Day Three: Forgiveness Part One

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I have to forgive myself for being overweight. It feels so juvenile to still be carrying around these self-image issues I have had for as long as I can remember; so long that the last time I didn't think of myself as "overweight/fat" I was 6 years old.

I was my heaviest in October of 2007 weighing in at just under 220 pounds. I joined Weight Watchers and lost almost 50 pounds by summer 2008. I got bored with the program so I quit going, then I re-joined that fall, suprised that I had only gained around 8 pounds over the summer. I got engaged Christmas of 2008 and quit going to Weight Watchers due to money by April of 2009. I told myself I was going to keep eating right and exercising because I wanted to, not because I was getting married ( ha!). It is a wonder what a silly white dress can do to your workout motivation. I dropped down to the smallest I've been in my adult life, around 185 and had never felt better. Then I turned 25. I had a crappy winter. I slept too much, ate too much and socialized too little. I gained at least 15 pounds from September 09 to January 10 (I know this because I ordered a bridesmaid dress in September and when it arrived in January it barely zipped). I was depressed. It was not fun times.

I have spent many years of my life being told I was fat and being made fun of because of my size and appearance. Due to this my weight is directly related to my happiness. Still, even as an adult, I torment myself about my size. Everything I eat I think about if I should be or not, when I don't exercise, I beat myself up. My very unhealthy relationship with food requires more time than I have to write at the moment and the worst part of all of this? The reason I need have to forgive myself for this? I have a husband who loves me exactly how I am and I have friends who just want me to be happy no matter what I look like. I have to let the past rest. I have spent way too many years hanging on to the painful memories of an awkward youth.

So hello, my name is Melberry, and I'm overweight. Deal with it. I am finally ready to.

Tomorrow: Something you have to forgive someone for.

All Before 9am

My list of accomplishments:

Successfully made two trips halfway down the (snow covered) stairs before going back up due to forgotten things.

Fell down half the stairs with my car key in hand (can't be attached to wad 'o keys, so its just a little VW key rectangle) making the key go flying into the snow (approx 6 to 8 inches) where it (hopefully) is still residing.

Realized I don't have a spare key since I bought my car used and the dealer wasn't given one from the past owners.

Changed into black dress pants that are about a half size too small, since the pants I was wearing got wet and my other ones that fit are dirty.

Woke my husband up crying hysterically about how I needed him to get up and help me look for said key along with grumbling to him about my fall and how I plan on calling the landlord and asking if the steps are getting re-done when we get our deck built in the spring, since I've fallen down them twice since we moved there in December of 2008.

Realized my work keys are hanging from my rear view mirror, in my car, who's key is somewhere in the snow behind my apartment.

It was a productive morning, to say the least, but damn my ass hurts.