Monday, February 23, 2009


I keep having these horrible, extremely vivid dreams that Fiance breaks things off and is completely non-chalant about it too. When I wake up, I'm usually on the verge of tears and realize it was, thankfully, it was just a dream.

I could pretend I don't know why I have these, but that would be a load of shit.

I'm a masochist with my thoughts sometimes. whenever one of my parents gets a bad cold it sometimes elavates to them in the hospital with pneumonia and dying and I think about how I am not ready to lose them. When I walk down our back steps (which I fell down back in November one icy Ohio morning) I visualize falling again. Sometimes while driving on the highway, I get flashes of wrecking my car and I think about how Fiance would react to that phone call. I don't know why I do doesn't happen all the time...but sometimes, there they are, inflitrating my private thoughts; these horrible scenarios. Maybe I'm a bit mental, but hey, I think everyone has their issues, it just depends on how you deal with them.

I don't think about Fiance leaving me much in conscious thought, but man, does it materialize in my dreams occassionally....and then there it is, in my head.

See, what doesn't help is this: my first long term relationship ended with our first real fight, which wasn't even a fight, it was more like, he acting like an asshole, me confronting him about it and then him telling me it was over. Fiance and I didn't get into an actual argument until December of 2007, after we had been living together for 6 months and we had be together for almost 2 years. I don't know how to fight with him. I freaked the fuck out when we got into that first fight, because a larget part of me was thinking, "well, I bet this is over with now....where the fuck am I going to live?" and we were arguing over the dishes being washed...I get all feminist and "why am I expected to do certain things" from time to time...then I remember he is the bug killer and builder of furniture from a box.... anyways, he called me out on it and said, I think you are picking a fight with me because we never fight about anything and he was right.

But I digress. I don't even know where I was going with this...I feel so emo. I just hate when I have those dreams.

In other news.....Brangelina both got shafted at the Oscar' about that?

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