Friday, July 15, 2011

Scenic Route.

I'm standing close to a huge intersection in my life. And while I know either road will take me to the next adventure (my new job) the two routes are so very different.

There is the anxiety ridden route. It looks like a gigantic city with one-ways and stop lights and dark clouds. And my GPS is broke.

Then there is the slightly curvy, partly-sunny country back road. This way looks so much more appealing. I want to choose this path, but I'm worried my mind will steer me towards the other.


I have been striving (and mostly succeeding) in living a happier life since we moved. One where I stop worrying about things I cannot control as soon as the thought crosses my mind; where I truly soak in moments and am fully present in them instead of halfway thinking about tomorrow's troubles like I used to spend all of my time doing.

I keep busy. If I'm not busy I go for a walk. I'm not killing myself working out nor beating myself up about it when I don't exercise like I told myself I should be. I'm only human. I am mindful of what I put in my body.

I'm trying to be happy with what I have, instead of constantly focusing on what I want. Do I need these things? That always cuts the list in half.

I dream again; day dream of things I want to do and places and I want to go. I use this lovely site called Pinterest to organize these dreams. Even if I don't get to them all, it is great to have hopes again.


I want to be great at my new job, not just good. I spent the last 3 years stagnant in a job I tolerated for a paycheck. This is my chance to do some interesting and something I might actually enjoy doing every day to boot.

I am choosing the sunny road, not the complicated city streets shrouded in black clouds. I am choosing to be happy, mindful and (sometimes stupidly, but oh well)optimistic.

I'm taking the scenic route on this one, and I'm going to enjoy the ride.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Note to self.

Remember this.

The feeling.

The absolutely ecstatic rush of finally getting something you've wanted very badly for a very long time.

I've been offered a fantastic new job. And I've accepted it. And tomorrow when my boss (hopefully) isn't out sick anymore I will be handing in my letter of resignation.

I haven't felt this excited/scared/happy/anxious in a really long time.


Thursday, June 16, 2011

I think I just threw up a little.

*Warning* The following is sickeningly sweet. You may not want to proceed.

Dear Husband,

I never knew I could love you more. I remember on our wedding day (and most of the following week we spent in Florida) thinking I've never loved anyone like this, nor this much. There can't possibly be any way it gets better than this. Not in a "this is as good as it gets, its all downhill from here" way but in an "I've never been this happy in my life, this is awesome" way.

But here we are, in year two, and it feels like that first week again, but somehow, even better.

And we still take fabulously awkward pictures together, and I love them even more too:

seriously...whatcha doin' here?

I promise we are not on some mind altering drug, just on the way to Oktoberfest last fall

You are my favorite. Ever.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Call me the Queen of Suburbia.

The exodus from Apartamento to the Suburban Castle (our new humble abode) went smashingly well. We have some amazing friends in our lives for helping us on one of the hottest days of the year so far. There were some hiccups, but I was Zen like all day. I know, shocking, right?

Two weeks in and we are getting the hang of the space. I'm still wrapping my head around the amount of storage space we now have. There are about 5 boxes in the living room that still need unpacked, so bare with me, but we have gone from this:

To this:

Another angle:

The tree tapestry seen in the last photo is the coat closet; this place is full of craptastic old closet doors, which now live in the garage. We also took off the ones in the master bedroom and the girls' room. Here is a peek at their room (as of Sunday):

I sort of want to hang a curtain of some sort on their closet...but I'm not sure? There is a lot of storage/toys going on in there, so I feel like it would be nice to close the curtain at bedtime. I have a cute black and white floral cloth shower curtain I'm not using right now, so I might pick up another tension rod and try it? Not sure at this point about that. Also, I am secretly ecstatic that I got to hang up the teen magazine posters in an orderly fashion; you should have seen them at the apartamento. It was chaos.

from the door:

I plan on getting two more sets of curtains to frame out the pink sheers, something purple I do believe. I think it will cozy it up a bit. We also want to get some of those over sized letters for the girls' to decorate and hang over their beds. I saw some cardboard ones at Hobby Lobby a while back, which I think is perfect, because if it does fall off the wall, it won't hurt them.

I have these on order from Amazon, for a project for the bedroom (more to come later). IKEA will also be getting a good chunk of my monies soon.

Since I love a good list, here is a run down of everything we still need to do/get:

Living Room
Curtains (IKEA sheers, for starters)
DVD Storage (Lerberg from IKEA x3 or 4)
Closet doors off; tree tapestry turns into curtain w/tension rod and clips
Switch out ginormous ceiling fan? Perhaps!

Island (buy or re-purpose something else)
Chalkboard Wall
Girls' Art Gallery-need to ID drawings for this and get sizes for frames (IKEA)

Laundry/Utility Room
Steel Shelving to create pantry storage
Hang curtain to hide furnace/Hot Water Heater (IKEA again)
Organizing bins for cabinets over washer/dryer

Hang Framed photos (size each with paper ads, hang papers on wall in pattern, nail through and hang up pictures)

Get 1 small and 1 large rug for main bath, brown
existing large green one goes in half bath
Something for walls-one picture has been printed, just need a frame and I'm thinking of shopping what we already have for the half bath.

Girls' room
Hang up collage wall near Kiddo's bed
Organize toy bins/put in closet/take off closet doors to maximize floorspace
(still need purples, IKEA?)
Big Letters for over their beds
Spice racks as front facing bookshelves from, you guessed it, IKEA
DIY Canopies (maybe)

Long and low dresser 6-8 drawers, I want to find old one and re-paint and get new hardware for
Bedskirt/new bedding
DIY project with Wallflowers-ordered
Prints off Etsy (frames IKEA, do you see a pattern here?)
Different curtains-eventually

I have yet to unpack my books and get the Expedit 100% organized, so that is on the agenda for tonight.

I love how this place is evolving and I can't wait to see what it will become by the end of the Summer. The husband and I keep saying this place makes us feel like grown ups; I feel like it is exactly where we need to be right now. We have the opportunity to acquire all the crap we need for a house, without having to worry about the upkeep on things. I think by the time our lease is up (in two years) we might actually be able to look into buying. Or not, but that is okay too.

The other day my sister says, "what's with all the talk of "projects"? When did you become so crafty?" I've been reading on the interwebs about all this stuff basically since I got married in 2009, now I have a blank slate to execute on, and I'm so excited. And you know what? I just can't hide it.

Friday, May 20, 2011


Dear Apartamento:

I have never missed anyplace I have called home (excluding fleeting moments of missing my hometown/parents place) and I've called A LOT of places home in the past seven years. I am going to truly miss you, in all your hippie village glory.

Your walls are where the husband and I got engaged and planned our DIY wedding. You have hosted the hubsfamily Christmas 3 years running, and had countless gatherings of friends and family, both big and small throughout our stay. Every twice annual Street Fair that takes place in town brought us lots of visitors, plus I always got out on the streets early to avoid the crowds.

Your open concept layout has been amazing. I will probably miss that the most; being able to make dinner/do anything in the kitchen but still be engaged in whatever is going on in the living room.

But our time is up, my knees are achy from climbing those 21 steps of death every morning and night and to all good things must come an end. We need a yard for the girls, and less steps for the clumsy (ie: me).

(Plus we are gaining: an entire other toilet, a garage, yard and storage room)

Thank you for the memories, for being so well insulated (we never turned our furnace on through 3 Ohio Winters; our Vectren Gas bill was never over $20.) and hosting our lives for the past 3 years. I'll miss you.

Mrs. Melberry

Friday, May 13, 2011

Anytown, Ohio.

Caught this on my way through a downtown the yesterday.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

(Browser)Window Shopping.

I've had an epiphany: Craigslist is like a cyberspace thrift store. I love thrift stores, therefore I love Craigslist. I spend many more hours than I'd like to admit browsing its pages, imagining random pieces of furniture in my (soon-to-be) ranch style duplex-condo-apartment-half house type of dealy.

I love me a good Craigslist browse.

Then I remember, we have no extra monies because of the impending move into said ranch style duplex-condo-apartment-half-house type dealy.

Sad face.

I really need to stop imagining where furniture will go in the new place. If I have learned anything in almost two years of marriage, its to stop having expectations, you won't be let down when things don't go as you imagined and reality can be better sometimes.

But it is so very hard.

I am so very excited about the new place. With its storage and multiple toilets and washer dryer hookups. Do you know what this means?! It means no more brand new tops shrunk in the dryer when my laundry doing husband forgets isn't told to leave something out. So Exciting.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Gone Fishing.

For real. We went fishing Sunday for a few hours. I caught one tiny guy. And this gorgeous view:

Yeah, I have a pink and purple fishing pole.

Friday, May 6, 2011

This Step-Mom's take.

Unless you live under a rock, you know Sunday is Mother's Day.

It's a weird day for me, being a part-time-parental-unit-type-person that I am.

My mother, being the amazing woman that she is, always gives me a card and a little something, because she knows all the motherly type things I do for the girls. On the flip side, my husband, sometimes dense but oh so lovable husband, doesn't do squat. I'm okay with both these things.

I am not a mother. I'm the wife of a father.

Sometimes I do get the inkling I know what it feels like to be "mom". Those moments when Little One sits on my lap and absentmindedly holds my hand and sort of pets it, or when the Kiddo says something so poignant and wise beyond her years. My heart swells for a moment and I think, thank you, who ever/what ever/the universe for bringing these girls to me.

But, alas, those moments are fleeting; I'm snapped right back into place with exchanges such as this one, last weekend in the car:

Little One: "Daddy I need a drink of water please."

(Husband was driving, so I grabbed the bottle of water and handed it back to her)

Little One: (not missing a beat) "Uhh, I asked my Daddy for some water, not you."

Step-Mom Me: "Well, Little One, (I actually busted out her full name, which neither of us exactly like in the first place so we usually call her by a shortened version the husband came up with shortly after her birth) Daddy is driving, so that's why I'm getting it for you and you can ask me for it next time."

Tiny reminders of how I'm not mom. How he is always preferred by the girls to me, with good reason, no doubt, but still it stings a bit.

I read an article on CNN about one step-mother's anguish about not having the relationship with her step-daughter that she thought she should. And how Mother's Day is so hard for her. (I'm not linking to said article because I honestly don't like how it was written or what she had to say.)

I don't see it like that. I don't have any expectations when it comes to my relationship with the girls. I just let it be what it is. I don't try and make it something its not; I'm not trying to be their best friend nor am I trying to be their mother. I do try my very hardest to be a good example; a positive female role model. I try to show them there are many ways to look at things and how being different from others is quite alright.

I am happy to have a front row seat to their lives, with a smidge of influence on who they will become.

So Sunday, as my step-daughters are giving their mothers handmade cards and probably little gifts made at school, I'll be quietly thankful I get to be part of their existence.

And that fact alone is enough for me.

Kiddo and I, at an amusement park last Summer.

Little One and I, December 2010

Wednesday, May 4, 2011


Speaking of four-eyes here's my highly anticipated $30 internet special spectacles:

They are nerdy as all hell. And I love them. (blame the crapastic quality on the shitty overhead lighting I sit under all day at work.)

The last time I purchased new glasses was 2007. And they cost around $200 out of pocket. So I wasn't expecting these to be all that cute, but I think I lurve them. If you have never worn glasses, getting new ones is similar to getting a new hair do: when its good, you are really happy.

Now I just need a cut and color in the worst way (and an eyebrow wax to boot) and my head will be ready for wedding season 2011.

Work it, girl.

I weighed in yesterday, which was Day 7 of 30 Day Shred for me. I had to skip Monday due to eyeball malfunction and I skipped Saturday because of work and my niece's first birthday party. Even with missing these two days there has definitely been progress. 1.5 pounds lost in seven days. Woo-freaking-hoo!

I'm still on Level One, but I can feel such a difference in my endurance. I am doing the more advanced moves on at least half of the stuff that has beginner modifications and I switched from 3 pound weights to 5. I never even used 3 pound weights before when working out, but I wanted to ease into the 5 pounders because of all the stuff I read about 30 Day Shred making you more sore than you've ever been in your life. To that, all I have to say is, yes I was pretty sore for a couple days, but I don't know if its because I've done a similar workout in the recent past or what, but it wasn't that bad. Or I just think its worth it more? Who knows.

Diet-wise, I have been using the My Fitness Pal App on my iphone to count calories. I try to make good decisions and eat healthy. When we have a busy day and end up getting pizza for dinner, I keep it in check at very least.

I feel great so far, and Jillian Michaels is easy to tune out after you have heard her say the same thing 7 days in a row.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


I've worn glasses since the wee age of 6. My amazing first grade teacher (Mrs. Luksic, I still see her at mass when I make it down to go with my parents) was the one who suggested it to my parents. She noticed I was always active in answering questions during class and acknowledged that I was bright, but my handwriting was awful and I did poorly on handwritten tests. After my very first trip to the eye doctor, it was confirmed: my eyesight was awful. Astigmatism in the right eye to boot. Thanks a million to awesome early childhood educators! I probably would have been held back if I had had a less attentive teacher.

Fast forward to yesterday, I'm 26 and in for a yearly checkup/follow up on an ocular migraine I had in my left eye two weeks ago. (Side note, if you've never had one of these, here is what it was like for me: wavy vision that doesn't go away when you close your eye and mine lasted about 15 minutes then went away. Don't google wavy vision in eyes, results all say Stroke and that is scary business. The doctor says if it lasts longer than 30 minutes, seek medical attention.)

I do the standard eye tests, puff of air to the eye, press this button when you see the lines, "which is better? 1 or 2? Blah blah blah". Then I'm doing the whole "look at my ear while I point this annoyingly bright light in your eye ball" thing where they make you look around in a circle to examine the innards of your eye. Pretty standard stuff. But then he is looking for a really long time, way longer than the norm for me. My eye begins to water for the first time, and it actually hurts a bit too. Something isn't right.

He looks again, and then decides he want to dilate my eyes, to get a better look, then he looks again and then he says he wants me to see a specialist in the near future. He seems a bit nervous. Then he looks one more time (my eye is screaming at me by this time, and it actually hurts quite a lot) and says, he wants me to go today. That's when I start to freak out a bit, on the inside.

He tried to explain what might be happening with my retina, but he had already dilated my eyes and I don't really get it. All I know is I might need emergency surgery. On my eyeball. Fantastic.

So I scoot on over (in the pouring rain, mind you, I think Ohio is trying to be Seattle recently, for some unknown reason) to the specialist, and took a seat in what appears to be Heaven's Waiting Room. No one in there was under age 65. I can do nothing besides people watch through blurry vision, since I'm dilated. Let me tell you, old people are not very entertaining for people watching. I overhear the place is running behind, due to an earlier in the day emergency. I wait what feels like an eternity, literally just sitting there, doing nothing besides thinking about the possibility of having to have eye surgery. I almost go to the restroom to cry a couple times, but I would hate to occupy the one unisex bathroom in the waiting area, with all these old bladders surrounding me. I kept it together, somehow.

An hour and a half later, I'm called back. The medical assistant congratulates me when I can read the second to last line during the vision check, "You are the first patient I've had all day who could do that." Just remember my waiting room buddies though. I'm re-dilated and they put those weird, numbs-your-eyeballs drops in as well. I get really sleepy then, so I sort of wander around the exam room waiting for the doctor, who I'm told is the on-call guy, since the lady my Optometrist referred me to is the lady that is an hour behind. Whatevs, I'm not going to make a big stink about who I see, since I didn't have an appointment.

Once the doctor comes in its more of the "look at my ear while I point this annoyingly bright light in your eye ball" happens, and all I can think is, how does all this bright light an inch from my eye not do any damage? I should ask that sometime I'm not waiting for a possible surgery diagnosis. At this point, I've probably had a total of at least 30 minutes of bright light in my eye for the day. I am Le Tired, but need to know what the fuck is going on in there.

(And it only gets worse, in the bright light department. After my diagnosis, the doctor tells me he wants to take pictures of my eyes. Ever had this done? Talk about torture. Plus I'm pretty sure I had a lady who had never done it before. It felt like it took 25 minutes, on each eye. Then you are blinded for at least 10 minutes after your are done. I didn't complain, because I am not that sort of patient, but it sucked big time.)

I'm told I have retinal stasis (which I've tried googling multiple times and I think I've got the spelling totally wrong because I can't find it) meaning 5 of the 10 layers of my retina have detached. No clue why, and no indication that the remaining 5 layers are going anywhere. I'm told not to worry about this. I did make the doctor tell me the symptoms of retinal detachment, so at least I'll know what is going on if it ever happens. He also tells me I have calcium deposits around my optic nerves, in both eyes. Yay.

But I don't need emergency eyeball surgery. Thank goodness for that.

Ophthalmologist appointment has been made.

Conclusion: my eyes are moderately jacked.

And: I can remain semi-calm during what could be a medical emergency, at least when I'm surrounded by a waiting room full of old people. I think that's a win for me.

Thursday, April 28, 2011


I caught this pretty on my lunch break today. I was truly thankful for such a gorgeous view, mostly because it has rained for what seems like 3 weeks now.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


Yesterday I did Day One Level One of Jillian Micheals 30 Day Shred. Right now, approx. 15 hours post workout, I can feel it in my biceps, abs and thighs. I'm positive tomorrow will bring the all over aches. I really liked it, although I got so hot I almost threw up, but every time it got bad, it would switch into recovery. I really like how just when you think you can't do a move any more, you are done with it and move on to something else.

Before beginning, I did something I have never done before: took pictures of myself with my stomach showing. They will only see the light of day if on Day 30 I take new ones, and there is visible improvement. While trying to capture my back side I did get this, which isn't too offensive and almost artsy-fartsy. And I wasn't even trying:

There I am from behind, tramp stamp and all. Thank you, iPhone, for not taking super high definition photos. And even though Jillian Michaels pretty much annoys the crap out of me, that is exactly what I need right now. I need something to push me.

Monday, April 25, 2011

A Change Would Do You Good.

I like to pretend I'll commit to new projects, and be consistent. Then I'm not.

The 40DaysMovement project sort of fell through, although I am starting the 30 Day Shred video today after work, and I'm excited to do so. I need a kick in the ass, and I know annoyingly fit Jillian Micheals will do it for me.

I want to try to resurrect the Snapshots project though, especially with all the stuff coming up for us. We'll see how that goes.

Oh well, call me a bad blogger, if you will. I do always come back, eventually, making up excuses (mostly for myself) about why I, once again, failed to stay consistent at posting. Or exercising. Or much of anything. Oh well. I'm going to forgive myself this time, and not dwell.

Besides, I mostly write this blog for my own little documentary purposes, even if they are meager at best. So I'm really only letting myself down.


Crazy-exciting news. We are moving. As of June 1 we will no longer be in our hippish-small town, but in Surburbia. I will miss our little town, but the 'burbs have their perks, both in the physical space we call home, and in a more general, accessibility of things. It is a ranch style duplex-condo-apartment-half house type of dealy. (I don't like the word "duplex" so I'm having trouble naming it.) It is one building, with two units. The landlord lives next door, and she is pretty cool, and we tend to keep quiet these days anyway.

The new place perks:
One story aka: no more 21 steps of death.
Garage. YAY.
Washer/dryer hookups meaning no more laundry mat.
Utility room. No more cat box in the ONE storage closet we have.
Side patio
Ceiling fan in living room
Coat closet in living room ie: for shoes, coats and board games. (yay storage.)
Gas range, I grew up with one, and prefer it to electric.
1.5 baths, which is FANTASTIC since I have a husband who enjoys camping out in the bathroom sometimes, if you know what I'm saying.
3 bedrooms ( More STORAGE!)
Attic above the Garage...did I mention I'm really excited about the Storage?

I am now realizing we have basically be living with all of our crap in plain sight since we moved into together. Neither place we've lived has had ample storage. The amount of storage in this place is making me giddy. I thrive on a tidy home, and being able to store the less visually appealing things we own makes me so very happy.

Let's say it one more time: STOOOOORRRRRAGE! Yay.

This is place is literally within walking distance to the husband's work, a fishing pond and a huge playground. It is also a 5 minute drive to some really great friends. Target and Kroger's are right down the road.

I think it will be a great change for everyone, even the girls. We discussed the fact that the move puts more distance between them and us. The husband pointed out the way things are with both of them, being 1 hour away is no different than being one town away; we are (sadly) not included in their lives with their mothers and their maternal families. So he is 100% alright with us being closer to my hometown than his and subsequently, further from the girls as well.

New half casa, in iPhone photos (nothing exciting, since it's just empty rooms, but pics nonetheless):

Living Room, from front door, with husband in doorway to kitchen

Kitchen, side door to patio is left of Fridge, Hallway right of oven, Utility Rm right of Hallway
Full Bath, from main entry (one of the lights is out, hence the super bad lighting)

View standing in Master, looking through the half bath into the full (there are pocket doors)

The packing has began. And I have some plans to document the move. Good things to come!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


It is my husband's birthday today.

I'm pretty happy he was born on this date 29 years ago.

At the same time, can't believe I have husband. Who is 29. That is almost 30. Gah.
I've written quite a lot about how he levels me out....he is like yoga and I am like crazy bootcamp aerobics.
Plus we take amazing photos together....

Happy, Happy Birthday, Husband, you are my everything and always.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

La Familia.

This is why I can't help but want to procreate with this man. Moments like this.

I should probably ask him about it....

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Weekend Adventures.

The weekend went by in a flash, just like always. I did manage to enjoy some adult beverages Friday night and not feel like death Saturday morning. Not sure how that happened, but I'm hoping to duplicate the results again sometime. Then I got an IPhone 4 Saturday. I think I'm in love. Plus I keep telling the husband it will make my lonely weeknights less lonely. And then Sunday I roadtripped to visit the fam and captured this adorableness in the process:

This little lady is crawling now. Soon she'll be going to Prom.

On my way home I stopped and visited with my Grandma. I'm not sure if I have ever talked about my elderly apprehension on here before, but until Sunday I had never visited my grandma by myself. Ever. She made me uncomfortable; my entire childhood she wasn't the most grandmotherly type towards me. I won't go into details, but it sort of made me weird about older people. Until now. She talked my ear off, and I would have stayed longer, if it hadn't been 7:00 on a Sunday night.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, and I can't wait to visit with her again. It was an altogether great weekend.

Thursday, March 24, 2011


coaster wisdom a la my favorite sister.



How do you tell the person you have been with for 6 years, who has thought for those 6 years you didn't want children that you suddenly do?

Well, besides just saying it. I guess I need to come out of the baby-making closet.

Side note: I'm sort of stubborn, and I tend to hate eating my words when wrong. A lot. I'm trying to remind myself the advice of my lovely bff: "You are allowed to change your mind; you don't have to justify it to anyone." and also, "Who cares about them? (the people who will say, but I thought you didn't want kids? and I knew you'd change your mind!) They don't matter anyways." I love her. She is the part of my brain that all my insecurities tend to drown out a lot of the time.

I haven't exactly made a decision about it either. I did not wake up one day (like so many people told me I would) and know I wanted to make a baby. That stupid biological clock everyone talks about has began ticking. Ever so quietly in the back of my mind. Plus the fact that I am literally surrounded by babies and pregnant women everywhere I turn. And then they are all over Facebook as well. F*cking Facebook. I do not blame them, because we are at prime baby-makin' age, but it doesn't help my current predicament either.

I've never expected to wake up and just know. It was the same bullshit when I was wedding dress shopping. Everyone said, "You'll *just* know when its the right dress!" I never felt that, and then the dress I chose wasn't even what I ended up getting hitched in.
So yeah, I'm not expecting divine intervention and "just knowing" to happen. I'm much too logical for that.

The main reason I had thought in the past that I didn't want kids was my own awkward and sometimes painful adolescent experiences. I think the fact that I am finally coming to terms with them, forgetting the bad and remembering the good has caused this change of heart.

Plus my adorable niece is NO help. I mean she is the cutest thing in the world to me. Just look at her:

Showing off her sticking-her-tongue-out skills.

The Husband's new work schedule has him on nights right now, but Saturday he is off a bit earlier so I'm planning on dropping the bomb then. So much of me committing 100% to having a baby hangs on his reaction and if he wants to as well. I don't want to unless he wants to.

I'm doing it Saturday. It needs to be done. It must be done.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

A photo a day.... me something to do in my spare time.

I will admit this one was not taken today, but over this past weekend but it is too cute to NOT share and to kick off a new project:

Sharing secrets on the windowsill.

Plus I'm pretty sure my husband took this. Oh well, from now on, they will be from my pov. And although my way too short for the windows curtains make this picture work, I need to get on that still. Le sigh.


I am going to start carrying my camera with me all the time in an attempt to capture a snapshot from my days. I probably won't upload them every day, but maybe three or four times a week, but I'll try to have a couple pictures each time. And they probably won't be anything fancy, but I need a new hobby (besides reading, it will always be my first hobby-love, but I want something new).

Wee, fun times.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


I never feel put together anymore, but most days I just don't care. I don't know if I ever was "put together" in the first place. My wardrobe has shrunk dramatically, but somehow I have a closet full of clothes, yet never anything to wear. I make it to work most days fully clothed and slightly accessorized (usually with a scarf no matter the season). That's an accomplishment lately.

I need a hair cut and an eyebrow wax in a most serious way. The at-home dye job I (actually, my husband) did has grown out approximately 3 inches. 75% of the time, the hair is in a knot on top of my head. Even though I don't especially like how I look with it up. It gets in the way when its down.

Besides these cosmetic flaws and fallen to the wayside-used-to-be-routine-priorities, I try to appreciate the hair on my head. The clothes on my back. The air in my lungs.

I have never been a totally put together person, but it seems like I am still waiting to wake up one day and feel that way. I can't figure out why. Blame Society? Growing up idolizing all the pretty ladies on the covers of fashion magazines?

I'm flaky, flighty and on a good day, quirky with a game plan. Clumsy, awkward and just plain nervous all the time on a ordinary day, and let's not talk about the bad days.

I wish I could get to a point in life where I stop thinking about how disappointed I am with myself. I know I am my own worst critic.

Not thin enough.
Pretty enough.
Put-together enough.
Happy enough.

Enough is enough.

This is me.

In crappy old BlackBerry Camera Phone Glory:

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


As I have mentioned before, I was raised Roman Catholic meaning every year around this time I contemplate all the things I tried (and usually failed at) giving up or doing better for the 40 days leading up to Easter.

I'm about as non-practicing as a Catholic can be. I'm not even a C&E Catholic (Christmas and Easter) I've become only a C Catholic. Blame my liberal arts degree and that minor I picked up in anthropology.

I have always loved a good challenge and, as an adult I still like to give up or commit to something during Lent, regardless of my current, actual mass attendance or buffet style (I pick and choose from a variety of belief systems) spirituality. I would like to make this the year I actually see something through. I am not sure if I have ever done this, if I did, I don't remember now.....

Anyways, I am, starting tomorrow, challenging myself to 40Days of Movement. Meaning I will get at least 30 minutes of moderate to high intensity exercise per day, for the next 40. I am not going to be picky about what form this exercise takes, it could be (but not limited to):

Wii-Fit activities
Dancing around my apartment
vigorous cleaning of the apartamento
Chasing children around a playground (ones I know, I'm not a creeper)

And basically anything that will get my blood pumping and my endorphins going.

Since I've already proven I can't blog every day (remember 30 Days of Truth? Yeah I'm just not witty enough to find something clever to say every day) I'm going to twitter about it. And if anyone wants to join me, tag that shit as #40DaysMovement and get sweaty along with me, because its always more fun than getting sweaty alone.

Let's endorphinize! And remember: Endorphins make you happy, happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't.

I couldn't have said it better myself. Husbands everywhere will sleep better :)

Friday, March 4, 2011

Logic vs. Intuition.

Logically, my college educated, sociology laden brain is screaming, "NOOOOOOO! Baby is not the best choice!" But then there are millions of years of evolution inside me, quietly nudging, "BAAAAAAABBBBBBBEEEEEEEE, makeabaaaaaaabbbbbeeeeeee".

And it is slowly driving me nuts, the push and pull of it all.

So, since I love a good list, a made a pros and cons list for (possible) procreation. In no apparent order:

-Will shut up biological clock
-Tiny clothes, shoes and hats w/ears
-Someone to take care of me when I'm old
-cousin for Baby M. (my niece)
-Sibling for Kiddo and Little One
-Having a mini-me (or mini husband in the case of a boy) would be cool
-Getting to parent the way I want, not tip toe around the hard stuff like I do w/the girls because I never want them to say in anger, "you're not my mother!" I already know that.
-Never a boring moment
-hugs and cuddles
-finger painting possibilities
-Being told "you two would make such cute babies!" makes me curious...
-Giving my husband the chance to do the baby thing, one last time when he will be there for all the milestones he missed out on with the girls

-Body never the same
-Mass amounts of laundry
-Taking care of for 18+ years
-Another person to bathe, clothe, feed etc...
-Taking Dad time away from Kiddo and Little One
-Babies turn into kids who turn into teenagers (who, in general, are annoying at best)
-College $
-childcare costs (I doubt we could afford me to do the SAHM thing, sadly and that opens up a whole other issue with me: why have kids if I'm going to pay someone else to basically raise them?)
-doctor's visits
-sticky hands/faces
-Lack of sleep
-loss of identity

This is where I stand on the topic. 12 cons versus 12 pros. Completely torn.


My husband and I were watching a TV show last night and one of the characters was getting a vasectomy. He mentioned, "If you are 100% sure you don't want kids we should look into that for me". I all could say was I don't know. Twice. And that is a lot different than how I used to respond to such a discussion. I should have laid it all out for him right then and there, but I clammed up. I'm not so good at eating my words, and after years and years of claiming, "I like babies, as long as they are other people's" I am partially hung up on having to do just that.

I know there is not perfect time to have a baby, but at this juncture of our lives, I couldn't feel it is more wrong: we live in a two bedroom apartment we are quickly outgrowing (w/o another human being taking up residence) and I am on the verge of enrolling in a graduate program where I work while my husband is switching jobs, again (that is a long story, ending with panic attacks and his hair falling out). We don't even have a washer and dryer, we are kicking it at the laundromat once a week.

I just wish the nagging feeling that something is missing would go away, but I am seriously starting to doubt if it will on its own.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Home: Update.

It has been almost a month since I set my goals for making the ol' apartamento more cozy and organized. Let's see how I've progressed, shall we?

Living room:

Large bookcase (think Expedit 4x4 from IKEA) for books and nonsense storage.
Couch/loveseat combo OR sectional. I've never owned my very own couch, and the blue and white checked monstrosity, while comfortable and sturdy has got to go. I am very thankful that the husband had it donated when he lost nearly all of his stuff in a fire long before we met, but the time has come to say goodbye.
Re-configure stuff on the walls and perhaps furniture arrangement
I broke down and ordered a tight fitting sofa cover in chocolate brown and bought some adorable new couch pillows on a great buy one, get three free sale at Value City. While I'm a bit sad about not getting whole new couch, our tax refund is looking to be a lot smaller than anticipated. I'm slashing the already tight budget I'd set for all of this. Such is life. Let's hope the cover shows up today in the mail and it fits correctly. Total cost (so far): $66.59

Closet system- We currently have one extremely bowed closet rod and piles of nonsense below, so we need one. It will go with us when we leave, or the landlord can pay us back.
6 drawer low dresser- Two people and a four drawer garage sale find from when I was 16 does not compute.
Baskets for storage under nightstands.
Closet organization system is at the top of the list. The chaos that is our closet will soon be managed, as long as we can make it work in our budget for this month. Eating is a bit more important than closet organization. Sometimes. I am also going to try my damnedest to NOT forget a before photo, because it will be an epic before and after. You just wait.

New Shower curtain
Shower organizational thingy-Right now we have two small ones and the clutter in there is suddenly driving me nuts. Both items have been purchased along with new shower curtain liner, pretty hangers and a fancy yet inexpensive suction cup soap dish for the hubster's bar soap. clutter managed, showering is fun again. Total cost: $22.96. I love TJ Maxx.

Girls' room:
They both need small, three drawer dressers. We have a clothes storage issue all-around in our home. Half of their closet is hanging clothes, the other half is Christmas tree/hockey crap storage. We have no storage besides unused kitchen cabinets. Before you call me the evil step-mother....we keep the girls' room door closed when they aren't over to conserve heat, so it is hard to put this stuff high on the priority list: I don't see it every day. Out of sight, out of mind might apply to their storage issues, although trust me, it does not apply to them, I think about what kind of day they are having every single day.

Little progress is better than no progress at all, so I'm happy with things. Stay tuned, living room/couch progress soon.

Friday, January 28, 2011

New Normal.

I squint through the darkness in order to see what the time is, and once again I've awoken just shy of a half hour until I need to get up. As I stumble still half asleep to the bathroom (since that's why I'm awake too early once again) the thought of a morning workout crosses my mind but quickly decide "not today" and head back to bed for another 20 or so minutes of sleep. One snooze button hit later, I'm in the shower and he's up and moving.

"I'm going to go start the cars" he says. I smile. "Okie" I reply.

We have been doing the morning dance around each other in our small apartamento for a month now. For the first time ever we have to be at work at the same time every day. I sort of love starting my day with him.

Aside from realizing we need at least a bath and a half in our (hopefully in the not-so-distant) future home, it has been strangely nice. It is easier to get out of the warm bed knowing your personal heater has to get up as well. And knowing your car won't be warm and/or not covered in snow when you go to depart. That is worth sharing the bathroom for.

His job is going well. He likes it, and it is a lot of take home work sometimes, but eventually he won't be the new guy and won't have to prep so much for the computer programs he is teaching the next day (because he will have already taught them). He is finally doing something he actually enjoys, for the first time in over five years. That makes me so happy for him. Add in the fact of room for advancement and profit sharing and I think my husband might have a career on his hands.

The 4 months he was unemployed I was constantly waiting for something epic and bad to happen, that we wouldn't be able to afford to fix. It never happened and here we are on the other side of things, wiser and happier than I could have imagined. I've been saying the lay off was a blessing in disguise; things really do happen for a reason.

So even when I'm dark and twisty, things aren't that bad, and I feel like they can only get better from here on out.

But wait, what happened to the angsty crap from last time? I would attribute that to really bad I'm working out again, and I've said it before, its my own natural anti-depressant. It's a wonder what sweating it out can do for your mood. If only I could stick with it forever and I would be rainbows and smiles permanently...ehhh I don't know about that...

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Winter wins again.

I'm suffocating even though I still take breaths in.

I'm sinking but my arms don't remember how to swim.

I'm restless but I don't know where I wouldn't be.

None of this is even bothersome, it is all just mundane. It is all expected, familiar; boring almost.

I'm jealous, bitter, angry, sad, anxious and a million other feelings.

Perhaps I should get back on the wagon of weight loss (aka treadmill) if only there wasn't such a vicious cycle of apathy going on presently. I just don't feel like it, so I don't. Then I feel worse, so I don't. Maybe I should remember how I felt two short weeks ago? So easy to be optimistic after two weeks away from the most un-fulfilling part of my days.

59 days til Spring......

Friday, January 14, 2011

Home. It's where your crap is.

Since realistically the husband and I won't be ready to look at houses until next year (that will put him at his current job for a full year, increasing our pre-approval amount and giving us the next 12 months to get some things paid off) I need to make some changes to our humble apartamento. I also need to stop looking at houses online, because I get attached to one, and then someone who IS ready to buy snatches it up. Then I am sad.

So I'm hoping to accomplish all the following before we move since I know there will be a long list of things we'll need to buy once we are in a house. Like a lawn mower, ladder and other things I can potentially hurt myself with. Good thing we have insurance.

Let's list things, shall we?

Living room:
Large bookcase (think Expedit 4x4 from IKEA) for books and nonsense storage.
Couch/loveseat combo OR sectional. I've never owned my very own couch, and the blue and white checked monstrosity, while comfortable and sturdy has got to go. I am very thankful that the husband had it donated when he lost nearly all of his stuff in a fire long before we met, but the time has come to say goodbye.
Re-configure stuff on the walls and perhaps furniture arrangement

Closet system- We currently have one extremely bowed closet rod and piles of nonsense below, so we need one. It will go with us when we leave, or the landlord can pay us back.
6 drawer low dresser- Two people and a four drawer garage sale find from when I was 16 does not compute.
Baskets for storage under nightstands.

New Shower curtain
Shower organizational thingy-Right now we have two small ones and the clutter in there is suddenly driving me nuts.

Girls' room:
They both need small, three drawer dressers. We have a clothes storage issue all-around in our home. Half of their closet is hanging clothes, the other half is Christmas tree/hockey crap storage. We have no storage besides unused kitchen cabinets.

Hopefully, some progress shall be made! Perhaps I'll even remember to take some before/after pictures...they are always my favorite part of the home design shows but let's be honest, I tend to get all excited about new things and organization and only document the after. Oh well.

I am also hoping publishing my own little to-do list here will help me actually accomplish some of it. It is not like I want to re-furnish the entire place. In the past though, I jump from room to room and can't seem to decide where to start. This time, I'm starting in the living room, since we spend most of our time there. That, or the closet in our bedroom. See...I'm doing it already. Not that we spend a lot of time there, but with the husband's grown up job, he and I are getting ready at the same time now, and the closet leaves SO much to be desired. I try to keep the bedroom in check so its a peaceful place for us to rest our heads but it often looks as if the dresser upchucked clothing everywhere. My OCD tendencies don't really enjoy this.

I am going to try and make something happen in the next 30 days. We'll see how it goes.

Monday, January 3, 2011


Today I am going to remember the happiest times over my two week furlough; I am thankful I got to spend that time with my husband, friends and family. I will remind myself of the benefits of my job; when I can't find the good things I will refuse to let it interfere with my over all happiness. At least for today. Tomorrow I start again, and see how that goes.

This is a definite one day at a time experiment. If I can apply this attitude every day for the next 21 work days, perhaps it will become routine? Perhaps I will awake to birds chirping and woodland creatures serenading me tomorrow? Anything is possible, right?

Today's benefit: how nice it is to have my own office (where I can take mini breaks to blog randomness).

Saturday, January 1, 2011

So this is the New Year. Again.

It seems like just yesterday it was a year ago. Probably because one year ago I was lazing about watching bowl games much like I am today, but this year feels different. Even with its similarities, January 1, 2011 (I wonder how many times I'll write 2010 in the next month?) is a whole new world.

I really enjoy New Year's Eve. I always have. I know it is just a flip of the calendar but there is something so refreshing about it for me and my slightly OCD personality. Its a new start. A clean slate. This year I have discovered a new confidence in who I am and how I've grown in the past 365 days. It makes this day much happier, because there is no place to go but up.

2010 was not easy. It was as much a bitch as it was fantastic. I learned more about myself and quite possibly about life than I have thus far. Doors were closed and windows opened. I worried less and lived more.

My little family is finally united. That is the best part of all.

All is right in the world, or at least my world, for at least a little while.

Here's to a happy and healthy 2011. Cheers.