Problema.

How......................?

How do you tell the person you have been with for 6 years, who has thought for those 6 years you didn't want children that you suddenly do?

Well, besides just saying it. I guess I need to come out of the baby-making closet.

Side note: I'm sort of stubborn, and I tend to hate eating my words when wrong. A lot. I'm trying to remind myself the advice of my lovely bff: "You are allowed to change your mind; you don't have to justify it to anyone." and also, "Who cares about them? (the people who will say, but I thought you didn't want kids? and I knew you'd change your mind!) They don't matter anyways." I love her. She is the part of my brain that all my insecurities tend to drown out a lot of the time.

I haven't exactly made a decision about it either. I did not wake up one day (like so many people told me I would) and know I wanted to make a baby. That stupid biological clock everyone talks about has began ticking. Ever so quietly in the back of my mind. Plus the fact that I am literally surrounded by babies and pregnant women everywhere I turn. And then they are all over Facebook as well. F*cking Facebook. I do not blame them, because we are at prime baby-makin' age, but it doesn't help my current predicament either.

I've never expected to wake up and just know. It was the same bullshit when I was wedding dress shopping. Everyone said, "You'll *just* know when its the right dress!" I never felt that, and then the dress I chose wasn't even what I ended up getting hitched in.
So yeah, I'm not expecting divine intervention and "just knowing" to happen. I'm much too logical for that.

The main reason I had thought in the past that I didn't want kids was my own awkward and sometimes painful adolescent experiences. I think the fact that I am finally coming to terms with them, forgetting the bad and remembering the good has caused this change of heart.

Plus my adorable niece is NO help. I mean she is the cutest thing in the world to me. Just look at her:

Showing off her sticking-her-tongue-out skills.

The Husband's new work schedule has him on nights right now, but Saturday he is off a bit earlier so I'm planning on dropping the bomb then. So much of me committing 100% to having a baby hangs on his reaction and if he wants to as well. I don't want to unless he wants to.

I'm doing it Saturday. It needs to be done. It must be done.

Day Sixteen: Without.

Someone or something you definitely could live without.

One word that didn't exist 10 years ago: Facebook.

I have written here and here about how I love to hate the social networking site to end all social networking sites. Just last night, I begrudgingly logged on, because I needed to do something besides sit on the couch and vegetate, to find a friend request from my most recent (circa 2004) ex. It is bad enough he has moved back to the area and I have to see him in person again, but now he wants to be present online as well. I'm letting him dangle in friend-limbo (Frimbo, perhaps?) for a while. Eventually I will approve and then hide him from my newsfeed. I could really care less what is he up to, but I don't want to be that girl who denies friendships on Facebook. (Do you see why I hate it? I shouldn't care about being that girl, but I do.)

I've recently become friends with Little One's mom on there, which I am still sort of paranoid about choosing to do so, but its too late now. The damage is done, the friendship requested and approved. No turning back. I saw it as a peace offering, and as a chance to let her put together that I am the same girl she used to stalk on Myspace so many years ago.

I have seriously considered deleting it multiple times in the past 6 months, but then my healthy dose of "I won't know what's going on" fear kicks in, so I just tend to limit time I spend on there.

Cue U2 singing With or without you....because that's me and the Facebook.

In all seriousness, I could live without it, but I choose not to. I'm too invested at this point....too many pictures of my adorable niece have been uploaded, so some days I pretend like it doesn't exist and I actually, you know, spend time with my friends in person.

It strikes again.

Stupid Facebook.

I knew it was going to happen, just not this soon. Little One's mom (who used to stalk Husband on another social networking site, and stalk me and send me emails with lies trying to get to me to break up with him) wants to be friends with us on Facebook. Husband wanted to say "we can be friendly but I wouldn't call us friends" but he didn't know how, so he told her he would be alright with it, but maybe wait until we see each other more (as in, the mom and me). I told him whenever she requests/he approves, he needs to get into his settings and make some changes for what she can see. I know her type. She will be all up in our business. I think he is so glad they are getting along so well he doesn't want to rock the boat, and I am in the same opinion, plus we would get to see pictures of Little One and what not, its just scary? Nerve-racking? Stress-inducing? (All of the above.) I don't update my every move on Facebook anyway, but with her in the mix, I'm going to feel the need to censor myself. And I worry the crazy will come back. I worry the same girl who sent me messages telling me that she's sorry but my (then) boyfriend cheated on me with her and how "they were really serious about getting married some day" (which wasn't the least bit true) will reappear and cause a bunch of unneeded drama in my life.

Maybe she is a changed woman. Maybe she'll continue to play nice and eventually we will turn into some 21st century thing that sort of resembles a quasi-family. I would actually really enjoy that scenario, but the worry is still there, and probably will be there for a few years.

So there you have it, yet another reason Facebook is the devil.

Facebook.

Facebook is the devil. I've been saying this for some time now, but recently it has really hit home. Why you ask? I'll tell you in this handy list:

-I know way too much about people I haven't seen in person in over 5 years. So and so got a new car? Awesome. Whatshisname just got hitched? Cool! (Actually, I don't give a shit.)
-Just when you think TMI has reached its highest level, someone else shares something no one needs to know.
-I've gotten more "wow I haven't seen you since high school, you look great!" than one person needs in a lifetime. Thank you, Random Person From High School, for reminding me of my awkward youth. Congrats on birthing multiple children, working at the same job you had back in the day and still living in our hometown. Keep on living the dream!
-People from college "who love their life and are SO blessed and lucky and about to go on their 15th vacation of the year and then create an album called Sweet Summertime with 150 pictures of them and their girls in bars and in bikinis blah blah blah" are driving my slowly insane. I'm all about being thankful, but can we say narcissistic? And seriously, where the hell are these people getting their money from?? Is there some secret underground money laundering going on that I am missing out on?

Why don't I leave the Facebook, you say? It's not that easy. I've contemplated this long and hard, and you can't just walk away from it. People will talk. Statuses will go un-updated. Birthday wishes will not be given! Invites will not be rsvp-ed to! No, when it all boils down, I'm a bit narcissistic myself, which is why I ended up with all these Random People From High School as "friends" online. I wanted to toot my own horn so to speak. Awkward youth be damned! I'm all grown up with a job and a hubby!

Is that so wrong? (yeah I know, I'm no better than Whasthername and her Summertime album...)

TAT: Facebook faux pas

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If you don't know me, I was recently married. We got engaged on Christmas and married in August 29, 2009. Like most 20something's in this country, my online networking sites validate life's changes, so I was quick to change my relationship status on good old Facebook.

About 4 months ago, an ex-roommate I pretty much avoid contact with because she is bat-shit crazy (and not in a good way) re-friended me on Facebook.

Yes I said re-friended. She randomly deleted me on both Facebook and Myspace a while ago. For no apparent reason. Like I said, CRAZY in a very bad way.

I approve her, after giving her crap for deleting me and then wanting to be friends again, she says if she deleted me (which she did, I don't care enough to delete people) it was on accident. Riiiight.

A month goes by, and then I get the "OMG your engaged?!" comment to which I respond,
"yep."

Then about a month before the wedding, I get this lovely exchange from her:

HER: So how did he propose? Was it romantic and sweet? I'm sure ---- will be clumsy and drop the ring lol

ME:It was cute...he was acting pretty strange so I sort of knew something was up.

This is all I say because I don't feel like sharing a very private moment of ours with her let alone my facebook wall.

HER: Ha ha. -----took me to look at rings. Thats the romance i get. I had a ring all picked out but when they told me it was over $4000 I said hell no I'm not paying that much for metal. His family suggested a pawn shop since first marriages never last

GOOD INTENTIONED MUTUAL FRIEND: wow ----, way to be optimistic lol

At this point, I'm pretty baffled when I see this. Who says things like that to someone who is getting married in a month?! I wasn't sure what to do....let it lie or respond...I contemplate and an hour later respond:

ME: Seriously. He's stuck with me forever, no matter what...that's just part of it to us, working through rough spots and stuff.

Point-blank why I choose not to have this woman in my life anymore. She also texted me on Sunday (which was my 25th birthday):

Happy Birthday! Your a quarter of a century old!

Yes, thanks for the reminder...like I haven't heard that 25 times in the past week.