Monday, November 23, 2009


That is how many pounds I've gained since September. I know this only because I had an ear infection right around my birthday in September and went into the doctor for good old antibiotics. Once again, my ear is infected, so I made the 45 minute journey (I REALLY need to find a closer doc) on Friday to come face to face with the scale. Two months= 8 pounds heavier.

Some would suggest I should get a scale to have in my home so I could keep better tabs on things. If I wasn't obsessive about my weight- without a scale in my house- I totally would, but I don't think having 24/7 access to my body weight would help anything. It would most likely make things worse.

Two months of eating my emotions. Two months of "I'll start working out tomorrow" and "no more fast food after today" and a million other broken promises to myself.

I don't think there is anything harder for me than to NOT obsess over my weight. The one time I stopped thinking about it so much, when Husband and I got into that comfortable stage of dating about 3 years ago, I gained nearly 40 pounds. Then lost it, then gained some back, then lost a bit, now gaining again. It's absolutely exhausting.

I know he loves me for me, and he loved me 4o pounds heavier, but that can't convince me he doesn't think I look fat with barely anything on. Especially knowing what his past girlfriends look like, knowing they were much skinnier than me.

I feel anxious when I feel fat. I feel like I did as a kid who was overweight with frizzy hair and glasses.

My sister is pregnant, which I'm ecstatic about, but I am genuinely jealous that she's lost 13 pounds since conception due to constant nausea.

I'm working out again...using the video I used all summer before the wedding. I like it, and it definitely gave me results then, but the biggest thing that needs to change is my eating habits. I'm finding it very hard to eat healthy due to the cost of healthy foods more than anything. It's so unfair to have to choose between healthy food and budget friendly food.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Secrets Secrets.

Is it me, or is today extra craptastic? I think its just me.....Post Secret helped a bit though.

Friday, November 13, 2009


No, this isn't a post about abc's friday night line up from the 1990's (sorry to disappoint). It is my weekly list of random things I'm thankful for:

1. Veterans. My dad, brother, all three of my Uncles and both my grandfathers are/were soldiers. Patriotism is in my blood...even if I choose to support the soldiers but not the wars.
2. My little apartment. We don't have a yard, or even a deck, but we have someplace to call home. Plus living above a business lets us avoid expensive natural gas bills in the winter: we still haven't turned on the furnace and we probably won't. Yay for Amish installed insulation! (says the landlord)
3. The heater that came with my job. Without it, I would have to wear a snow suit to work because they also are avoiding turning on the heat at my work, however, I don't think they have good insulation, let alone, Amish installed.

Happy Freakin' Friday.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Back on the wagon.

The weight loss wagon, that is.

Heeeeeeeey!! You go girl! (Don't worry, I'm definitely not Sweatin' to the Oldies or anything of the Simmon's nature)

This week I began working out again. My quads are still screaming at me and my abs, and my arms...pretty much my entire body from the neck down is pissed off. Just a bit over 2 months of not exercising will do that to me. I'm happy to be back at it, even if things are ridiculously sore. I'm already feeling better about myself between thoughts of how to convince my husband to install a soaking bathtub with jets into our apartment. That we rent.

I am still a bit in shock of just how sore practically every major muscle of my bod is....back in August, I was kicking this workout's ass 6 days a week and now, it has me walking like I'm 85. No joke.

Now if I could get my employer to turn on the godforsaken furnace things would really be looking up. Until then, I'll sit layered and huddled near my tiny heater for warmth.

Friday, November 6, 2009

tgif, bitches.

Explanation can be read here

Today I remind myself how I am thankful for:
1. My right to vote (even in non-presidential year elections!)
2. Heated seats...enough said.
3. Messages written on steamy mirrors. They can make a morning so much better.
4. Good friends who you can be stupid with, and have those giant belly laughs with over practically nothing.

What are you thankful for today?

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Songs I love.

Do you ever hear a song and get goose bumps? It may be cheesy, but I swear this is my anthem lately. It's a goodie.

I swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun....

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Step-parenting: such a slippery slope.

When a lady finds herself in the position of step-mom, there are tons of emotional escapades that will follow. Last Friday was definitely one of the all time worst. I've never been physically ill from something that has happened, but this almost made me throw-up, I was so angry.

My oldest step daughter (AKA Kiddo around these parts) is quite possibly the best behaved 7 year old on the planet. She listens, she never back-talks and rarely throws anything resembling even a mild temper tantrum. She is very smart and it is a joy to me to be a part of her life. I've written in the past about how Kiddo's mother isn't the best female role model for a young girl so I really try to be a good person/woman for Kiddo to be around. In not so nice words: her mother is a selfish bitch.

Friday Husband and I took the day off work to figure out Halloween costumes. He picks up Kiddo from school most days, so I was along for the ride. Usually Kiddo goes to a babysitter after school for two hours, but on this day, her mother's other child (with her now husband) was sick, so Kiddo was going to her mom's instead, after we dropped off the babysitter's son, who gets a ride sometimes. All of this was explained on the short drive from their school to the babysitter's house. While husband walked the second grader to his door, I asked (the oddly quiet) Kiddo if she was thinking about what to be for Halloween next year (they had dressed up for a party this day; she was the cutest darn cowgirl ever and I was UBER pissed I didn't have my camera) and I got an "I-I-I don't know!" in between sobs. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, "I miss my Daddy!" This broke my heart. Once I recovered I asked her if she thought this was a weekend she was coming home with us, and she nodded. Husband tried his best to console her once he was back in the car, and told her he would ask her mom if she could stay at least that night with us.

I don't ever participate in the door to door drop off part of things, because, quite frankly, her mother makes me very uncomfortable, plus we don't want to give her the satisfaction of being able to see me on a regular basis. She is very judgemental and her thing is backhanded comments and snide remarks, Husband doesn't want me to have to deal with her anymore than I already do. Anyway, he takes Kiddo up and meets her mother at the front door, I can see them talking and then I see Husband pick her up and give her a long hug, which I know means her mom said no. As her child stood there crying, because she misses her father, who is WAY MORE than willing to have her spend the evening with him, she says no. What the F*CK is wrong with this woman?

(Let me add this side note: Husband pays court ordered support for Kiddo, but when it was processed, he was still in college, so they agreed to not have a formal court ordered visitation schedule, since his work schedule changed often but that they would follow it as best they could and be flexible with things. This is supposed to be Friday at 6pm until Sunday at 6pm every other weekend and one day during the week. Now that he has a 9 to 5 job, you would think this would be easy to follow except Kiddo's mom is a bitch. We haven't had her on a week day in two goddamn years, but she does stay with her Maternal grandparents 1 to 2 times per week...I know wtf is that shit?)

It made me so sad and angry at the same time I actually thought I was going to throw up for a minute once he got back in the car. He told me when her mother said no, Kiddo sobbed even louder. Its so hard to watch a woman emotionally hurt her child like that and not be able to do a damn thing about it. It is truly maddening. Plus Husband has been dealing with this for five years (since him and Kiddo's mom split) so he just buries the anger because he knows there is nothing to change her ways.

I really didn't know where I was going with this, but I feel better getting it out there, so thanks for reading.