Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Thoughts about...babies*GASP*

(Disclaimer: due to this being the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I have just about nothing to do at work, plus this place is deserted so I'm extra bored, thus explaining the random and multiple blogs)

I was cyber-stalking various females I knew in another life (ie: high school) and realized a lot of them have reproduced. Which is fine. What perturbs me about this is how as I was looking at pictures and things, I feel like I am missing the train on this life experience; in other words, I almost feel jealous of these girls. Which really throws me off. I've always found myself saying "I love kids, I just don't want my own" but I am starting to wonder if I am wrong about this.

Then my childhood comes flooding back to me; I had the best parents in the world, but was a very unhappy child inside. Kids can be a-holes and superficial, I don't wish their ridicule upon anyone. I often wonder how different my self-esteem would be now if I would have looked different as a kid. Isn't that horrible? That, along with the annoyance level sometimes created by kids, has always kept me on the straight and narrow about not wanting them.

Although the thought of giving bf (who will eventually be Husband) the chance to do the kid thing the more "traditional" way makes me smile and I know he is great dad, I just don't know if I truly want to. Plus as far as he knows, I don't want them and as far as I know he doesn't want another...but who knows.

Plus there is the whole swallowing my pride and admitting I was mistaken all those years I said I didn't want kids to all the people who said things like "that will change when you meet the right person". But that isn't even what has caused the (semi) change of heart on the subject. When I first met him, and actually up until a couple months ago, I was still 100% not wanting to reproduce. Then bf's sister has to go and have the cutest and happiest baby known to man, and its all been down hill from there. Plus I've grown so fond of Kiddo and I really do miss and am heartbroken about us not being able to see Little One that I think I could do it for myself some day maybe. I dunno.

I do feel better spewing all of these thoughts out here. So woo for that.

Let's pretend to be famous!

Proust Survey from Vanity Fair Magazine:

What is your current state of mind?
Overstimulated and frazzled.

What is your greatest fear?
Being alone as an old lady and actually become an old lady scares me as well.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I care too much about things I cannot control. I'm also vain.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
The act of using ignorance as an excuse.

Which living person do you most admire?
Barack Obama.

Which living person do you most despise?
Those who can think only of themselves; they are probably the loneliest people on earth.

On what occasion do you lie?
To get out of going places.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Aside from bf, music. I feel there is a perfect song for every feeling and I love how that works.

When and where were you happiest?
I honestly do not I'm thinking I haven't reached that first high point in life?

Which talent would you most like to have?
I wish I could sing well.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
My worrying...if I could turn it off permanently it would do a lot of good.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Obtaining my Bachelor's Degree, Magna Cum Laude. Woo

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would it be?
A spoiled, well fed, house-cat.

What is your favorite occupation?
UN Goodwill Ambassador would be awesome.

Who are your favorite writers?
J.K. Rowling, L. Frank Baum, Emily Dickinson

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Harry Potter of course.

Who are your heroes in real life?
My parents, my friends who have stayed true to themselves.

What are your favorite names?
Emma, Verlane, Aurin
Spence, Nickolaus, Tobias

What is your greatest regret?
That I have taken things and people for granted.

How would you like to die?
Unexpectedly...I don't really want to see it coming.

What is your motto?
Life goes on? I don't really know...

Inside the Actor's Studio Questions:

What is your favorite word?
Seriously. It can be used in a wide range of ways.

What is your least favorite word?
Moist. I just don't like it.

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Sarcasm and wit, people speaking passionately about things.

What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Racist, sexist or homophobic language.

What sound or noise do you love?
Kiddo and Little One laughing, rain storms

What sound or noise do you hate?
People I thought I respected using derogatory words

What is your favorite curse word?

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
University Professor.

What profession would you not like to do?
Medical Surgeon...too much pressure.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
I told you I existed!! But come on in anyways :)

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I love lists.

Things to accomplish in the next week:
1. Attempt to enjoying cooking/baking for Turkey Day
2. Possibly get keys to new place from new Landlord
3. Pack and move as much as possible on days off
4. Drive to far away small town to take care of some financial business with Bf
5. Enjoy the company of our families, no matter how different the experiences will be
6. Try and not feel like a failure/have a mini-crisis due to amount of time it is taking to finish Master's Project work

Things I'm looking forward to in the next month:
1. Moving into our new place
2. Painting the bedroom for Kiddo and Little One at the new place and possibly furnishing it with new pretty things
3. Buying normal sized pre-lit Christmas tree and decorating with Kiddo
4. the possibility of a proposal at any moment
5. apartment warming/bad Christmas sweater party that is TBA but totally happening
6. Seeing my brother
7. having more time off of work
8. Getting back into a healthy lifestyle.
9. Buying Christmas presents

Things I want for Christmas:
1. World Peace (totally for serious, I think war is pointless and dumb)
2. Someone to do all my moving for me. I am so excited to move, but the actual moving of things will not be fun.
3. Kiddo's mom to have a lobotomy and not be a crazy beeotch anymore (okay okay that is a bit extreme, but I wish she could at least get on some paxil or prozac or something)
4. A visit with Little One for Bf would be awesome, but there is little to no chance that will happen.

Places I would love to be right now: (just for fun)
1. On the beach in Hawaii
2. In a big snuggly bed with Bf with loads of movies at our finger tips
3. On a couch, in front of a lit fire place reading a great book
4. Having a late lunch with my bff talking about her/our wedding plans
5. Driving a new (to me at least, not brand new) VW Rabbit with a Manual Trans., and fully loaded accessories

Monday, November 24, 2008


(note: Kiddo= bf's oldest child, Litte One=bf's youngest child, bf=boyfriend, duh!)

What a weekend. I was in crap mood Friday to early Saturday morning...and I was worried I couldn't shake it, but once we got to Kiddo's basketball game around 9:30 things were looking better. I really do love the kid...she is such a good one. Once we got to bf's 'rents I got to play with bf's nephew. He is by far, the happiest baby I have ever met. He actually makes the thought of having a baby of my own something I wouldn't mind doing, but I constantly remind myself of two things: they aren't all this great and they don't stay little forever....although I used to despise kids Kiddo's age before I met bf...but now I pretty much adore her....

So after OSU beats Michigan, bf's 'rents decide to put the Christmas tree up and let the grandkids go to town. They really did a good job, with some help putting things up higher. It was just a great day all around.

bf and I stayed in the guest house behind his 'rents house...and discovered a trunk of old pictures. There were a bunch from bf's childhood as well as from right after Kiddo was born, which I had never seen. Although there was a certain person in most of them (her mom obviously) I didn't even care. He made a big deal about it...apologizing for me having to see them together in pictures, which was cute, but at the same time, I think he STILL hasn't realized how much I am unlike any girl from his past. So that was a fun walk down memory lane for him and pretty entertaining for me as well, to see a lot of pictures from when he was little.

Sunday was a 180 turn from the awesomeness of Saturday. Bf woke up with a sore/swollen throat, which freaked me out because I first thought: allergic reaction, what if he can't breathe? Once we ruled that out because he didn't eat anything weird the day before, his sister (she's a medical assistant) took a look at it and said it was probably just the beginnings of an infection and we decided it would be best to find an Urgent Care and get a Rx to clear it up asap.

First thought for bf was to call Kiddo's mom to arrange dropping her off earlier than previously planned. He didn't like having to cut his weekend short with Kiddo, but he was willing to give up the time to keep her from being sick so it seemed like the logical answer to us. She, however, did not agree and railed on him about how he needs to be a parent and said things like "what do you think I do when I'm sick?" When he told me she said that, all I could think is, um, you call your parents (side note: Kiddo spends AT LEAST two nights a week, every week, with her maternal grandparents, not that she shouldn't spend time with them, but she doesn't even see her dad that often) or us so you don't get your kid sick.

So bf says, okay, no big deal, Kiddo can hang at his 'rents for a couple hours, we'll run to an Urgent Care and then be back. Well, after this is decided, Kiddo's mom calls back saying "you need to take care of yourself, drop her off now, I'm taking her to Chuck E. Cheese". This is a reoccurring pattern with Kiddo's mom. If bf has a logical answer to a problem, she yells at him saying its wrong, stupid and that she won't do it, hangs up on him and then calls back 10 minutes later basically claiming the idea as her own. Everything has to be on her terms or she wants nothing to do with it.

Something must have clicked inside bf because he calmly refused Kiddo's mom's new plan saying we had already worked it out and Kiddo will come home at the previously arranged time. In the past, he would have just gone along with whatever she said to avoid more fighting but I think he's finally had enough. So, insanity ensues with mass amounts of calls and hang ups to bf's cell phone, and then she starts calling bf's 'rents land line, threatening to call for a police escort to come get Kiddo right now. She was screaming at him so loud, I could hear entire words across the room, without her being on speaker phone, over top the kids making noise and the TV.

So long story short, (I know TOO LATE, right?) we leave for Urgent Care and right after bf goes back to see a doctor, his mom calls to let us know Kiddo has been picked up by her mom. She said Kiddo's mom gave an awesome crying performance which halted abruptly when she got in her car outside. This was after after she tried to basically drag Kiddo out the front door without her coat on and without Kiddo getting to say a proper goodbye to her paternal grandparents because she was in such a hurry. That's GREAT parenting. This is the same woman who earlier told bf to tell Kiddo she is grounded if she didn't talk to her right then on the phone (Kiddo was upset because she thought she had to go home a lot earlier than originally planned and was crying and didn't want to talk on the phone).

After I tell bf I talked to his mom, he concludes we are going to have to go to court once Little One's court stuff is finalized to get a better plan in place. Right now, Kiddo's mom gets court ordered support for her, but the visitation schedule is not court ordered because they agreed to both be flexible. Obviously that is not the case anymore.

It just really busts my balls how a woman can do this to her child out of spite and hatred for an ex. ESPECIALLY when this woman is engaged to be married to another man with whom she lives and has a 12 month old. Its effing ridiculous.

So overall, I am quite proud of bf for standing his ground, but obviously that doesn't do any good. I just hope Kiddo is okay...she deals with way more emotionally than any 6 year old should ever have to and since her mother obviously can't see the damage she is doing, some female in her life needs to take notice and worry, and it looks like that female is me.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

It is time.

So now is the time I proclaim via this blog what I have been thinking about over the past month: I need to make some serious lifestyle changes once again.

One year ago, two weeks from today, I started a popular weight loss plan and by April of 2008, I lost a total of 30 pounds. It wasn't an easy task for me given my hereditary, crap-metabolism and overall ideal of my body image. It was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. However, I had never felt better about myself than while I was following the plan and I'm sure it was the healthiest I had ever been. I had more energy, I slept better and most importantly, my mood was awesome a majority of time. Somewhere along the line I began to slip...and teeter...and then, just as summer hit, I completely fell off the proverbial healthy wagon. I now find myself eating fast food way too often, being a lazy mofo who never exercises, I'm constantly tired and have a hell of time getting up in the mornings and I can see a huge difference in my attitude, mood and stress level. I know I haven't gained back all of the 30 pounds lost, but it is not just about that anymore; its much more than the number of pounds at this point, its about my mental and physical health.

I am really disappointed in myself for letting this happen, but two weeks from today I start a new chapter: I'm starting over with the healthy lifestyle and hopefully a better outlook on life by rejoining my weight loss plan.

There, I've gone and said it.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Need to organize....

...before my head explodes. Quick lil list of happenings and need-to-happen's:

1. Signed lease monday, get keys by Dec. 1st (possibly sooner), pay first month's rent and deposit by 1st to new landlord, pay pro-rated rent for Dec. to current landlord.
2. Sign paperwork/put in mail for car insurance/renter's insurance.
3. Call Father to arrange time to meet at title office to sign car over to me.
4. Drive to Kent State and back Thursday for work.
5. Attempt to finish data entry/begin to write project paper ASAP.
6. breathe.
7. Make sure all the bills are paid and we still have money to function on.
8. Call utilities and make sure they get turned off at current place on 13th/turned on in my name on the 1st at new place (or sooner, if we get in there sooner)
9. Not lose mind/have nervous breakdown.
10. Cancel cable until we move and re-establish account in BF's name so we can get a good deal.
11. Try and not wig out...because I know it won't help anything.....

Friday, November 14, 2008

Its November 14, 2008...what are you doing with your life?

Holy moley I am busy as crap right now. Lots of things going on all at once.

I had been calling about a ridiculously large, awesome priced apartment in town and finally got a call back from the guy. We went to look on Wednesday evening and I completely fell in love. It has two bedrooms, huge kitchen with a counter/bar area and dining area, big bathroom and the whole place is 1300 sq. ft if that gives you an idea of the size. The landlord told us its very quiet and extremely well insulated and the girl who is moving out heated the whole place every winter for four years with two ceramic heaters. We went ahead and filled out an application, and are waiting to hear back. I'll probably cry a little if for some reason it doesn't work out.

We also set up an appointment to look at this awesome completely renovated house that is for sale/possible lease with the option to buy, but it is way expensive and the guy didn't sound like he wants to lease at all (which is dumb since in the listing it says "call about possible lease option"). We are still going to go drool over it this evening.

I've been so busy at work this week. Its been a bit unreal but actually awesome. I wish I was that busy all the time.

The Master's Project needs to get finished ASAP, and I've been pushing to work on it a bit each day. I'm thinking about doing a long day in the labs tomorrow to try and punch out the rest of the data entry so I can actually start analyzing.

Boyfriend received a certain credit card in the mail last Friday for a certain jewelry store which I hope he uses soon :D

The more I think about wedding stuff, the more I want to streamline the whole thing and make it as simple as possible. Mostly because I feel a little sick to my stomach whenever I think about the nitty gritty detailing of most weddings. And I know this isn't going to go over well, but the more I think about it, the more I don't want a huge bridal party. I really just want MOH and sister and him to just do BM and one groomsmen but I doubt that will work since he has two brothers and wouldn't want to have to pick between sister can be escorted by both his brothers and then just his BM! That just might work. I don't think he cares that much, but I guess we'll see.

argh...I've had shitty girl cramps for about 4 days off and on this week. Its a bit annoying. Ah well, life goes on.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


I have not felt pride for my country in a very long time. I've felt disappointment, anger, sadness, disbelief and a slew of other negative feelings over the past 8 years. I even felt ashamed on certain occasions, but last night, I have never been more proud to have been born and raised in Suburban Ohio in this great nation. For once, the country has learned from her mistakes and done something about it. For once, we have shown the world we are as equal as we say we are. For the first time in years, I am actually optimistic that this country will become known once again for the great things she does opposed to the heinous and that we will lead by example to bring real change all over the globe.

So, twenty years from now, when asked where I was the night the first African-American, Senator Barack Obama, became president, I will vividly remember the feeling of sitting on my couch, drinking a beer and feeling elation about the state of my country. Mostly because this is the first time that has ever happened but also because I am SO proud to be an American for the first time in my adult life.

This was a victory for so many people....not only African Americans, but women too. With a VP candidate like Sarah Palin, I was pretty freaked out about the possibility of her making it to the White House, and then, being second in command behind an old guy (okay, I'll admit it, she scared me more than a politician ever has). The woman actually makes rape victims pay for their rape kits in Alaska and wants to make abortion illegal, even if the incident producing the child was incest and/or the victim was raped. She donated volunteer pilots so Alaskans could aerial hunt wolves and then, rewarded them with some ridiculous amount of money (I read 18,000...but I this isn't confirmed) for every fresh left leg from the animal they brought in. That is what Governor Palin is doing with Alaska's money? Can you imagine what would have happened if she made it to the White House? Thankfully, we don't even have to think about the possibilities anymore.

The middle class also had a major victory. Barack Obama spoke to us and we listened. He wants to provide tax cuts to the middle class (news flash: THATS THE MAJORITY OF AMERICAN CITIZENS!) and tax the wealthiest 5% who have been receiving breaks for the past 8 years from the Bush Administration. That speaks for itself.

I'm excited about the future of this country. We did it! Change is inevitable, and now since we have the right leadership, the right changes can be made.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Credit needs to be given

Saturday, while we needed a time waster for his car to get an oil change, we went to look at rings. At first he said, "no, I don't want to look until I save up some money" but then I pointed out he doesn't even know how much money he needs to save and he couldn't argue. Plus I reminded him it is only looking and nothing will be bought because I do not want to be with him when he picks it out.

So I picked three. One of which he actually found in the jewelry case and I really liked. Now he will pick one (hopefully not by price, but by how much he thinks I will like it) and it is all up to him as to when.

He couldn't have made up for what happened last week any better.