Winter wins again.

I'm suffocating even though I still take breaths in.

I'm sinking but my arms don't remember how to swim.

I'm restless but I don't know where I wouldn't be.

None of this is even bothersome, it is all just mundane. It is all expected, familiar; boring almost.

I'm jealous, bitter, angry, sad, anxious and a million other feelings.

Perhaps I should get back on the wagon of weight loss (aka treadmill) if only there wasn't such a vicious cycle of apathy going on presently. I just don't feel like it, so I don't. Then I feel worse, so I don't. Maybe I should remember how I felt two short weeks ago? So easy to be optimistic after two weeks away from the most un-fulfilling part of my days.

59 days til Spring......

b&w

At least I have a view I suppose.



Even if it feels like black and white lately

Secrets Secrets.

Is it me, or is today extra craptastic? I think its just me.....Post Secret helped a bit though.

No words.

I have began and quit writing this post two times already today. I'm having issues figuring out what I'm feeling, because I'm feeling many things at once.

I'm angsty. I'm facing the fact that I loathe my job and since I've been at it for over one year, I'm comfortable with the idea of looking for something else. Too bad the economy sucks right now. And I'm way overpaid for what I do. And anything I might like to do probably won't pay nearly as well. And I'm the breadwinner.

I'm sad I don't know why. Perhaps its the being 25 and not having a clue where I want to be thing, besides not where I am (career wise). Or because I feel like crap about myself since we got back from the honeymoon and my eating habits have been awful and I haven't been exercising like I should.

Add in the fact that I have been smoke free since Sunday (trying to not dwell on this....I want to make it stick for once) and I'm a big ball of craptastic ick today.

I need to focus on one thing at a time, but I feel like I can't do that right now. I just keep jumping from one thing to another worrying about one a bit, then moving on to the next, not really accomplishing anything.

The answers are easy:
1. Finish Master's, take on teaching part time to supplement income/provide a buffer for crappy job while looking for something better. Then continue teaching if I find something that pays a bit less and deal.
2. Meditate and Freaking. Exercise. (this is gigantically easier said than done for me right now)
3. Use will power while around friends who are smokers for a few weeks and I should be in the clear. Drinking will be the ultimate test.

It all sounds so easy but it all seems so overwhelming to me right now. Blarg.

Crash and Burn.

Hell hath no fury like an (about to be married) woman's scorn.

Fiancé and I had words last night regarding our guest list issues. They were not pleasant words and there were probably more tears (on my part) than words at one point. I'm not going to give the play by play because it was a very stupid argument and it wasn't really resolved, besides me saying, "well that didn't fix anything so we might as well call a truce" (this was when I reached over and shook his hand as we laid in bed and he laughed at me). I'm trying not to stew about it, but it is very hard since I'm on wedding-mode just about 24/7 at this point. Which is what I blame for the argument. I'm very extreme with my emotions right now...very very happy or very very not.

I have a to-do list with more things that cost money than things that do not, until last night the list was comforting, but today it feels like the bane of my existence. Okay, its not that bad...I just want to get everything taken care of in the next week or two so I can have some major chill out time the two weeks before the wedding.

The Dress Shop still hasn't called. Last week when I talked to them, they said my dress should be in by "early next week". Well its Friday of "next week" and they still haven't called to tell me it is in. They have until 2pm to call, and then I will be calling them to figure out what is going on with things.

Hopefully the next time I blog it will be to announce I have the damn dress in my possession.

Monday.

I would love to spend more than two days of the week in a good mood.

That's my goal this week: Stable happiness.

Long.

Long weekends: they rule but have a way of leaving you exhausted and wanting more. 3 days off is not enough. Only about 3 months until the honeymoon week of nothingness on the beach in Florida. It can't come soon enough.
We somehow managed to hang with some friends and see both of our families over the weekend. We were very well fed, but not very well rested and spent a crazy amount of time in the car. My family is about 45 minutes from where we live, and his is about an hour and half, depending on traffic. Very worth it though, we had a great weekend. I think I'm a little more than bummed that it is over. Oh well, must press on with life.

We are going to take the invite materials to the printer tonight...hopefully the price is similar to my calculation of around $30 since money is a HUGE issue right now...there just doesn't seem to be enough for our already low budget wedding.

I've been striving to be as active as possible every day...even if it means doing the free step mode on the Wii Fit for 30 minutes while watching TV at night. I did that last night...but this was after I fell asleep on the couch for an hour. It was one of those "I didn't even realize I was asleep until my phone rang and woke me up" types of naps.

I have work I should be doing but can't seem to get motivated. Blarg.

I promise to have more interesting things to say next time.

Really?

Random wedding nonsense: If you are getting married in 4.5 months, why on Earth would you send a "Save the Date" card?! You are going to send the invites out two months later!
What a waste!

Disclaimer: Planning our wedding has given me opinions on things I usually wouldn't care about. If I would have known all the bullshit that goes along with a wedding, we would have went to the court house, had an informal reception and gone on a really nice honeymoon to someplace tropical (we're going to Florida, so its beachy and budget friendly, but its no Hawaii or Bahamas).

Recently, one of my bridesmaids has begun looking for shoes to go with her dress. I never thought I would give two shits what she puts on her feet for the day, but then she sent me a picture of what she was thinking about and asked if they were okay and I had to say no. The shoe was all wrong for the style of the dress. All of the sudden, I feel like a control freak or even worse, dare I say, bridezilla. Now I'm telling them what to put on their feet?
I love this girl but she just doesn't get it. The dress is a tea length, slightly longer in the back than in the front strapless Chiffon dress and she sent me a photo of these multi colored brown heels with a closed, rounded toe. The wedding is in August and the ceremony will most likely take place outside. They weren't totally ugly, just totally wrong for the dress. They looked like shoes I would wear with a brown pantsuit in the dead of winter. This is quite frustrating because this same bridesmaid who couldn't pick a simple brown dress to compliment mine which is the reason I chose one dress for all of them (which I REALLY didn't want to) and then had to help her pay for it as well. Now I'll probably end up buying her shoes too.

Of course I'm horribly worried she's mad at me about this...she is a good friend and has helped quite a bit so far with wedding planning, but when I said you can pick your shoes, I imagined she could pick something that goes with the dress, not just any brown shoe...

All I can think is, "why did I do this to myself? Why didn't I just put my foot down and tell Fiancé let's just do a Best Man and Maid of Honor and no one else" but it is much too late for that. I have to deal with the repercussions...plus all the other bullshit that goes along with this fiasco.

Bottom line: I love my Fiancé and I'm so excited to marry him, but I strongly dislike wedding planning. The latest tidbit he has surprised me with: Fiancé insists on writing our own vows and not sharing them with each other before the wedding. I love this. It makes me nervous because he plans on writing his the week before the wedding but we decided I will write mine first, probably a month or a couple weeks before because I'm worried I'll be a big ball of nerves the week before. Both will end with, "I give you this ring as a reminder of these promises" or something like that so we can integrate the rings and the vows into one thingy.

Woo for awesome Fiancé.

Costs.

I am thankful for this job...I preface the following statement with this fact.

I do not know if I have ever felt this level of dread associated with getting out of bed and coming to work before today.

Yes, I can pay my bills but at what price?

I can see why people previously in this position weren't happy. It is a very lonely job....and sometimes very frustrating, but I will persevere.

I am thankful for this job....but that doesn't mean I can't wish I were still snuggled in my bed with my adorable Fiancé on this rainy Monday.

Today will be okay....I have lots to keep me busy and Pandora to keep my ears full of good tunes. I am also going to the gym on campus after work for the first time. After lazily sitting on my arse for most of yesterday (this included a 2 hour block of cat-napping whilst Fiancé played Call of Duty 5) I am ready to stop being so sedentary. Plus it might boost my spirits about having to come here day in and day out. With 131 days until the wedding, and me not feeling so great about my forearms, I think its time to take some action.

Happy Monday...try to find your silver lining, it seems to help me on rainy days.

Snap-Judgement.

Today stinks. The weather sucks. I'm sleepy. My poor Fiancé has this horrible sinus infection that's given him a horrible toothache. I have this ridiculously strong urge to leave work and go home and make him soup. I don't even think we have soup at home. Today should be cancelled and everyone in Ohio should go home and snuggle and be warm.

Alas, I'm at work...and since I have a valid reason (sick and pathedic man at home to care for) to leave, I'm sure I'll be busy today.

Boo April 7, 2009.

hmmmph.

I feel like poo. Went to the doctor and peed in a cup for them to diagnose what I thought would be a UTI, but Doc comes back in and tells me it actually came back negative and as she is walking out of the door again tells me we'll treat it as a UTI and go from there...I stop her by saying, well what else could it be? She says, well, the test could be wrong and you really do have one, or we'll just wait and see. From the lady who's vag doesn't have a nagging burning sensation for the past week: we'll just wait and see. Fuck you lady. If it isn't better by Thursday, I'm calling my gyno and telling them the story and trying to get in ASAP.

I also haven't been sleeping well. I don't know if this is related at all, but it definitely doesn't help anything. I almost called off work today just because I want to sleep all day. Plus, my boss man is out all week and the few things I have to do this week could be completed in about 2 hours. I love my job, but when sicky, I'd rather be in bed.

I had a horrid wedding nightmare over the weekend. In it, Fiance's family told us we should have the wedding now, while we were at some random house for a weekend. I ended up in my sister's wedding dress, which was too big, doing my own hair and makeup (which for me, would be horrible, since I'm not great at those things), my parents couldn't make it because my dad fell down and got a concussion (?) and the kicker: When I demand to see Fiance before the alleged ceremony, because I wanted to tell him I don't want to do the wedding today, he has shaved his head, all facial hair (he usually rocks the goatee and a beard in the winter) and got his septum pierced. I begin crying at this point and then wake up, realizing it was nothing but a really bad dream. All the things sound really trival, but the feeling of no one listening to me/caring what I thought was the worst part of it. I haven't been thinking about the wedding much at all lately...so I guess this was my subconscious telling me I need to plan more?

I feel I have bitched and moaned enough for today....

self-medicate.

I think I might have the half bottle of wine in my fridge for dinner tonight.

I can't seem to EVER feel like I have control over our finances. All I do is worry about all the different payments...even though we ALWAYS pay everything on time and even have a bit left over sometimes. Which that will probably change with my $363 a month loan payment beginning next month.

I just don't want this constant state of worry anymore. I have an unconventional wedding to worry about...that is enough for one chica.

I wish I had some cash...I'd buy a lotto ticket on the way home if I did.

He makes me so crazy sometimes.

We are spending money and looking nice for our wedding day and for some reason, he has some huge fucking problem with telling people what I don't want them to wear to an event WE are paying for to celebrate OUR fucking wedding.

"I just don't want people to think they are coming to an uptight wedding"

Telling them they can't wear jeans, shorts or sleeveless shirts if they are a guy is not telling them what to wear, its telling them to not look like they are going to a fucking bar for a night of drinking.  I don't feel like that makes us seem uptight at all, I think it just tells them we are trying to be a bit classy.

Because honestly the reason I did that question/answer for the FAQ in the first fucking place is because of all the goddamn band/bar type people HE'S INVITING.  They are the reason I'm worried about space....most of them I could care less about sharing our day with because I barely know them.  They are the reason I'm worried things will get broken because they will get shitfaced and stupid. They are the eye sores I do not want to fucking look at the day I get married nor do I want in pictures.

But being the good partner I am, I keep such thoughts inside because they are his friends and I take him as is, icky gross friends and all.

He just keeps throwing these random objections at me....things I never think he wouldn't be okay with he has huge problems with.  Other things he is either on board for or just plain doesn't care either way.

I'll say it again: Boo wedding planning.