I have completely lost my direction in life beyond paying my bills and getting through each painfully long work day to come home, sit my ass on the couch for a few hours and then try and get some sleep. But when I sleep, I dream of the things I think about all day long....money, the future, finding a job etc to the point that I can't even get away from things when I'm asleep anymore. I wake up exhausted. Woe is fucking me.
I told myself a long time ago I would never feel this sorry for myself again. I know it doesn't help anything. It didn't help me back then and I know it won't help me now. It is just very hard to be me lately. I don't feel like myself. Probably due to the whole "I have NO clue what to do with my life" thing. But what do I know? I have one pointless higher education degree and I'm pretty close to having another. What I am supposed to do with them is a huge mystery to me. It is almost as if something derailed me along the way and now I am stuck. Oh thats not a tough one: I fell in love.
All my plans I had for after college were single, independent-me plans. While I may still be independent, I haven't been single in well over two years. I can not see myself spending the rest of my life with anyone else I just feel like there is so much more I need to do before the rest of my life starts, like figuring out exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I have never been very good at living in the moment. I used to tell myself I could change this but its pretty apparent that isn't going to happen at this point. I need to plan things. It gives me control. *le sigh......what is a girl to do when she is a planner without a plan?