Monday, November 1, 2010

Day One: Hate

Thanks to Tabulous I've been introduced to The Thirty Days of Truth. This is an experiment where every day for the next 30 I'm going to blog about something or other in a most earnest way. I think it will be a good learning experience, so I'm going to give it a try.

Day One: Something you hate about yourself

As a perpetual perfectionist, I could create a detailed list of my shortfalls, but that's not the point of this experiment, so I'm going to pick a biggie and go with it. I hate how much I worry about what other people think.

Growing up, I can't fathom the number of times I said, "I don't care what they think anyway" even though on the inside, I did. All I wanted was to be liked, but at the same time, I was sort of a weirdo who did my own thing and that wasn't always the status quo. That made my adolescence a time of ridicule leaving me to forgive but to never forget how I was treated. It has a lot to do with why I don't want kids (well and the fact that I just plain don't feel the need to procreate) but it has also taught me to be wary of my actions, because people react to them, sometimes negatively, and that can hurt.

Now as an adult (I guess you can call me that?) this problem has become specific to certain people in my life, mostly the moms and my co-worker's. I have this never-ending internal editor going, before I do many things (ie: say/do much of anything with the girls, get dressed, pipe up at work, etc...) and the worst part is, it exhausting, but it is also something I don't even realize I'm doing at this point. It has became interwoven into my normal thought pattern; I let it become a part of who I am. If I wanted to attempt to pseudo-psycho-analyze myself, I could say I worry the most about what those people who I know don't accept/like me think. Which is so stupid since who cares what people who don't like me, for whatever reason I can't really control, think?

I do, that's who. It is not without good reason (at least from my perspective) that I worry about the moms of my step-kids and the people I work with. The moms have every reason to not like me: I'm the one He chose to be with forever. And at work....well, I am the minority, and I definitely feel it a lot of the time.

Most of the time, I still tell myself "I don't care what they think" even though it is me trying to convince myself of just that.

So.....there is that, now on to Day Two: Something you love about yourself.

1 comment:

Gorilla Bananas said...

It's a difficult mental block to overcome. Perhaps you need to give yourself the freedom to dislike people.