Me.

I never feel put together anymore, but most days I just don't care. I don't know if I ever was "put together" in the first place. My wardrobe has shrunk dramatically, but somehow I have a closet full of clothes, yet never anything to wear. I make it to work most days fully clothed and slightly accessorized (usually with a scarf no matter the season). That's an accomplishment lately.

I need a hair cut and an eyebrow wax in a most serious way. The at-home dye job I (actually, my husband) did has grown out approximately 3 inches. 75% of the time, the hair is in a knot on top of my head. Even though I don't especially like how I look with it up. It gets in the way when its down.

Besides these cosmetic flaws and fallen to the wayside-used-to-be-routine-priorities, I try to appreciate the hair on my head. The clothes on my back. The air in my lungs.

I have never been a totally put together person, but it seems like I am still waiting to wake up one day and feel that way. I can't figure out why. Blame Society? Growing up idolizing all the pretty ladies on the covers of fashion magazines?

I'm flaky, flighty and on a good day, quirky with a game plan. Clumsy, awkward and just plain nervous all the time on a ordinary day, and let's not talk about the bad days.

I wish I could get to a point in life where I stop thinking about how disappointed I am with myself. I know I am my own worst critic.

Not thin enough.
Pretty enough.
Put-together enough.
Happy enough.

Enough is enough.

This is me.

In crappy old BlackBerry Camera Phone Glory:

Epic 30DaysofTruth Fail.

I failed at this around Day 18 (in my defense, work was crazy AND a benefit for a good friend happened this weekend, so out of work time was crazy and then Kiddo was over and yeah I suck....) but here is my shortened version of each to play catch up:

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

To each his/her own. In a time where half of all marriage fail in this country, I feel like anyone, no matter their sexual orientation should have a crack at it. Plus, all those "marriage is sacred" people are usually on their 4 or 5 one (example: Rush Limbaugh is on his 4th where the 59 year old married a 33 year old girl. Nuff said.) Plus my first best friend in the 3rd grade was a boy who later came out in high school. We played barbies together as kids, so I always knew. I love me some gay dudes. In grad school, I had a girl crush on the cutest lesbian ever...we worked together on a project and she called me pretty. How flipping flattering is that?! Basically, whatever floats your boat is my credo on love in the romantic sense.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (I choose to discuss religion....politics are annoying, at best. Religion talk is the lesser of two evils to me.)

I see religion as something that gets so many people through each day and through tough times of life. I see the point and why there are so many different ones, but growing up Catholic I found little solace in my faith. I dabbled in being Methodist for a while. Then I went to college, became an Anthropology Minor and learned so much about evolution that I can't believe in God and all that jazz. I also took an Eastern Religions course where I decided if I did ever decide to pursue one again, it would be Buddhism.

Currently I like to think we aren't all just floating around on a whim, and that things to do happen for a reason, but I don't think God is that reason. I don't think praying to this God results in things happening or not happening, but I do think it makes people feel better to believe such a thing, so again, to each his/her own. Wouldn't it be nice of religious extremists (of all faiths, mind you) could say the same?

I also think religion is used by the powerful to undermine the weak, and that it has NO PLACE WHATSOEVER in government (even though it continues to crop up again, an again and yet again.)

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Ehhhhhhhh, this is tricky, because I used to partake in smoking a certain plant (and when legalized, I would probably again) AND I have a very love/hate relationship with booze. But let the truth be told......

I am a high strung individual. I don't decompress easily so I sort of used to use a little maryjane for medicinal reasons. It made me such a nicer person to be around. And yeah, it was smoked a lot just for the hell of it as well. After a while though, it got boring, and all I would want to do is nap afterwards, and that's not exactly conducive to getting homework done in college. I don't think Marijuana is addictive. At all. I think some people just really, really like to get high all the time. I have friends who have jobs, pay their bills and taxes and are awesome people, plus they like to get high. I think the government should legalize and tax the crap out of it (much like Alcohol and cigarettes) and get on with it.

Besides that, I've never done any other drugs, or any "hard" drugs......with one single time of snorting coke. I was not impressed and never did it again. Addiction is a scary thing, and I am very careful when prescribed any strong painkillers because having an Alcoholic father and a somewhat addictive personality could equal very bad things. This also kept me away from anything crazy, along with good common sense that putting something in my body that could potentially make all my teeth fall out (ie: meth) is a BAD idea, no matter the high.

Drinking IN MODERATION is something I am A-OK with. When an individual loses control, time and time again, I have a major problem with it. It can be a very bad thing for some people. I've seen it, first hand, deteriorate relationships and cause so many problems that would have never been without intoxication. Alcoholism is a disease, and if you know me well, I tend to stop drinking altogether whenever something dramatic happens with my dad and the sauce. I haven't felt out of control with it since before I met my husband though, so I think I am doing just fine with occasionally, socially drinking.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

First off, my best friend and I are grown ups and we rarely fight anymore. I'm talking it has been YEARS since we have argued. We have agreed to disagree on certain things, but we never fight anymore. We don't live near each other to see each other a lot, so we just tend to have a good time catching up when we do.

If it would have happened when we were in high school, I would have cried a bunch and then headed to the hospital to make sure she was okay. If she was I would have apologized, and if she wasn't, I would probably be a much different person today. She is the best friend I've ever had.

So that catches me up. Hopefully from here on out I can keep on track!

Ooooouuuuuchhh.

ET can relate....

I am a glutton for punishment. My thighs are screaming at me every time I sit, stand and walk right now. All in the name of friendship....and procrastination too. You remember all that talk of motivation back in January? Well, it didn't really sink in. I put on the bridesmaid dress I'm wearing on May 15th this past Saturday and there was absolutely no zipping. It fit better in January. (In my defense, in January I hadn't eaten anything that day and I had on my sleekest panties, when I put it on Saturday, it was about 9pm and I don't even remember what undies I was wearing...so there's that.)

Now I have begun intense workout/lock down on my eating habits because the eye of my mother-in-law (who has made her own clothes for years) says the dress can't be let out. I'm probably going to take it someplace where they do professional wedding attire alterations just to be sure, but I'm not holding my breath (or I should say, I will be, if it can't be let out. Hah!) or to see if there is anything else to be done to fit my larger-than-they-were-in-September hips, thighs and badonk-a-donk. (I like to make jokes...it makes it less depressing!)

Not talking to my bff who is the bride for said wedding about this predicament has been very hard, but I haven't. She is usually my go-to for anxiety comfort, since I've known her so long and she wouldn't lie to me and tell me "everything will be fine" unless it would be but I don't want her to worry about the size of my behind when I am worrying about it enough for both of us (and then some) plus she is the one getting married, and she has a zillion other things to worry about.

I'm really, ridiculously sore right now through the thighs because that's how intense the lower body workout part of this video is (a la Tabulous, thanks again chica, and if you want it back ever, lemme know!) but the husband keeps telling me its a good thing, because that means its working. I am trying to remember that I hobble around like a 75 year old woman with the arthritis, eat nothing but leafy greens, whole wheat everything and drink 5 gallons of water a day. Oh and almost falling down the back stairs of our apartment (that would have been the 3rd time in 2 years) due to a combo of stiff legs and wearing new shoes. Luckily I caught myself.

I have no one to blame but myself....but I'm not blaming, just finally being hardcore about things. Since my bod loves those endorphins, I'm in a better mood and pretty optimistic I'll be able to get into it again in time. I may not get smaller than when I had the dress on in January, but at least then I can stand there in it...and then not sit down all night...sitting is overrated anyways.

Repercussions.

I try very hard to stay positive. To remember how lucky I am in life.

No matter how many times I remind myself of this, I can't seem to regain the optimism I had before I left college. All I can do is look back and think of how naive and foolish it was.

When you fall short of what you've expected to achieve in life, of the goals you set up for yourself, knowing you could have done it, but for some reason you flaked, somedays its hard to get out of bed in the morning. I am my own worst critic, and disappointing her isn't much fun.
When Thursdays are just a night of decent television, instead of the beginning of weekend and when the day after day of working 8 to 5 drains the light from your eyes, its hard to remember was optimism is. Hell, its hard to remember what day of the week it is sometimes.

But I keep going...trying to figure out what I can do to change things. Sometimes that doesn't get me very far either.

I try and not think of these things often. I push them to the back of my mind, along with the massive amount of money I pay to bills each month, and how much my job is more of an annoyance I deal with so I can pay those bills than a career. I look at my husband and remember I'm not alone. I have things to be happy about. I shouldn't waste my time on all this negativity.

Days like yesterday tend to bring all that negativity back to the forefront, so I blog and vent and try and not be a complete beeotch to anyone who I come across until I talk myself out of it once again.

It's exhausting.

Letter.

Dear Great Lakes,

Thank you so much for adjusting my monthly payments since I could not afford the original $230 a month (due to other bills, including my additional private student loan payment I currently make of $155 a month, which will increase to $250 a month in March). It will be SO MUCH easier to pay you $107 a month until 2013 when it will jump to $311 a month, which is a TOTALLY reasonable amount of money to pay for SIX YEARS, again on top of my private loan payment which will be around $350 a month by then. Oh and thanks for telling me this is my only option, besides the $230 a month I can't afford right now. I liked hearing that so much that I burst into hysterical crying which resulted in hyperventilation. While at work.

I'm SO FUCKING GRATEFUL for my Bachelor's Degree your loans helped me get, and in turn the WONDERFUL, COMPLETELY FULFILLING job I presently have. It DEFINITELY makes it possible for me to not live paycheck to paycheck and really enjoy my life and not worry incessantly about my finances.


Best,
Another Jaded 20something.

p.s.- Understanding College Student Loans should be a mandatory class your senior year of high school, especially when neither of your parents went to college.

(note: all words in CAPS may possibly be heavily laden with sarcasm....and most other words too.)

Confession.

I had McDonald's for breakfast. Today. And yesterday. Ahhhhhh, I feel so much better. If makes it any less awful, all I got (both days) was a small coffee and a sausage mcmuffin. Yesterday's excuse was my 8:10am dentist appointment for a teeth cleaning (first of a bunch of dental procedures I'll be having over the next 3 months, read my recap of my new dentist here) which I refused to eat before (that just seems so counterproductive, no?) and today's excuse is....I felt like crap, got up late (although still squeezed in putting on makeup, that's how much I like my skin tone being even) and didn't have time for breakfast at home, plus I must caffeinate in the morning time, lest I lose my mind and/or fall asleep at work. I have this really annoying dry cough...and I've been sneezing a lot more than usual. It's probably a cold, I haven't had one in a forever.

I still parked farther away, even though it was pretty cold again today and I was a tid bit late, and I plan on taking a walk to the post office on my lunch break.

Hey look...it's already Wednesday, sweetness.

Well Crap.

I've already blown my 365 posts in 2010 goal I set up, but yesterday was especially craptastic, so there's my excuse for not writing. Someone (either me or my HR department at work) ty-poed a 2 as my allowances on a tax form, and so the tax fairy will not be leaving me a surprise this year, I will actually have to pay her. Life goes on, and I'm going to correct the mistake today, so my deduction is "correct" (because I TOTALLY know the correct percentage of my paycheck the Federal Government should get, being a Sociology Major in my undergrad definitely taught me that. Can you feel the sarcasm? Good.)

The upside is since I got married last year, Husband and I can file together so I won't owe anything, he'll just get less, which cuts out the waiting for his return so we could turn around and pay what I owe. Whoever said money can't solve problems was rich and stupid. We had sort of been relying on a good refund this year, but I guess that's why I shouldn't assume things. Lesson learned.

In other news, its snowing. Past New Year's, unless snow gets me a day off work, I could really careless about it. Can we please fast forward to Spring now?

Happy Tuesday.

Blah blah

So I haven't had many nice things to say lately...therefore (according to the golden rule) and have been choosing to say nothing at all.

I'm frustrated once again about things in life to the point of it putting me in a not so happy place. And my inability (aka laziness/apathy) to change some really bad habits I've fallen back into. And this stupid earache I have will not go away. And I could go on, but I won't, to avoid bumming out who ever actually reads this thing.

Hopefully tomorrow I will awake with a renewed sense of determination. Or at least something to help me not be so pissy all the damn time.

Fail.

So last night I weighed in for the first time in a month due to various reasons. I was out of town for work, and then we were too poor for me to go and then last week I didn't want to face the scale so I used a pass.

I gained 3.4 pounds in a month.

Now, to most people this isn't anything, but to me, this is an epic fail. It could take me another month to month and half to lose this again and the worst part is I've been doing the gym thing 3 to 4 days a week for the past three weeks. So I can pretend this is part of the gain; I'm toning muscles I haven't used in well over a year causing my mass to increase but I also have been half-assing my tracking of food intake and not making good choices w/what I've been eating.

I'm not striving for perfection in my weight loss and I'm NOT doing this because of the wedding...but it would be great to feel confident about my arms the day of and also comfortable in swim suits on the honeymoon.

I know I can do this...but damn it sucks to gain when I've been sweating balls at the gym for the past 3 weeks!