This Step-Mom's take.

Unless you live under a rock, you know Sunday is Mother's Day.

It's a weird day for me, being a part-time-parental-unit-type-person that I am.

My mother, being the amazing woman that she is, always gives me a card and a little something, because she knows all the motherly type things I do for the girls. On the flip side, my husband, being.....my sometimes dense but oh so lovable husband, doesn't do squat. I'm okay with both these things.

I am not a mother. I'm the wife of a father.

Sometimes I do get the inkling I know what it feels like to be "mom". Those moments when Little One sits on my lap and absentmindedly holds my hand and sort of pets it, or when the Kiddo says something so poignant and wise beyond her years. My heart swells for a moment and I think, thank you, who ever/what ever/the universe for bringing these girls to me.

But, alas, those moments are fleeting; I'm snapped right back into place with exchanges such as this one, last weekend in the car:

Little One: "Daddy I need a drink of water please."

(Husband was driving, so I grabbed the bottle of water and handed it back to her)

Little One: (not missing a beat) "Uhh, I asked my Daddy for some water, not you."

Step-Mom Me: "Well, Little One, (I actually busted out her full name, which neither of us exactly like in the first place so we usually call her by a shortened version the husband came up with shortly after her birth) Daddy is driving, so that's why I'm getting it for you and you can ask me for it next time."

Tiny reminders of how I'm not mom. How he is always preferred by the girls to me, with good reason, no doubt, but still it stings a bit.

I read an article on CNN about one step-mother's anguish about not having the relationship with her step-daughter that she thought she should. And how Mother's Day is so hard for her. (I'm not linking to said article because I honestly don't like how it was written or what she had to say.)

I don't see it like that. I don't have any expectations when it comes to my relationship with the girls. I just let it be what it is. I don't try and make it something its not; I'm not trying to be their best friend nor am I trying to be their mother. I do try my very hardest to be a good example; a positive female role model. I try to show them there are many ways to look at things and how being different from others is quite alright.

I am happy to have a front row seat to their lives, with a smidge of influence on who they will become.

So Sunday, as my step-daughters are giving their mothers handmade cards and probably little gifts made at school, I'll be quietly thankful I get to be part of their existence.

And that fact alone is enough for me.

Kiddo and I, at an amusement park last Summer.

Little One and I, December 2010

A Change Would Do You Good.

I like to pretend I'll commit to new projects, and be consistent. Then I'm not.

The 40DaysMovement project sort of fell through, although I am starting the 30 Day Shred video today after work, and I'm excited to do so. I need a kick in the ass, and I know annoyingly fit Jillian Micheals will do it for me.

I want to try to resurrect the Snapshots project though, especially with all the stuff coming up for us. We'll see how that goes.

Oh well, call me a bad blogger, if you will. I do always come back, eventually, making up excuses (mostly for myself) about why I, once again, failed to stay consistent at posting. Or exercising. Or much of anything. Oh well. I'm going to forgive myself this time, and not dwell.

Besides, I mostly write this blog for my own little documentary purposes, even if they are meager at best. So I'm really only letting myself down.

Anyway.

Crazy-exciting news. We are moving. As of June 1 we will no longer be in our hippish-small town, but in Surburbia. I will miss our little town, but the 'burbs have their perks, both in the physical space we call home, and in a more general, accessibility of things. It is a ranch style duplex-condo-apartment-half house type of dealy. (I don't like the word "duplex" so I'm having trouble naming it.) It is one building, with two units. The landlord lives next door, and she is pretty cool, and we tend to keep quiet these days anyway.

The new place perks:
One story aka: no more 21 steps of death.
Garage. YAY.
Washer/dryer hookups meaning no more laundry mat.
Utility room. No more cat box in the ONE storage closet we have.
Side patio
Backyard
Ceiling fan in living room
Coat closet in living room ie: for shoes, coats and board games. (yay storage.)
Gas range, I grew up with one, and prefer it to electric.
1.5 baths, which is FANTASTIC since I have a husband who enjoys camping out in the bathroom sometimes, if you know what I'm saying.
3 bedrooms ( More STORAGE!)
Attic above the Garage...did I mention I'm really excited about the Storage?

I am now realizing we have basically be living with all of our crap in plain sight since we moved into together. Neither place we've lived has had ample storage. The amount of storage in this place is making me giddy. I thrive on a tidy home, and being able to store the less visually appealing things we own makes me so very happy.

Let's say it one more time: STOOOOORRRRRAGE! Yay.

This is place is literally within walking distance to the husband's work, a fishing pond and a huge playground. It is also a 5 minute drive to some really great friends. Target and Kroger's are right down the road.

I think it will be a great change for everyone, even the girls. We discussed the fact that the move puts more distance between them and us. The husband pointed out the way things are with both of them, being 1 hour away is no different than being one town away; we are (sadly) not included in their lives with their mothers and their maternal families. So he is 100% alright with us being closer to my hometown than his and subsequently, further from the girls as well.

New half casa, in iPhone photos (nothing exciting, since it's just empty rooms, but pics nonetheless):

Living Room, from front door, with husband in doorway to kitchen

Kitchen, side door to patio is left of Fridge, Hallway right of oven, Utility Rm right of Hallway

Full Bath, from main entry (one of the lights is out, hence the super bad lighting)

View standing in Master, looking through the half bath into the full (there are pocket doors)

The packing has began. And I have some plans to document the move. Good things to come!

La Familia.

This is why I can't help but want to procreate with this man. Moments like this.

I should probably ask him about it....

Problema.

How......................?

How do you tell the person you have been with for 6 years, who has thought for those 6 years you didn't want children that you suddenly do?

Well, besides just saying it. I guess I need to come out of the baby-making closet.

Side note: I'm sort of stubborn, and I tend to hate eating my words when wrong. A lot. I'm trying to remind myself the advice of my lovely bff: "You are allowed to change your mind; you don't have to justify it to anyone." and also, "Who cares about them? (the people who will say, but I thought you didn't want kids? and I knew you'd change your mind!) They don't matter anyways." I love her. She is the part of my brain that all my insecurities tend to drown out a lot of the time.

I haven't exactly made a decision about it either. I did not wake up one day (like so many people told me I would) and know I wanted to make a baby. That stupid biological clock everyone talks about has began ticking. Ever so quietly in the back of my mind. Plus the fact that I am literally surrounded by babies and pregnant women everywhere I turn. And then they are all over Facebook as well. F*cking Facebook. I do not blame them, because we are at prime baby-makin' age, but it doesn't help my current predicament either.

I've never expected to wake up and just know. It was the same bullshit when I was wedding dress shopping. Everyone said, "You'll *just* know when its the right dress!" I never felt that, and then the dress I chose wasn't even what I ended up getting hitched in.
So yeah, I'm not expecting divine intervention and "just knowing" to happen. I'm much too logical for that.

The main reason I had thought in the past that I didn't want kids was my own awkward and sometimes painful adolescent experiences. I think the fact that I am finally coming to terms with them, forgetting the bad and remembering the good has caused this change of heart.

Plus my adorable niece is NO help. I mean she is the cutest thing in the world to me. Just look at her:

Showing off her sticking-her-tongue-out skills.

The Husband's new work schedule has him on nights right now, but Saturday he is off a bit earlier so I'm planning on dropping the bomb then. So much of me committing 100% to having a baby hangs on his reaction and if he wants to as well. I don't want to unless he wants to.

I'm doing it Saturday. It needs to be done. It must be done.

Forty.

As I have mentioned before, I was raised Roman Catholic meaning every year around this time I contemplate all the things I tried (and usually failed at) giving up or doing better for the 40 days leading up to Easter.

I'm about as non-practicing as a Catholic can be. I'm not even a C&E Catholic (Christmas and Easter) I've become only a C Catholic. Blame my liberal arts degree and that minor I picked up in anthropology.

I have always loved a good challenge and, as an adult I still like to give up or commit to something during Lent, regardless of my current, actual mass attendance or buffet style (I pick and choose from a variety of belief systems) spirituality. I would like to make this the year I actually see something through. I am not sure if I have ever done this, if I did, I don't remember now.....

Anyways, I am, starting tomorrow, challenging myself to 40Days of Movement. Meaning I will get at least 30 minutes of moderate to high intensity exercise per day, for the next 40. I am not going to be picky about what form this exercise takes, it could be (but not limited to):

Walk/jogging
hiking
Wii-Fit activities
Dancing around my apartment
vigorous cleaning of the apartamento
Chasing children around a playground (ones I know, I'm not a creeper)

And basically anything that will get my blood pumping and my endorphins going.

Since I've already proven I can't blog every day (remember 30 Days of Truth? Yeah I'm just not witty enough to find something clever to say every day) I'm going to twitter about it. And if anyone wants to join me, tag that shit as #40DaysMovement and get sweaty along with me, because its always more fun than getting sweaty alone.

Let's endorphinize! And remember: Endorphins make you happy, happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't.

I couldn't have said it better myself. Husbands everywhere will sleep better :)

Logic vs. Intuition.

Logically, my college educated, sociology laden brain is screaming, "NOOOOOOO! Baby is not the best choice!" But then there are millions of years of evolution inside me, quietly nudging, "BAAAAAAABBBBBBBEEEEEEEE, makeabaaaaaaabbbbbeeeeeee".

And it is slowly driving me nuts, the push and pull of it all.

So, since I love a good list, a made a pros and cons list for (possible) procreation. In no apparent order:

Pros:
-Will shut up biological clock
-Tiny clothes, shoes and hats w/ears
-Someone to take care of me when I'm old
-cousin for Baby M. (my niece)
-Sibling for Kiddo and Little One
-Having a mini-me (or mini husband in the case of a boy) would be cool
-Getting to parent the way I want, not tip toe around the hard stuff like I do w/the girls because I never want them to say in anger, "you're not my mother!" I already know that.
-Never a boring moment
-hugs and cuddles
-finger painting possibilities
-Being told "you two would make such cute babies!" makes me curious...
-Giving my husband the chance to do the baby thing, one last time when he will be there for all the milestones he missed out on with the girls

Cons:
-Body never the same
-Mass amounts of laundry
-Taking care of for 18+ years
-Another person to bathe, clothe, feed etc...
-Taking Dad time away from Kiddo and Little One
-Babies turn into kids who turn into teenagers (who, in general, are annoying at best)
-College $
-childcare costs (I doubt we could afford me to do the SAHM thing, sadly and that opens up a whole other issue with me: why have kids if I'm going to pay someone else to basically raise them?)
-doctor's visits
-sticky hands/faces
-Lack of sleep
-loss of identity

This is where I stand on the topic. 12 cons versus 12 pros. Completely torn.



***

My husband and I were watching a TV show last night and one of the characters was getting a vasectomy. He mentioned, "If you are 100% sure you don't want kids we should look into that for me". I all could say was I don't know. Twice. And that is a lot different than how I used to respond to such a discussion. I should have laid it all out for him right then and there, but I clammed up. I'm not so good at eating my words, and after years and years of claiming, "I like babies, as long as they are other people's" I am partially hung up on having to do just that.

I know there is not perfect time to have a baby, but at this juncture of our lives, I couldn't feel it is more wrong: we live in a two bedroom apartment we are quickly outgrowing (w/o another human being taking up residence) and I am on the verge of enrolling in a graduate program where I work while my husband is switching jobs, again (that is a long story, ending with panic attacks and his hair falling out). We don't even have a washer and dryer, we are kicking it at the laundromat once a week.

I just wish the nagging feeling that something is missing would go away, but I am seriously starting to doubt if it will on its own.

Experiment.

Today I am going to remember the happiest times over my two week furlough; I am thankful I got to spend that time with my husband, friends and family. I will remind myself of the benefits of my job; when I can't find the good things I will refuse to let it interfere with my over all happiness. At least for today. Tomorrow I start again, and see how that goes.

This is a definite one day at a time experiment. If I can apply this attitude every day for the next 21 work days, perhaps it will become routine? Perhaps I will awake to birds chirping and woodland creatures serenading me tomorrow? Anything is possible, right?

Today's benefit: how nice it is to have my own office (where I can take mini breaks to blog randomness).

So this is the New Year. Again.

It seems like just yesterday it was a year ago. Probably because one year ago I was lazing about watching bowl games much like I am today, but this year feels different. Even with its similarities, January 1, 2011 (I wonder how many times I'll write 2010 in the next month?) is a whole new world.

I really enjoy New Year's Eve. I always have. I know it is just a flip of the calendar but there is something so refreshing about it for me and my slightly OCD personality. Its a new start. A clean slate. This year I have discovered a new confidence in who I am and how I've grown in the past 365 days. It makes this day much happier, because there is no place to go but up.

2010 was not easy. It was as much a bitch as it was fantastic. I learned more about myself and quite possibly about life than I have thus far. Doors were closed and windows opened. I worried less and lived more.

My little family is finally united. That is the best part of all.

All is right in the world, or at least my world, for at least a little while.

Here's to a happy and healthy 2011. Cheers.

'Tis the Season.

Back in November I set up some guidelines for Holiday season sanity, to refresh:


-No crying (at least not of the sad, we-have-no-money kind, tears of joy are allowed.)
-No stressing (aka no skipping the gym for this girl.)
-No present buying for anyone but the 'rents and the kids. Period. (I have a problem with gift giving...I enjoy it way too much.)

I can't say I haven't cried since this was posted, but I can say the times its happened has been because of my job/my own personal crap....so I guess that's a half-hearted success?

I may have given up on going to the gym where I work every night but I've been on the treadmill in our living room at least 3 times a week (and that will change to at least 5 times a week since I'm off work starting Monday til January 3rd...not my choice, but my employer's who is hemorrhaging money and cutting our budget with furlough) and I can tell it is keeping me balanced. Who knows, maybe I'll start 2011 5 pounds lighter....but I won't know, since we don't own a scale (because I would obsess every fluctuation) so I'll just have to pay attention to the way my pants fit. Which I already do that pretty obsessively anyways. Good times.

We definitely have only shopped for the kids and the parents. So good job us. Even if I am being a baby and am secretly really sad for no presents from the husband. They are always my favorite at Christmas time....but we have so many Christmas futures, and when I think about it that way, it is not a big deal. Just the fact that we get to spend so much time together this year is pretty awesome. And it probably won't happen again for a long time so I'll enjoy it while I can.

The husband is on his 3rd interview for one job, and is waiting on a call back for a teaching position he open interviewed for last night AND a friend of ours just emailed him about a possible opening at his work. There is a good chance he will have something by January, which would be a great way to start 2011.

Now, if the insane baby dreams would stop, I could have a freakin' Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year ('s Eve Party....New Year's Eve is my FAVORITE.)

Til Next time.

Reunited.

Saturday Little One came to visit and to see her sister for the first time since 2007. It was a good day, besides being a little weird. Husband and I both talked to Kiddo after Little One left and she admitted it was strange, but we told her over time it wouldn't be.

I can't wait until it is just the 4 of us again....Saturday included Kiddo's Mom and my in-laws, just to cushion things a bit. The best part was when Little One asked "can I sit with you?" and we took the picture of the two of us. It is funny to think how she used to sit with me all the time when she was just over a year old....

Day TwentyEight:Prego.

What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

According to my subconscious, I'd birth a boy child, be sad for a second about it being a boy and argue with my husband over the name (he wanted Tyler Joseph, I wanted Tyson Joseph, we would call him Ty for short, in the real-awake world, I don't even like either.) Yeah, I had my first real, live I'm pregnant dream this week. I woke up sweating and relieved. And freaked out, because of how happy I was in the dream.

I've been sitting on the procreation-is-not-for-me wagon since my girlfriends started talking about having babies when I was a teenager (not having them 16-and-pregnant style, but you know, after they married some dreamy guy, while wearing big poofy dress). I still feel this way. All the pressure to shape someone's personality and oh the worry....I can only imagine the anxiety. I worry enough about my step-daughters, and they are even babies anymore. I have a laundry list of reasons of why I don't want to be pregnant/do the mom thing and won't go out of my way to put myself in that situation, but if it were to happen unplanned is completely uncharted territory.

I used to shrug it off and simply say, I don't want kids, until people sort of got what I meant (or I just completely avoided answering if it were someone I didn't know well) but now....I have no friggen idea what I would do.

***

It has started simply enough. I admitted to myself I am jealous there are two women in the world who have something with my husband that I don't: offspring. It is in the back of my mind 95% of the time.

Then I remember my own childhood. The teasing and name calling and bullying and the self-hate that started at an age in the lower single digits. I don't want my (proverbial) kid to go through anything like that.

Then I remember how amazing it was to see my niece all tiny and pink minutes after she was born.

Then I think about this: what's the point of having kids and then paying someone else to watch them 40 hours a week? While at the same time thinking: I would lose my damn mind being a stay at home Mom....then I think, well, maybe I would work part time.....

Then I think of how amazing my husband is with his girls and my heart nearly explodes because it is something I really love about him.

Then I think about how fantastic our marriage is right now. And how a new study just came out that 90% of parents reported decreased marital satisfaction after having a baby. That doesn't really bode well with me.

I will admit to being a bit of a control freak. I like to plan things. Babies (once they are conceived) can only be planned in naming and preparing for them but there are so many variables: you could have a fantastic pregnancy where you feel amazing all the time or you could be puking for the first two trimesters (like my sister). Your baby could be pretty much perfect (like my niece) or a mean baby (like one of my sister's friends little one, I swear, she was scowling at my sister in a photo, no joke) you could be supremely happy in the months/year following delivering a child or plagued with postpartum depression.

So I guess I can say, in all honesty, I have absolutely no clue what I would do if I got knocked up tomorrow. And since I've been on the pill for years now....the real question is: what would I do if I WANTED to get pregnant tomorrow? And the real answer is freak the eff out, cry, and tell my husband. That is all that is for sure.

Day TwentySeven: Best.

I feel like the best thing going for me right now is the compilation of all the small things going well, considering our circumstances. Or perhaps my ability to accentuate the positive? Either way, here's a list of the good:

I have a job with decent benefits that is paying our bills. My family is amazing and the fact that tomorrow my oldest step-daughter will be seeing her sister for the first time in 3 years makes my heart swell. It won't be long until we get to spend time as a family of four again.

I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for. We recently pulled off a surprise benefit for one of the sweetest women I know who is battling cancer where we made over $6700. They keep me laughing and remind me of how important it is to let loose and have fun sometimes.

I've convinced myself exercise is something I just need to do each day, sort of like brushing my teeth in the morning and before bed. Just another part of the routine. This is already helping my mood, which usually takes a nose dive when it gets cold...and then another after Christmas, since its cold AND all the holiday crap is over and there isn't much to look forward to besides spring, which sometimes doesn't come until April or May. Since I've started now, I'll continue through the dead of winter and who knows maybe even drop a size or two in the process.

You see, its all good, if you look at things in the right way.

Day TwentyFive/TwentySix: Life.

(I tend to suck at writing over the weekends, so here is two more posts to keep me on track)

The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Besides the biological fact that my body is functioning and keeping me alive? I think I am still here because of a few very important people.

First, my bff since the 8th grade. Adolescence was hard on me, but having one person who always took my side and often defended me to others really made things bearable. Now that we are adults (so weird to say still) and I look back and feel so damn lucky to have had her. I don't know if I would have made it through high school without her. Her house was my second home, and her mom is my second mom. We don't see each other nearly as often as either of us would like, but when we do get together it always feels like it used to...besides that we work 40 hour weeks and both have husbands.

Second, my sister. I remember being 6 years old and I got to ride along with her on a errand to the grocery store (she was 16 at the time). I didn't talk much, because I didn't know what to say to her but I remember thinking to myself, someday we'll be great friends and have so much talk about. And then we were. I was 16 and she was 26 and I would spend the night with her on the weekends mostly to not have to worry about a curfew, but also just to hang out. And to get advice on things I couldn't talk to our mom about. Now I'm 26 and she's 36 and I talk to her every day, either on the phone or through messaging. She's a mom and I'm a step-mom but I sometimes spend the night at her place still, but now it's so I can play with my niece. I'm pretty much obsessed with her, and I feel like I am supposed to be here to support my sister as she raises her.....but I still get advice on things I can't talk to my mom about.

Third, my husband. I've written more times than I probably should about how we met and how he balances me so well so I won't go there again. We don't have much money, we have more scheduling/event planning issues than a conference center and our relationship isn't perfect by any means (he does this pouty-child face while he stares at the floor and doesn't say anything whenever we have a disagreement, it drives me nuts) but at the end of the day, we love each other and we face all the problems together and that makes all the difference. I still get excited to see him when I get home from work every day. He has brought me more joy than I've ever known and he's allowed me to be the part of two little girls lives in the process, which I feel like is another part of the reason I am here. I know it can't be easy on kids when their parents are not together, so I really try to be a positive influence/role model for them as much as possible and I feel like that is part of why I met the husband, it be a positive female in the lives of these little girls.

Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Yes. Junior year of high school and because I was very depressed.

Looking back, I wish I could have known then what I know now....about how much stuff in high school doesn't matter, but I didn't. And it did matter back then; it was all that mattered. All that matters now though, is I didn't give up, I made it through, and life is so much more than 4 years spent in high school.

Day Ten: let go.

Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.

I honest-to-goodness do not have a person for this topic, but for the sake of the writing exercise (and since I'm going to see Little One and her mother tomorrow) a stretch would be Little One's mom.

I wish I didn't know her. She made the first year of the husband and I's relationship a lot more complicated than it should have been. I wish she could just be a crazy ex of my now husband, instead of the mother of his youngest child. I wish I would have pursued him right after I met him in September of 2005 (Little One was conceived in late November). But I didn't. And who's to say we would have made it if I had? Plus Little One would not be, and that would just be messed up. She was a part of our early relationship and seeing him with her, being there for the first night he kept her overnight....that was sort of something special.

Husband and Little One's mom are communicating well and getting along right now. I hope that continues...especially after I am added to the mix of things. Tomorrow. I'm nervous already.

The same thing can be said about Kiddo's mom, but there would be no Kiddo without her. So I'm learning to live with her frustratingly illogical, self-centered behavior; to take the road less traveled and not react when she does impossibly selfish things and obviously is not putting her daughter first. Or when Kiddo comes over stinky, time and time again. (She tells us she gets a bath once a week, Wednesdays when she is at her grandma's. Did I mention she is 8? Yeah.....that's a whole other post.)

So while I wish I didn't know these ladies, they are each one half of two little girls that I love. So I choose to deal with them with a smile on face knowing someday we won't have to see them nearly as much....and someday all of this could make a really good book.

Holi-don'ts.

I have already began dreading the next two months. I feel like it starts earlier each year, with Christmas nonsense already filling shelves of every store I've entered since last Sunday, and the TV commercials constantly reminding us of the things to come: Day after Thanksgiving sales, BIG DEALS, consume, Consume, COOOOONNNNNSUMMMME!

We are on a very extremely tight budget this year. With the husband losing his job and I being required to take furlough (long story short: campus will be closed from the week before Christmas until the Monday after New Years and one day of pay each month will be taken off my paycheck until next june, hurrah.) things could get hairy but we have a pretty exact plan of action when it comes to present buying. Mostly, not buying anyone anything besides the girls, Baby M. (my niece) and our parents (ONLY if we can figure out frugal joint presents for each set).

I'm also refusing to become stressed about family obligations. Plain and simple. If the girls can't be there, it will make me sad but I won't get all worked up over it. I'm already expecting my brother to muck everything up, with his "surprise" visit or ever changing arrival date (he is known for both, and while I know he doesn't do it on purpose, it always messes up already planned things....and when he's in another country with the Army its one thing, but he's in South Carolina for Pete's sake!)

So to re-cap Holiday Season 2010 Don'ts:

-No crying (at least not of the sad, we-have-no-money kind, tears of joy are allowed.)
-No stressing (aka no skipping the gym for this girl.)
-No present buying for anyone but the 'rents and the kids. Period. (I have a problem with gift giving...I enjoy it way too much.)

Did I use parentheses enough in this post or what?

Day Four: Forgiveness Part Two.

Something you have to forgive someone for.

This one is heavy. This one is going to suck to write. A lot. I have to forgive my father for being an Alcoholic. Which is huge, since my reaction to his drinking has always been anger. I've been angry at my dad for being an alcoholic since before I realized he was an alcoholic.

The complex part of things is he has always been a functional alcoholic. He went to work, provided us with the basics, and even spent time with us on the weekends. He taught us right from wrong as well as any high school graduate with trade school training could do. He took us to mass every Sunday and Grandmas's every Sunday afternoon for supper without fail. He projected the epitome of lower-middle class fatherhood. He has never met a stranger, and is friendly as you can imagine.

Yet my fondest memories with my dad were the Saturday afternoons I'd go with him to do his "sign ups". There I would sit, in smoky VFW and Legion Tap Rooms where I would spend a few hours playing songs on the jukebox, drinking Shirley Temple's and eating popcorn. It took me until I was about 22 to realize this wasn't normal quality time with a parent. I was getting impatient one day and a poured the rest of a can of beer into a clear glass with about 4 inches of golden liquid in it (I assumed they were both beer and was trying to speed up the process). Nope, it was whiskey. My dad sort of laughed at me for it, and downed it anyway.

I was never physically abused (and for that I am so grateful) but there was a great deal of emotional/psychological abuse. There was a time he was really wasted one afternoon when I was in high school. We got into an argument about something or other (which was usually a combo of three things: the speed at which I talked, him being hard of hearing AND being intoxicated) and I got scared. So scared I locked myself in the bathroom, crying. When asked why I had locked myself in the bathroom, I told him he was scaring me and he proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs on the other side of the door about how could I ever think he would lay a finger on me? He would NEVER do that. And he never did, but I can't count the amount of times things resulted in screaming and crying. I would say at least once a week during my teenage years and I witnessed it earlier than that, while my older brother still lived at home.

Since I moved out and we've all gotten older, there have been multiple times he's almost drank himself to death. The first is what made me finally realize he is an Alcoholic. The last time it came out that he switched to vodka because my mom wouldn't be able to smell it on him (whiskey was always his drink of choice with a beer....or four) and the people at the bar thought he was having a stroke before he lost consciousness.

I do not want to get that call one day....that he is gone because of booze. So even though I know, for a fact, my anger doesn't stop the drinking, I cling to it, because I don't know what else to be about it because it is so frustrating and I'm so stubborn (so much like him) about things.

The anger I feel about it is dumb. I know its a disease, I know it is so much harder than just stopping. I know he is now retired after working over 35 years and he doesn't know what to do with himself. I know there is probably some mental health issues he has and has never confronted. I know I have to forgive him for it, for being loaded most evenings of my childhood, for the memories of my parents fighting about it, resulting in him walking to the bar a few blocks from our house, for putting my mother through dealing with him all these years, its just hard. Hard to let go of anger I have been brewing for over half my life.

He hasn't drank since the last "episode" with the vodka (as far as I've been told) so I'm hoping things stay that way. Although it is very hard to be optimistic when he has "quit" more times than I can count and he always goes back and he never tries AA.

(Pleasantly)Surprised.

Child support procedures are pretty messed up these days. The amount my husband is responsible for paying each month was established on September 13. Approximately a week after this, he received a letter stating he was past due and owed X amount of dollars by the following Wednesday. After some quick math and a Monday morning call to the Child Support Enforcement Agency(CSEA for short) the reason was established: he owed back payments from the date he received the court papers. That was Father's Day. I guess they expect people to pull a number out of their hineys and save moolah whilst they wait 3 months for their court date where the actual amount of support to be paid is established?? I definitely gained a few wrinkles trying to make sense of that injustice.

(disclaimer: I know there are scumbags out there who don't care about seeing their children and/or financially supporting them, but the same rules applying to good fathers is a bunch of archaic bullshit that really needs to be reformed.)

But wait, this post was titled '(Pleasantly)Surprised' although there is nothing pleasant about that scenario. I know this, the previously described turn of events was scary, especially since once he talked to CSEA he found out he owed for September as well, which was not included on the back balance and to top it off, we were going into the first month of no paychecks for him due to getting downsized. Fantastic! I had more than one angry crying moment due to it all. It has been handled and he is current (for now) but it was not fun times for a couple weeks.

Moving on to the good part. Yesterday the husband got a phone call from Little One's mom thanking (whaaaaa? this is unheard of in our world) him for the money. She said she was very surprised at the amount and she told him its all going into a savings account she has for Little One. She also suggested meeting at a Chuck E. Cheese 15 minutes from us (they usually meet half way between where we live and where they live, which is 45 minutes away) for this week's visit and that it's all on her. This is coming from the woman who kept husband from seeing his child for years. I'm not sure why or how this change of heart has happened, but it is absolutely amazing.

The part about her thanking him really floored me. It makes me believe she doesn't feel entitled to the money, she feels grateful for it and that makes paying it each month a lot easier. This is much unlike Kiddo's mom, so it is nice to know someone appreciates it.

There was a brief conversation about me coming today, because the Chuck E. Cheese they are meeting at was the one I first met Kiddo at in March of 2007 but they are meeting at 4 so I'll still be at work. Plus I really want her mother to be alright with it, and have time to be ready for me to be there, so it will wait a bit longer. Plus I'm hoping for a sunny fall day/a trip to the park for me being there, because I'll probably cry and then I can hide it with sunglasses at least. I'm a crier, and the last time I saw this child she was a bebe still, and she fell asleep on me at his parents house, and it was precious, so there will most likely be tears.

I was guardedly happy at first at how well things are going with Little One, but that guard is just about gone. I'm sick of having to be so cynical; having to expect the worst, so its nice to see things continually getting better.

Now, if someplace would call the husband back about a job....

Epic.

The first Monday of my husband's unemployment we were at a county courthouse, filled with anxiety that had been building over the course of the last two years. His youngest child's mother and grandfather were also there. This woman, who has caused my husband all this strife saw me and gave a small smile and in that second, I decided to return the favor. Now, I'm not trying to take credit for how unbelievably well things went, but I don't think my presence and playing nice hurt a thing. I think it was good for husband I was there, and I feel a thousand times better about everything since I got to tell her myself how I have nothing but the best intentions for Little One. I even showed them a couple pictures of Kiddo as well.

Yes, she is crazy and hasn't told Little One this man she married, moved them out of state with and is now divorcing is NOT her dad yet (and they have been separated since November of last year) but a court ordered visitation schedule is in place (we should have a copy by next week via snail mail) and he is going to see her for the first time in almost 3 years next week. That makes me cry a little, both from happiness that things are finally back on the right track and sadness for the time they have both lost.

Husband and Little One, the last time he saw her, September 2007

One Year.

A year ago I was in the home stretch week before my wedding. I was ready to be married and even more ready to be in Florida for the honeymoon. Life was good and that week in Florida was spectacular.

So much can happen in a year. So much to make you realize what marriage is really all about.

Since I've became a wife I've also became a stepmother, an aunt and a godmother. Also a person who is capable of caring for a baby for extended lengths of time (I hadn't ever been alone with a baby for longer than a few hours before). I've become that married woman who doesn't want her own babies and I'm okay with it, even though society tends to freak out whenever it comes up. I'm learning how to bite my tongue occasionally and just be supportive but also how to ask him for help when I need it. I've learned how the dishes are not a valid reason to be angry, ever.

In 3 weeks I'll become the solitary earner in our household. To me, this is the scariest scenario to date. Just when I had finally gotten to a place where our finances were not a constant on my mind worry, his company decides to downsize the graphics department and relocate it to an office an hour and half away. Yes, he'll file for unemployment and yes, I'm sure he'll get it, but it is only a percentage and then there's Kiddo's child support to pay and the court date for Little One is the Monday after his last day of work, which we are responsible for the court fees. And Christmas will be impossible and the possibility of not being able to stay afloat which is very real makes my chest tighten and my eyes water and the room spins and I don't even know where to start or what to do to make this better.

***

I have a job interview tomorrow. The money is better, the job similar to what I do now but (hopefully) with less of the BS. If it goes well and a job offer comes of it, I'm taking it and we'll be moving shortly after once again. There are more jobs in Columbus for Husband to pursue and as much as I LOVE where we live now, driving one hour both ways to work every day isn't very appealing. Things are bad, but could be worse, right? Right.

Just call us Gypsies.

I have dedicated some serious time in the very recent past to google maps. Why you ask? I'm trying to map out the best place between work(not my current place, but the state capital where a majority of Ohio's jobs are right now, where I may or may not have interviews in the next month, stay tuned), Kiddo and Little One (who live approximately an hour apart) and our families (which is hard since I'm from 30 miles north of Cincy and he's from 30 minutes west of Columbus).

There is no place that is a neutral good in-between place for us to be.

Right now, we are 30 minutes from Kiddo, 45 minutes from my parents, 1 hour from my niece, 1 hour 20 min from my in-laws and 1 hour and 45 minutes from Little One.

The closer we go towards the kids and his parents, the farther we become from mine. I have come to accept this, but it doesn't make the idea of being even farther away from them any easier....especially since I've become increasingly attached to my sister's offspring.

Even factoring out the distance to my side of the fam, it is hard to come up with the best place between the kids (in two different towns, mind you) and Columbus.

Then there is my need to be within a 20 minute drive to a Target that further complicates things, since its Blue Signed Department Store Country, excluding the ritzy burbs of the state capital.

I'm on the verge of suggesting RV living for us, because really, thinking of all the driving and the cost of gas to do that driving, makes me ill.

A friend on Twitter even informed me the particular Blue Signed Department Store welcomes overnight RV parking for free. Parking Lot-Sweet-Parking Lot.

I guess I need to accept the fact that we will be spending some major time in cars for the rest of our lives....and then start saving for something roomier but gas efficient, since my car hit 100,000 miles earlier this summer and really isn't all that great for Ohio winters.

It sucks to grow up.........