Inner Conflict.

I finally did it. I reorganized our bills/mail/nonsense "landing strip" area last night. It was not as fun as I thought it would be, nor does it look as awesome as I imagined. Either way, it is much more streamlined and tidy, which I hope will help quell my inner demons since its the first place I see when I get home and the last place I see before leaving. (I remembered to take before and after pictures for once, but haven't gotten them on a computer yet....maybe tomorrow?)

For some reason, I just can't let clutter be. I have a theory on this: when my brain is a cluttered mess, I can't stand my physical surroundings to be the same.

I got up off the couch to go to bed at 10 last night. I actually got into bed at 10:25, after I cleaned up the kitchen, fed the cat, picked out what I'm wearing right now, brushed my teeth and huffed and puffed about how messy the bedroom has become. It's a reoccurring trend. Our clothes storage consists of one four drawer dresser and a normal size closet with an extremely warped single pole (which causes everything to slide towards the middle) and piles of insanity underneath. I think I might have to visit IKEA soon and buy this guy:



I think it would be as step in the right direction.

In other news, there is a house in the town where Kiddo lives (right around the block from her house, to be exact) that keeps dropping in price. It's a fixer, but it has its high points: two car garage, big deck and yard, 1.5 bathrooms and decent sized rooms so we are considering it. I think it has potential (unless there is something crazy bad wrong with the foundation, roof and/or any mention of the word "mold" and its a no go) Although neither of us is ecstatic to move to this town we decided it won't be forever. Plus it is so close to Kiddo and 30 minutes closer to Little One. We are going to get pre-approved through our Credit Union and then call the Realtor for a possible showing Sunday.

Possible future casa de Melberry?

Stay tuned for more on this...among other things.

Letter.

Dear Great Lakes,

Thank you so much for adjusting my monthly payments since I could not afford the original $230 a month (due to other bills, including my additional private student loan payment I currently make of $155 a month, which will increase to $250 a month in March). It will be SO MUCH easier to pay you $107 a month until 2013 when it will jump to $311 a month, which is a TOTALLY reasonable amount of money to pay for SIX YEARS, again on top of my private loan payment which will be around $350 a month by then. Oh and thanks for telling me this is my only option, besides the $230 a month I can't afford right now. I liked hearing that so much that I burst into hysterical crying which resulted in hyperventilation. While at work.

I'm SO FUCKING GRATEFUL for my Bachelor's Degree your loans helped me get, and in turn the WONDERFUL, COMPLETELY FULFILLING job I presently have. It DEFINITELY makes it possible for me to not live paycheck to paycheck and really enjoy my life and not worry incessantly about my finances.


Best,
Another Jaded 20something.

p.s.- Understanding College Student Loans should be a mandatory class your senior year of high school, especially when neither of your parents went to college.

(note: all words in CAPS may possibly be heavily laden with sarcasm....and most other words too.)

MIA

I have some explaining to do, dear readers (all 4 of you....holla!!)

You see, I've been sort of lax on the blogging as of late. Mostly because I feel a very strong urge to bitch and moan every time I go to post something and I don't want to be a downer so I choose not to share on those particular days. Which lately, seems to be....well Every. Stinking. Day.

I need to get it out...so out with it: (although I will try to see the silver lining and put a positive spin on things)

I am struggling with this mess of a wedding...one day I am ready to take charge and the next I want nothing to do with it. I made a "everything left to do" list yesterday and its not awful, although the "things needing done that don't cost money" section is v. small, just like our bank account balance which in this case, is v. bad news, since just about everything we have left to do requires purchasing things.

I started working on my Master's Project again early last month but seem to have lost steam on that once again. My current excuse is, "my advisor is out of the state on vacation until July 20, so I can't do much more w/o consulting her" which is really, a load of crap...well, yes she really is on vacay, but I could be doing a lot on my own, I just choose not to. I know I'll finish, I just keep putting it off.

All the while I am trying with all my might to not worry incessantly about money. It is a HUGE problem for me...even when we have money, I worry about expensive "what if's" that could pop up. So I try and remember how most people don't have enough right now...and we both still have jobs and a place to live and cars that run and we are in love and getting hitched and we are really lucky to have each other.

So make me feel better today, lovelies....what is your biggest worry as of today, July 1st 2009? Sharing is fun...and it might make you feel a little bit better as well.

Costs.

I am thankful for this job...I preface the following statement with this fact.

I do not know if I have ever felt this level of dread associated with getting out of bed and coming to work before today.

Yes, I can pay my bills but at what price?

I can see why people previously in this position weren't happy. It is a very lonely job....and sometimes very frustrating, but I will persevere.

I am thankful for this job....but that doesn't mean I can't wish I were still snuggled in my bed with my adorable Fiancé on this rainy Monday.

Today will be okay....I have lots to keep me busy and Pandora to keep my ears full of good tunes. I am also going to the gym on campus after work for the first time. After lazily sitting on my arse for most of yesterday (this included a 2 hour block of cat-napping whilst Fiancé played Call of Duty 5) I am ready to stop being so sedentary. Plus it might boost my spirits about having to come here day in and day out. With 131 days until the wedding, and me not feeling so great about my forearms, I think its time to take some action.

Happy Monday...try to find your silver lining, it seems to help me on rainy days.

self-medicate.

I think I might have the half bottle of wine in my fridge for dinner tonight.

I can't seem to EVER feel like I have control over our finances. All I do is worry about all the different payments...even though we ALWAYS pay everything on time and even have a bit left over sometimes. Which that will probably change with my $363 a month loan payment beginning next month.

I just don't want this constant state of worry anymore. I have an unconventional wedding to worry about...that is enough for one chica.

I wish I had some cash...I'd buy a lotto ticket on the way home if I did.

I haven't really had the motivation to post anything on here in a bit. Wedding planning is going pretty steady...I even went and tried on dresses last night. The blurry as hell one was my favorite but the dress was a size too small and quite snug since they don't carry every dress in every size; you have to order it. We weren't supposed to take pictures at all, but we found this out after taking the other two of the first one I tried on (and later vetoed because that bitch was heavy and the train was too much) which was also a size too small. It wasn't as fun as I imagined but I really do love my sister for helping me in and out of them...I wasn't up for a total stranger seeing me just about naked. Hopefully the next place we go Saturday will do me the same service by letting someone I know help me. We are thinking they may have more of things that will fit me as well. We'll see.

I'm very unhappy at the moment because I have finally figured out exactly how much money I owe in student loans and it is RIDICULOUS. I'm talking sent me into hysterical crying, I almost threw up and then almost passed out ridiculous. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid even if I can consolidate them, that the monthly payment is going to be so high we won't be able to be comfortable, let alone pay for the wedding. I'm never going to be able to afford a new car and we'll probably never be able to buy a house in the town we want to. Being grown up sucks.

All the craptasticness (there's a gem of a made up word) of my financial woes....today was a very awesome day that I will remember as long as I live. I watched for the first time, an African-American become our 44th president. Not only that, I watched with pride for my country and hope for a better tomorrow, not just in the United States, but for the entire world.

Hopefully tomorrow I can put on my big girl panties and face the massive amount of debt I have, but for now, I'm freaking out.

The end.

Phew!!

I came through Christmas and New Years only gaining 6/10 of a pound. Woo! That was me attending two Christmas family functions, celebrating our engagement impromptu style the night of with friends, partying with friends, getting pretty intoxicated on New Years Eve and then celebrating our engagement with the family all while not journaling.

I don't think that's so bad. The one shitty part is, last year I DID keep track and lost about 2 pounds but oh well. It's behind me now and I'm all about doing things the right way. I am going to work out with my WW buddy right after work tonight and will be doing so every Tuesday and Thursday. We also plan on getting a treadmill, but it may have to wait a bit longer since the engagement guitar threw off our fiances for the month.

Stress level is subdued as I am trying to not freak out over things I normally would. I refuse to spend my life in a constant state of panic, and there isn't much I can do about the things I worry so much about anyways.

Wedding planning is coming along. We have an appointment Saturday afternoon at 1 for the venue. Hopefully our date is available. If not, we'll work something out.

Yay for life. Time to work.

Beyond the Grey Skies.

I have somehow mentally convinced myself to stop being in such a shitty mood. Go me. I am a bit surprised how easy it was. Most of why it is working centers on this: a majority of things I've been worrying about are things that either aren't worth worrying about because they are so minuscule (like, where to put this or that at the apartment) or they aren't worth worrying about because there is nothing to be done about them (having to pay ANOTHER $200 deposit for our utility account for the new place while not getting the other one back until January)

I am nothing but excited for the impending engagement. I know it is going to happen sooner than later and that is enough for me. I mentioned the whole wedding thing recently, in passing and how excited I am to see Shelby's ring Friday and he goes "I need to go shopping by myself soon" and I asked him if he wanted me to get started on Kiddo's and Little One's shopping Friday and he said, yeah but I still need to go by myself to get your stuff but I'm convinced he is getting the ring then as well (!!!) because the comment was triggered by me mentioning Shelby's.

Yay for being happy again.

I also made another pretty:

Need to organize....

...before my head explodes. Quick lil list of happenings and need-to-happen's:

1. Signed lease monday, get keys by Dec. 1st (possibly sooner), pay first month's rent and deposit by 1st to new landlord, pay pro-rated rent for Dec. to current landlord.
2. Sign paperwork/put in mail for car insurance/renter's insurance.
3. Call Father to arrange time to meet at title office to sign car over to me.
4. Drive to Kent State and back Thursday for work.
5. Attempt to finish data entry/begin to write project paper ASAP.
6. breathe.
7. Make sure all the bills are paid and we still have money to function on.
8. Call utilities and make sure they get turned off at current place on 13th/turned on in my name on the 1st at new place (or sooner, if we get in there sooner)
9. Not lose mind/have nervous breakdown.
10. Cancel cable until we move and re-establish account in BF's name so we can get a good deal.
11. Try and not wig out...because I know it won't help anything.....

Here we are.

There comes a moment when you really realize you are getting older. Its always something relatively mundane that shouldn't excite you, but for some reason it does. For example, the natural gas company bill came, and it was only $100. I am 23 years old and this was the high point of my Tuesday.  As soon as the elation subsided, I laughed to myself about it, but that's when it hit me: Here we are, twentysomethings and already excited about a reasonable utility payment. Its all downhill from here.