Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Day Three: Forgiveness Part One

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I have to forgive myself for being overweight. It feels so juvenile to still be carrying around these self-image issues I have had for as long as I can remember; so long that the last time I didn't think of myself as "overweight/fat" I was 6 years old.

I was my heaviest in October of 2007 weighing in at just under 220 pounds. I joined Weight Watchers and lost almost 50 pounds by summer 2008. I got bored with the program so I quit going, then I re-joined that fall, suprised that I had only gained around 8 pounds over the summer. I got engaged Christmas of 2008 and quit going to Weight Watchers due to money by April of 2009. I told myself I was going to keep eating right and exercising because I wanted to, not because I was getting married ( ha!). It is a wonder what a silly white dress can do to your workout motivation. I dropped down to the smallest I've been in my adult life, around 185 and had never felt better. Then I turned 25. I had a crappy winter. I slept too much, ate too much and socialized too little. I gained at least 15 pounds from September 09 to January 10 (I know this because I ordered a bridesmaid dress in September and when it arrived in January it barely zipped). I was depressed. It was not fun times.

I have spent many years of my life being told I was fat and being made fun of because of my size and appearance. Due to this my weight is directly related to my happiness. Still, even as an adult, I torment myself about my size. Everything I eat I think about if I should be or not, when I don't exercise, I beat myself up. My very unhealthy relationship with food requires more time than I have to write at the moment and the worst part of all of this? The reason I need have to forgive myself for this? I have a husband who loves me exactly how I am and I have friends who just want me to be happy no matter what I look like. I have to let the past rest. I have spent way too many years hanging on to the painful memories of an awkward youth.

So hello, my name is Melberry, and I'm overweight. Deal with it. I am finally ready to.

Tomorrow: Something you have to forgive someone for.

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