Winter wins again.

I'm suffocating even though I still take breaths in.

I'm sinking but my arms don't remember how to swim.

I'm restless but I don't know where I wouldn't be.

None of this is even bothersome, it is all just mundane. It is all expected, familiar; boring almost.

I'm jealous, bitter, angry, sad, anxious and a million other feelings.

Perhaps I should get back on the wagon of weight loss (aka treadmill) if only there wasn't such a vicious cycle of apathy going on presently. I just don't feel like it, so I don't. Then I feel worse, so I don't. Maybe I should remember how I felt two short weeks ago? So easy to be optimistic after two weeks away from the most un-fulfilling part of my days.

59 days til Spring......

Repercussions.

I try very hard to stay positive. To remember how lucky I am in life.

No matter how many times I remind myself of this, I can't seem to regain the optimism I had before I left college. All I can do is look back and think of how naive and foolish it was.

When you fall short of what you've expected to achieve in life, of the goals you set up for yourself, knowing you could have done it, but for some reason you flaked, somedays its hard to get out of bed in the morning. I am my own worst critic, and disappointing her isn't much fun.
When Thursdays are just a night of decent television, instead of the beginning of weekend and when the day after day of working 8 to 5 drains the light from your eyes, its hard to remember was optimism is. Hell, its hard to remember what day of the week it is sometimes.

But I keep going...trying to figure out what I can do to change things. Sometimes that doesn't get me very far either.

I try and not think of these things often. I push them to the back of my mind, along with the massive amount of money I pay to bills each month, and how much my job is more of an annoyance I deal with so I can pay those bills than a career. I look at my husband and remember I'm not alone. I have things to be happy about. I shouldn't waste my time on all this negativity.

Days like yesterday tend to bring all that negativity back to the forefront, so I blog and vent and try and not be a complete beeotch to anyone who I come across until I talk myself out of it once again.

It's exhausting.

One Day at a Time.

I've been in a serious rut of self-loathing and overall bad-moods lately. I'm hoping the changes I've been striving to make in my day to day living will help with this. The biggest being working in more physical activity. Saturday and Sunday both included walks to the library and tonight I'm planning on a stroll around town, scoping out homes for sale (even though we are in no position to buy right now, but hey I can still look) and enjoying the fall leaves. I'm taking a daily women's mulitvitamin along with a daily allergy medicine. Once we have money again (Friday) we'll be overhauling how we eat. I know with the right steps I can combat things on my own.

I'm very wary of going to the doctor about things. First, I don't even like my primary care doctor's office these days nor do I have a specific doctor I see or who even recognizes me anymore. The office that was once a small practice has been industrialized into an incorporated (probably hospital owned) business that isn't comfortable anymore to me. Second, I don't want to be medicated. I have talked to a handful of my friends about depression/anxiety meds and all of them say although they felt overall less depressed or anxious they didn't feel like themselves and their sex life beame pretty much non-existent while on things. That's not going to work for me, so I'll press on, taking things one day at a time (or at least trying to).

Blah blah

So I haven't had many nice things to say lately...therefore (according to the golden rule) and have been choosing to say nothing at all.

I'm frustrated once again about things in life to the point of it putting me in a not so happy place. And my inability (aka laziness/apathy) to change some really bad habits I've fallen back into. And this stupid earache I have will not go away. And I could go on, but I won't, to avoid bumming out who ever actually reads this thing.

Hopefully tomorrow I will awake with a renewed sense of determination. Or at least something to help me not be so pissy all the damn time.

No words.

I have began and quit writing this post two times already today. I'm having issues figuring out what I'm feeling, because I'm feeling many things at once.

I'm angsty. I'm facing the fact that I loathe my job and since I've been at it for over one year, I'm comfortable with the idea of looking for something else. Too bad the economy sucks right now. And I'm way overpaid for what I do. And anything I might like to do probably won't pay nearly as well. And I'm the breadwinner.

I'm sad I don't know why. Perhaps its the being 25 and not having a clue where I want to be thing, besides not where I am (career wise). Or because I feel like crap about myself since we got back from the honeymoon and my eating habits have been awful and I haven't been exercising like I should.

Add in the fact that I have been smoke free since Sunday (trying to not dwell on this....I want to make it stick for once) and I'm a big ball of craptastic ick today.

I need to focus on one thing at a time, but I feel like I can't do that right now. I just keep jumping from one thing to another worrying about one a bit, then moving on to the next, not really accomplishing anything.

The answers are easy:
1. Finish Master's, take on teaching part time to supplement income/provide a buffer for crappy job while looking for something better. Then continue teaching if I find something that pays a bit less and deal.
2. Meditate and Freaking. Exercise. (this is gigantically easier said than done for me right now)
3. Use will power while around friends who are smokers for a few weeks and I should be in the clear. Drinking will be the ultimate test.

It all sounds so easy but it all seems so overwhelming to me right now. Blarg.

Heartbreaking.

August 2006

February 2007

March 2007

April 2007

July 2007

I woke up thinking about Little One this morning. I don't know why....there weren't any strange dreams about her, she was just on my mind. I really try to not think about the situation with her too much...it is so unfair and just plain not right. It really upsets me if I dwell on it for too long. Fiancé hasn't seen her since September of 2007, unless you want to count the day he went for the paternity test in August of 2008. He is such a great Dad and Little One is missing out on having him as a father along with being a part of a great extended family.

It really just breaks my heart that there is so little that can be done. Fiancé did what he could. He went and filed the paper work last April, he obtained an attorney, and now, almost a year later, nothing is resolved. The case was somehow terminated when Little One was moved out of state and since her mother was single when she was born, her mother has the right to do that. She has the right to keep a child from its father? A father that is willing to pay support and wants to be in his child's life? If said child's father was a drug addict or rapist I can see where this could apply, but said child's father is a good person....but that doesn't matter because they weren't married so he basically has no rights whatsoever, and the little he has, no one seems to care about.

Heartbreaking.

...

(editor's note: I had typed about my few short relationships before Fiance, but decided they don't even matter, cause it's in the past)

fast-forward to 2005.  I was bored with the single life.  Dating a bunch of guys since the break up who I knew were no good for me led me to a particularly bad guy which made me hang up the reins for a while.  Then along comes Fiance.

Things have been so different with us.  We took things so slow in the beginning I can't believe I had the patience for it....all I could tell my friends was, "its so different with him than how it was with anyone else" blah blah blah.  We didn't see each other much so we appreciated the time together so much more.  All his baby related drama has never really been an issue for me, I want him including all the stuff that entails him.

So, my point I have finally arrived at...if our relationship was so different in the beginning...so great and shiny and we never fought about anything and all that jazz....how come we have fallen into the same problems all relationships have?  Okay, wait, I know the answer to that...its normal, thats what happens, but I have to point out, things were better before we were officially engaged.  Its this fucking wedding.  Not the fact that we are getting married.  The whole lifetime together part of the bargain doesn't cause us any strife, its August 29 that is causing all the problems.

Ever since we got engaged things have sort of gone to shit in my eyes.  Not the fundamentals of our relationship...we love each other and are going to be together and that is the bottom line, but all of the sudden, the way we talk to each other has mutated into something I don't like.  I don't feel like he knows me at all sometimes...like we have the same argument and he can't just take me at face value and realize I'm flawed and not tell me to stop worrying and be sort of stand offish about it, but hug me and tell me its okay.  Oh and that NOT fighting a lot in the beginning is biting us in ass because we aren't seasoned in it yet....I'm not used to it and most of the time, it just makes me cry....more because I'm angry than sad, but sometimes its both.

He (STILL) doesn't seem to get how all the stupid fucking wedding related stuff is all on me.  I haven't done anything for it in two weeks, including talking about it and he jumped all over me about wanting to go to the tux place just to get prices.  And he acts like a fucking 5 year old kid "well how long is it going to take" and sighs and acts like I'm making him go with me to a book club meeting full of women who all happen to be on their periods (I'm not even in a book club, and if I was, he wouldn't be invited, but you get what I'm saying.)

I let it go today.  Whatever the men are wearing that is.  I told him I done with it, and he can figure it out himself since he made it clear he wants a say in what he wears early, but now when I want to get it taken care of when we have nothing else going on, he gets his panties in a bunch about it.

We should have fucking eloped.

I hate wedding planning.

Negative Nancy

I was not in a happy place when I woke up today...and it has taken me until now to pep-talk myself out of it.

I sometimes wonder if I need to go talk to someone about all of this anxiety I have. Is medication the answer? I really don't know. I always thought of things this way: everyone has their issues, and it all depends on how you deal and I work to deal with mine every day. Some days go better than others, but lately there have been a lot of angsty, sad and worried days. Maybe its the nupitals, maybe its the fact that I'm finally out of school and going to be 25 this year and don't really like my job. Or maybe its all of this. Or none of it.

Whatever it is, I am exhausted from dealing with said issues. I have all these constant worries that I can't get out of my head. Ranging from money, to health, to relationships to family...just about every aspect of my life. Mostly they are things I cannot control....or that I try to control and fail miserably.

Maybe I need a happy pill. Maybe I need a drink, but whatever the case is, I need something I'm not getting to help me not be such a cranky bitch so often.

self-medicate.

I think I might have the half bottle of wine in my fridge for dinner tonight.

I can't seem to EVER feel like I have control over our finances. All I do is worry about all the different payments...even though we ALWAYS pay everything on time and even have a bit left over sometimes. Which that will probably change with my $363 a month loan payment beginning next month.

I just don't want this constant state of worry anymore. I have an unconventional wedding to worry about...that is enough for one chica.

I wish I had some cash...I'd buy a lotto ticket on the way home if I did.

He makes me so crazy sometimes.

We are spending money and looking nice for our wedding day and for some reason, he has some huge fucking problem with telling people what I don't want them to wear to an event WE are paying for to celebrate OUR fucking wedding.

"I just don't want people to think they are coming to an uptight wedding"

Telling them they can't wear jeans, shorts or sleeveless shirts if they are a guy is not telling them what to wear, its telling them to not look like they are going to a fucking bar for a night of drinking.  I don't feel like that makes us seem uptight at all, I think it just tells them we are trying to be a bit classy.

Because honestly the reason I did that question/answer for the FAQ in the first fucking place is because of all the goddamn band/bar type people HE'S INVITING.  They are the reason I'm worried about space....most of them I could care less about sharing our day with because I barely know them.  They are the reason I'm worried things will get broken because they will get shitfaced and stupid. They are the eye sores I do not want to fucking look at the day I get married nor do I want in pictures.

But being the good partner I am, I keep such thoughts inside because they are his friends and I take him as is, icky gross friends and all.

He just keeps throwing these random objections at me....things I never think he wouldn't be okay with he has huge problems with.  Other things he is either on board for or just plain doesn't care either way.

I'll say it again: Boo wedding planning.

Post Snow-Day Blues

Yesterday was a fun day. Fiance was taking a day off anyways (his work ruled that instead of laying someone off, everyone has to take 5 unpaid vacation days in the next three months) so we got to hang out since I got a snow day. Getting up and having to go to work after such a fun day sucks. I'm a little bummed due to this. So, in effort to lift my spirits, I shall post photos of what could very well be my wedding dress:

It is a bit too small in these pictures, so you see things you shouldn't and won't if I decide on it, but everytime I look at the pictures it makes me want it a little bit more :)

ick. ack. eck.

Do you ever have days where you are just off?

I imagine something is wrong in somewhere in world, or even the universe, and for some reason, its affecting me. I just feel bad, very unhappy and blue. I can't seem to talk myself out of it like usual. I know it will pass, but damn, it sure does make things annoying in the mean time.

Oh and it doesn't help that I am already stressing a smidgen about the wedding I haven't even been proposed for yet. That is probably the most of it. I'm getting impatient, and I can't start planning until he proposes and I honestly don't know when that will be.

Bleck!