Scenic Route.

I'm standing close to a huge intersection in my life. And while I know either road will take me to the next adventure (my new job) the two routes are so very different.

There is the anxiety ridden route. It looks like a gigantic city with one-ways and stop lights and dark clouds. And my GPS is broke.

Then there is the slightly curvy, partly-sunny country back road. This way looks so much more appealing. I want to choose this path, but I'm worried my mind will steer me towards the other.

***

I have been striving (and mostly succeeding) in living a happier life since we moved. One where I stop worrying about things I cannot control as soon as the thought crosses my mind; where I truly soak in moments and am fully present in them instead of halfway thinking about tomorrow's troubles like I used to spend all of my time doing.

I keep busy. If I'm not busy I go for a walk. I'm not killing myself working out nor beating myself up about it when I don't exercise like I told myself I should be. I'm only human. I am mindful of what I put in my body.

I'm trying to be happy with what I have, instead of constantly focusing on what I want. Do I need these things? That always cuts the list in half.

I dream again; day dream of things I want to do and places and I want to go. I use this lovely site called Pinterest to organize these dreams. Even if I don't get to them all, it is great to have hopes again.

***

I want to be great at my new job, not just good. I spent the last 3 years stagnant in a job I tolerated for a paycheck. This is my chance to do some interesting and something I might actually enjoy doing every day to boot.

I am choosing the sunny road, not the complicated city streets shrouded in black clouds. I am choosing to be happy, mindful and (sometimes stupidly, but oh well)optimistic.

I'm taking the scenic route on this one, and I'm going to enjoy the ride.

Call me the Queen of Suburbia.

The exodus from Apartamento to the Suburban Castle (our new humble abode) went smashingly well. We have some amazing friends in our lives for helping us on one of the hottest days of the year so far. There were some hiccups, but I was Zen like all day. I know, shocking, right?

Two weeks in and we are getting the hang of the space. I'm still wrapping my head around the amount of storage space we now have. There are about 5 boxes in the living room that still need unpacked, so bare with me, but we have gone from this:


To this:


Another angle:


The tree tapestry seen in the last photo is the coat closet; this place is full of craptastic old closet doors, which now live in the garage. We also took off the ones in the master bedroom and the girls' room. Here is a peek at their room (as of Sunday):

I sort of want to hang a curtain of some sort on their closet...but I'm not sure? There is a lot of storage/toys going on in there, so I feel like it would be nice to close the curtain at bedtime. I have a cute black and white floral cloth shower curtain I'm not using right now, so I might pick up another tension rod and try it? Not sure at this point about that. Also, I am secretly ecstatic that I got to hang up the teen magazine posters in an orderly fashion; you should have seen them at the apartamento. It was chaos.

from the door:

I plan on getting two more sets of curtains to frame out the pink sheers, something purple I do believe. I think it will cozy it up a bit. We also want to get some of those over sized letters for the girls' to decorate and hang over their beds. I saw some cardboard ones at Hobby Lobby a while back, which I think is perfect, because if it does fall off the wall, it won't hurt them.

I have these on order from Amazon, for a project for the bedroom (more to come later). IKEA will also be getting a good chunk of my monies soon.

Since I love a good list, here is a run down of everything we still need to do/get:

Living Room
Curtains (IKEA sheers, for starters)
DVD Storage (Lerberg from IKEA x3 or 4)
Closet doors off; tree tapestry turns into curtain w/tension rod and clips
Switch out ginormous ceiling fan? Perhaps!

Kitchen
Island (buy or re-purpose something else)
Chalkboard Wall
Girls' Art Gallery-need to ID drawings for this and get sizes for frames (IKEA)

Laundry/Utility Room
Steel Shelving to create pantry storage
Hang curtain to hide furnace/Hot Water Heater (IKEA again)
Organizing bins for cabinets over washer/dryer

Hall
Hang Framed photos (size each with paper ads, hang papers on wall in pattern, nail through and hang up pictures)

Bathrooms
Get 1 small and 1 large rug for main bath, brown
existing large green one goes in half bath
Something for walls-one picture has been printed, just need a frame and I'm thinking of shopping what we already have for the half bath.

Girls' room
Hang up collage wall near Kiddo's bed
Organize toy bins/put in closet/take off closet doors to maximize floorspace
Curtains (still need purples, IKEA?)
Big Letters for over their beds
Spice racks as front facing bookshelves from, you guessed it, IKEA
DIY Canopies (maybe)

Master
Long and low dresser 6-8 drawers, I want to find old one and re-paint and get new hardware for
Bedskirt/new bedding
DIY project with Wallflowers-ordered
Prints off Etsy (frames IKEA, do you see a pattern here?)
Different curtains-eventually

I have yet to unpack my books and get the Expedit 100% organized, so that is on the agenda for tonight.

I love how this place is evolving and I can't wait to see what it will become by the end of the Summer. The husband and I keep saying this place makes us feel like grown ups; I feel like it is exactly where we need to be right now. We have the opportunity to acquire all the crap we need for a house, without having to worry about the upkeep on things. I think by the time our lease is up (in two years) we might actually be able to look into buying. Or not, but that is okay too.

The other day my sister says, "what's with all the talk of "projects"? When did you become so crafty?" I've been reading on the interwebs about all this stuff basically since I got married in 2009, now I have a blank slate to execute on, and I'm so excited. And you know what? I just can't hide it.

Letter.

Dear Apartamento:

I have never missed anyplace I have called home (excluding fleeting moments of missing my hometown/parents place) and I've called A LOT of places home in the past seven years. I am going to truly miss you, in all your hippie village glory.

Your walls are where the husband and I got engaged and planned our DIY wedding. You have hosted the hubsfamily Christmas 3 years running, and had countless gatherings of friends and family, both big and small throughout our stay. Every twice annual Street Fair that takes place in town brought us lots of visitors, plus I always got out on the streets early to avoid the crowds.

Your open concept layout has been amazing. I will probably miss that the most; being able to make dinner/do anything in the kitchen but still be engaged in whatever is going on in the living room.

But our time is up, my knees are achy from climbing those 21 steps of death every morning and night and to all good things must come an end. We need a yard for the girls, and less steps for the clumsy (ie: me).

(Plus we are gaining: an entire other toilet, a garage, yard and storage room)

Thank you for the memories, for being so well insulated (we never turned our furnace on through 3 Ohio Winters; our Vectren Gas bill was never over $20.) and hosting our lives for the past 3 years. I'll miss you.


Best,
Mrs. Melberry

A Change Would Do You Good.

I like to pretend I'll commit to new projects, and be consistent. Then I'm not.

The 40DaysMovement project sort of fell through, although I am starting the 30 Day Shred video today after work, and I'm excited to do so. I need a kick in the ass, and I know annoyingly fit Jillian Micheals will do it for me.

I want to try to resurrect the Snapshots project though, especially with all the stuff coming up for us. We'll see how that goes.

Oh well, call me a bad blogger, if you will. I do always come back, eventually, making up excuses (mostly for myself) about why I, once again, failed to stay consistent at posting. Or exercising. Or much of anything. Oh well. I'm going to forgive myself this time, and not dwell.

Besides, I mostly write this blog for my own little documentary purposes, even if they are meager at best. So I'm really only letting myself down.

Anyway.

Crazy-exciting news. We are moving. As of June 1 we will no longer be in our hippish-small town, but in Surburbia. I will miss our little town, but the 'burbs have their perks, both in the physical space we call home, and in a more general, accessibility of things. It is a ranch style duplex-condo-apartment-half house type of dealy. (I don't like the word "duplex" so I'm having trouble naming it.) It is one building, with two units. The landlord lives next door, and she is pretty cool, and we tend to keep quiet these days anyway.

The new place perks:
One story aka: no more 21 steps of death.
Garage. YAY.
Washer/dryer hookups meaning no more laundry mat.
Utility room. No more cat box in the ONE storage closet we have.
Side patio
Backyard
Ceiling fan in living room
Coat closet in living room ie: for shoes, coats and board games. (yay storage.)
Gas range, I grew up with one, and prefer it to electric.
1.5 baths, which is FANTASTIC since I have a husband who enjoys camping out in the bathroom sometimes, if you know what I'm saying.
3 bedrooms ( More STORAGE!)
Attic above the Garage...did I mention I'm really excited about the Storage?

I am now realizing we have basically be living with all of our crap in plain sight since we moved into together. Neither place we've lived has had ample storage. The amount of storage in this place is making me giddy. I thrive on a tidy home, and being able to store the less visually appealing things we own makes me so very happy.

Let's say it one more time: STOOOOORRRRRAGE! Yay.

This is place is literally within walking distance to the husband's work, a fishing pond and a huge playground. It is also a 5 minute drive to some really great friends. Target and Kroger's are right down the road.

I think it will be a great change for everyone, even the girls. We discussed the fact that the move puts more distance between them and us. The husband pointed out the way things are with both of them, being 1 hour away is no different than being one town away; we are (sadly) not included in their lives with their mothers and their maternal families. So he is 100% alright with us being closer to my hometown than his and subsequently, further from the girls as well.

New half casa, in iPhone photos (nothing exciting, since it's just empty rooms, but pics nonetheless):

Living Room, from front door, with husband in doorway to kitchen

Kitchen, side door to patio is left of Fridge, Hallway right of oven, Utility Rm right of Hallway

Full Bath, from main entry (one of the lights is out, hence the super bad lighting)

View standing in Master, looking through the half bath into the full (there are pocket doors)

The packing has began. And I have some plans to document the move. Good things to come!

Problema.

How......................?

How do you tell the person you have been with for 6 years, who has thought for those 6 years you didn't want children that you suddenly do?

Well, besides just saying it. I guess I need to come out of the baby-making closet.

Side note: I'm sort of stubborn, and I tend to hate eating my words when wrong. A lot. I'm trying to remind myself the advice of my lovely bff: "You are allowed to change your mind; you don't have to justify it to anyone." and also, "Who cares about them? (the people who will say, but I thought you didn't want kids? and I knew you'd change your mind!) They don't matter anyways." I love her. She is the part of my brain that all my insecurities tend to drown out a lot of the time.

I haven't exactly made a decision about it either. I did not wake up one day (like so many people told me I would) and know I wanted to make a baby. That stupid biological clock everyone talks about has began ticking. Ever so quietly in the back of my mind. Plus the fact that I am literally surrounded by babies and pregnant women everywhere I turn. And then they are all over Facebook as well. F*cking Facebook. I do not blame them, because we are at prime baby-makin' age, but it doesn't help my current predicament either.

I've never expected to wake up and just know. It was the same bullshit when I was wedding dress shopping. Everyone said, "You'll *just* know when its the right dress!" I never felt that, and then the dress I chose wasn't even what I ended up getting hitched in.
So yeah, I'm not expecting divine intervention and "just knowing" to happen. I'm much too logical for that.

The main reason I had thought in the past that I didn't want kids was my own awkward and sometimes painful adolescent experiences. I think the fact that I am finally coming to terms with them, forgetting the bad and remembering the good has caused this change of heart.

Plus my adorable niece is NO help. I mean she is the cutest thing in the world to me. Just look at her:

Showing off her sticking-her-tongue-out skills.

The Husband's new work schedule has him on nights right now, but Saturday he is off a bit earlier so I'm planning on dropping the bomb then. So much of me committing 100% to having a baby hangs on his reaction and if he wants to as well. I don't want to unless he wants to.

I'm doing it Saturday. It needs to be done. It must be done.

Me.

I never feel put together anymore, but most days I just don't care. I don't know if I ever was "put together" in the first place. My wardrobe has shrunk dramatically, but somehow I have a closet full of clothes, yet never anything to wear. I make it to work most days fully clothed and slightly accessorized (usually with a scarf no matter the season). That's an accomplishment lately.

I need a hair cut and an eyebrow wax in a most serious way. The at-home dye job I (actually, my husband) did has grown out approximately 3 inches. 75% of the time, the hair is in a knot on top of my head. Even though I don't especially like how I look with it up. It gets in the way when its down.

Besides these cosmetic flaws and fallen to the wayside-used-to-be-routine-priorities, I try to appreciate the hair on my head. The clothes on my back. The air in my lungs.

I have never been a totally put together person, but it seems like I am still waiting to wake up one day and feel that way. I can't figure out why. Blame Society? Growing up idolizing all the pretty ladies on the covers of fashion magazines?

I'm flaky, flighty and on a good day, quirky with a game plan. Clumsy, awkward and just plain nervous all the time on a ordinary day, and let's not talk about the bad days.

I wish I could get to a point in life where I stop thinking about how disappointed I am with myself. I know I am my own worst critic.

Not thin enough.
Pretty enough.
Put-together enough.
Happy enough.

Enough is enough.

This is me.

In crappy old BlackBerry Camera Phone Glory:

Day TwentyNine: Change.

Change happens all the time, whether you like or not....whether you want it or not. I know I am different than I was a year ago, two years ago etc....although at my core I'm the same, or am I?

Driving to work this morning, after I dusted powdery snow off my car, I wasn't a ball of nerves like winter's past. The car I currently drive (and the previous one) is very compact and while I have good tires, it still isn't exactly made for snow. The past couple winters have been pretty snowy and I spent many mornings/evenings taking the long way to work; being nervous when it comes to driving in inclement weather. Not today. It didn't even hit me that I should be worried until I was almost to work on my local NPR station was broadcasting school delays. Then I didn't bother.

I want to continue this change in me....this letting go of constant, nagging worries that consume me to the point of sickness from time to time. Life is too precious to whittle it away with worrying. I'm just glad I've FINALLY accepted this, and now I can move forward and enjoy each day, even the mundane ones, to it's fullest.

Money CAN buy Happiness....

Or it can at least buy the husband the right to see his child and that makes us both really happy, especially since (in my completely biased opinion) she is pretty stinking cute:

Little One (who isn't so little anymore!) Last Thursday

She is outgoing and full of energy and I love hearing the stories of his weekly visits. Her favorite animal is a skunk and she loves to swing and draw. In November I'll be going with him to visit/"meet" her. (I use quotations, because I knew her from two weeks old to September of 2007, but we are not sure if her mother knows this, and Little One of course won't remember) He wants me to be there when we reintroduce the girls to each other, since Kiddo is pretty reserved around people she doesn't know and Little One is so extroverted and the last time they saw each other, Kiddo was 5 and Little One was about a year and very blonde. I'm sure it might be uncomfortable at first, but once Kiddo warms up to her, they will probably have tons of fun. Or not. Either way, we are a family, albeit a very non conventional one, but a family nonetheless.

***

We are just as poor as when I was still in college but man, are we happy. Husband job hunts every day, and has taken to Frisbee Golfing a few times a week to get him out of the apartment. I am not looking for a job anymore right now, because I can't take a pay cut with Husband not working. Also when I interviewed at a local private college last week and was told the pay was minimum wage I decided its time to put my job search on hold, and just worry about paying the bills and keeping current on things. And living life and not getting caught up on the problems so much, because really, who wants to waste their time on the bad parts? Not me. I have step-daughters to play with, an adorable baby niece to tickle, a husband to laugh with and great friends to see me through and right now, that's about all I can ask for.

One Year.

A year ago I was in the home stretch week before my wedding. I was ready to be married and even more ready to be in Florida for the honeymoon. Life was good and that week in Florida was spectacular.

So much can happen in a year. So much to make you realize what marriage is really all about.

Since I've became a wife I've also became a stepmother, an aunt and a godmother. Also a person who is capable of caring for a baby for extended lengths of time (I hadn't ever been alone with a baby for longer than a few hours before). I've become that married woman who doesn't want her own babies and I'm okay with it, even though society tends to freak out whenever it comes up. I'm learning how to bite my tongue occasionally and just be supportive but also how to ask him for help when I need it. I've learned how the dishes are not a valid reason to be angry, ever.

In 3 weeks I'll become the solitary earner in our household. To me, this is the scariest scenario to date. Just when I had finally gotten to a place where our finances were not a constant on my mind worry, his company decides to downsize the graphics department and relocate it to an office an hour and half away. Yes, he'll file for unemployment and yes, I'm sure he'll get it, but it is only a percentage and then there's Kiddo's child support to pay and the court date for Little One is the Monday after his last day of work, which we are responsible for the court fees. And Christmas will be impossible and the possibility of not being able to stay afloat which is very real makes my chest tighten and my eyes water and the room spins and I don't even know where to start or what to do to make this better.

***

I have a job interview tomorrow. The money is better, the job similar to what I do now but (hopefully) with less of the BS. If it goes well and a job offer comes of it, I'm taking it and we'll be moving shortly after once again. There are more jobs in Columbus for Husband to pursue and as much as I LOVE where we live now, driving one hour both ways to work every day isn't very appealing. Things are bad, but could be worse, right? Right.

What day is it?

Life goes on. I keep going. There are a million and a half things going on for me right now. I've stopped caring when I can't remember what day it is right away in the morning time. If its still dark out and the alarm is going off, it means get out of bed and exercise. If I wake up on my own to pee, its probably about 7:30 and I forgot to turn on said alarm or its the weekend and its time to go back to sleep. If the sun is shining through my windows, its probably the weekend, which means I need to get up at some point and exercise before I do anything else.

I went to Chicago for work. It was fun times. It has also added to my confusion and made it painful to come back to work, but whatever.

Operation fit into dress is in full swing. I got real worried this morning (I'm having a I-feel-like-a-beached-whale-I'm-so-fat day, so that doesn't help) but I'm going to calm myself by calling the alteration place that did my wedding dress and see when I could bring it by, just in case there is something to be done to give me some wiggle room.

My niece should be here the day before my bff gets married. Which means I probably won't be there at the hospital, but I will get to go visit Sunday before going back home. I am still buying adorable tiny things for her. I love her already, and I haven't even met her.

I could not be happier for all these life changing events going on with people I hold so dear. Summer will be even sweeter this year though, because I'll have some serious down time starting Memorial Day weekend.

Home.

The apartment we currently call home is approximately 1200 Sq. ft. of living space consisting of two bedrooms, one bath with an open floor plan living/kitchen/dining area. Until last week, it was thought of by me as a temporary space we are on the verge of outgrowing. Due to various reasons, including fiscal and personal, we are not ready to buy a house so I'm on a mission to transform the home of all our crap into a home that is truly ours. My husband and I decided we don't like moving much, so until we can buy a house, we are staying put. Might as well get comfy, right?

Now, if you know me, you know I am slightly handicapped in the arena of designing anything. Clothes, home decor, arts and crafts, etc...but I am trying to make a true effort to change this. But I need help. That's where the interweb comes in. It is chock-full 'o goodies.

Most of the inspiration to begin this transformation of our rental into our home comes from reading about a friend's own decorating adventures over at Turn Right at Lake Michigan. While they are renovating their first home (something I don't even want to think about undertaking...they have bigger balls than I) there are many interior design topics that come up, and that's what I'm going for. If home ren-o is your thang or if you just like witty banter, check it out (yes, I just said thang, it wasn't a typo).

Apartment Therapy has proven to be an amazing source for inspiration so far as well. Here's a snapshot of what I likey from them.

For the bedroom:

I have a weak spot for trees/nature worked into design and I love the wall mounted dressing area for its space saving abilities.

For the living room:





I find myself loving clusters of things hung on walls. It reminds me of collages I used to make as a kid and since we have high ceilings in the living room, why not? I also am digging the t.v. stands that double as shelving/storage. And I will have a sectional couch like the one above even if we have to eat ramen noodles all summer long. It would be perfect for our living room, and since the couch seen here is awful, our first large purchase will be a sectional:

Kiddo doesn't judge us for our post-fire donated couch and although its functional and pretty comfortable, its very ugly. (ps-she read that chapter book in two sittings! She's a genius I swear and please ignore my hubby's scruffy do...he even admitted yesterday he's overdue for a cut)

For Ms. Kitty:
Even though I don't know where we would fit this, I thought it was so smart...it's an IKEA hack, consisting of a $60 cabinet and a $13 kitty door.

Again, all these (and more!) can be found at the amazing Apartment Therapy.

I am going to try to use updating this blog as motivation to keep re-working our space at home. I will admit I forgot to take before pictures when re-organizing the space right inside what we use as the main entrance, but here is the after, with a fabulous shoe rack I got on clearance at Target for $6.50: (I apologize for the crappy blackberry photo as well)

The wall crap needs a do over as well, but for now at least my shoes aren't the focal point of the space. Maybe by next time I'll have the table removed from what is now a reading nook near the deck doors to nowhere (that's a whole other post) and I'll share that space, or just some pictures of the apartment the weekend we moved in...since not much has changed since then...but that is about to...well, change.

Til next time.

Grad School.

For calling myself a classic burn out case, grad school won't go away...people won't let my smoldering embers die, so to speak.

Yesterday afternoon my work phone rang and it was my advisor. She found me. It threw me off so bad, but it was good to touch base with her and I knew it would happen eventually, it was only a matter of time. I have been carrying around 412 surveys in my car for the past 6 months. Surveys that focus on what she has studied for the past 15 years, which she kindly suggested I research with her as my Master's Project when she saw me struggling to find my own topic. There was bound to come a day where she finally wanted them back.

I didn't know what to say to her...she made it a point to say she wan't upset or anything and she understands life happens and gets in the way a lot, and now I am going to meet with her this afternoon. She even insinuated since I entered the majority of the data, that she'll give it back to me when she's done w/it and I can finish up....I think. She is awesome for doing this, since I sort of crapped out on her.

But wait, it gets better.

I had to ask my boss if it was okay if I left early to go meet with her around 4 this afternoon. He said, "yes of course that is fine" and I was happy to be leaving at 3:30 on a Friday, woo! Well 10 minutes ago, he came into my office and started asking questions. "When are you finishing up your Master's?" I explained it him what happened, new job + moving + getting engaged + the holidays= no time for grad project plus that I want to finish it but I'm not sure if I have the steam left in me....my classic, "I had been in school for 6 years straight when I stopped" line. He told me to go work it out with my advisor, leave at 3 so we have plenty of time to talk and report back to him Monday with my plans to finish. He even mentioned that once I get the Master's he would look into getting my PhD funded....wait.....what?!? Whoa buddy, he just upped the ante, or whatever they say.

I had high hopes many years ago of getting a Phd but I let those go when I realized the dedication, work and time that goes into it, and now, my crazy, slightly workaholic boss wants to fund it? Really? That pretty much changes everything.

Or does it? I'm so very conflicted on this topic. I know what everyone is thinking...finish the master's at the very least, but I have gotten used to NOT being in school, plus I have a wedding plan, PLUS I'm the Matron of Honor in a wedding that is next May plus I'm freaked out about it....blah blah blah.

Opinions are much needed on this.....

Do I bit the bullet and jump back into the Master's Project now? Wait til after the wedding and start up in September? I truly don't know what to do...my newfound lazy when it come to the idea of school side says "are you insane?!" but the scholar inside me says, "you are SO close to a Master's...and possibly a PhD, doooooo it!!"

HELP!

Change.

I'm having a "blogdenity" (hah!) crisis and decided to go for a fresh approach. It's white..reminds me of freshly laundered things and cleanliness.

Maybe it will procure more readers? Anyone?

Bueller?? Bueller???

Oh well, I like it more this way. Hopefully my one follower enjoys the change too.

Denial?

I love babies. Other people's babies, that is.

Chloe Ann: most laid back baby ever.

This brings me around to the topic I've visited before: not wanting my own little bundle of joy. I love cuddling them, dressing them and playing with them...I don't even mind feeding them, but then I give them back to their parents to do the dirty work and the actual parenting. I don't know if I would ever consciously choose to create something I would be responsible for rearing. I don't think I'm that selfless; I don't think I would be very good nor would I enjoy it as much as some people do.

This is why I've always taken great precaution to keep accidents from happening, and will continue to do so. Five years ago, it would have been pretty much the worst thing I could have imagined. Now, it is almost as if I wouldn't know what I would do until I was actually in the situation. I'm about to get married and I'll be 25 this September. Some people would even go as far as to call me an adult, even though most of the time, I don't feel like one.

I sort of hope to have this figured out in the next three years or so, because although I'm not sure if I'm up for having kids or not, I do know if I want to have them, it has to be in the next few years. I don't want to have a relationship like my mom and I did....not really liking each other until I moved out.

Negative Nancy

I was not in a happy place when I woke up today...and it has taken me until now to pep-talk myself out of it.

I sometimes wonder if I need to go talk to someone about all of this anxiety I have. Is medication the answer? I really don't know. I always thought of things this way: everyone has their issues, and it all depends on how you deal and I work to deal with mine every day. Some days go better than others, but lately there have been a lot of angsty, sad and worried days. Maybe its the nupitals, maybe its the fact that I'm finally out of school and going to be 25 this year and don't really like my job. Or maybe its all of this. Or none of it.

Whatever it is, I am exhausted from dealing with said issues. I have all these constant worries that I can't get out of my head. Ranging from money, to health, to relationships to family...just about every aspect of my life. Mostly they are things I cannot control....or that I try to control and fail miserably.

Maybe I need a happy pill. Maybe I need a drink, but whatever the case is, I need something I'm not getting to help me not be such a cranky bitch so often.

Happy Blog

Due my recent constant state of tenison, I've decided I need an attitude adjustment, or at least attempt one so I can say "at least I tried".

I am very thankful for the following:
1. I have a job that allows me to pay my bills, and isn't too horrible to do day-in and day-out.
2. I have a wonderful fiance who, after over three years together, still gives me butterflies.
3. I'm getting married. At one point in my life, I thought this would never happen.
4. Despite our few problems, my family is very supportive and pretty functional.
5. I have a handful of great friends.
6. Coffee. I can live without it, but I choose not to.
7. the TV show 'Friends' being on DVD. I think I would lose my mind without something to watch that isn't fuzzy since we don't have cable and after February 16 or whatever probably won't get many digital channels consistently since we have yet to find a digital antenna that actually works for us.

I am going to put a lot of effort into remembering these things on a daily basis. There are so many people in this country and others that are struggling in so many different ways. I need to be more thankful I have my teeny stressors instead of huge ones.

In totally unrelated news....Happy Birthday Lincoln, you rocked a beard like no other.

So this is the New Year.

I am a little scattered brained today. This week has confused the shit out of my sleep schedule and I slept like crap last night. Most likely because I took a two hour nap yesterday while fiancé watched one of the 15 college bowl games on tv (we still don't have cable, so I can't really argue when there is literally nothing else on) but I digress...

I am trying to get to a point....but I'm having trouble remembering what it was in the first place. Oh yes, the standard reflective New Year's blog. That is where I was going with this.

I love New Year's. I actually think it is a semi-neurotic girl's best friend. Here is why: you get a fresh start. The Calendar says so. It is a new year. Right now we all have 363 days in front of us (barring any freak accidents) to do with what we choose. Here is how I choose to spend 2009:

The biggest one that pretty much overlaps with the other small promises I have for myself is
1. stress management. I will strive to get a handle on my stress level and bring my normal state of being down a couple notches on the stress. Along with this, comes the
2. healthy lifestyle I want to continue practicing. Eating right and exercising has a HUGE impact on my moods. Last but not least, I want to
3. find a new hobby that incorporates the first two. As much as I love reading, its competely sedentary, makes me sleepy and hurts my eyes when I over do it. Other than that, I've decided only the extreme OCD truly claim cleaning as a hobby, therefore I will no longer do so (haha), I don't have much in the hobby area these days. There is a yoga studio literally next door to where we live, and in a couple weeks (after I've been active on a daily basis again for a bit...I don't want to hurt myself) I'm going to go check things out and join a beginner's class.

I am excited for 2009. If you can't tell from the fiancé talk, Boyfriend proposed on Christmas night and has transformed into Fiancé, woo! We are pretty much set on the end of August (Tabulous: you will get a full explanation on this at a later date) and I'm getting my first taste of real wedding planning. I have a binder going already with preliminary guest list and timeline of things needing to be done. So one year from now, I will be a Mrs. AND a Step-Mom. I am actually excited about both those things, strange as it may seem. I really do love Kiddo and Little One and can't wait to be an official, legal part of their lives.

Now I know things probably won't go exactly as planned and there will be times where I am stressed over things I shouldn't be, eating deep fried things and sitting on my ass, but we are all human and if I think I'm NOT going to mess up, I would be crazy.

Happy 2009. I hope everyone has a great NEW year.

Yay.

So I have gained 7.4 pounds since mid July. Not as much as I expected so that is great. Although I was not treated like a new member since my file was still on site and I didn't have to fill out paper work again, I am acting like I am starting from scratch so my first major goal is 10% of my (new) starting weight. I now know this plan is something I am going to have to follow for the rest of my life and I am perfectly okay with this fact. I need the structure in order to keep on track. I have a refreshing sense of calm about things as well. If I can't control x, y and z that is going on in my life right now, at least I can control what is going into my mouth once again.

Plus, I have this pesky habit of putting other people's needs before my own and I need to do this for me, not only for my physical health, but for my mental health as well.

Thoughts about...babies*GASP*

(Disclaimer: due to this being the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I have just about nothing to do at work, plus this place is deserted so I'm extra bored, thus explaining the random and multiple blogs)


I was cyber-stalking various females I knew in another life (ie: high school) and realized a lot of them have reproduced. Which is fine. What perturbs me about this is how as I was looking at pictures and things, I feel like I am missing the train on this life experience; in other words, I almost feel jealous of these girls. Which really throws me off. I've always found myself saying "I love kids, I just don't want my own" but I am starting to wonder if I am wrong about this.

Then my childhood comes flooding back to me; I had the best parents in the world, but was a very unhappy child inside. Kids can be a-holes and superficial, I don't wish their ridicule upon anyone. I often wonder how different my self-esteem would be now if I would have looked different as a kid. Isn't that horrible? That, along with the annoyance level sometimes created by kids, has always kept me on the straight and narrow about not wanting them.

Although the thought of giving bf (who will eventually be Husband) the chance to do the kid thing the more "traditional" way makes me smile and I know he is great dad, I just don't know if I truly want to. Plus as far as he knows, I don't want them and as far as I know he doesn't want another...but who knows.

Plus there is the whole swallowing my pride and admitting I was mistaken all those years I said I didn't want kids to all the people who said things like "that will change when you meet the right person". But that isn't even what has caused the (semi) change of heart on the subject. When I first met him, and actually up until a couple months ago, I was still 100% not wanting to reproduce. Then bf's sister has to go and have the cutest and happiest baby known to man, and its all been down hill from there. Plus I've grown so fond of Kiddo and I really do miss and am heartbroken about us not being able to see Little One that I think I could do it for myself some day maybe. I dunno.

I do feel better spewing all of these thoughts out here. So woo for that.

History

I have not felt pride for my country in a very long time. I've felt disappointment, anger, sadness, disbelief and a slew of other negative feelings over the past 8 years. I even felt ashamed on certain occasions, but last night, I have never been more proud to have been born and raised in Suburban Ohio in this great nation. For once, the country has learned from her mistakes and done something about it. For once, we have shown the world we are as equal as we say we are. For the first time in years, I am actually optimistic that this country will become known once again for the great things she does opposed to the heinous and that we will lead by example to bring real change all over the globe.

So, twenty years from now, when asked where I was the night the first African-American, Senator Barack Obama, became president, I will vividly remember the feeling of sitting on my couch, drinking a beer and feeling elation about the state of my country. Mostly because this is the first time that has ever happened but also because I am SO proud to be an American for the first time in my adult life.

This was a victory for so many people....not only African Americans, but women too. With a VP candidate like Sarah Palin, I was pretty freaked out about the possibility of her making it to the White House, and then, being second in command behind an old guy (okay, I'll admit it, she scared me more than a politician ever has). The woman actually makes rape victims pay for their rape kits in Alaska and wants to make abortion illegal, even if the incident producing the child was incest and/or the victim was raped. She donated volunteer pilots so Alaskans could aerial hunt wolves and then, rewarded them with some ridiculous amount of money (I read 18,000...but I this isn't confirmed) for every fresh left leg from the animal they brought in. That is what Governor Palin is doing with Alaska's money? Can you imagine what would have happened if she made it to the White House? Thankfully, we don't even have to think about the possibilities anymore.

The middle class also had a major victory. Barack Obama spoke to us and we listened. He wants to provide tax cuts to the middle class (news flash: THATS THE MAJORITY OF AMERICAN CITIZENS!) and tax the wealthiest 5% who have been receiving breaks for the past 8 years from the Bush Administration. That speaks for itself.

I'm excited about the future of this country. We did it! Change is inevitable, and now since we have the right leadership, the right changes can be made.