Monday, March 30, 2009


So I'm all over the online social networking world. Myspace, Facebook, Twitter...even a cool little Ning network called Offbeat Bride Tribe. This blog is my own little place...and I know very, very few people (probably just the one real-life friend who follows when she is uber bored) read this, but I don't really care. I'm not really doing this for anyone but myself.

Since all my friends keep up with the surface of what is going on with me via the networks listed above, I felt like I needed a little place to call my own....a place to really dive into the randomness and sometimes ridiculously angsty parts of me....also where people wouldn't, ____'s gone off the deep end again. I really enjoy rambling my thoughts here...again even if no one really reads it. It's the closest thing (besides reading) I have to a hobby these days. Plus I've stumbled across a handful of awesome blogs in the process...and when I do get a bit of feedback from my few and far between comments to them, I love it.

My point to all of this was focused on my Twitter this AM (I usually only update it in the morning and sometimes at night...unless something exciting happens, which usually doesn't happen.) It was something along the lines of, trying to only think positive thoughts today. Now, I can't say I completely succeeded, but I can say my attempt has left me with a very good mood.

I am so very thankful for what I have today. Including my random, not-at-all-popular blog.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


I feel like poo. Went to the doctor and peed in a cup for them to diagnose what I thought would be a UTI, but Doc comes back in and tells me it actually came back negative and as she is walking out of the door again tells me we'll treat it as a UTI and go from there...I stop her by saying, well what else could it be? She says, well, the test could be wrong and you really do have one, or we'll just wait and see. From the lady who's vag doesn't have a nagging burning sensation for the past week: we'll just wait and see. Fuck you lady. If it isn't better by Thursday, I'm calling my gyno and telling them the story and trying to get in ASAP.

I also haven't been sleeping well. I don't know if this is related at all, but it definitely doesn't help anything. I almost called off work today just because I want to sleep all day. Plus, my boss man is out all week and the few things I have to do this week could be completed in about 2 hours. I love my job, but when sicky, I'd rather be in bed.

I had a horrid wedding nightmare over the weekend. In it, Fiance's family told us we should have the wedding now, while we were at some random house for a weekend. I ended up in my sister's wedding dress, which was too big, doing my own hair and makeup (which for me, would be horrible, since I'm not great at those things), my parents couldn't make it because my dad fell down and got a concussion (?) and the kicker: When I demand to see Fiance before the alleged ceremony, because I wanted to tell him I don't want to do the wedding today, he has shaved his head, all facial hair (he usually rocks the goatee and a beard in the winter) and got his septum pierced. I begin crying at this point and then wake up, realizing it was nothing but a really bad dream. All the things sound really trival, but the feeling of no one listening to me/caring what I thought was the worst part of it. I haven't been thinking about the wedding much at all I guess this was my subconscious telling me I need to plan more?

I feel I have bitched and moaned enough for today....

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I should have called in Irish...

My friend who is having a party today/tonight wanted me to tell my work its a cultural holiday for me. Since I'm not a religous person AND I work with three men who happen to be Muslim so they take all the religious holidays, I actually thought about trying to bow out early. Even if I get most Christian holidays....buuuut, Fiance and I are going to a NHL hockey game tomorrow night, so I might have to try and play that card then. Who knows. If I would have planned better, I would have called in sick today and at least gotten to get swasted during the day...even if I have to work tomorrow (I have to give two tests and would probably get reprimanded for not coming in).

I began my day by attempting to rip off my plastic-as-hell bumper on a concrete parking block at work. Then I furthered the excitement of the day by leaving my cell in Fiance's car (he came to McGuyver that shit for me, once we ran to the store for zip ties) thus cutting me off completely to the world, besides the interweb. If the network goes down, I may cease to exist.

Isn't it funny how we have come to validate our lives through internet networking sites and text messaging. We are in almost constant contact with people, or if nothing more, a phone call away. It feels funny to not have my phone, even though it rarely rings between 8 and 5 weekdays.

Sláinte and drive safe, whatever you do tonight...

Monday, March 16, 2009


I have a case of them. Working two Saturdays in a row blows. It wouldn't be so hard if I didn't work 8 to 5 every day the week before. Can't wait to sleep in this coming weekend.

All I shall say about the previous post: I couldn't be more right about how this wedding business is the problem, not our relationship. The marriage part isn't making us argue, just the day we make it official. He actually brought up talking to his mom about all the things we need to talk to her about when he goes to lunch with her today. And I have "let go" of the fellas attire. I told him it is all up to him, because I trust him and I'm not going to worry about it anymore.
We are good...never perfect, but hey who is?

I def. ate my feelings Saturday and Sunday though...drank some of them Saturday night as well. Why can't I be one of those people who get sick to the stomachs and can't eat when they are stressed? If it was purely a relationship arguement, I wouldn't want to eat, but just run of the mill stress over the wedding and money, that causes me to binge.

I suck at being healthy...I'm always just a Big Mac away from cracking. Oh well. You only live once, right? Although probably not nearly as long eating Taco Bell and pizza...

Saturday, March 14, 2009


(editor's note: I had typed about my few short relationships before Fiance, but decided they don't even matter, cause it's in the past)

fast-forward to 2005.  I was bored with the single life.  Dating a bunch of guys since the break up who I knew were no good for me led me to a particularly bad guy which made me hang up the reins for a while.  Then along comes Fiance.

Things have been so different with us.  We took things so slow in the beginning I can't believe I had the patience for it....all I could tell my friends was, "its so different with him than how it was with anyone else" blah blah blah.  We didn't see each other much so we appreciated the time together so much more.  All his baby related drama has never really been an issue for me, I want him including all the stuff that entails him.

So, my point I have finally arrived at...if our relationship was so different in the great and shiny and we never fought about anything and all that come we have fallen into the same problems all relationships have?  Okay, wait, I know the answer to that...its normal, thats what happens, but I have to point out, things were better before we were officially engaged.  Its this fucking wedding.  Not the fact that we are getting married.  The whole lifetime together part of the bargain doesn't cause us any strife, its August 29 that is causing all the problems.

Ever since we got engaged things have sort of gone to shit in my eyes.  Not the fundamentals of our relationship...we love each other and are going to be together and that is the bottom line, but all of the sudden, the way we talk to each other has mutated into something I don't like.  I don't feel like he knows me at all we have the same argument and he can't just take me at face value and realize I'm flawed and not tell me to stop worrying and be sort of stand offish about it, but hug me and tell me its okay.  Oh and that NOT fighting a lot in the beginning is biting us in ass because we aren't seasoned in it yet....I'm not used to it and most of the time, it just makes me cry....more because I'm angry than sad, but sometimes its both.

He (STILL) doesn't seem to get how all the stupid fucking wedding related stuff is all on me.  I haven't done anything for it in two weeks, including talking about it and he jumped all over me about wanting to go to the tux place just to get prices.  And he acts like a fucking 5 year old kid "well how long is it going to take" and sighs and acts like I'm making him go with me to a book club meeting full of women who all happen to be on their periods (I'm not even in a book club, and if I was, he wouldn't be invited, but you get what I'm saying.)

I let it go today.  Whatever the men are wearing that is.  I told him I done with it, and he can figure it out himself since he made it clear he wants a say in what he wears early, but now when I want to get it taken care of when we have nothing else going on, he gets his panties in a bunch about it.

We should have fucking eloped.

I hate wedding planning.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

It's 2009: What are you doing with your life?

I submitted a rambling piece of writing to a blog which is addressing how the current state of our economy (for lack of better words) sucking is effecting them. (side note: you should check it out, people from all over the country are writing in with all kinds of different stories...mine is the only Ohio one to date...and probably the one with the worst grammar) Ever since then, I've been thinking about my life as a whole and wondering how such an insanely interesting person as myself (ha) got stuck behind a desk, working 40 hours a week at a mostly boring, sometimes frustrating job.

What do I really want to do with my life? Or at least if I do end up working in higher education for the next 30 years (def not at the institution I'm at now...holy jesus, I'd lose my mind), can't at least have awesome hobbies to counteract my seemingly normal day job? Please??

Asking myself these questions makes me realize I'm a grown up now and I decide my hobbies and what I do with my time when I'm not working hard for the money.

I tend to dream more than I do...I want to do a yoga class at this studio that is literally 3 doors down from where I live, but I still haven't signed up. I would love to take an art or pottery class, even though I'm thoroughly un-artistic, but I love to learn an am willing to try. I need to get a kitty in my life before I end up thinking I want to have a baby some day and then having one and remembering all the reasons I have ALWAYS been against reproducing (mostly the whole being in charge of shaping a person's pysche freaks me out....along with my chubby and horrible eyesight genes cursing the poor thing with a childhood filled with hurtful words from little snot-nosed bastards...I've come a long way, but still carry those scars).

I consider myself assertive....but it seems like things that I want to do for myself always fall to the wayside but don't get the wrong idea thinking I'm some martyr. As soon as I get the least bit stressed due to trying to make everyone else happy, I crack and usually get mean and bitchy when I realize I'm unhappy.

I guess the bottom line here is I need to get a life. Sure I have friends, teeny-bopper book series (don't get my started on the Twilight series, I may never shut up) and my slowly growing addiction to cyber-space, but I think I need to start living my Ohio life a little bit more for me.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Negative Nancy

I was not in a happy place when I woke up today...and it has taken me until now to pep-talk myself out of it.

I sometimes wonder if I need to go talk to someone about all of this anxiety I have. Is medication the answer? I really don't know. I always thought of things this way: everyone has their issues, and it all depends on how you deal and I work to deal with mine every day. Some days go better than others, but lately there have been a lot of angsty, sad and worried days. Maybe its the nupitals, maybe its the fact that I'm finally out of school and going to be 25 this year and don't really like my job. Or maybe its all of this. Or none of it.

Whatever it is, I am exhausted from dealing with said issues. I have all these constant worries that I can't get out of my head. Ranging from money, to health, to relationships to family...just about every aspect of my life. Mostly they are things I cannot control....or that I try to control and fail miserably.

Maybe I need a happy pill. Maybe I need a drink, but whatever the case is, I need something I'm not getting to help me not be such a cranky bitch so often.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Crafty time.

Thank goodness I have people who love me enough to help!
The two types of centerpieces:
They will each have three tea lights around them as well....estimated total cost for materials to make 7 of each: $50

My bouquet:

I'm very proud to share I found these little wreaths at Micheals that we took apart and are the orange and green and brown stick thingies...I may not be able to assemble things, but I had a vision and my sister's friend executed it for me.
The girls bouquets all look like this:

They have gold sparkly swirly things sticking out of them, just hard to see in pictures. Estimated total cost of bouquets, man-flowers and corsages for moms and the two g-mas: $50

I purchased the after-wedding vacation airfare yesterday. Two people flying from Ohio to Orlando, nonstops both ways: $354.40. Thank you Airtran. Oh and we don't have to sit by strangers. It was $24 extra dollars, but I think it was very well spent...and I get the window cause Fiance doesn't care, woo!
I revised the ceremony wording a bit and outlined the processional and recessional as well as made a rough outline for the reception. I think I may have the most organized DIY wedding ever. Thank you slight OCD tendencies. The ceremony still isn't perfect, but I'm going to show it to Fiance soon and see what he thinks.

I'm actually getting things done, woo-hoo.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


I think I might have the half bottle of wine in my fridge for dinner tonight.

I can't seem to EVER feel like I have control over our finances. All I do is worry about all the different payments...even though we ALWAYS pay everything on time and even have a bit left over sometimes. Which that will probably change with my $363 a month loan payment beginning next month.

I just don't want this constant state of worry anymore. I have an unconventional wedding to worry about...that is enough for one chica.

I wish I had some cash...I'd buy a lotto ticket on the way home if I did.

Monday, March 2, 2009


Ohio is known for its insane weather and it is living up to its reputation lately. So warm and nice for two days last week and now its frigid again but supposed to be 60 degrees by Friday. If I don't get pneumonia I might get to enjoy the warm days this week.
All that crap about the cold being more annoying as you get older is so true as well. It makes my knees ache. Probably not a good sign at 24 to have achy joints. Its like I'm 24 going on 65. Everytime I talk about the weather I can't help but remember one of my professors telling me how she thinks it is a midwestern thing. She lived in the Southwest for a long while and it was one of the first things she noticed when she came to Ohio...just a regional difference she observed.
They probably don't talk about it because the weather doesn't vary too much in the Southwest, so there isn't much to discuss. Or because we're all farmers in the midwest so we care about the weather more. Riiiiiight.

Unrelatedness: Today when I woke up I was having a dream about the wedding invites. I was freaking out because they were white, and like most other things related to the wedding, I'm subbing ivory for white....I'm working with earthy, warm colors and white just doesn't fit into that for me.

The most annoying thing about these random wedding -related dreams is I have them about things I've already taken care of. We have all the materials for the invites. My sister gave me 50 blank ivory with response cards left over from hers and then she found the ones we liked from Target on clearance for $12.50 and bought them for me and then refused to let me pay her back. Since Fiance is a graphic designer, he's going to create something for the blank ones and format the designed already ones and they are taken care of.

I can not seem to fully wake today. I've had the coffee but I still feel like a cranky kindergartener ready for nap time...where's my blankie, I need to go night-night.