No words.

I have began and quit writing this post two times already today. I'm having issues figuring out what I'm feeling, because I'm feeling many things at once.

I'm angsty. I'm facing the fact that I loathe my job and since I've been at it for over one year, I'm comfortable with the idea of looking for something else. Too bad the economy sucks right now. And I'm way overpaid for what I do. And anything I might like to do probably won't pay nearly as well. And I'm the breadwinner.

I'm sad I don't know why. Perhaps its the being 25 and not having a clue where I want to be thing, besides not where I am (career wise). Or because I feel like crap about myself since we got back from the honeymoon and my eating habits have been awful and I haven't been exercising like I should.

Add in the fact that I have been smoke free since Sunday (trying to not dwell on this....I want to make it stick for once) and I'm a big ball of craptastic ick today.

I need to focus on one thing at a time, but I feel like I can't do that right now. I just keep jumping from one thing to another worrying about one a bit, then moving on to the next, not really accomplishing anything.

The answers are easy:
1. Finish Master's, take on teaching part time to supplement income/provide a buffer for crappy job while looking for something better. Then continue teaching if I find something that pays a bit less and deal.
2. Meditate and Freaking. Exercise. (this is gigantically easier said than done for me right now)
3. Use will power while around friends who are smokers for a few weeks and I should be in the clear. Drinking will be the ultimate test.

It all sounds so easy but it all seems so overwhelming to me right now. Blarg.

Secrets etc...

What secret speaks to you this week?

***

Tomorrow I meet with my advisor. I WILL finish my Master's this time. This will be my second time since I finished taking classes that I've told myself this, but this time, its happening, mostly because my job is sucking the life (and brains) out of me and I'm going to need all the help (or degrees) I can get to find something I might actually enjoy doing. And that pays at least equivalent to what I'm making now, if not more.

Today I start exercising regularly again. Ask the husband, I've been a ball of mood swings lately, and I'm sure its directly related to my lack of activity. Not only do I pretty much thrive on those endorphins but it makes me feel good about how I look, which makes me even happier. Right now, I feel like a big fat blob. It probably doesn't help that I've been eating much like a college student PLUS I went to Oktoberfest this past weekend and drank a half gallon (ever so classy, straight from the jug) of beer and ate tons of fried things...but such opportunities only come but once a year. It was a very fun time and I didn't freeze to death sleeping in a tent due to wearing the following:
two thermal shirts
a hoodie
a Columbia Fleece zip jacket
a hat
gloves
Tights w/fleece pants over them
two pairs of socks
slipper boots
and most importantly, a well established Beer Coat.

Last year, we did not plan well, and tried to sleep in the back of Husband's Passat Wagon. Two people of our robust-ness do NOT fit comfortably in the back of a Passat Wagon, trust me on this one. It was the worst sleeping experience of my life, hands down. So this year, with our two person tent, sleeping bags zipped together and tons of blankets, it wasn't half bad. Next year though, we may invest in an air mattress.

Happy Monday.

MIA

I have some explaining to do, dear readers (all 4 of you....holla!!)

You see, I've been sort of lax on the blogging as of late. Mostly because I feel a very strong urge to bitch and moan every time I go to post something and I don't want to be a downer so I choose not to share on those particular days. Which lately, seems to be....well Every. Stinking. Day.

I need to get it out...so out with it: (although I will try to see the silver lining and put a positive spin on things)

I am struggling with this mess of a wedding...one day I am ready to take charge and the next I want nothing to do with it. I made a "everything left to do" list yesterday and its not awful, although the "things needing done that don't cost money" section is v. small, just like our bank account balance which in this case, is v. bad news, since just about everything we have left to do requires purchasing things.

I started working on my Master's Project again early last month but seem to have lost steam on that once again. My current excuse is, "my advisor is out of the state on vacation until July 20, so I can't do much more w/o consulting her" which is really, a load of crap...well, yes she really is on vacay, but I could be doing a lot on my own, I just choose not to. I know I'll finish, I just keep putting it off.

All the while I am trying with all my might to not worry incessantly about money. It is a HUGE problem for me...even when we have money, I worry about expensive "what if's" that could pop up. So I try and remember how most people don't have enough right now...and we both still have jobs and a place to live and cars that run and we are in love and getting hitched and we are really lucky to have each other.

So make me feel better today, lovelies....what is your biggest worry as of today, July 1st 2009? Sharing is fun...and it might make you feel a little bit better as well.

Crunch Time.

Here's a list about my current state of small accomplishments:

Wedding invites are stuffed, stamped, labeled and ready to go. I haven't mailed them yet, I'm waiting until Friday for some unknown reason.

I wrote out shower #1 thank-you cards last night and I'm going to mail them today.

I ordered three swim suits off the old interweb last week for the honeymoon and I'm patiently awaiting their arrival.

81 days to go. Should I be excited yet? I'm still notsomuch.

I FINALLY began revising my Master's Thesis last night and it wasn't scary or awful; it was actually refreshing to use my brain for something besides wedding nonsense or family worries.

After all the excitement with my supervisor telling me I could take time off to finish, and then mentioning funding my PhD, he went on vacation beginning the day I was supposed to report back to him about my meeting with my advisor. He hasn't even asked about it since he's been back, but this doesn't surprise me, and I'm still finishing by August anyways.

I'm still trying to grow a pair and call in for a mental health day from work....but it still hasn't happened, we'll see how I feel Friday morning.

Secrets, Secrets

post secret really spoke to me today with these two. Especially the second.

My own little secrets: I'm terrified of our money situation right now, I haven't done shit for my Master's Thesis since telling my advisor I want to finish up before August and the BIGGEST one: If one more person asks me "what my colors are" or talks about "MY big day" coming up, I think I might lose it. I HATE being the soon to be bride. I cannot wait for this wedding to be over and to be Mrs. H and be on the beach for a week with Mr. H.

Ahhhhh I feel better. Anyone need to leave a secret? Feel free ...anonymous or not.

Happy freakin' Monday. I'll try to post a blurb about the Wedding Shower and how things went later, but we'll see.

PostSecret goodie.

Okay....ANYONE would be terrified of having children if this is what they picture.


It spoke to me, for obvious reasons displayed here and here but also created a creepy image in my brain and I had to re-post it and creep out others. Head over to postsecret for more random, heartfelt and just plain weird tidbits.

Oh and ps-I'm going to finish my Master's by August....because I love a good challenge...ie: writing a Master's Thesis AND planning a wedding AND being Matron of Honor to a wedding in the works for next May. It should make for good blogging...or so I hope!

Grad School.

For calling myself a classic burn out case, grad school won't go away...people won't let my smoldering embers die, so to speak.

Yesterday afternoon my work phone rang and it was my advisor. She found me. It threw me off so bad, but it was good to touch base with her and I knew it would happen eventually, it was only a matter of time. I have been carrying around 412 surveys in my car for the past 6 months. Surveys that focus on what she has studied for the past 15 years, which she kindly suggested I research with her as my Master's Project when she saw me struggling to find my own topic. There was bound to come a day where she finally wanted them back.

I didn't know what to say to her...she made it a point to say she wan't upset or anything and she understands life happens and gets in the way a lot, and now I am going to meet with her this afternoon. She even insinuated since I entered the majority of the data, that she'll give it back to me when she's done w/it and I can finish up....I think. She is awesome for doing this, since I sort of crapped out on her.

But wait, it gets better.

I had to ask my boss if it was okay if I left early to go meet with her around 4 this afternoon. He said, "yes of course that is fine" and I was happy to be leaving at 3:30 on a Friday, woo! Well 10 minutes ago, he came into my office and started asking questions. "When are you finishing up your Master's?" I explained it him what happened, new job + moving + getting engaged + the holidays= no time for grad project plus that I want to finish it but I'm not sure if I have the steam left in me....my classic, "I had been in school for 6 years straight when I stopped" line. He told me to go work it out with my advisor, leave at 3 so we have plenty of time to talk and report back to him Monday with my plans to finish. He even mentioned that once I get the Master's he would look into getting my PhD funded....wait.....what?!? Whoa buddy, he just upped the ante, or whatever they say.

I had high hopes many years ago of getting a Phd but I let those go when I realized the dedication, work and time that goes into it, and now, my crazy, slightly workaholic boss wants to fund it? Really? That pretty much changes everything.

Or does it? I'm so very conflicted on this topic. I know what everyone is thinking...finish the master's at the very least, but I have gotten used to NOT being in school, plus I have a wedding plan, PLUS I'm the Matron of Honor in a wedding that is next May plus I'm freaked out about it....blah blah blah.

Opinions are much needed on this.....

Do I bit the bullet and jump back into the Master's Project now? Wait til after the wedding and start up in September? I truly don't know what to do...my newfound lazy when it come to the idea of school side says "are you insane?!" but the scholar inside me says, "you are SO close to a Master's...and possibly a PhD, doooooo it!!"

HELP!

Its November 14, 2008...what are you doing with your life?

Holy moley I am busy as crap right now. Lots of things going on all at once.

I had been calling about a ridiculously large, awesome priced apartment in town and finally got a call back from the guy. We went to look on Wednesday evening and I completely fell in love. It has two bedrooms, huge kitchen with a counter/bar area and dining area, big bathroom and the whole place is 1300 sq. ft if that gives you an idea of the size. The landlord told us its very quiet and extremely well insulated and the girl who is moving out heated the whole place every winter for four years with two ceramic heaters. We went ahead and filled out an application, and are waiting to hear back. I'll probably cry a little if for some reason it doesn't work out.

We also set up an appointment to look at this awesome completely renovated house that is for sale/possible lease with the option to buy, but it is way expensive and the guy didn't sound like he wants to lease at all (which is dumb since in the listing it says "call about possible lease option"). We are still going to go drool over it this evening.

I've been so busy at work this week. Its been a bit unreal but actually awesome. I wish I was that busy all the time.

The Master's Project needs to get finished ASAP, and I've been pushing to work on it a bit each day. I'm thinking about doing a long day in the labs tomorrow to try and punch out the rest of the data entry so I can actually start analyzing.

Boyfriend received a certain credit card in the mail last Friday for a certain jewelry store which I hope he uses soon :D

The more I think about wedding stuff, the more I want to streamline the whole thing and make it as simple as possible. Mostly because I feel a little sick to my stomach whenever I think about the nitty gritty detailing of most weddings. And I know this isn't going to go over well, but the more I think about it, the more I don't want a huge bridal party. I really just want MOH and sister and him to just do BM and one groomsmen but I doubt that will work since he has two brothers and wouldn't want to have to pick between them...UNLESS....my sister can be escorted by both his brothers and then just his BM! That just might work. I don't think he cares that much, but I guess we'll see.

argh...I've had shitty girl cramps for about 4 days off and on this week. Its a bit annoying. Ah well, life goes on.