Work it, girl.

I weighed in yesterday, which was Day 7 of 30 Day Shred for me. I had to skip Monday due to eyeball malfunction and I skipped Saturday because of work and my niece's first birthday party. Even with missing these two days there has definitely been progress. 1.5 pounds lost in seven days. Woo-freaking-hoo!

I'm still on Level One, but I can feel such a difference in my endurance. I am doing the more advanced moves on at least half of the stuff that has beginner modifications and I switched from 3 pound weights to 5. I never even used 3 pound weights before when working out, but I wanted to ease into the 5 pounders because of all the stuff I read about 30 Day Shred making you more sore than you've ever been in your life. To that, all I have to say is, yes I was pretty sore for a couple days, but I don't know if its because I've done a similar workout in the recent past or what, but it wasn't that bad. Or I just think its worth it more? Who knows.

Diet-wise, I have been using the My Fitness Pal App on my iphone to count calories. I try to make good decisions and eat healthy. When we have a busy day and end up getting pizza for dinner, I keep it in check at very least.

I feel great so far, and Jillian Michaels is easy to tune out after you have heard her say the same thing 7 days in a row.

Shred.

Yesterday I did Day One Level One of Jillian Micheals 30 Day Shred. Right now, approx. 15 hours post workout, I can feel it in my biceps, abs and thighs. I'm positive tomorrow will bring the all over aches. I really liked it, although I got so hot I almost threw up, but every time it got bad, it would switch into recovery. I really like how just when you think you can't do a move any more, you are done with it and move on to something else.

Before beginning, I did something I have never done before: took pictures of myself with my stomach showing. They will only see the light of day if on Day 30 I take new ones, and there is visible improvement. While trying to capture my back side I did get this, which isn't too offensive and almost artsy-fartsy. And I wasn't even trying:

There I am from behind, tramp stamp and all. Thank you, iPhone, for not taking super high definition photos. And even though Jillian Michaels pretty much annoys the crap out of me, that is exactly what I need right now. I need something to push me.

Forty.

As I have mentioned before, I was raised Roman Catholic meaning every year around this time I contemplate all the things I tried (and usually failed at) giving up or doing better for the 40 days leading up to Easter.

I'm about as non-practicing as a Catholic can be. I'm not even a C&E Catholic (Christmas and Easter) I've become only a C Catholic. Blame my liberal arts degree and that minor I picked up in anthropology.

I have always loved a good challenge and, as an adult I still like to give up or commit to something during Lent, regardless of my current, actual mass attendance or buffet style (I pick and choose from a variety of belief systems) spirituality. I would like to make this the year I actually see something through. I am not sure if I have ever done this, if I did, I don't remember now.....

Anyways, I am, starting tomorrow, challenging myself to 40Days of Movement. Meaning I will get at least 30 minutes of moderate to high intensity exercise per day, for the next 40. I am not going to be picky about what form this exercise takes, it could be (but not limited to):

Walk/jogging
hiking
Wii-Fit activities
Dancing around my apartment
vigorous cleaning of the apartamento
Chasing children around a playground (ones I know, I'm not a creeper)

And basically anything that will get my blood pumping and my endorphins going.

Since I've already proven I can't blog every day (remember 30 Days of Truth? Yeah I'm just not witty enough to find something clever to say every day) I'm going to twitter about it. And if anyone wants to join me, tag that shit as #40DaysMovement and get sweaty along with me, because its always more fun than getting sweaty alone.

Let's endorphinize! And remember: Endorphins make you happy, happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't.

I couldn't have said it better myself. Husbands everywhere will sleep better :)

Day TwentySeven: Best.

I feel like the best thing going for me right now is the compilation of all the small things going well, considering our circumstances. Or perhaps my ability to accentuate the positive? Either way, here's a list of the good:

I have a job with decent benefits that is paying our bills. My family is amazing and the fact that tomorrow my oldest step-daughter will be seeing her sister for the first time in 3 years makes my heart swell. It won't be long until we get to spend time as a family of four again.

I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for. We recently pulled off a surprise benefit for one of the sweetest women I know who is battling cancer where we made over $6700. They keep me laughing and remind me of how important it is to let loose and have fun sometimes.

I've convinced myself exercise is something I just need to do each day, sort of like brushing my teeth in the morning and before bed. Just another part of the routine. This is already helping my mood, which usually takes a nose dive when it gets cold...and then another after Christmas, since its cold AND all the holiday crap is over and there isn't much to look forward to besides spring, which sometimes doesn't come until April or May. Since I've started now, I'll continue through the dead of winter and who knows maybe even drop a size or two in the process.

You see, its all good, if you look at things in the right way.

Lack of Words.

I don't have many words lately. Shocking I know.

I feel like I babble on and on too often about where I am going, and what's wrong and blah blah blah and I needed a break from all that self-reflection; some time to just be. It is not an easy task for someone who is constantly doing something, even if the something is worrying about x, y and z.

It seems to be working for the most part. I've been walking in the evenings after work, so I have someplace to go, something to be doing, something productive. I made it out 5 out of 7 days last week and I'm shooting for 6 this week.

Our one year wedding anniversary is coming up at the end of the month. I am hoping we can keep up good spending habits until then to go to a nice dinner at a local seafood place to honor our Florida honeymoon we took last year. Originally we had planned on going back for that week, but life happened and now we are going in February. I'm excited we'll be getting away from cold Ohio for a week, even if its still approximately 200 days away. Time seems to slip away much faster with each passing year of my life, so 200 days doesn't seem like such a long time anymore.

I feel like I almost have my head on straight again for the first time in a while and it is nice.

What day is it?

Life goes on. I keep going. There are a million and a half things going on for me right now. I've stopped caring when I can't remember what day it is right away in the morning time. If its still dark out and the alarm is going off, it means get out of bed and exercise. If I wake up on my own to pee, its probably about 7:30 and I forgot to turn on said alarm or its the weekend and its time to go back to sleep. If the sun is shining through my windows, its probably the weekend, which means I need to get up at some point and exercise before I do anything else.

I went to Chicago for work. It was fun times. It has also added to my confusion and made it painful to come back to work, but whatever.

Operation fit into dress is in full swing. I got real worried this morning (I'm having a I-feel-like-a-beached-whale-I'm-so-fat day, so that doesn't help) but I'm going to calm myself by calling the alteration place that did my wedding dress and see when I could bring it by, just in case there is something to be done to give me some wiggle room.

My niece should be here the day before my bff gets married. Which means I probably won't be there at the hospital, but I will get to go visit Sunday before going back home. I am still buying adorable tiny things for her. I love her already, and I haven't even met her.

I could not be happier for all these life changing events going on with people I hold so dear. Summer will be even sweeter this year though, because I'll have some serious down time starting Memorial Day weekend.

Ooooouuuuuchhh.

ET can relate....

I am a glutton for punishment. My thighs are screaming at me every time I sit, stand and walk right now. All in the name of friendship....and procrastination too. You remember all that talk of motivation back in January? Well, it didn't really sink in. I put on the bridesmaid dress I'm wearing on May 15th this past Saturday and there was absolutely no zipping. It fit better in January. (In my defense, in January I hadn't eaten anything that day and I had on my sleekest panties, when I put it on Saturday, it was about 9pm and I don't even remember what undies I was wearing...so there's that.)

Now I have begun intense workout/lock down on my eating habits because the eye of my mother-in-law (who has made her own clothes for years) says the dress can't be let out. I'm probably going to take it someplace where they do professional wedding attire alterations just to be sure, but I'm not holding my breath (or I should say, I will be, if it can't be let out. Hah!) or to see if there is anything else to be done to fit my larger-than-they-were-in-September hips, thighs and badonk-a-donk. (I like to make jokes...it makes it less depressing!)

Not talking to my bff who is the bride for said wedding about this predicament has been very hard, but I haven't. She is usually my go-to for anxiety comfort, since I've known her so long and she wouldn't lie to me and tell me "everything will be fine" unless it would be but I don't want her to worry about the size of my behind when I am worrying about it enough for both of us (and then some) plus she is the one getting married, and she has a zillion other things to worry about.

I'm really, ridiculously sore right now through the thighs because that's how intense the lower body workout part of this video is (a la Tabulous, thanks again chica, and if you want it back ever, lemme know!) but the husband keeps telling me its a good thing, because that means its working. I am trying to remember that I hobble around like a 75 year old woman with the arthritis, eat nothing but leafy greens, whole wheat everything and drink 5 gallons of water a day. Oh and almost falling down the back stairs of our apartment (that would have been the 3rd time in 2 years) due to a combo of stiff legs and wearing new shoes. Luckily I caught myself.

I have no one to blame but myself....but I'm not blaming, just finally being hardcore about things. Since my bod loves those endorphins, I'm in a better mood and pretty optimistic I'll be able to get into it again in time. I may not get smaller than when I had the dress on in January, but at least then I can stand there in it...and then not sit down all night...sitting is overrated anyways.

Motivation.

Here I am a short 5 months ago, rockin' my wedding dress and looking quite svelte ( for me at least).

Saturday was my own personal body image D-Day. The dress ordered back in September for my bestie's (seen above as the best MOH evar) wedding in May came in and we were going to pick it up. Would it zip? Wouldn't it? I was quite anxious.

Then it zipped. Hurrah! Could I sit and breathe at the same time in it? Definitely not! But I am beginning damage control on this issue this week, and I have 4 months to drop approximately 15 to 20 pounds lest I want to stand the entire evening of her nuptials. I'm acquiring a treadmill in the next week or so and the morning usage will begin. I have a good feeling about things, and I'm going to try and stay optimistic. I know from past experience the first thing to ruin my motivation and determination when it comes to weight loss is when I get inside my head and set up proverbial pessimistic camp. That is not an option.

And for some unknown reason, I am super excited to get a treadmill and use it every morning. Weeeeee!

Confession.

I had McDonald's for breakfast. Today. And yesterday. Ahhhhhh, I feel so much better. If makes it any less awful, all I got (both days) was a small coffee and a sausage mcmuffin. Yesterday's excuse was my 8:10am dentist appointment for a teeth cleaning (first of a bunch of dental procedures I'll be having over the next 3 months, read my recap of my new dentist here) which I refused to eat before (that just seems so counterproductive, no?) and today's excuse is....I felt like crap, got up late (although still squeezed in putting on makeup, that's how much I like my skin tone being even) and didn't have time for breakfast at home, plus I must caffeinate in the morning time, lest I lose my mind and/or fall asleep at work. I have this really annoying dry cough...and I've been sneezing a lot more than usual. It's probably a cold, I haven't had one in a forever.

I still parked farther away, even though it was pretty cold again today and I was a tid bit late, and I plan on taking a walk to the post office on my lunch break.

Hey look...it's already Wednesday, sweetness.

Walk it out.

Today began my "park farther away and walk more, fatty" campaign. This consists of parking in a bigger lot which is a bit farther away than one I've been parking in since winter hit. (I apologize for the less than clever name). I decided its not too frigid outside and hopefully it pays off a bit in the long run. My longtime best friend is getting married on May 15th no matter the size of my arse, but I would really prefer to not have to pay to have the dress I ordered 4 months ( and about 20 pounds) ago altered. Plus I'm the Matron (I REALLY hate that word, it makes me feel so....old.) of Honor, so I was to look extra nice since I'm the Bride's right hand lady. Husband is getting on track with me with the healthy eating as well. He wants us to cut out bread and pasta for starters and see how it works. I'm all about trying anything, so once all the bread in our house is gone, I won't be replenishing the reserves.

***
I (finally!) began using my Bare Minerals make-up yesterday. It is pretty much amazing and doesn't feel like make up at all, which is perfect since my #1 reason I usually go without anything besides moisturizer with SPF and if I'm feeling saucy, some eye stuff, is I hate the way make up feels. Now I can have a pretty even complexion without the ick factor most foundations give me. I have definitely seen a difference and I feel better inside and out because of this. Sociology taught me that we perceive ourselves how we think people perceive us (the looking-glass self, anyone? Charles Horton Cooley perhaps? Bueller? Man I miss school...) and it may be very superficial, but when I feel pretty on the outside, it helps me feel better about myself in my head.

Now if the eating and movement changes I'm putting into action stick, I may just be on the road to a new and improved me. Here's hoping.

Eight.

That is how many pounds I've gained since September. I know this only because I had an ear infection right around my birthday in September and went into the doctor for good old antibiotics. Once again, my ear is infected, so I made the 45 minute journey (I REALLY need to find a closer doc) on Friday to come face to face with the scale. Two months= 8 pounds heavier.

Some would suggest I should get a scale to have in my home so I could keep better tabs on things. If I wasn't obsessive about my weight- without a scale in my house- I totally would, but I don't think having 24/7 access to my body weight would help anything. It would most likely make things worse.

Two months of eating my emotions. Two months of "I'll start working out tomorrow" and "no more fast food after today" and a million other broken promises to myself.

I don't think there is anything harder for me than to NOT obsess over my weight. The one time I stopped thinking about it so much, when Husband and I got into that comfortable stage of dating about 3 years ago, I gained nearly 40 pounds. Then lost it, then gained some back, then lost a bit, now gaining again. It's absolutely exhausting.

I know he loves me for me, and he loved me 4o pounds heavier, but that can't convince me he doesn't think I look fat with barely anything on. Especially knowing what his past girlfriends look like, knowing they were much skinnier than me.

I feel anxious when I feel fat. I feel like I did as a kid who was overweight with frizzy hair and glasses.

My sister is pregnant, which I'm ecstatic about, but I am genuinely jealous that she's lost 13 pounds since conception due to constant nausea.

I'm working out again...using the video I used all summer before the wedding. I like it, and it definitely gave me results then, but the biggest thing that needs to change is my eating habits. I'm finding it very hard to eat healthy due to the cost of healthy foods more than anything. It's so unfair to have to choose between healthy food and budget friendly food.

Back on the wagon.

The weight loss wagon, that is.

Heeeeeeeey!! You go girl! (Don't worry, I'm definitely not Sweatin' to the Oldies or anything of the Simmon's nature)

This week I began working out again. My quads are still screaming at me and my abs, and my arms...pretty much my entire body from the neck down is pissed off. Just a bit over 2 months of not exercising will do that to me. I'm happy to be back at it, even if things are ridiculously sore. I'm already feeling better about myself between thoughts of how to convince my husband to install a soaking bathtub with jets into our apartment. That we rent.

I am still a bit in shock of just how sore practically every major muscle of my bod is....back in August, I was kicking this workout's ass 6 days a week and now, it has me walking like I'm 85. No joke.

Now if I could get my employer to turn on the godforsaken furnace things would really be looking up. Until then, I'll sit layered and huddled near my tiny heater for warmth.

No words.

I have began and quit writing this post two times already today. I'm having issues figuring out what I'm feeling, because I'm feeling many things at once.

I'm angsty. I'm facing the fact that I loathe my job and since I've been at it for over one year, I'm comfortable with the idea of looking for something else. Too bad the economy sucks right now. And I'm way overpaid for what I do. And anything I might like to do probably won't pay nearly as well. And I'm the breadwinner.

I'm sad I don't know why. Perhaps its the being 25 and not having a clue where I want to be thing, besides not where I am (career wise). Or because I feel like crap about myself since we got back from the honeymoon and my eating habits have been awful and I haven't been exercising like I should.

Add in the fact that I have been smoke free since Sunday (trying to not dwell on this....I want to make it stick for once) and I'm a big ball of craptastic ick today.

I need to focus on one thing at a time, but I feel like I can't do that right now. I just keep jumping from one thing to another worrying about one a bit, then moving on to the next, not really accomplishing anything.

The answers are easy:
1. Finish Master's, take on teaching part time to supplement income/provide a buffer for crappy job while looking for something better. Then continue teaching if I find something that pays a bit less and deal.
2. Meditate and Freaking. Exercise. (this is gigantically easier said than done for me right now)
3. Use will power while around friends who are smokers for a few weeks and I should be in the clear. Drinking will be the ultimate test.

It all sounds so easy but it all seems so overwhelming to me right now. Blarg.

Secrets etc...

What secret speaks to you this week?

***

Tomorrow I meet with my advisor. I WILL finish my Master's this time. This will be my second time since I finished taking classes that I've told myself this, but this time, its happening, mostly because my job is sucking the life (and brains) out of me and I'm going to need all the help (or degrees) I can get to find something I might actually enjoy doing. And that pays at least equivalent to what I'm making now, if not more.

Today I start exercising regularly again. Ask the husband, I've been a ball of mood swings lately, and I'm sure its directly related to my lack of activity. Not only do I pretty much thrive on those endorphins but it makes me feel good about how I look, which makes me even happier. Right now, I feel like a big fat blob. It probably doesn't help that I've been eating much like a college student PLUS I went to Oktoberfest this past weekend and drank a half gallon (ever so classy, straight from the jug) of beer and ate tons of fried things...but such opportunities only come but once a year. It was a very fun time and I didn't freeze to death sleeping in a tent due to wearing the following:
two thermal shirts
a hoodie
a Columbia Fleece zip jacket
a hat
gloves
Tights w/fleece pants over them
two pairs of socks
slipper boots
and most importantly, a well established Beer Coat.

Last year, we did not plan well, and tried to sleep in the back of Husband's Passat Wagon. Two people of our robust-ness do NOT fit comfortably in the back of a Passat Wagon, trust me on this one. It was the worst sleeping experience of my life, hands down. So this year, with our two person tent, sleeping bags zipped together and tons of blankets, it wasn't half bad. Next year though, we may invest in an air mattress.

Happy Monday.

Long.

Long weekends: they rule but have a way of leaving you exhausted and wanting more. 3 days off is not enough. Only about 3 months until the honeymoon week of nothingness on the beach in Florida. It can't come soon enough.
We somehow managed to hang with some friends and see both of our families over the weekend. We were very well fed, but not very well rested and spent a crazy amount of time in the car. My family is about 45 minutes from where we live, and his is about an hour and half, depending on traffic. Very worth it though, we had a great weekend. I think I'm a little more than bummed that it is over. Oh well, must press on with life.

We are going to take the invite materials to the printer tonight...hopefully the price is similar to my calculation of around $30 since money is a HUGE issue right now...there just doesn't seem to be enough for our already low budget wedding.

I've been striving to be as active as possible every day...even if it means doing the free step mode on the Wii Fit for 30 minutes while watching TV at night. I did that last night...but this was after I fell asleep on the couch for an hour. It was one of those "I didn't even realize I was asleep until my phone rang and woke me up" types of naps.

I have work I should be doing but can't seem to get motivated. Blarg.

I promise to have more interesting things to say next time.

Fail.

So last night I weighed in for the first time in a month due to various reasons. I was out of town for work, and then we were too poor for me to go and then last week I didn't want to face the scale so I used a pass.

I gained 3.4 pounds in a month.

Now, to most people this isn't anything, but to me, this is an epic fail. It could take me another month to month and half to lose this again and the worst part is I've been doing the gym thing 3 to 4 days a week for the past three weeks. So I can pretend this is part of the gain; I'm toning muscles I haven't used in well over a year causing my mass to increase but I also have been half-assing my tracking of food intake and not making good choices w/what I've been eating.

I'm not striving for perfection in my weight loss and I'm NOT doing this because of the wedding...but it would be great to feel confident about my arms the day of and also comfortable in swim suits on the honeymoon.

I know I can do this...but damn it sucks to gain when I've been sweating balls at the gym for the past 3 weeks!

To-Do

Last week's list:
Excerise every day. I did the gym Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and cleaned Friday and Saturday plus we got a Wii Fit and I played with it on Saturday and Sunday so I suppose I fulfilled this.
Write down everything I eat. Epic Fail on this. Have to try and do better this week. The weekends kill me every week lately.
Clear my head before bedtime. Tried to do this, and when I did, my dreams weren't crazy.
Not worry over things I cannot control. This is on an going battle, which I did try extra hard to do, and I really "lived in the moment" more than usual this past weekend. Wow, that's corny.

This week:
-Go buy myself something to wear for my Shower coming up at the end of the month.
-Get MOH the few addresses I forgot to include as shower invite people...oops!
-Possibly schedule hair appointment, IF the money is there for such a thing right now.
-Enjoy my new tattoo :)

Seven.

My pal Tabs gave me this pretty:

and tagged me to create a "favorite seven things" so here goes (in no particular order)

1. Fiancé. He truly is my penguin aka lobster aka soul mate and ying to my yang.
2. Sleeping on freshly laundered sheets.
3. Giggling babies....they are infectous and you can't help but giggle with them.
4. The post-workout high. It is what keeps me coming back to the gym every day lately.
5. Lazy Sundays.
6. Chipotle....its like heaven in American-Mexican food form (to me at least).
7. Clothes shopping for Kiddo...I can't seem to buy myself much of anything these days, but I love buying her clothes.

I'm supposed to tag other peeps to do the same...but I'm pretty much a loser and only have the one follower who is the person who tagged me...so any secret stalkers out there feel free to make yourself known and post your 7 favorite things in a comment.

Coming up later: This week's To-Do list.

Possilbilities.

They're endless.

Yesterday I ran (jogged, but this is my version of running as of now) a mile on the treadmill at the gym. If I can do this, anything is possible in life.

I haven't ran a mile since the 6th grade when everyone had to for the president's fitness test. I faked turning my ankle with a very dramatic fall in an attempt to get out of this. It didn't work, and I remember being dead last out of all of the girls. It was pretty much humiliating and my time was something ridiculous like 18 minutes.

Yeterday's time was around 15 minutes. I didn't have any intentions of running...I was just going to walk on the treadmill, but once I got on there, I got the urge and then I didn't ever feel like I was going to die from lack of oxygen like it usually does when I run.

I haven't been proud of myself much about anything in a long while, but this deserves a gold star in my book.

Tuesday To-do

From last week's list:
Format/Design invites with Fiancé.
Ask him kindly to start gathering addresses for the ppl I gave him a list of a month ago.
Type up addresses from the family list my mother hand wrote.
Create Bridal Shower guest list for Maid of Honor, which I've been promising her for the past two weeks or so.

3 out of 4 isn't too bad....and we are going to mess around with the invites tonight.

This week's list is not wedding related, it is a list of things I need to do for myself in the next week:
Excerise every day.
Write down everything I eat.
Clear my head before bedtime.
Not worry over things I cannot control.

*EDIT/UPDATE 4/29/09*
We formatted the invites last night so that is taken care of...now we just need to get ink and start printing! Oh and I need to type up address labels with all the fancy Mr. & Mrs. crap too. 4 months from today is THE day Craziness!