Busters
8. This is where I remind you I don't have cable.

8 Friends I'm Tagging
This doesn't work for me, but I am tagging my three readers who aren't the one who tagged me for this:
1. ali
2. mylittlebecky
3. Ashley

Friday, July 10, 2009

Adventures in Wedding Planning.

On Wednesday morning, after I called the store my wedding dress had been ordered from, Sharnett Bridal and Prom, getting a busy signal on numerous attempts, I found this article telling me the store had closed/gone out of business.

The "ship date" for my dress given to me by Sharnett (on February 14 when I paid in cash, in full) was today, July 10, 2009. After leaving a voicemail on the shop owner's cell phone and sending an email with more than enough information and not getting a response to either, I contacted the designer of my dress directly. They told me my dress was ordered, made and ready to go, but never paid for. I had already given Sharnett my money, and now I was going to have to pay AGAIN to have them ship it to me.

There is an internet bridal gown business based out of a nearby town who is offering any bride who paid in full at Sharnett half off any dress they have in stock and their prices are already way lower because they cut out the middle part of buying the dress. They were absolutely wonderful people. They were my best dress buying experience that I wasn't even supposed to have.

So here is my new and improved wedding dress.....






please excuse my face in this picture...I was very tired of standing at this point

And if by some chance stroke of luck my original dress appears on my doorstep (which I'm not holding my breath, I was made to pay in cash, so all I have is my receipt for a paper trail and this woman has done this before) the place this dress is from will let me return it for a full refund. Oh and those little straps will most likely not be there...we were just trying them out but I don't think I like them at all.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Monday.


I would love to spend more than two days of the week in a good mood.
That's my goal this week: Stable happiness.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

MIA

I have some explaining to do, dear readers (all 4 of you....holla!!)

You see, I've been sort of lax on the blogging as of late. Mostly because I feel a very strong urge to bitch and moan every time I go to post something and I don't want to be a downer so I choose not to share on those particular days. Which lately, seems to be....well Every. Stinking. Day.

I need to get it out...so out with it: (although I will try to see the silver lining and put a positive spin on things)

I am struggling with this mess of a wedding...one day I am ready to take charge and the next I want nothing to do with it. I made a "everything left to do" list yesterday and its not awful, although the "things needing done that don't cost money" section is v. small, just like our bank account balance which in this case, is v. bad news, since just about everything we have left to do requires purchasing things.

I started working on my Master's Project again early last month but seem to have lost steam on that once again. My current excuse is, "my advisor is out of the state on vacation until July 20, so I can't do much more w/o consulting her" which is really, a load of crap...well, yes she really is on vacay, but I could be doing a lot on my own, I just choose not to. I know I'll finish, I just keep putting it off.

All the while I am trying with all my might to not worry incessantly about money. It is a HUGE problem for me...even when we have money, I worry about expensive "what if's" that could pop up. So I try and remember how most people don't have enough right now...and we both still have jobs and a place to live and cars that run and we are in love and getting hitched and we are really lucky to have each other.

So make me feel better today, lovelies....what is your biggest worry as of today, July 1st 2009? Sharing is fun...and it might make you feel a little bit better as well.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Tue(do)sday

On this week's agenda:
-Spend quality time with Fiancé and enjoy each other's company.
-Tentative Corsage-assembly party has been scheduled for Saturday afternoon.
-Buy doubled sided tape (I keep thinking about assembling the centerpieces, but need tape first)
-Be as active as possible...more for stress management than for weight loss at this point. I really see a difference in my moods when I at least go for a walk on my lunch break or something.

I have to work this Saturday...so that is a huge bummer but I will either leave early Friday or come in late on Monday to even things out. Plus, NEXT week is only a four day week because of the Fourth. Plus my dress could possibly be in the week after the holiday weekend, so that is something to look forward to. I think I might actually get excited once it is here, but we'll have to wait and see.

Totally random: I had crazy Nazi Germany infused dreams last night. Probably since we watched Tom Cruise play "dissenter Nazi Tom Cruise" in Valkyrie. It was good, besides the fact that Tom Cruise was the star.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Complicated.

Come up to meet you,
Tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, Tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions,
Aww let's go back to the start
Runnin' in circles, Comin' our tails,
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Aww take me back to the start

I was just guessin',
At numbers and figures,
Pullin' the puzzles apart
Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me,
Come back to haunt me,
Oh when I rush to the start
Runnin' in circles,
Chasin' our tails,
Comin' back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Aww It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm goin' back to the start

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

To-Doooooo.

We have roughly 2 1/2 months to go until W-Day and I still haven't felt that fire under my ass to finish everything early. I know it will happen, because I am perpetually early for everything in life (I was even born 2 weeks before my due date) and I don't want to be stressed, but right now there is a long list of excuses as to why I'm not super excited about/doing all things wedding related.

But let's not focus on that, let's focus on what I have accomplished in the past seven days:

-Invites have been mailed, and recieved by most people w/in a hour's drive of where we live.

I hope with all of my being, for the sake of my sanity, people mail the already postmarked and addressed RSVP cards back. This is one of my BIGGEST hang ups with all things wedding related. You are expected to spend all this money and time and sanity on invites and RSVP cards plus the postage for both says "etiquette" and then the self-righteous extended family "assumes" you know they are coming. OMGGGGG why would I send you a postmarked, addressed envelope if I didn't want the damn thing back?! HolyTapDancingChrist its not that hard to write your name on a piece of paper, stick it in an envelope and throw it in the mail!!!

Sorry about that. Back to accomplishments:

-Thank-you's for shower #1 have been mailed.
-I discovered Tibetian Prayer Flags just like these on Etsy are sold at a shop in town, so I can go and buy them if we have the monies days before the wedding.
-Fiancé and I had a lesson in arguing.

I guess the last one is not an accomplishment, but since we don't argue often, I feel like each time there is something new to learn and I will say, we talked it out a lot faster than usual and he was A LOT more vocal. Probably because we were in the car and he didn't have to look me in the eye. Bottom line is: we both need to be more respectful of the other.

We still need to figure out the rehearsal dinner menu and I need to procure undergarments for my dress....oh and we need to compile music a la Fiancé's parents music collection and figure out our catering (it's discussed here) if you can call it that :)

Plus some other stuff that I'll get to when I actually give a shit. For now, I'll continue on with my apathy.

Have a lovely, neutral day.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Fears.




For being 24 (almost 25), my parents are older than most. Dad just turned 60 and Mom will be 61 in September. I know age is just a number, and my parents are still active and don't have too many serious health issues going on (well...Dad is a whole other story but I saw him Friday, and he says he has quit drinking "not for good, but for now" whatever. We've heard it all many times before. ) but their deaths are just looming out there. This Sunday Secret really hit home....check out the rest here
What is one of your fears?

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Believe.

I believe in second chances.

I believe in the power of kindness.

I believe in marriage equality for all Americans.

I believe in education and knowledge.

I believe in possibilities.

I believe in myself.

I believe people can change, if they truly want to.

I believe most people are generally assholes and me being nice to them is my way of NOT being like them.

I believe sometimes its better to follow your heart than your head.

I believe in random acts of silliness and that laughter is the best medicine.

I believe that no matter what shitstorm life is throwing at you, you must remember, its your life, and you'll have to deal with problems throughout, so with every new one that comes along, (because you know there will be more down the road) take wisdom from them, and learn for dealing with things the next time.

What do you believe in?

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Crunch Time.

Here's a list about my current state of small accomplishments:

Wedding invites are stuffed, stamped, labeled and ready to go. I haven't mailed them yet, I'm waiting until Friday for some unknown reason.

I wrote out shower #1 thank-you cards last night and I'm going to mail them today.

I ordered three swim suits off the old interweb last week for the honeymoon and I'm patiently awaiting their arrival.

81 days to go. Should I be excited yet? I'm still notsomuch.

I FINALLY began revising my Master's Thesis last night and it wasn't scary or awful; it was actually refreshing to use my brain for something besides wedding nonsense or family worries.

After all the excitement with my supervisor telling me I could take time off to finish, and then mentioning funding my PhD, he went on vacation beginning the day I was supposed to report back to him about my meeting with my advisor. He hasn't even asked about it since he's been back, but this doesn't surprise me, and I'm still finishing by August anyways.

I'm still trying to grow a pair and call in for a mental health day from work....but it still hasn't happened, we'll see how I feel Friday morning.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Heavy Stuff.


Hi, my name is ________ and my father is an Alcoholic.

Growing up we had a lot of communication issues and looking back, it was mostly because he was always loaded between the hours of approx. 3pm and bedtime (which for him, was about 9 or 10pm). Don't get me wrong, my dad worked his ass off for my family...working crazy amounts of overtime while I was little to make ends meet. Neither of my parents went to college, and I have an older sister and brother. We were probably teetering on the edge between working and lower middle class growing up.
The majority of time I spent with him on weekends involved getting Shirley Temple's and playing the jukeboxes at the VFW and Legion Hall....I loved it then, and never thought twice about how taking your 10 year old daughter to a bar wasn't exactly appropriate.

He was never physically abusive, but there are a few select incidents that were pretty emotionally and psychologically trying. One of which took place when I was in high school. It was a screaming argument that ended with me locking myself in the bathroom because I was afraid he was going to hit me, and then I told him so through the bathroom door, which made him even more angry, that would I think such a thing.

As an adult, things really cemented themselves around Christmas of 2006. My brother was home from leave from Iraq (he's in the Army Reserve) and my dad began drinking around 8am the day brother was set to head back to his post before going back overseas. I was headed to my hometown to meet them, my dad, mom, sister and brother at the Moose Lodge (another "club" type bar Dad has added to his daily routine of drinking places) around lunchtime. Well, I get almost there, when my sister calls and says they called an Ambulance, because they thought my dad was having a stroke. He couldn't talk and wasn't coherent. By the time I was right near my parents house, my sister calls again and says they are headed home, he came to as they were trying to put him in the ambulance and was very angry and confused. So I meet them at the house, and they pull in, and I have to help my father into the house because he is completely blitzed, the drunkest I've ever seen him and he is yelling about my mom overreacting.

My mother is just about hysterical, crying out of anger, fear and frustration. The woman has dealt with this for almost 35 years at this point, and she tells us about how her father was the same way and she's done with dealing with Dad and it was a whole gnarly wad of awkwardness...since we're very uncomfortable with dealing with stuff like this in my family.

That was the day it all clicked for me. All the miscommunication as a child, and the repeating of myself because he wouldn't remember things the next day, because I told him the night before when he was drunk.

Now in the past few years since this incident, my dad has been diagnosed with Angina. Right now, he is on blood thinners and all kinds of meds to regulate his heartbeat, because its beating is irregular. My mom said the bottom part of his heart is right on but the top part isn't in sync.

Has he stopped drinking while on all this medicine? Of course not.

He had a procedure this morning, which was supposed to fix things, and it didn't work. Plus they told my mom it took a lot more than it should have to put him under. I don't know much about anesthesia, but I'm guessing since he is always drunk, it takes a lot more to make him pass out?

The man is seriously going to drink himself to death.

I'm sorry this post is such a bummer. I just can't quite get this out of my head today.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Oh the joy of planning a wedding.

W-Day: 88 days to go

The invites have been printed, along with address labels and the man-rentals (I'm not saying tuxes, because all they are renting are vests, shirts and ties, per Fiancé's request, claiming they all have black dress pants) have been organized. I mailed the balance that we owed for the Condo rental and I want to mail the photographer at least $100 this month. I still owe $88 or so to the table rental place.

I have 30 some-odd thank you notes to send out for Shower gifts. The highlights:
-Dirt Devil Kone rechargeable hand held vacuum
-three bag laundry sorter with ironing board on top
-George Foreman grill
-super cute pjs from my momma (those weren't on my registry)
-Stemless wine glasses along with two other sets of glasses we wanted.
Overall, I think it went well....but I didn't sit still for more than 5 minutes until they had me open presents. I DO NOT want the wedding to be like that. I will try my hardest to make sure I am fully aware and enjoying myself, not worrying about talking to every single person there. I almost want to do a revised receiving line because of this....but only have Fiancé and I talk to people, since I think they are awkward for the wedding party who won't know everyone.

Upcoming to do's:

1. stuff a prototype invite and take it to the post office to make sure it doesn't weigh too much...then its invite assembly time.
2. figure out what I'm wearing under my dress.
3. decide on a rehearsal dinner menu (per the restaurant)
4. make man-flowers and mom/g-ma corsages.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Secrets, Secrets



post secret really spoke to me today with these two. Especially the second.
My own little secrets: I'm terrified of our money situation right now, I haven't done shit for my Master's Thesis since telling my advisor I want to finish up before August and the BIGGEST one: If one more person asks me "what my colors are" or talks about "MY big day" coming up, I think I might lose it. I HATE being the soon to be bride. I cannot wait for this wedding to be over and to be Mrs. H and be on the beach for a week with Mr. H.
Ahhhhh I feel better. Anyone need to leave a secret? Feel free ...anonymous or not.
Happy freakin' Monday. I'll try to post a blurb about the Wedding Shower and how things went later, but we'll see.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Long.

Long weekends: they rule but have a way of leaving you exhausted and wanting more. 3 days off is not enough. Only about 3 months until the honeymoon week of nothingness on the beach in Florida. It can't come soon enough.
We somehow managed to hang with some friends and see both of our families over the weekend. We were very well fed, but not very well rested and spent a crazy amount of time in the car. My family is about 45 minutes from where we live, and his is about an hour and half, depending on traffic. Very worth it though, we had a great weekend. I think I'm a little more than bummed that it is over. Oh well, must press on with life.

We are going to take the invite materials to the printer tonight...hopefully the price is similar to my calculation of around $30 since money is a HUGE issue right now...there just doesn't seem to be enough for our already low budget wedding.

I've been striving to be as active as possible every day...even if it means doing the free step mode on the Wii Fit for 30 minutes while watching TV at night. I did that last night...but this was after I fell asleep on the couch for an hour. It was one of those "I didn't even realize I was asleep until my phone rang and woke me up" types of naps.

I have work I should be doing but can't seem to get motivated. Blarg.

I promise to have more interesting things to say next time.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Thrice.

I see I have more than the lone follower these days....I think that deserves a huge WOO-WOO! Thanks for making me feel loved followers!

I've written before about how I don't care if no one reads this...because its nice to have a quiet place to spew randomness. Alas, I'm discovering it is also nice to get feedback on the randomness from perfect strangers as well, so keep it coming...and tell a friend if you so choose.

So 100 days from today is our wedding. I'll be the blushing bride, trying to eating breakfast (with a mimosa fo' sho') at this point 100 days from today. I'm excited, but still a bit worried about money and how things are going to be executed.
We are going to Kinko's next week to drop off the invite paper for printing....and Fiancé is (supposedly) going next weekend to choose clothing for the men folk. My shower is next Saturday...and I'm mildy excited about this as well. Plus, Fiancé's mom and sister will probably throw me another one sometime in June for his side of things, since they are all based around Columbus. Woo wedding crap. Overall, I'm still way more excited for the trip to Florida at this point and for everything to be done with.... is that messed up? Oh well if it is.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Two-for Tuesday

Inspired by my gorgeous friend Tabatha and her Totally Awkward Tuesdays, here is a glimpse inside my awkward childhood.

It's 8th grade (circa 1997/1998) and I'm at a party for a good friend's birthday. It is at a large apartment complex's "Clubhouse" in my hometown. There are both boys and girls there, plus, my friends cool older sister was chaperoning instead of her mom, she was probably 20something at this time.

So there is an L shaped couch in a sitting area and after a while, everyone seems to be gathering there. The couch was full, so one girl was sitting on the triangular glass topped coffee table with a wooden frame (remember those?) in front of it and told me to sit down next to her...I was hesistant, because

1. I was a chubby child and

2. Was taught to never sit on a glass table. Ever. Not because I was a chub, but just because its never a good idea.

I did anyways since the boy I thought was a cute was sitting there as well. The girl that was sitting with me, gets up and I start to do the same, and crash, I've fallen through the table. Everyone but one girl (I remember it to this day, because she was the only one who asked if I was okay) was in hysterics, laughing their asses off. My friend who's birthday it was followed me as I ran into the bathroom in pure awkward, adolescent, embarrassment and preceded to scream at me about how I'll be paying for it if they charge her sister and blah blah blah. It was awkward and awful. I ripped a small hole in the butt of my jeans and was mortified by whole thing, but I was okay. Birthday girl's sister even told me its alright and that they probably got the table at a garage sale. I think she felt bad because of everyone laughing plus her little sister going postal on me about things.

The story still comes up occassionally to this day, and I've gotten to the point to be able to laugh at it, but its taken many years.


Now for something completely different....this week's To-Do List:

1. Get invites printed! Pricing at Kinko's is way cheap, so we're moving forward with it.
2. Plan and execute the most budgeted trip to the grocery ever, since we have very little money until we both get paid again on the 29th.
3. Call and schedule a hair cut for the 30th in the AM
4. Being work on lit review for Master's Thesis, woo woo!
5. Love the weather and hang outside more.



Happy Tuesday.

Monday, May 18, 2009

PostSecret goodie.

Okay....ANYONE would be terrified of having children if this is what they picture.


It spoke to me, for obvious reasons displayed here and here but also created a creepy image in my brain and I had to re-post it and creep out others. Head over to postsecret for more random, heartfelt and just plain weird tidbits.

Oh and ps-I'm going to finish my Master's by August....because I love a good challenge...ie: writing a Master's Thesis AND planning a wedding AND being Matron of Honor to a wedding in the works for next May. It should make for good blogging...or so I hope!

Friday, May 15, 2009

Grad School.

For calling myself a classic burn out case, grad school won't go away...people won't let my smoldering embers die, so to speak.

Yesterday afternoon my work phone rang and it was my advisor. She found me. It threw me off so bad, but it was good to touch base with her and I knew it would happen eventually, it was only a matter of time. I have been carrying around 412 surveys in my car for the past 6 months. Surveys that focus on what she has studied for the past 15 years, which she kindly suggested I research with her as my Master's Project when she saw me struggling to find my own topic. There was bound to come a day where she finally wanted them back.

I didn't know what to say to her...she made it a point to say she wan't upset or anything and she understands life happens and gets in the way a lot, and now I am going to meet with her this afternoon. She even insinuated since I entered the majority of the data, that she'll give it back to me when she's done w/it and I can finish up....I think. She is awesome for doing this, since I sort of crapped out on her.

But wait, it gets better.

I had to ask my boss if it was okay if I left early to go meet with her around 4 this afternoon. He said, "yes of course that is fine" and I was happy to be leaving at 3:30 on a Friday, woo! Well 10 minutes ago, he came into my office and started asking questions. "When are you finishing up your Master's?" I explained it him what happened, new job + moving + getting engaged + the holidays= no time for grad project plus that I want to finish it but I'm not sure if I have the steam left in me....my classic, "I had been in school for 6 years straight when I stopped" line. He told me to go work it out with my advisor, leave at 3 so we have plenty of time to talk and report back to him Monday with my plans to finish. He even mentioned that once I get the Master's he would look into getting my PhD funded....wait.....what?!? Whoa buddy, he just upped the ante, or whatever they say.

I had high hopes many years ago of getting a Phd but I let those go when I realized the dedication, work and time that goes into it, and now, my crazy, slightly workaholic boss wants to fund it? Really? That pretty much changes everything.

Or does it? I'm so very conflicted on this topic. I know what everyone is thinking...finish the master's at the very least, but I have gotten used to NOT being in school, plus I have a wedding plan, PLUS I'm the Matron of Honor in a wedding that is next May plus I'm freaked out about it....blah blah blah.

Opinions are much needed on this.....

Do I bit the bullet and jump back into the Master's Project now? Wait til after the wedding and start up in September? I truly don't know what to do...my newfound lazy when it come to the idea of school side says "are you insane?!" but the scholar inside me says, "you are SO close to a Master's...and possibly a PhD, doooooo it!!"

HELP!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Gifted?

My attention to detail is ridiculous sometimes. Some may not think this is blog worthy, but I feel so accomplished.

I tell you this because I just plucked a receipt I need to exchange a dress for a smaller size out of the garbage dumpster which was placed there 3 days ago. Gross you say? Indeed, but without said receipt I couldn't exchange so a girl's gotta do what a girls gotta do.

I'll give you some history: I bought a super cute dress to wear for my wedding shower at the end of the month at Target this past weekend. I tried on a large at the store and it was too big so I grabbed a medium and didn't bother to try that one on too, because I can't remember the last time I wore a small anything...besides a small sized bra. I tried it on earlier this evening, and its too big. So I began the search for the receipt and it wasn't in the usual places (bottom of purse, still in the bag in the plastic bag cabinet) then I remembered it WAS still in the bag, which should have been in the plastic bag cabinet because I asked Fiance to put it there a few days ago. Upon digging through our massive amount of plastic bags for a second time, (I keep buying those $1 reusable bags they sell every where now when shopping and I am determined to end the cycle of plastic bags in our home by 2010) I remembered the day I asked him to put it in the cabinet seeing it in the garbage instead...I was a bit put down by this, because he obviously wasn't listening to me when I asked him to put it away, but I let it slide. I considered grabbing the receipt then, but decided a medium will never be too big on me. Whoever came up with "never say never" is wise.

The trash bag containing the Target bag and the stupid receipt went out Tuesday and I just dug it out of our dumpster, along with the Target bag and didn't even gag in the process. Luckily the dumpster isn't too huge, and our trash bag was right inside the sliding door under a box or something. There was a lot of breath holding as I scanned for it, recognizing it by a familiar looking paper towel, but it took all of 30 seconds and now I can return my dress.
This, my friends, made my day. I feel like Charlie Bucket and his Golden Ticket.

Really?

Random wedding nonsense: If you are getting married in 4.5 months, why on Earth would you send a "Save the Date" card?! You are going to send the invites out two months later!
What a waste!

Disclaimer: Planning our wedding has given me opinions on things I usually wouldn't care about. If I would have known all the bullshit that goes along with a wedding, we would have went to the court house, had an informal reception and gone on a really nice honeymoon to someplace tropical (we're going to Florida, so its beachy and budget friendly, but its no Hawaii or Bahamas).

Recently, one of my bridesmaids has begun looking for shoes to go with her dress. I never thought I would give two shits what she puts on her feet for the day, but then she sent me a picture of what she was thinking about and asked if they were okay and I had to say no. The shoe was all wrong for the style of the dress. All of the sudden, I feel like a control freak or even worse, dare I say, bridezilla. Now I'm telling them what to put on their feet?
I love this girl but she just doesn't get it. The dress is a tea length, slightly longer in the back than in the front strapless Chiffon dress and she sent me a photo of these multi colored brown heels with a closed, rounded toe. The wedding is in August and the ceremony will most likely take place outside. They weren't totally ugly, just totally wrong for the dress. They looked like shoes I would wear with a brown pantsuit in the dead of winter. This is quite frustrating because this same bridesmaid who couldn't pick a simple brown dress to compliment mine which is the reason I chose one dress for all of them (which I REALLY didn't want to) and then had to help her pay for it as well. Now I'll probably end up buying her shoes too.

Of course I'm horribly worried she's mad at me about this...she is a good friend and has helped quite a bit so far with wedding planning, but when I said you can pick your shoes, I imagined she could pick something that goes with the dress, not just any brown shoe...

All I can think is, "why did I do this to myself? Why didn't I just put my foot down and tell Fiancé let's just do a Best Man and Maid of Honor and no one else" but it is much too late for that. I have to deal with the repercussions...plus all the other bullshit that goes along with this fiasco.

Bottom line: I love my Fiancé and I'm so excited to marry him, but I strongly dislike wedding planning. The latest tidbit he has surprised me with: Fiancé insists on writing our own vows and not sharing them with each other before the wedding. I love this. It makes me nervous because he plans on writing his the week before the wedding but we decided I will write mine first, probably a month or a couple weeks before because I'm worried I'll be a big ball of nerves the week before. Both will end with, "I give you this ring as a reminder of these promises" or something like that so we can integrate the rings and the vows into one thingy.

Woo for awesome Fiancé.