Thursday, February 26, 2009


I heart this picture:

It is selfish and horrible and conceited, but this picture has reminded me how all this wedding planning bullshit is worth it, because I get to wear that for a whole day and be very pretty and looked at and complimented all day long.
Plus Fiance and I had a great hang-out night last night. I heart him a lot.

Monday, February 23, 2009


I keep having these horrible, extremely vivid dreams that Fiance breaks things off and is completely non-chalant about it too. When I wake up, I'm usually on the verge of tears and realize it was, thankfully, it was just a dream.

I could pretend I don't know why I have these, but that would be a load of shit.

I'm a masochist with my thoughts sometimes. whenever one of my parents gets a bad cold it sometimes elavates to them in the hospital with pneumonia and dying and I think about how I am not ready to lose them. When I walk down our back steps (which I fell down back in November one icy Ohio morning) I visualize falling again. Sometimes while driving on the highway, I get flashes of wrecking my car and I think about how Fiance would react to that phone call. I don't know why I do doesn't happen all the time...but sometimes, there they are, inflitrating my private thoughts; these horrible scenarios. Maybe I'm a bit mental, but hey, I think everyone has their issues, it just depends on how you deal with them.

I don't think about Fiance leaving me much in conscious thought, but man, does it materialize in my dreams occassionally....and then there it is, in my head.

See, what doesn't help is this: my first long term relationship ended with our first real fight, which wasn't even a fight, it was more like, he acting like an asshole, me confronting him about it and then him telling me it was over. Fiance and I didn't get into an actual argument until December of 2007, after we had been living together for 6 months and we had be together for almost 2 years. I don't know how to fight with him. I freaked the fuck out when we got into that first fight, because a larget part of me was thinking, "well, I bet this is over with now....where the fuck am I going to live?" and we were arguing over the dishes being washed...I get all feminist and "why am I expected to do certain things" from time to time...then I remember he is the bug killer and builder of furniture from a box.... anyways, he called me out on it and said, I think you are picking a fight with me because we never fight about anything and he was right.

But I digress. I don't even know where I was going with this...I feel so emo. I just hate when I have those dreams.

In other news.....Brangelina both got shafted at the Oscar' about that?

Friday, February 20, 2009

Mission: Accomplished

This lil guy (along with the matching band that current lives in its cute lil box at home) are officially mine. I made the final payment on the account today since we both got our tax returns back and had the money.


Thursday, February 19, 2009


The stupid wedding is inflitrating my sweet slumber....along with other things.

I was in the middle of some dream about flowers last night when Fiance awoke me with a different thing in mind completely. It was weird. I was confused. For a moment reality and dream worlds overlapped and there was rolling about in flowers. I'll leave it at that.

Why am I am dreaming about flowers? I mean, I've never been into them before. I find myself gravitating towards earthy colors and nature patterns on home decor, but never in the froo-froo way. More in the two-toned, outline of nature style, but now I'm dreaming about which flowers to pick for the day I get married?

What makes it worse is how I decided two days ago to not even use real flowers. I'm allergic and they are expensive.

The wedding is like a disease!

Completely unrelated: I changed my bloggy's look. I decided it was time to shake things up.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


I'm annoyed by the responsibilities of adulthood today. Need to go get tags for my car...and go to the bank on my lunch break when all I really want to do is go home, read Eclipse (third book in Twilight Saga) and take a nap. Oh well, must press on I suppose.

Here's some better-ish pictures of me in my dress:

It makes me happy to look at even if it is quite snug. I'm thinking if this sickness keeps it up, I may be able to look good in the store sample and get some awesome pictures.
I'm boycotting involved wedding related planning until after I'm well tends to upset me more since I feel like poo.
The end.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Soup but no Spoon.

I have a cold/sinus/allergy thing going on. I have little to no appetite so I brought soup to eat for lunch. I don't have a freaking spoon though. That pretty much sums up my day.

I have been trying to be in a not crap mood, but I don't feel good. Originally, I was going to get license plates for my car and to the bank on my lunch break, then I remembered its Tuesday and that I had to go talk to the florist. It went well, and compared to "the standard" the price isn't horrid, but compared to our budget, it is a lot of money. I thought we may be able to make it work.

Then I made the mistake of calling Fiance and telling him. Lately I've been worried about money a lot, so when I told him how much the flowers would be, he got pissy saying things like you can't worry about money so much and then want to spend that on flowers. He doesn't get how it could still work, or how compared to an "average" wedding, this is nothing all he sees is things with the word "wedding" attached to it makes them ridiculously overpriced and it pisses him off. He sort of yelled at me, which prompted me to say,
"I don't know what I was thinking, I shouldn't have even called you about this, I'll just call my sister..." which in turn made him realize he was being mean.
I wanted to cry, since I feel like crap and now he's yelling at me and telling me "its not that hard, why don't you just buy real flowers and make them the day of" I told him that really isn't an option since I don't want to worry about it the day of the wedding, plus I'm hopelessly un-crafty so unless he wants to do it, I'll just do fake flowers and make them well in advance with the help of my sister, MOH and BM.
Real flowers are dumb anyway, they die and I'm slightly allergic to them. Maybe I'll even do something fun with feathers...who knows.

We registered Saturday night. That was fun. Oh and my dress is ordered and paid for in full. Woo for that...and I paid a large chunk of my ring off yesterday. Sucks because it was using our tax refunds, but whatever.

I hope the rest of today goes quickly. Now I'm going to try and eat my soup with a fork :/

Friday, February 13, 2009


It's Friday the 13th yo.

Guess who got 3 pretty pink roses from her Fiance?? I did :D I'd never recieved a flower delivery before and it has really made my day awesome. Plus my brother is in town and he is going to come up and ride along with me to Fiance's band's show tonight. It should be some quality family time. What a great day.

Oh plus I made this guy to try and see how the ladies and I will look for the wedding:

MOH in the strapless gold, sister BM in sleeveless tank and friend BM in halter. I think it just may work. We may even try to find matching fabric to tie gold sashes on the brown dresses and brown sashes on the gold dress and on me.

Yay for life on this sunny February day.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Happy Blog

Due my recent constant state of tenison, I've decided I need an attitude adjustment, or at least attempt one so I can say "at least I tried".

I am very thankful for the following:
1. I have a job that allows me to pay my bills, and isn't too horrible to do day-in and day-out.
2. I have a wonderful fiance who, after over three years together, still gives me butterflies.
3. I'm getting married. At one point in my life, I thought this would never happen.
4. Despite our few problems, my family is very supportive and pretty functional.
5. I have a handful of great friends.
6. Coffee. I can live without it, but I choose not to.
7. the TV show 'Friends' being on DVD. I think I would lose my mind without something to watch that isn't fuzzy since we don't have cable and after February 16 or whatever probably won't get many digital channels consistently since we have yet to find a digital antenna that actually works for us.

I am going to put a lot of effort into remembering these things on a daily basis. There are so many people in this country and others that are struggling in so many different ways. I need to be more thankful I have my teeny stressors instead of huge ones.

In totally unrelated news....Happy Birthday Lincoln, you rocked a beard like no other.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

awwww this is why I'm marrying him...

We have compromised.  I get to do a "what should a wear?" FAQ, just modified slightly to make us both happy.

Seriously though, I'm going to need to start doing yoga or meditation or something or I'm going to crack and have a nervous breakdown soon.  I'm trying to stay calm about things, but there is just too much to deal with and there always seems to be something to worry about or disagree with someone (its usually not fiance, its usually my mom and occasionally been my sister) on.

Le sigh....I need a good cuddle.

He makes me so crazy sometimes.

We are spending money and looking nice for our wedding day and for some reason, he has some huge fucking problem with telling people what I don't want them to wear to an event WE are paying for to celebrate OUR fucking wedding.

"I just don't want people to think they are coming to an uptight wedding"

Telling them they can't wear jeans, shorts or sleeveless shirts if they are a guy is not telling them what to wear, its telling them to not look like they are going to a fucking bar for a night of drinking.  I don't feel like that makes us seem uptight at all, I think it just tells them we are trying to be a bit classy.

Because honestly the reason I did that question/answer for the FAQ in the first fucking place is because of all the goddamn band/bar type people HE'S INVITING.  They are the reason I'm worried about space....most of them I could care less about sharing our day with because I barely know them.  They are the reason I'm worried things will get broken because they will get shitfaced and stupid. They are the eye sores I do not want to fucking look at the day I get married nor do I want in pictures.

But being the good partner I am, I keep such thoughts inside because they are his friends and I take him as is, icky gross friends and all.

He just keeps throwing these random objections at me....things I never think he wouldn't be okay with he has huge problems with.  Other things he is either on board for or just plain doesn't care either way.

I'll say it again: Boo wedding planning.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Boo Wedding Planning.

Women who enjoy planning their wedding are crazy in my opinion.

Don't get me wrong, there have been a few times things have been fun to plan/organize, but as of late, its nothing more than a huge pain in the ass that is making me crabby and overly worried and anxious.

It is so hard for me to remember what I really want is the most important thing because I do value certain people's opinions and when certain people react badly to things I thought they would be supportive about I get so pissed. And worried. And upset.

And then there is Fiance, who is pretty much clueless to the whole evil Wedding Industrial Complex, and he just doesn't get how there are expectations for what I am supposed to want and not want and what "we have to do" just because we are getting married. He doesn't get it.

He has a brilliant idea that I love which will cut our food cost in half: order pizzas and subs from the two places in town and we can DIY salad, cheese, olives and pickles from GFS. It is totally "us" because we aren't fancy people and who doesn't love pizza? People have been pissing all over this idea left and right before they even let me finish explaining how it is going to be done.

Like I would just throw 25 pizzas, still in their boxes, on a buffet table and holler "c'mon git it!" SERIOUSLY.

There will be a lovely pre-set up buffet table, with heat lamps for the pizzas, and definitely with some sort of platters to put on and take them out of the boxes. There will be a "Pizza buffet coordinator" or two. There will be a mini salad bar type thing, with breadsticks and sub sandwiches for those not wanting pizza. And there will be some awesome pizzas made with whole grain wheat crust and organically grown local veggies pizza for those wanting a heatlhier pizza option (ie: MEEEEE). Just because we want to serve pizza doesn't mean it has to look cheap or taste like greasy goodness. I mean, some of it will be your staples, but the other half will be veggie awesomeness.
No one lets me explain all this before completely shutting me down. It's really irritating. And it really only makes me want to do it EVEN MORE to prove them all wrong. Especially my mother. She says, "Pizza? I don't think so. but its your day, do whatever you want but you would have to have a really good salad for people like me...not just some lettuce in a bowl!"

Ah, man, because I was totally going to just put some plan lettuce in a huge ass bowl for people to eat at my freaking wedding. Damn it Mom, I'm not a freaking idiot.

We're trekking to IKEA tomorrow (my mom, her friend and my sister) and I am hoping to not even talk about food for the wedding at all. I just don't want to discuss it anymore for a while.