Monday, November 29, 2010

Day TwentyThree: Undone.

(So last week was a complete fail, once again, at getting back on track with 30DaysofTruth. Now I'm just going to stick to once a day again, just a bit off schedule.)

Something you wish you had done in your life. I feel like I am too young to have a lot of major regrets about my life thus far but the one thing that comes to mind is: living solo. I moved from my parents to college, where I never lived with less than two other people. Then in 2007 the husband and I moved in together (which looking back, was sort of insane, we had only been together for about a year and a half, and we only saw each other once a week good thing that worked out I guess!).

Before I met the husband, I dreamed of living in my own little place (mostly on the days my roommates were driving me crazy) but also just because I thought it would be nice to do my own thing whenever I wanted; to not have to always be surrounded by people. It was something I always thought I would end up doing that did not happen. I couldn't imagine not living with my husband though. I always say he is the best roommate I've ever had because he never borrows my clothes and always takes out the trash :)

Monday, November 22, 2010

Day TwentyTwo: Regret.

Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.

I don't regret many things. I learn from the bad experiences and move on. Except for one gigantic time period that is: adolescence.

I wish I wouldn't have been so sensitive to the bullies. I wish I hadn't spent night after night crying in high school, cutting myself (with a lady bic razor no less) to dull the pain. I wish I could look back on those years and smile with nostalgia instead of grimacing with thoughts of how painful things were. I wish I hadn't let it all get to me so much, because really, it all seems so far away now, so not worth the tears and heartache.

Yet still, after all those painful years, I wear my heart on my sleeve but I do it proudly at this point. I don't see it as a bad thing, I see it as something that is a part of who I am; something that lets me experience life in a way that many people never will.

Epic 30DaysofTruth Fail.

I failed at this around Day 18 (in my defense, work was crazy AND a benefit for a good friend happened this weekend, so out of work time was crazy and then Kiddo was over and yeah I suck....) but here is my shortened version of each to play catch up:

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

To each his/her own. In a time where half of all marriage fail in this country, I feel like anyone, no matter their sexual orientation should have a crack at it. Plus, all those "marriage is sacred" people are usually on their 4 or 5 one (example: Rush Limbaugh is on his 4th where the 59 year old married a 33 year old girl. Nuff said.) Plus my first best friend in the 3rd grade was a boy who later came out in high school. We played barbies together as kids, so I always knew. I love me some gay dudes. In grad school, I had a girl crush on the cutest lesbian ever...we worked together on a project and she called me pretty. How flipping flattering is that?! Basically, whatever floats your boat is my credo on love in the romantic sense.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (I choose to discuss religion....politics are annoying, at best. Religion talk is the lesser of two evils to me.)

I see religion as something that gets so many people through each day and through tough times of life. I see the point and why there are so many different ones, but growing up Catholic I found little solace in my faith. I dabbled in being Methodist for a while. Then I went to college, became an Anthropology Minor and learned so much about evolution that I can't believe in God and all that jazz. I also took an Eastern Religions course where I decided if I did ever decide to pursue one again, it would be Buddhism.

Currently I like to think we aren't all just floating around on a whim, and that things to do happen for a reason, but I don't think God is that reason. I don't think praying to this God results in things happening or not happening, but I do think it makes people feel better to believe such a thing, so again, to each his/her own. Wouldn't it be nice of religious extremists (of all faiths, mind you) could say the same?

I also think religion is used by the powerful to undermine the weak, and that it has NO PLACE WHATSOEVER in government (even though it continues to crop up again, an again and yet again.)

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Ehhhhhhhh, this is tricky, because I used to partake in smoking a certain plant (and when legalized, I would probably again) AND I have a very love/hate relationship with booze. But let the truth be told......

I am a high strung individual. I don't decompress easily so I sort of used to use a little maryjane for medicinal reasons. It made me such a nicer person to be around. And yeah, it was smoked a lot just for the hell of it as well. After a while though, it got boring, and all I would want to do is nap afterwards, and that's not exactly conducive to getting homework done in college. I don't think Marijuana is addictive. At all. I think some people just really, really like to get high all the time. I have friends who have jobs, pay their bills and taxes and are awesome people, plus they like to get high. I think the government should legalize and tax the crap out of it (much like Alcohol and cigarettes) and get on with it.

Besides that, I've never done any other drugs, or any "hard" drugs......with one single time of snorting coke. I was not impressed and never did it again. Addiction is a scary thing, and I am very careful when prescribed any strong painkillers because having an Alcoholic father and a somewhat addictive personality could equal very bad things. This also kept me away from anything crazy, along with good common sense that putting something in my body that could potentially make all my teeth fall out (ie: meth) is a BAD idea, no matter the high.

Drinking IN MODERATION is something I am A-OK with. When an individual loses control, time and time again, I have a major problem with it. It can be a very bad thing for some people. I've seen it, first hand, deteriorate relationships and cause so many problems that would have never been without intoxication. Alcoholism is a disease, and if you know me well, I tend to stop drinking altogether whenever something dramatic happens with my dad and the sauce. I haven't felt out of control with it since before I met my husband though, so I think I am doing just fine with occasionally, socially drinking.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

First off, my best friend and I are grown ups and we rarely fight anymore. I'm talking it has been YEARS since we have argued. We have agreed to disagree on certain things, but we never fight anymore. We don't live near each other to see each other a lot, so we just tend to have a good time catching up when we do.

If it would have happened when we were in high school, I would have cried a bunch and then headed to the hospital to make sure she was okay. If she was I would have apologized, and if she wasn't, I would probably be a much different person today. She is the best friend I've ever had.

So that catches me up. Hopefully from here on out I can keep on track!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Day Seventeen: Book.

The day we picked up my first set of glasses when I was 6 years old is a day I still remember clearly. I was mostly nervous but a little bit of me was excited. I brought a book (Bearenstein Bears) and read the whole thing out loud to my mom on the way home. My mother said from that day on she would find me in my room, reading out loud to my stuffed animals and later I would spend hours curled up on the couch with a book. Once I started a book, I couldn't put it down and once it was finished I wanted more.

My first book report in the fourth grade was on a biography about Jackie Kennedy. I read it twice just because I was sad when it was over.

I read 10 or 15 V.C. Andrews books the summer between 8th and 9th grade simply because my older sister had left them behind in what was now my room after she moved out. I thought it was weird to have them in my room but to have never read them.

So I did. And then after I read all of them, I took them to a used bookstore and traded them in for more. I was on a first name basis with the lady who owned that store by the end of the summer.

I love books. I've spent countless hours reading in my lifetime but one that stands out on changing my view about something is Number the Stars, by Lois Lowry. It tells the story of a little girl who's family takes in her friend from school during the war. I read it in the sixth grade and it was my first exposure (that I remember) to learning about World War II and the Holocaust. Once I was done, I felt like the world was a different place; that not only good things happen, but also the bad. I remember thinking how my grandparents were alive when these things were happening and I was in complete awe of how big the world really is.


My thirst for books will probably never be quenched. I go through phases with types and genres. I've been known to wander libraries for hours, reading backs of books and jacket flaps to find the right one. Reading is such a great escape, plus it's free!

Day Sixteen: Without.

Someone or something you definitely could live without.

One word that didn't exist 10 years ago: Facebook.

I have written here and here about how I love to hate the social networking site to end all social networking sites. Just last night, I begrudgingly logged on, because I needed to do something besides sit on the couch and vegetate, to find a friend request from my most recent (circa 2004) ex. It is bad enough he has moved back to the area and I have to see him in person again, but now he wants to be present online as well. I'm letting him dangle in friend-limbo (Frimbo, perhaps?) for a while. Eventually I will approve and then hide him from my newsfeed. I could really care less what is he up to, but I don't want to be that girl who denies friendships on Facebook. (Do you see why I hate it? I shouldn't care about being that girl, but I do.)

I've recently become friends with Little One's mom on there, which I am still sort of paranoid about choosing to do so, but its too late now. The damage is done, the friendship requested and approved. No turning back. I saw it as a peace offering, and as a chance to let her put together that I am the same girl she used to stalk on Myspace so many years ago.

I have seriously considered deleting it multiple times in the past 6 months, but then my healthy dose of "I won't know what's going on" fear kicks in, so I just tend to limit time I spend on there.

Cue U2 singing With or without you....because that's me and the Facebook.

In all seriousness, I could live without it, but I choose not to. I'm too invested at this point....too many pictures of my adorable niece have been uploaded, so some days I pretend like it doesn't exist and I actually, you know, spend time with my friends in person.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Day Fifteen: Without.

Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

I'm going to do both...even if the second one is a stretch.

Something: coffee.

I relocated my coffee pot to my office, because previously more often than not, I was buying coffee every single morning while a perfectly good pot went unused at home. Now if I don't go out and buy some on the weekends I end up sleeping most of the day away. Most Saturdays aren't a problem, since I am usually out doing something or other anyways but Sundays are different. One Sunday I didn't go anywhere I think I fell asleep 4 different times between the hours of 1pm and 9pm. It was ridiculous. I got a hair up my a$$ a couple winters ago to quit drinking coffee and it sucked. So never again.

I only drink one cup in the morning....which is actually 16 ounces so it is technically two but that is all I have.

Someone: my husband.

Back when we were dating, we lived an hour apart and only saw each other once a week for the first 2 years. It first it was fine but after a while it was rough. Sometimes I missed him so much it hurt and I even got fired from a job (it was only my second day, and they tricked me. I mentioned how I hadn't seen him in 2 weeks and they said, do you want to leave early then? and I said yes. Next time I came in I was told it wasn't going to work out because I wasn't dedicated to the job.) because I left early to go see him. I hated how most of my friends never saw him and we spent very little time with my family back then. There were a few times I almost ended it because I wanted a boyfriend who I saw all the time but I always talked myself down from that proverbial ledge by remembering how good we were when we were together.

Once we moved in together (which was mostly his idea) things only got better, so while I haven't had to go from living with him to living without him, going from barely seeing him to living with him makes me think this applies?

Even if it doesn't, I don't think it matters...

Day Fourteen: Fallen.

A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Growing up, I idolized you. Even if you didn't know it and I didn't always show it. All I wanted was your approval an acceptance. Even when you were mean to me in front of your friends, even when you wouldn't defend me when I was getting picked on in school.

We are 26 and 29 and most days I still don't believe I have either from you, but I don't care anymore. Somewhere through those years I gave up on you. I grew up and I see you for what you are, for who you are and I pity you most days. It must be sad living so far from your family but then again, you must feel like royalty when the world stops turning (at least to them) when you are back in town.

I sometimes wonder what could have been and am sad for it for a moment, but its a waste, since that's not reality and never will be.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Day Thirteen: Music.

A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Dear Andrew McMahon,

Where would I be without the musical genius that is Something Corporate and Jack's Mannequin? It is a fact of my existence these two bands have spoke to me more consistently and longer than any other. Somehow you have created music I relate to on so many different levels.

Namely, Dark Blue from Everything in Transit and Swim from The Glass Passenger. I have clung to these two songs like a life preserver lately. What else can you do when your life has become this thing where all those things you expected to do....the things you expected to be are so far away from reality? If you are anything like me, you get in the car and sing a song at the top of your lungs that explains how you feel better than you could ever put into your own words....or you go for a walk on a deserted bike path and you sing and you feel better knowing there are thousands of other fans that do the very same thing.

Thank you for making music with just the right combination of melancholy and hope, it has helped me and continues to do so more than you will ever know.

Friday, November 12, 2010


Yesterday I saw you for the first time in over 3 years. It was amazing to see the little lady you have become. I somehow held it together and didn't cry (even though it kept me quiet for the first 30 minutes you were there). You hair is darker, longer and full of ringlet curls, but your face, especially your eyes, are exactly the same.

I'm not sure if you really grasp who I am yet, but that is okay. Your mom said you remembered her telling you about me, and I know it is probably different to see Mommy, Daddy and this other lady all in the same room, but we all love you so that is the important part.

Your imagination is almost unbelievable and it was a joy to watch you and your daddy interact. I can't wait for you to see your sister again.
I don't know if your mommy knows I met you when you were barely one month old, or how I fed you bottles and later bananas and rice cereal. I don't know if she knows that I saw you last when you were just over a year old and how you so sweetly fell asleep in my arms...she doesn't really need to know, but hopefully someday you will.

Day Twelve: Never.

Something you never get compliments on.

My singing voice. Not that I spend all that much time singing in front of people...but when I do, it is not something encouraged by others. Which is a shame since if I hear a song two or three times the lyrics are forever cemented in my brain. I would rock those singing shows where you have to finish the lyrics and you win money, but I would never, ever sing on tv in front of all those people. And I love to sing. It is so much fun and such a release...but it is censored to in my car, in groups of girls acting silly or to my niece when I'm watching her by myself.

Every once in a blue moon I'll sing in front of the husband (usually in the car and half of the time, acting silly) and I get reminded of how tone deaf I am. He would be one to know; he can sing, play guitar/bass and play keyboard/piano by ear....oh and he can draw too. The guy is oozing artistic skills out of his behind.

I tell him I have an artistic mind which produces different ways of thinking about there's my hidden talent :)

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Day Eleven: Compliment Part One.

Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

The first thing that came to my mind was my skin, specifically my face. (side note: it is sort of funny since I have a strange zit/mole/wart blemish thingy...not sure what exactly it is...that has appeared on my cheek and it is freaking me out since it came out of nowhere.)

"How is your skin so clear? What products do you use? OMG you have the prettiest ivory skin tone" (Sometimes I think the last one is just trying to make my pasty Irish-German genes feel better in the dead of winter, but who knows) It is the strangest thing to me, since I never thought much of my skin, negative or positive, besides that I notice new wrinkles every now and then and hate them....and I have a never ending search for under-eye dark circle concealer, since I have them pretty bad.

I was at a party back in the spring, and a guy friend of mine had brought some chick he had just met. She had been drinking, a lot, and would not shut up about my skin. It was on the verge of creepy, like I started to think she wanted to hide-me-at-the-bottom-of-a-pit-and-make-me-put-the-lotion-on-the-skin-creepy. Then she started talking about how she always breaks out and tries every concealer she can find (ummm maybe why you break out all the time perhaps?) and how she is so ugly and I am so pretty and at that point I exited the room saying I needed to go find my husband. Talk about awkward. I was reassured by the guy friend I would never have to see hear again. He is classy.

Anyways, I don't really have a routine with skin care....besides washing my face in the shower and whenever else it feels gross (sometimes in the mornings, sometimes in the evenings but not always) and I try to remember to wear moisturizer with sunblock. I use the following:

Clean&Clear Daily face wash--the kind with the micro scrubbers, yeah I should probably graduate to something a bit more adult, but why fix what isn't broken? Plus its cheap!
Neutrogena Healthy Skin Moisturizer with SPF 15
Bare Minerals foundation, bronzer and Mineral Veil (if and when I wear makeup, which isn't every day)
Clean&Clear zit cream for whenever a random zit pops up. I dot it on before bed. It usually does the trick.

It is a nice compliment, and I always say thank you and attribute it to not wearing a ton of makeup all the time which is one part lazy and one part I know it breaks me out, so I just don't do it.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Day Ten: let go.

Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.

I honest-to-goodness do not have a person for this topic, but for the sake of the writing exercise (and since I'm going to see Little One and her mother tomorrow) a stretch would be Little One's mom.

I wish I didn't know her. She made the first year of the husband and I's relationship a lot more complicated than it should have been. I wish she could just be a crazy ex of my now husband, instead of the mother of his youngest child. I wish I would have pursued him right after I met him in September of 2005 (Little One was conceived in late November). But I didn't. And who's to say we would have made it if I had? Plus Little One would not be, and that would just be messed up. She was a part of our early relationship and seeing him with her, being there for the first night he kept her overnight....that was sort of something special.

Husband and Little One's mom are communicating well and getting along right now. I hope that continues...especially after I am added to the mix of things. Tomorrow. I'm nervous already.

The same thing can be said about Kiddo's mom, but there would be no Kiddo without her. So I'm learning to live with her frustratingly illogical, self-centered behavior; to take the road less traveled and not react when she does impossibly selfish things and obviously is not putting her daughter first. Or when Kiddo comes over stinky, time and time again. (She tells us she gets a bath once a week, Wednesdays when she is at her grandma's. Did I mention she is 8? Yeah.....that's a whole other post.)

So while I wish I didn't know these ladies, they are each one half of two little girls that I love. So I choose to deal with them with a smile on face knowing someday we won't have to see them nearly as much....and someday all of this could make a really good book.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Day Nine: Drifted.

Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.

Without a doubt, this is my sorority big. (Yeah, I was active in a sorority for about a year and a half in college, deal with it.) She was/is the sweetest thing in the world, and we became friends that hung out all the time pretty fast. Once she graduated and had a really bad break-up all at the same time, she sort of disappeared for a while. Then she moved farther away, and farther still and got married and I saw her less and less. The last time I saw her was April, when she was about 6 months pregnant (and adorable, since she is about 5''2 and 115 pounds soaking wet) and now she's a mom and I haven't even met the little guy. Which I think about all the time.

We had some really great times together, and I wish we saw each other more, but older I get, the more life seems to get in the way of things.

Monday, November 8, 2010


I have already began dreading the next two months. I feel like it starts earlier each year, with Christmas nonsense already filling shelves of every store I've entered since last Sunday, and the TV commercials constantly reminding us of the things to come: Day after Thanksgiving sales, BIG DEALS, consume, Consume, COOOOONNNNNSUMMMME!

We are on a very extremely tight budget this year. With the husband losing his job and I being required to take furlough (long story short: campus will be closed from the week before Christmas until the Monday after New Years and one day of pay each month will be taken off my paycheck until next june, hurrah.) things could get hairy but we have a pretty exact plan of action when it comes to present buying. Mostly, not buying anyone anything besides the girls, Baby M. (my niece) and our parents (ONLY if we can figure out frugal joint presents for each set).

I'm also refusing to become stressed about family obligations. Plain and simple. If the girls can't be there, it will make me sad but I won't get all worked up over it. I'm already expecting my brother to muck everything up, with his "surprise" visit or ever changing arrival date (he is known for both, and while I know he doesn't do it on purpose, it always messes up already planned things....and when he's in another country with the Army its one thing, but he's in South Carolina for Pete's sake!)

So to re-cap Holiday Season 2010 Don'ts:

-No crying (at least not of the sad, we-have-no-money kind, tears of joy are allowed.)
-No stressing (aka no skipping the gym for this girl.)
-No present buying for anyone but the 'rents and the kids. Period. (I have a problem with gift giving...I enjoy it way too much.)

Did I use parentheses enough in this post or what?

Day Eight: Life Part Two.

Someone who has made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

And the award goes college roommate. Well, one of the 11. Every time I lived with roommates, there were always at least 3 of us (for two years there were 4) and there was always one that things would go sour with eventually. I guess that's what happens when there's a bunch of chicks living together.

This specific roomie was an exception. It wasn't the usual roommate issues that drove us apart, it was much more. We became friends when she still lived in the dorms, and things were good for a time, but over that time I started to notice things. And then she treated me worse, and worse until I just couldn't deal with her and her issues anymore. It was hurting me to continue letting her be a part of my life. I really cared about her, but her actions showed she didn't give a shit about me in return.

I wrote this really long, drawn out narrative of her damage to me, but then I decided, she doesn't deserve a long post.

She is no longer in my life for a reason, and my life is that much better without her.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Day Seven: Life Part One.

Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Not to be redundant but I am going to be anyway because this also goes to the husband.

Before I met him, I wasn't lost or could say I was happy but man, I was bored. I wasn't quite sure why, but I felt like something was missing. I had all these single girl plans but deep down they freaked me out a little, to do them all by myself. I had not experienced a successful relationship since I was 19. And if I remember correctly, I didn't know shit about life at 19 or my self for that matter. (Not that I have all the answers at 26, but I at least have my head on semi-straight at this point. So there's that.)

He's my favorite part of every day, my constant comic relief, bug-killer and laundry-mat a-goer. He's my Lukey and I am so grateful to spend my life with him.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Day Six: Never.

Something you hope to never have to do.

In all honesty (this is after all, 30 days of truth) I had a hard time thinking of an answer for this. I've been thinking about it for a few days, and the best I can come up with is: I hope I never bury my husband. Then I feel like an a**hole and selfish for some reason. Then the more I think about it, the more it makes sense....I hope to never have to live in a world where he doesn't exist. And then I think about it some more and get all panicky since, being the sociology major that I was, I know women's life expectancy is around 7 years longer than men on average. But then I remember a study I read once about how left handed people are prone to die before right handed people (I'm a lefty)....then I remind myself shit happens all the time, and we're only in our twenties and to stop thinking these things. It doesn't get you anywhere and it keeps you from living in the present.

I digress (I haven't had any coffee today and I just got up from a nap, so that could be why.....)

I've spent more time single than in a relationship at this point in my life, mostly because I was picky. HAH wait the honest explanation: the guys I actually wanted to be with just wanted to be friends, and most of the time we were. I was sort of famous for trying to date my guy friends and I was usually cool enough of a person to not be weird about it afterwards. So when I found the husband, back at the end of 2005, on one level I knew things were different; mostly because despite gigantic red flags (i.e. baby mama drama) that would have kept most girls from getting romantically involved did nothing for me but mostly because it just felt different and right whenever we were together. Almost 6 years later and I can't imagine him not being here. I can't imagine having to tell the girls he's gone.

So I plan on us living forever, so far it's working.....ooooor we'll go out in a painfully romantic way a la the Notebook...although the more realistic version is how Johnny Cash died less than 4 months after his wife, June Carter Cash.

Until then I'm thankful every day for the time we have together....even on the days he drives me crazy, I'm happy to have him here, doing so.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Day five: Hope.

Something you hope to do in your life.

I used to say get my PhD when asked this question....but the longer I am out of school the less I think that will actually happen, so I'm going to go another direction completely with this: I want to travel, like take-a-year-and-see-the-world-and-do-it-off-the-beaten-path-travel.

I did not come from money, but somehow my parents scraped together their pennies and sent me to Europe for two weeks when I was 15 years old. Both my siblings have also been (my sister to England and my brother to France) on similar trips, you know, the ones organized by language courses and in my sister's case, her civics class, during high school. I took German in high school, so off to Germany I went (we also visited the Czech Republic, Austria, and Hungary.) It was amazing, and all I have thought as I've gotten older is how much more amazing it would be as an adult. That trip opened my eyes to how big the world is and is a huge factor in why I chose to study Anthropology and Sociology in college. (Side note: When I was still single, I thought about joining the Peace Corps after getting my degree but then life happened, I had a reason to not live outside the U.S. and that didn't. C'est la vie.)

There is so much to see and do outside of this country, and I want to see and do those things. Someday, somehow it will happen, most likely in approximately 15 years, when both the girls will be of age and (hopefully) in college.

I should probably start saving my own pennies now....I don't want to think about how much a year of world wide travel will cost in 15 years.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Day Four: Forgiveness Part Two.

Something you have to forgive someone for.

This one is heavy. This one is going to suck to write. A lot. I have to forgive my father for being an Alcoholic. Which is huge, since my reaction to his drinking has always been anger. I've been angry at my dad for being an alcoholic since before I realized he was an alcoholic.

The complex part of things is he has always been a functional alcoholic. He went to work, provided us with the basics, and even spent time with us on the weekends. He taught us right from wrong as well as any high school graduate with trade school training could do. He took us to mass every Sunday and Grandmas's every Sunday afternoon for supper without fail. He projected the epitome of lower-middle class fatherhood. He has never met a stranger, and is friendly as you can imagine.

Yet my fondest memories with my dad were the Saturday afternoons I'd go with him to do his "sign ups". There I would sit, in smoky VFW and Legion Tap Rooms where I would spend a few hours playing songs on the jukebox, drinking Shirley Temple's and eating popcorn. It took me until I was about 22 to realize this wasn't normal quality time with a parent. I was getting impatient one day and a poured the rest of a can of beer into a clear glass with about 4 inches of golden liquid in it (I assumed they were both beer and was trying to speed up the process). Nope, it was whiskey. My dad sort of laughed at me for it, and downed it anyway.

I was never physically abused (and for that I am so grateful) but there was a great deal of emotional/psychological abuse. There was a time he was really wasted one afternoon when I was in high school. We got into an argument about something or other (which was usually a combo of three things: the speed at which I talked, him being hard of hearing AND being intoxicated) and I got scared. So scared I locked myself in the bathroom, crying. When asked why I had locked myself in the bathroom, I told him he was scaring me and he proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs on the other side of the door about how could I ever think he would lay a finger on me? He would NEVER do that. And he never did, but I can't count the amount of times things resulted in screaming and crying. I would say at least once a week during my teenage years and I witnessed it earlier than that, while my older brother still lived at home.

Since I moved out and we've all gotten older, there have been multiple times he's almost drank himself to death. The first is what made me finally realize he is an Alcoholic. The last time it came out that he switched to vodka because my mom wouldn't be able to smell it on him (whiskey was always his drink of choice with a beer....or four) and the people at the bar thought he was having a stroke before he lost consciousness.

I do not want to get that call one day....that he is gone because of booze. So even though I know, for a fact, my anger doesn't stop the drinking, I cling to it, because I don't know what else to be about it because it is so frustrating and I'm so stubborn (so much like him) about things.

The anger I feel about it is dumb. I know its a disease, I know it is so much harder than just stopping. I know he is now retired after working over 35 years and he doesn't know what to do with himself. I know there is probably some mental health issues he has and has never confronted. I know I have to forgive him for it, for being loaded most evenings of my childhood, for the memories of my parents fighting about it, resulting in him walking to the bar a few blocks from our house, for putting my mother through dealing with him all these years, its just hard. Hard to let go of anger I have been brewing for over half my life.

He hasn't drank since the last "episode" with the vodka (as far as I've been told) so I'm hoping things stay that way. Although it is very hard to be optimistic when he has "quit" more times than I can count and he always goes back and he never tries AA.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

It's War.

Dear Ohio Winter,

I know it is still officially the best season ever but I'm on to you, and your cold temperatures, and this year, I am prepared. You may have won the battle that was Winter 09-10 but you have not won the war that will ensue this 10-11 season. You like to sneak attack after New Year's, with your holiday weight gain showing, minimal sunshine shining and snowy conditions....snowing (Dr. Seuss would be proud) but I have a plan.

I am equipped with boots and leggings and gloves and (as soon as I locate it), I'll be sporting my winter hat most mornings. I am reminding myself how lovely it feels to sweat it out in the dead of winter, and how taking a lunch break on those sunny days to get a bit of vitamin D is crucial. I'm going to remember how nice the snow is on those days I call off due to road conditions (and I will not feel guilty for doing so, since I almost died at least 6 times driving to and from my work on BFE country roads covered in the white death) and maybe take my step-daughters sledding. I AM NOT GOING TO FALL DOWN THE BACK STAIRS OF MY APARTMENT (that's a definite no-go.)

Winter, you won't get me this year!

Mrs. Melberry

Day Three: Forgiveness Part One

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I have to forgive myself for being overweight. It feels so juvenile to still be carrying around these self-image issues I have had for as long as I can remember; so long that the last time I didn't think of myself as "overweight/fat" I was 6 years old.

I was my heaviest in October of 2007 weighing in at just under 220 pounds. I joined Weight Watchers and lost almost 50 pounds by summer 2008. I got bored with the program so I quit going, then I re-joined that fall, suprised that I had only gained around 8 pounds over the summer. I got engaged Christmas of 2008 and quit going to Weight Watchers due to money by April of 2009. I told myself I was going to keep eating right and exercising because I wanted to, not because I was getting married ( ha!). It is a wonder what a silly white dress can do to your workout motivation. I dropped down to the smallest I've been in my adult life, around 185 and had never felt better. Then I turned 25. I had a crappy winter. I slept too much, ate too much and socialized too little. I gained at least 15 pounds from September 09 to January 10 (I know this because I ordered a bridesmaid dress in September and when it arrived in January it barely zipped). I was depressed. It was not fun times.

I have spent many years of my life being told I was fat and being made fun of because of my size and appearance. Due to this my weight is directly related to my happiness. Still, even as an adult, I torment myself about my size. Everything I eat I think about if I should be or not, when I don't exercise, I beat myself up. My very unhealthy relationship with food requires more time than I have to write at the moment and the worst part of all of this? The reason I need have to forgive myself for this? I have a husband who loves me exactly how I am and I have friends who just want me to be happy no matter what I look like. I have to let the past rest. I have spent way too many years hanging on to the painful memories of an awkward youth.

So hello, my name is Melberry, and I'm overweight. Deal with it. I am finally ready to.

Tomorrow: Something you have to forgive someone for.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Day Two: Lurve.

Something you love about yourself.....I feel so emo, I had such an easy time writing the hate post and now I have no clue where to go with this. My nose doesn't bother me too much in life, but I wouldn't go as far as to say I love it, plus who really wants to read about someone's love for their nose??
(I guess?) I love my ability to look at the bright side of everything.

Husband loses his job? It was a dead-end job anyways. Dad almost has a stroke because he can't stop drinking? Dad quits drinking because he almost has a stroke. Kiddo's mom restricts her time with her dad? Makes the time she spends with us that much more valuable and usually, that much more fun. Have to begin paying child-support on Little One? Husband gets to see his daughter (finally!) AND her mother is being overly helpful and flexible.

Somewhere between all the bullshit I've been through in life, I've learned to approach things (even if its only to make them seem less awful) with a "things could be worse" attitude. In turn that makes me pick out the diamond in the rough (times).

And of course, this song comes to mind....

Tomorrow's topic: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Day One: Hate

Thanks to Tabulous I've been introduced to The Thirty Days of Truth. This is an experiment where every day for the next 30 I'm going to blog about something or other in a most earnest way. I think it will be a good learning experience, so I'm going to give it a try.

Day One: Something you hate about yourself

As a perpetual perfectionist, I could create a detailed list of my shortfalls, but that's not the point of this experiment, so I'm going to pick a biggie and go with it. I hate how much I worry about what other people think.

Growing up, I can't fathom the number of times I said, "I don't care what they think anyway" even though on the inside, I did. All I wanted was to be liked, but at the same time, I was sort of a weirdo who did my own thing and that wasn't always the status quo. That made my adolescence a time of ridicule leaving me to forgive but to never forget how I was treated. It has a lot to do with why I don't want kids (well and the fact that I just plain don't feel the need to procreate) but it has also taught me to be wary of my actions, because people react to them, sometimes negatively, and that can hurt.

Now as an adult (I guess you can call me that?) this problem has become specific to certain people in my life, mostly the moms and my co-worker's. I have this never-ending internal editor going, before I do many things (ie: say/do much of anything with the girls, get dressed, pipe up at work, etc...) and the worst part is, it exhausting, but it is also something I don't even realize I'm doing at this point. It has became interwoven into my normal thought pattern; I let it become a part of who I am. If I wanted to attempt to pseudo-psycho-analyze myself, I could say I worry the most about what those people who I know don't accept/like me think. Which is so stupid since who cares what people who don't like me, for whatever reason I can't really control, think?

I do, that's who. It is not without good reason (at least from my perspective) that I worry about the moms of my step-kids and the people I work with. The moms have every reason to not like me: I'm the one He chose to be with forever. And at work....well, I am the minority, and I definitely feel it a lot of the time.

Most of the time, I still tell myself "I don't care what they think" even though it is me trying to convince myself of just that.

So.....there is that, now on to Day Two: Something you love about yourself.