Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Life as I know it.

The world is falling apart, literally due to global warming and figuratively due to wars and ignorance.  Our country is in its worst place economically than it has been in decades.  The leaders of our so called "great nation" don't give a shit about my twentysomething woes.  These include being barely able to pay my bills, put gas in my car and have one night at my friends having drinks.  All that matters to them is how much money they are making.

I have completely lost my direction in life beyond paying my bills and getting through each painfully long work day to come home, sit my ass on the couch for a few hours and then try and get some sleep.  But when I sleep, I dream of the things I think about all day, the future, finding a job etc to the point that I can't even get away from things when I'm asleep anymore.  I wake up exhausted.  Woe is fucking me.

I told myself a long time ago I would never feel this sorry for myself again.  I know it doesn't help anything.  It didn't help me back then and I know it won't help me now.  It is just very hard to be me lately.  I don't feel like myself.  Probably due to the whole "I have NO clue what to do with my life" thing.  But what do I know?  I have one pointless higher education degree and I'm pretty close to having another.  What I am supposed to do with them is a huge mystery to me.  It is almost as if something derailed me along the way and now I am stuck.  Oh thats not a tough one: I fell in love.

All my plans I had for after college were single, independent-me plans.  While I may still be independent, I haven't been single in well over two years.  I can not see myself spending the rest of my life with anyone else I just feel like there is so much more I need to do before the rest of my life starts, like figuring out exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I have never been very good at living in the moment.  I used to tell myself I could change this but its pretty apparent that isn't going to happen at this point.  I need to plan things.  It gives me control.  *le sigh......what is a girl to do when she is a planner without a plan?

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