Thursday, December 18, 2008

Lifestyle change update: I've somehow lost 5.8 pounds in two weeks. I'm not entirely sure how I did this, besides the general lack of groceries we have due to the move draining our bank account and having to spend 5 hours at the old apartment on Sunday cleaning like Cinderella, minus the cutesy talking animals and perfect hair. Needless to say, I'm not going about this in the most conventional way, but I'm never too hungry and I don't have a gym membership anymore so I'll take whatever high intensity workout I can get.

Today I am unusually excited about absolutely nothing. (Besides the fact that I'm pretty sure bf went and got the ring yesterday....but I have nothing besides my own keen ability to notice and remember EVERYTHING to confirm this.)

I should be cranky for many reasons. Here, I'll make a list:
1. I'm freezing. My nose is numb, I have on a scarf, hat, short sleeved sweater turtleneck, cardigan and zip up fleece and I'm still cold because the heat is still broke at work.
2. We still don't know how we are going to buy presents for our families, or each other for that matter. If the deposit on the old place doesn't arrive in the mail on or before the 23rd, we'll be working on a $50 budget for both sets of parents, my bro and sis and his niece and three nephews. The joys of Christmas during a recession.
3. There is something wrong with my interweb browser at work. I use Mozilla, but IE keeps popping up with stupid ads. Plus its running slow.
4. I'm hungry but my lunch doesn't sound good at all.

However, for some reason, none of this is bothering me today. Yay.

Randomness: bf's heater has been barely working/not working at all for the past month. This one lady he works with (who he doesn't exactly like, she is sort of a moron and he refers to her as Crazy Lady) caught wind of the situation and forced him to take the car to a place they do ads for and is working out some sort of deal for them to fix it in exchange for ad space or something. Hurrah for random acts of kindness.

PS-I have this beautiful friend who just happens to be pregnant. She is awesome and radiates beauty not only on the outside, but also on the inside. Just thought I would share :)

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Beyond the Grey Skies.

I have somehow mentally convinced myself to stop being in such a shitty mood. Go me. I am a bit surprised how easy it was. Most of why it is working centers on this: a majority of things I've been worrying about are things that either aren't worth worrying about because they are so minuscule (like, where to put this or that at the apartment) or they aren't worth worrying about because there is nothing to be done about them (having to pay ANOTHER $200 deposit for our utility account for the new place while not getting the other one back until January)

I am nothing but excited for the impending engagement. I know it is going to happen sooner than later and that is enough for me. I mentioned the whole wedding thing recently, in passing and how excited I am to see Shelby's ring Friday and he goes "I need to go shopping by myself soon" and I asked him if he wanted me to get started on Kiddo's and Little One's shopping Friday and he said, yeah but I still need to go by myself to get your stuff but I'm convinced he is getting the ring then as well (!!!) because the comment was triggered by me mentioning Shelby's.

Yay for being happy again.

I also made another pretty:

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


I awoke around 5am and remembered a really bad dream I had. So I roll over and cuddle up to bf, because that is what I do when I have bad dreams. He doesn't wake, but moves slightly in his sleep a bit and then I fall half back asleep but realize I wasn't comfy and being to move. In reaction, bf rolls over on his side (he had been on his back) with his butt facing me. So I cuddle up behind him (think spooning) and he farts on me! I giggle a bit, have completely forgot the bad dream at this point and fall back asleep. I love this man...even with his nocturnal gases.

Monday, December 8, 2008

quick....list 10 things you are thankful for.

In no particular order:

1. Family/friends who care.
2. Boyfriend.
3. Job.
4. I have all my limbs and they all function.
5. New/bigger apartment.
6. pretty snow showers.
7. Cuddles from boyfriend.
8. TV shows on DVD, especially Friends (if they didn't exist, I would be a sad, cable-less girl watching tons of movies)
9. Coffee. It makes me happy on the cold and sleepy mornings.

I am tired of all this negativity swirling around in my brain. Its annoying, it gives me wrinkles and stresses me the eff out. So I am trying to accentuate the positive this week and plan on making part of this posting a blog every day with a positive tone. Go me.

Friday, December 5, 2008

I made a pretty....

These help me at least use my wedding mania for positive, rather than negative.


I need to bitch, and since just about all my girlfriends (Tabs, if you want to stop reading now, I will understand) have already listened to the condensed version of this speech, I don't want to annoy them with the long and painfully negative/whiny version so here goes....with a bit of our history before the actual bitching.

On New Years Eve, bf and I will have been together for 3 years, or at least it will have been three years ago that I kissed him for the first time, and since I stopped even looking at other guys after that night (yes, it was that good) I pretend its our "anniversary" since we took things so painfully slow at first and there really wasn't a day when he asked me to be his gf or anything. I am not complaining about how slow things were for us in the beginning, it was what I needed at the time and it worked best for both of us.

This year has been the year of FOUR weddings. One in March, three from Sept. 20 to Oct. 10. Many people I know and love have gotten married or gotten engaged this year. The weddings have been awesome fun, but have given me the insane, crazy, I want to get married as soon as possible, itch.

The M word first came up one Friday night back in February or March. I don't really know how (probably since I was a bit drunk I brought it up, but I can't remember) but I do remember him saying, "it definitely makes it easier for me to ask knowing you will say yes". The seed is planted.
It comes up again in the end of March, when we went to Columbus for a weekend, wandered through a mall and I showed him what I thought I wanted ring-wise. Of course, the one they get out of the case for me to try on is a $7,000 2 carat, round cut solitare. He says, wow that's it? It is sort of boring, then we see the price and I start laughing and his eyes get huge and we say thanks and leave. I later conclude the band must have been platinum and it was in the mall so the mark up is very high. The marriage talk pretty much subsides for the whole summer.....until fall wedding season begins. And we catch the bouquet/garter at his brother's wedding. And his extended family keeps asking me when the next wedding will be. And his brother and friends ask me to marry him because "you're so awesome". And his mom and sister always call me Aunt Sara when I'm playing with the little kids. And just being at friends wedding's makes me all teary because of all of the looooove and pretty dresses and romance. The crazy wedding thoughts continue to build.

Then, the first weekend of November, we dropped his car off to get an oil change and go to lunch. At lunch I ask him what we are going to do after to kill time before the car is ready, and I smile. He says, "no, I don't want to look until I've saved some money" I point out "you won't know what to save unless we go look since I don't really know what I want anymore". He can't argue, ring pricing ensues. I was shaking the whole time we were in the jewelry store. Very excited. So I chose three rings that day that I loved equally. He qualified for financing and I told him to come back whenever he is ready and choose from the three. I almost wish now I would have made him choose that day because the waiting and thinking about it is driving me fucking insane.

My crazy, irrational side is thinking things like, "why hasn't he done it yet? Has he changed his mind? What's wrong with him? What's wrong with me? Are we okay? I am really ready to spend the rest of my life with him if he can't even go get the damn ring and ask me in the timely fashion?"
My logical, rational side replies with, "he hasn't done it yet because he knows how I am and he's trying to catch me off guard. He hasn't changed his mind, we just moved into a great new apartment together and he loves me. He is just being him, and I know he will do it when he is ready. I am just being me, and I need to focus on other things in life besides the proposal. Yes we are fine, our relationship is evolving but that is what happens and we are happy, which is all that matters. Yes I am, he's my lobster, even if he isn't on the schedule that is in my head.

So this is a glimpse into what is going on in my head about 5 or 6 times a day. Its a bit unnerving if I may say so myself.

I am seriously I woman possessed by the thoughts of proposal/wedding/marriage. I NEVER EVER thought I would be like this either. Its ridiculous and I don't really like it, but I can't seem to distract myself from it.

I wish he would just do it and get it over with! All I want for Christmas is ring on finger!!!!!!! end rant.

I don't really feel better, but at least I can look back at this blog and laugh whenever we do get engaged.

Thursday, December 4, 2008


So I have gained 7.4 pounds since mid July. Not as much as I expected so that is great. Although I was not treated like a new member since my file was still on site and I didn't have to fill out paper work again, I am acting like I am starting from scratch so my first major goal is 10% of my (new) starting weight. I now know this plan is something I am going to have to follow for the rest of my life and I am perfectly okay with this fact. I need the structure in order to keep on track. I have a refreshing sense of calm about things as well. If I can't control x, y and z that is going on in my life right now, at least I can control what is going into my mouth once again.

Plus, I have this pesky habit of putting other people's needs before my own and I need to do this for me, not only for my physical health, but for my mental health as well.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Thoughts about...babies*GASP*

(Disclaimer: due to this being the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I have just about nothing to do at work, plus this place is deserted so I'm extra bored, thus explaining the random and multiple blogs)

I was cyber-stalking various females I knew in another life (ie: high school) and realized a lot of them have reproduced. Which is fine. What perturbs me about this is how as I was looking at pictures and things, I feel like I am missing the train on this life experience; in other words, I almost feel jealous of these girls. Which really throws me off. I've always found myself saying "I love kids, I just don't want my own" but I am starting to wonder if I am wrong about this.

Then my childhood comes flooding back to me; I had the best parents in the world, but was a very unhappy child inside. Kids can be a-holes and superficial, I don't wish their ridicule upon anyone. I often wonder how different my self-esteem would be now if I would have looked different as a kid. Isn't that horrible? That, along with the annoyance level sometimes created by kids, has always kept me on the straight and narrow about not wanting them.

Although the thought of giving bf (who will eventually be Husband) the chance to do the kid thing the more "traditional" way makes me smile and I know he is great dad, I just don't know if I truly want to. Plus as far as he knows, I don't want them and as far as I know he doesn't want another...but who knows.

Plus there is the whole swallowing my pride and admitting I was mistaken all those years I said I didn't want kids to all the people who said things like "that will change when you meet the right person". But that isn't even what has caused the (semi) change of heart on the subject. When I first met him, and actually up until a couple months ago, I was still 100% not wanting to reproduce. Then bf's sister has to go and have the cutest and happiest baby known to man, and its all been down hill from there. Plus I've grown so fond of Kiddo and I really do miss and am heartbroken about us not being able to see Little One that I think I could do it for myself some day maybe. I dunno.

I do feel better spewing all of these thoughts out here. So woo for that.

Let's pretend to be famous!

Proust Survey from Vanity Fair Magazine:

What is your current state of mind?
Overstimulated and frazzled.

What is your greatest fear?
Being alone as an old lady and actually become an old lady scares me as well.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I care too much about things I cannot control. I'm also vain.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
The act of using ignorance as an excuse.

Which living person do you most admire?
Barack Obama.

Which living person do you most despise?
Those who can think only of themselves; they are probably the loneliest people on earth.

On what occasion do you lie?
To get out of going places.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Aside from bf, music. I feel there is a perfect song for every feeling and I love how that works.

When and where were you happiest?
I honestly do not I'm thinking I haven't reached that first high point in life?

Which talent would you most like to have?
I wish I could sing well.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
My worrying...if I could turn it off permanently it would do a lot of good.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Obtaining my Bachelor's Degree, Magna Cum Laude. Woo

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would it be?
A spoiled, well fed, house-cat.

What is your favorite occupation?
UN Goodwill Ambassador would be awesome.

Who are your favorite writers?
J.K. Rowling, L. Frank Baum, Emily Dickinson

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Harry Potter of course.

Who are your heroes in real life?
My parents, my friends who have stayed true to themselves.

What are your favorite names?
Emma, Verlane, Aurin
Spence, Nickolaus, Tobias

What is your greatest regret?
That I have taken things and people for granted.

How would you like to die?
Unexpectedly...I don't really want to see it coming.

What is your motto?
Life goes on? I don't really know...

Inside the Actor's Studio Questions:

What is your favorite word?
Seriously. It can be used in a wide range of ways.

What is your least favorite word?
Moist. I just don't like it.

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Sarcasm and wit, people speaking passionately about things.

What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Racist, sexist or homophobic language.

What sound or noise do you love?
Kiddo and Little One laughing, rain storms

What sound or noise do you hate?
People I thought I respected using derogatory words

What is your favorite curse word?

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
University Professor.

What profession would you not like to do?
Medical Surgeon...too much pressure.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
I told you I existed!! But come on in anyways :)

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I love lists.

Things to accomplish in the next week:
1. Attempt to enjoying cooking/baking for Turkey Day
2. Possibly get keys to new place from new Landlord
3. Pack and move as much as possible on days off
4. Drive to far away small town to take care of some financial business with Bf
5. Enjoy the company of our families, no matter how different the experiences will be
6. Try and not feel like a failure/have a mini-crisis due to amount of time it is taking to finish Master's Project work

Things I'm looking forward to in the next month:
1. Moving into our new place
2. Painting the bedroom for Kiddo and Little One at the new place and possibly furnishing it with new pretty things
3. Buying normal sized pre-lit Christmas tree and decorating with Kiddo
4. the possibility of a proposal at any moment
5. apartment warming/bad Christmas sweater party that is TBA but totally happening
6. Seeing my brother
7. having more time off of work
8. Getting back into a healthy lifestyle.
9. Buying Christmas presents

Things I want for Christmas:
1. World Peace (totally for serious, I think war is pointless and dumb)
2. Someone to do all my moving for me. I am so excited to move, but the actual moving of things will not be fun.
3. Kiddo's mom to have a lobotomy and not be a crazy beeotch anymore (okay okay that is a bit extreme, but I wish she could at least get on some paxil or prozac or something)
4. A visit with Little One for Bf would be awesome, but there is little to no chance that will happen.

Places I would love to be right now: (just for fun)
1. On the beach in Hawaii
2. In a big snuggly bed with Bf with loads of movies at our finger tips
3. On a couch, in front of a lit fire place reading a great book
4. Having a late lunch with my bff talking about her/our wedding plans
5. Driving a new (to me at least, not brand new) VW Rabbit with a Manual Trans., and fully loaded accessories

Monday, November 24, 2008


(note: Kiddo= bf's oldest child, Litte One=bf's youngest child, bf=boyfriend, duh!)

What a weekend. I was in crap mood Friday to early Saturday morning...and I was worried I couldn't shake it, but once we got to Kiddo's basketball game around 9:30 things were looking better. I really do love the kid...she is such a good one. Once we got to bf's 'rents I got to play with bf's nephew. He is by far, the happiest baby I have ever met. He actually makes the thought of having a baby of my own something I wouldn't mind doing, but I constantly remind myself of two things: they aren't all this great and they don't stay little forever....although I used to despise kids Kiddo's age before I met bf...but now I pretty much adore her....

So after OSU beats Michigan, bf's 'rents decide to put the Christmas tree up and let the grandkids go to town. They really did a good job, with some help putting things up higher. It was just a great day all around.

bf and I stayed in the guest house behind his 'rents house...and discovered a trunk of old pictures. There were a bunch from bf's childhood as well as from right after Kiddo was born, which I had never seen. Although there was a certain person in most of them (her mom obviously) I didn't even care. He made a big deal about it...apologizing for me having to see them together in pictures, which was cute, but at the same time, I think he STILL hasn't realized how much I am unlike any girl from his past. So that was a fun walk down memory lane for him and pretty entertaining for me as well, to see a lot of pictures from when he was little.

Sunday was a 180 turn from the awesomeness of Saturday. Bf woke up with a sore/swollen throat, which freaked me out because I first thought: allergic reaction, what if he can't breathe? Once we ruled that out because he didn't eat anything weird the day before, his sister (she's a medical assistant) took a look at it and said it was probably just the beginnings of an infection and we decided it would be best to find an Urgent Care and get a Rx to clear it up asap.

First thought for bf was to call Kiddo's mom to arrange dropping her off earlier than previously planned. He didn't like having to cut his weekend short with Kiddo, but he was willing to give up the time to keep her from being sick so it seemed like the logical answer to us. She, however, did not agree and railed on him about how he needs to be a parent and said things like "what do you think I do when I'm sick?" When he told me she said that, all I could think is, um, you call your parents (side note: Kiddo spends AT LEAST two nights a week, every week, with her maternal grandparents, not that she shouldn't spend time with them, but she doesn't even see her dad that often) or us so you don't get your kid sick.

So bf says, okay, no big deal, Kiddo can hang at his 'rents for a couple hours, we'll run to an Urgent Care and then be back. Well, after this is decided, Kiddo's mom calls back saying "you need to take care of yourself, drop her off now, I'm taking her to Chuck E. Cheese". This is a reoccurring pattern with Kiddo's mom. If bf has a logical answer to a problem, she yells at him saying its wrong, stupid and that she won't do it, hangs up on him and then calls back 10 minutes later basically claiming the idea as her own. Everything has to be on her terms or she wants nothing to do with it.

Something must have clicked inside bf because he calmly refused Kiddo's mom's new plan saying we had already worked it out and Kiddo will come home at the previously arranged time. In the past, he would have just gone along with whatever she said to avoid more fighting but I think he's finally had enough. So, insanity ensues with mass amounts of calls and hang ups to bf's cell phone, and then she starts calling bf's 'rents land line, threatening to call for a police escort to come get Kiddo right now. She was screaming at him so loud, I could hear entire words across the room, without her being on speaker phone, over top the kids making noise and the TV.

So long story short, (I know TOO LATE, right?) we leave for Urgent Care and right after bf goes back to see a doctor, his mom calls to let us know Kiddo has been picked up by her mom. She said Kiddo's mom gave an awesome crying performance which halted abruptly when she got in her car outside. This was after after she tried to basically drag Kiddo out the front door without her coat on and without Kiddo getting to say a proper goodbye to her paternal grandparents because she was in such a hurry. That's GREAT parenting. This is the same woman who earlier told bf to tell Kiddo she is grounded if she didn't talk to her right then on the phone (Kiddo was upset because she thought she had to go home a lot earlier than originally planned and was crying and didn't want to talk on the phone).

After I tell bf I talked to his mom, he concludes we are going to have to go to court once Little One's court stuff is finalized to get a better plan in place. Right now, Kiddo's mom gets court ordered support for her, but the visitation schedule is not court ordered because they agreed to both be flexible. Obviously that is not the case anymore.

It just really busts my balls how a woman can do this to her child out of spite and hatred for an ex. ESPECIALLY when this woman is engaged to be married to another man with whom she lives and has a 12 month old. Its effing ridiculous.

So overall, I am quite proud of bf for standing his ground, but obviously that doesn't do any good. I just hope Kiddo is okay...she deals with way more emotionally than any 6 year old should ever have to and since her mother obviously can't see the damage she is doing, some female in her life needs to take notice and worry, and it looks like that female is me.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

It is time.

So now is the time I proclaim via this blog what I have been thinking about over the past month: I need to make some serious lifestyle changes once again.

One year ago, two weeks from today, I started a popular weight loss plan and by April of 2008, I lost a total of 30 pounds. It wasn't an easy task for me given my hereditary, crap-metabolism and overall ideal of my body image. It was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. However, I had never felt better about myself than while I was following the plan and I'm sure it was the healthiest I had ever been. I had more energy, I slept better and most importantly, my mood was awesome a majority of time. Somewhere along the line I began to slip...and teeter...and then, just as summer hit, I completely fell off the proverbial healthy wagon. I now find myself eating fast food way too often, being a lazy mofo who never exercises, I'm constantly tired and have a hell of time getting up in the mornings and I can see a huge difference in my attitude, mood and stress level. I know I haven't gained back all of the 30 pounds lost, but it is not just about that anymore; its much more than the number of pounds at this point, its about my mental and physical health.

I am really disappointed in myself for letting this happen, but two weeks from today I start a new chapter: I'm starting over with the healthy lifestyle and hopefully a better outlook on life by rejoining my weight loss plan.

There, I've gone and said it.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Need to organize....

...before my head explodes. Quick lil list of happenings and need-to-happen's:

1. Signed lease monday, get keys by Dec. 1st (possibly sooner), pay first month's rent and deposit by 1st to new landlord, pay pro-rated rent for Dec. to current landlord.
2. Sign paperwork/put in mail for car insurance/renter's insurance.
3. Call Father to arrange time to meet at title office to sign car over to me.
4. Drive to Kent State and back Thursday for work.
5. Attempt to finish data entry/begin to write project paper ASAP.
6. breathe.
7. Make sure all the bills are paid and we still have money to function on.
8. Call utilities and make sure they get turned off at current place on 13th/turned on in my name on the 1st at new place (or sooner, if we get in there sooner)
9. Not lose mind/have nervous breakdown.
10. Cancel cable until we move and re-establish account in BF's name so we can get a good deal.
11. Try and not wig out...because I know it won't help anything.....

Friday, November 14, 2008

Its November 14, 2008...what are you doing with your life?

Holy moley I am busy as crap right now. Lots of things going on all at once.

I had been calling about a ridiculously large, awesome priced apartment in town and finally got a call back from the guy. We went to look on Wednesday evening and I completely fell in love. It has two bedrooms, huge kitchen with a counter/bar area and dining area, big bathroom and the whole place is 1300 sq. ft if that gives you an idea of the size. The landlord told us its very quiet and extremely well insulated and the girl who is moving out heated the whole place every winter for four years with two ceramic heaters. We went ahead and filled out an application, and are waiting to hear back. I'll probably cry a little if for some reason it doesn't work out.

We also set up an appointment to look at this awesome completely renovated house that is for sale/possible lease with the option to buy, but it is way expensive and the guy didn't sound like he wants to lease at all (which is dumb since in the listing it says "call about possible lease option"). We are still going to go drool over it this evening.

I've been so busy at work this week. Its been a bit unreal but actually awesome. I wish I was that busy all the time.

The Master's Project needs to get finished ASAP, and I've been pushing to work on it a bit each day. I'm thinking about doing a long day in the labs tomorrow to try and punch out the rest of the data entry so I can actually start analyzing.

Boyfriend received a certain credit card in the mail last Friday for a certain jewelry store which I hope he uses soon :D

The more I think about wedding stuff, the more I want to streamline the whole thing and make it as simple as possible. Mostly because I feel a little sick to my stomach whenever I think about the nitty gritty detailing of most weddings. And I know this isn't going to go over well, but the more I think about it, the more I don't want a huge bridal party. I really just want MOH and sister and him to just do BM and one groomsmen but I doubt that will work since he has two brothers and wouldn't want to have to pick between sister can be escorted by both his brothers and then just his BM! That just might work. I don't think he cares that much, but I guess we'll see.

argh...I've had shitty girl cramps for about 4 days off and on this week. Its a bit annoying. Ah well, life goes on.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


I have not felt pride for my country in a very long time. I've felt disappointment, anger, sadness, disbelief and a slew of other negative feelings over the past 8 years. I even felt ashamed on certain occasions, but last night, I have never been more proud to have been born and raised in Suburban Ohio in this great nation. For once, the country has learned from her mistakes and done something about it. For once, we have shown the world we are as equal as we say we are. For the first time in years, I am actually optimistic that this country will become known once again for the great things she does opposed to the heinous and that we will lead by example to bring real change all over the globe.

So, twenty years from now, when asked where I was the night the first African-American, Senator Barack Obama, became president, I will vividly remember the feeling of sitting on my couch, drinking a beer and feeling elation about the state of my country. Mostly because this is the first time that has ever happened but also because I am SO proud to be an American for the first time in my adult life.

This was a victory for so many people....not only African Americans, but women too. With a VP candidate like Sarah Palin, I was pretty freaked out about the possibility of her making it to the White House, and then, being second in command behind an old guy (okay, I'll admit it, she scared me more than a politician ever has). The woman actually makes rape victims pay for their rape kits in Alaska and wants to make abortion illegal, even if the incident producing the child was incest and/or the victim was raped. She donated volunteer pilots so Alaskans could aerial hunt wolves and then, rewarded them with some ridiculous amount of money (I read 18,000...but I this isn't confirmed) for every fresh left leg from the animal they brought in. That is what Governor Palin is doing with Alaska's money? Can you imagine what would have happened if she made it to the White House? Thankfully, we don't even have to think about the possibilities anymore.

The middle class also had a major victory. Barack Obama spoke to us and we listened. He wants to provide tax cuts to the middle class (news flash: THATS THE MAJORITY OF AMERICAN CITIZENS!) and tax the wealthiest 5% who have been receiving breaks for the past 8 years from the Bush Administration. That speaks for itself.

I'm excited about the future of this country. We did it! Change is inevitable, and now since we have the right leadership, the right changes can be made.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Credit needs to be given

Saturday, while we needed a time waster for his car to get an oil change, we went to look at rings. At first he said, "no, I don't want to look until I save up some money" but then I pointed out he doesn't even know how much money he needs to save and he couldn't argue. Plus I reminded him it is only looking and nothing will be bought because I do not want to be with him when he picks it out.

So I picked three. One of which he actually found in the jewelry case and I really liked. Now he will pick one (hopefully not by price, but by how much he thinks I will like it) and it is all up to him as to when.

He couldn't have made up for what happened last week any better.


Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I pick my battles...

So lovely bf (of almost three years) basically told me his band is more important than our wedding date....this is the man who wants to buy a house with me...who lets me help him pay his bills, and let me help him buy his car. And it may have been me misinterpreting things, but this is (basically) how it went:

me: "so I looked up OSU's schedule for next fall (yes, I am being kind enough to schedule around OSU football in order to have my wedding in the fall like I want) and they play New Mexico State on October 31 so I doubt it will be an 8pm game, so how do you feel about getting married on Halloween?"
him: "Halloween is a busy time for shows, and I don't want my anniversary that day because then I'll have to turn down shows because its my anniversary."
me: "The 31st isn't always going to be on a Saturday"
him: "well it will be once every seven years" (he said this being completely serious)
me: "so you'll have to turn down a show on Halloween once every seven what?"
him: *ROLLS HIS EYES AT ME* and goes on to say something like, it just shouldn't be on any holiday because people have family stuff........all I can think is....most of the people at the wedding are going to be FAMILY. Plus I've never, ever had a family tradition on halloween, or even known a family to have one.

At this point, I say something along the lines of...I don't want to talk about this anymore because it doesn't even matter because we aren't even engaged. Plus he hurt my feelings but I didn't want him to know that. So I get real quiet and fight the tears and try and not be mad, because if I get mad, he won't feel bad, he'll just be frustrated and mad as well. And I'm way more hurt than mad anyways.
So I get online and I delete my offbeat bride tribe account...and the subscription to the Knot website as well (I didn't use that one much overwhelmed me) and I am refusing to talk about it until there is a ring on my finger. I'm going to try my hardest not to think about it either. Then I volunteer to walk the movie we have out from the library back just to get away from him.

I will give him this: he works for a crappy company that is owned by really old, rich, republicans and they refuse to turn on the furnace until the end of November or something to save on money, and he spent the whole day freezing and said he felt like he was getting a cold. Plus a guy he works with, who had been there for 3 or 4 years got fired for financial reasons and that bummed everyone out. So I could have chose a better time when he was in a better mood to bring it up, but still....

If he brings up house buying again, I'm totally shutting him down on it. If we aren't in a financial place for him to be able to afford a ring, we have no business making such a huge investment. And just the fact that he doesn't seem to be making an effort to even go window shopping for them with me pisses me off. I've told him 4 or 5 times now, we need to go look and get an idea of price before anything else but I doubt he has ever heard me.

So I'm pretty sure he knows I'm upset. I cried a little when we went to bed and turned away from him and he rubbed my back without me asking (which he NEVER does).

I just wish he would hurry up and propose. I've definitely put in my time :)

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I have too much time on my hands.

Today at work I have:
-found every house in town in (what I think is) our price range for buying and made a tidy list including address, price and number of bedrooms/bathrooms.
-found (the more realistic option) a spacious 2 bedroom apartment closer to downtown for not much more than we are paying now. I'm going to call the guy tonight for serious, and ask him one determining question: does it have a bathtub?
-found two realistic locations for our wedding. No, we still aren't officially engaged, but we might as well be. I felt weird researching things at first, since there is no ring on my finger, but it is only a matter of time (and money) until it is and I don't want to spend ions of time planning, so I might as well know what I want early.
-updated my offbeat bride tribe profile.
-checked MySpace a zillion times.
-visited Facebook a few times as well.
- I have NOT however, done much significant work. Not that I am complaining...I'm just worried one of these days they are going to bust me doing very little and realize they are paying all this money for me to organize my life on their time.

Oh well. I'm thinking over time, things may get busier, but who knows.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

ick. ack. eck.

Do you ever have days where you are just off?

I imagine something is wrong in somewhere in world, or even the universe, and for some reason, its affecting me. I just feel bad, very unhappy and blue. I can't seem to talk myself out of it like usual. I know it will pass, but damn, it sure does make things annoying in the mean time.

Oh and it doesn't help that I am already stressing a smidgen about the wedding I haven't even been proposed for yet. That is probably the most of it. I'm getting impatient, and I can't start planning until he proposes and I honestly don't know when that will be.


Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Secrets, Secrets

I was killing some time today on and decided create my own little secret sharing blog for a couple reasons, mostly because I'm too lazy to create a post card to send to Frank Warren. So here are my secrets:

1. I have always said I never want kids. Suddenly I do and that freaks me out. A lot.
2. I don't think I will ever be happy with my body.
3. I lie when I say I'm not a jealous person.
4. I am sort of obsessed with my long time boyfriend's life before me, even though it included two crazy (ex)girlfriends and baby mama drama.
5. I worry about things to the point of making myself sick.
6. I am genuinely uncomfortable around elderly people, and because of this, I'm terrified of my parents growing old.
7. I sure I've found my soul mate, and if he thinks I'm not a little scared of getting married, he's very wrong.
8. I hope I am never confronted by her, because I've never been in a fist fight, and she would probably kick my ass, but I would go down swinging.
9. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up here....seriously.
10. I still want to take a trip to Europe all by myself, I just don't think it will ever happen.

So there are my dirty little secrets. If anyone reads this and wants to share, go for it.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Life as I know it.

The world is falling apart, literally due to global warming and figuratively due to wars and ignorance.  Our country is in its worst place economically than it has been in decades.  The leaders of our so called "great nation" don't give a shit about my twentysomething woes.  These include being barely able to pay my bills, put gas in my car and have one night at my friends having drinks.  All that matters to them is how much money they are making.

I have completely lost my direction in life beyond paying my bills and getting through each painfully long work day to come home, sit my ass on the couch for a few hours and then try and get some sleep.  But when I sleep, I dream of the things I think about all day, the future, finding a job etc to the point that I can't even get away from things when I'm asleep anymore.  I wake up exhausted.  Woe is fucking me.

I told myself a long time ago I would never feel this sorry for myself again.  I know it doesn't help anything.  It didn't help me back then and I know it won't help me now.  It is just very hard to be me lately.  I don't feel like myself.  Probably due to the whole "I have NO clue what to do with my life" thing.  But what do I know?  I have one pointless higher education degree and I'm pretty close to having another.  What I am supposed to do with them is a huge mystery to me.  It is almost as if something derailed me along the way and now I am stuck.  Oh thats not a tough one: I fell in love.

All my plans I had for after college were single, independent-me plans.  While I may still be independent, I haven't been single in well over two years.  I can not see myself spending the rest of my life with anyone else I just feel like there is so much more I need to do before the rest of my life starts, like figuring out exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I have never been very good at living in the moment.  I used to tell myself I could change this but its pretty apparent that isn't going to happen at this point.  I need to plan things.  It gives me control.  *le sigh......what is a girl to do when she is a planner without a plan?

Monday, June 2, 2008


Some people really just bust by balls, drive me up the wall.  These include, but are not limited to:

Girls that try too hard to be everything to everyone.  Its impossible so quit while you are ahead.

Girls who are complete drunken whores.  Have some goddamn self-respect.  Its one thing to drink and have a good time, its another to be known as the drunk and/or easy one.

Basically, girls who are any of the following: crazy, melodramatic, complete idiots when it comes to dealing with guys, uber bitches all the time for no reason and those who think they are god's gift to the human race.  Get over yourself and realize no one is perfect, not even you with your orange-glo tan, ridiculously overpriced handbag w/matching wallet and designer sunglasses.  There is more to life than material possessions, they do not make you who you are, unless, I suppose you are shallow and vain.

People that are friends with you when its convenient for them.  Also known as people who call you up to tell you every detail of their relationship/life happenings but when you try and talk, they immediately zone out and then revert to talking incessantly about themselves.  I've had so many of these in the past two years....those who I still talk to on a pretty regular basis are the good people in my life, the rest of your I could have done without.

People (mostly seen done by girls...see a pattern forming?) who are sooooooo happy with their lives they can't help but tell you by updating their myspace/facebook/AIM status 20 times a day saying how much they love their life.  If you love it so much, let it show, don't blatantly tell people....unless that's what it takes to convince yourself your so fucking happy (?)

Christians who refuse to even acknowledge other spiritual preferences as equal to theirs.  Fucking elitists.

Bad drivers.  Go back to drivers education classes.

Sometimes a girl just needs an old-fashioned bitchfest blog.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Change....or not.

The idea of change is complex when you really start thinking about it. Its something that some people fear, some people embrace, and even some people seek out in life.  I used to say I loved changes, something about the mystery of the unknown gave me this rush unlike anything else.  Then I experienced some changes that weren't so fun...heartbreak, people dying that I actually knew and loved, friendships fading and all the other realities you can't really learn about being a major part of adulthood until you are living it.

Now, there have been some positive changes I've experienced too. They have helped to make me a much better person inside and out. Most of these are changes I made happen. They weren't easy by any means, and sometimes I wonder what if I never would have decided to change in the first place. Where would I be....and more importantly who would I be? Most likely a different person than the one typing this.

I've never consciously decided to not change something I had good reason to; something which would better me as a person (besides the whole nicotine addiction; thats a whole other story though) and it seems as though I've encountered someone convinced they cannot change; even though it would better them, due to past experiences. I think this is complete bullshit.  

I'm a firm believer that if you want to change you can.  You decide how and who you are in life. No one matter how shitty someone treated you or how bad it scarred you. I've been treated pretty shitty by a number of people (I could probably count them on both hands, but still) but I am still the best person I can be, at least in my opinion, but I suppose that is a bit biased.  

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

So it goes.

I had an epiphany driving home tonight. Let's back up; I was talking to the significant other about how complicated life has become. Things never seemed to be this confusing and everything used to be so black and white. Now it appears to me, there are a lot of different shades of grey and nothing is very simple. Maybe this explains excitement over the little things ie: a cheap utility bill, getting gas for cheaper in the AM before it goes up in the PM the very same day etc...

The more complicated one's life becomes, the more excited small doses of happiness can make them. (side note: when it all boils down, it depends on your disposition if you are going to let the small stuff matter or not) This makes sense to me...when your stress level is keeping you up at night, you'll take anything you can get to be happy about.

I feel as if I am a gerbil running on its spinning wheel and I can't get off.  I want to, I'm tired of running but the damn thing is going so fast.  Momentum is all that is keeping me going.
Man, I'm tired.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Here we are.

There comes a moment when you really realize you are getting older. Its always something relatively mundane that shouldn't excite you, but for some reason it does. For example, the natural gas company bill came, and it was only $100. I am 23 years old and this was the high point of my Tuesday.  As soon as the elation subsided, I laughed to myself about it, but that's when it hit me: Here we are, twentysomethings and already excited about a reasonable utility payment. Its all downhill from here.