Forty.

As I have mentioned before, I was raised Roman Catholic meaning every year around this time I contemplate all the things I tried (and usually failed at) giving up or doing better for the 40 days leading up to Easter.

I'm about as non-practicing as a Catholic can be. I'm not even a C&E Catholic (Christmas and Easter) I've become only a C Catholic. Blame my liberal arts degree and that minor I picked up in anthropology.

I have always loved a good challenge and, as an adult I still like to give up or commit to something during Lent, regardless of my current, actual mass attendance or buffet style (I pick and choose from a variety of belief systems) spirituality. I would like to make this the year I actually see something through. I am not sure if I have ever done this, if I did, I don't remember now.....

Anyways, I am, starting tomorrow, challenging myself to 40Days of Movement. Meaning I will get at least 30 minutes of moderate to high intensity exercise per day, for the next 40. I am not going to be picky about what form this exercise takes, it could be (but not limited to):

Walk/jogging
hiking
Wii-Fit activities
Dancing around my apartment
vigorous cleaning of the apartamento
Chasing children around a playground (ones I know, I'm not a creeper)

And basically anything that will get my blood pumping and my endorphins going.

Since I've already proven I can't blog every day (remember 30 Days of Truth? Yeah I'm just not witty enough to find something clever to say every day) I'm going to twitter about it. And if anyone wants to join me, tag that shit as #40DaysMovement and get sweaty along with me, because its always more fun than getting sweaty alone.

Let's endorphinize! And remember: Endorphins make you happy, happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't.

I couldn't have said it better myself. Husbands everywhere will sleep better :)

Day Thirty: Letter.

Dear Me,

Somewhere, somehow you grew up. You became self-reliant and (even more) independent than you had always been. You make sure the bills are paid and that there's food to eat and even though it has become apparent how grown up you are, I love how you remember being a kid, especially where your step-daughters are involved.

In the past year you have began to learn how to worry less and live more; you have learned that how you envision something is very rarely ends up in real life.... and you have accepted that you might as well stop thinking ahead on EVERYTHING. You can only plan so much, because then life happens and things will be different. Often things are so different, but still fabulous.

I love how you are learning to embrace the unknown.....you used to say you enjoyed it, but the truth was it terrified you, now you see uncharted territory as endless possibilities.

I love how you have began to be comfortable with who you are inside and out...which isn't an attainable goal to you but something that is a skill to hone and change as you change. I love how you have began to look at exercise as part of your lifestyle, not as something to do for a certain time span to achieve weight loss. I love how you have finally admitted you may never be smaller than you were on your wedding day, but that is okay.

I love how you focus on the positive and in an effort to make the negative melt away...life is too short to remember the bad times.

I love how much you go above and beyond for the people who are most important to you; that you know the best thing you can do is compromise when someone doesn't see eye to eye with you and that you are slowly but surely learning how to admit you were wrong, and mean it.

Basically, I love how you have opened up to change....most people don't like change but you have admitted to yourself that people can change for the better and things you used to think you didn't want for your life are starting to make more sense....even if they scare you. A lot.

You have so much living left to do, so don't be afraid to forget the details (for once) and live in the now, because it passes faster each year.

Much Love,
You

So although it took me a bit longer than anticipated, I completed the 30 Days of Truth thing. I think it was a learning experience....so woo-hoo for personal growth.

Day TwentyNine: Change.

Change happens all the time, whether you like or not....whether you want it or not. I know I am different than I was a year ago, two years ago etc....although at my core I'm the same, or am I?

Driving to work this morning, after I dusted powdery snow off my car, I wasn't a ball of nerves like winter's past. The car I currently drive (and the previous one) is very compact and while I have good tires, it still isn't exactly made for snow. The past couple winters have been pretty snowy and I spent many mornings/evenings taking the long way to work; being nervous when it comes to driving in inclement weather. Not today. It didn't even hit me that I should be worried until I was almost to work on my local NPR station was broadcasting school delays. Then I didn't bother.

I want to continue this change in me....this letting go of constant, nagging worries that consume me to the point of sickness from time to time. Life is too precious to whittle it away with worrying. I'm just glad I've FINALLY accepted this, and now I can move forward and enjoy each day, even the mundane ones, to it's fullest.

Day TwentyEight:Prego.

What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

According to my subconscious, I'd birth a boy child, be sad for a second about it being a boy and argue with my husband over the name (he wanted Tyler Joseph, I wanted Tyson Joseph, we would call him Ty for short, in the real-awake world, I don't even like either.) Yeah, I had my first real, live I'm pregnant dream this week. I woke up sweating and relieved. And freaked out, because of how happy I was in the dream.

I've been sitting on the procreation-is-not-for-me wagon since my girlfriends started talking about having babies when I was a teenager (not having them 16-and-pregnant style, but you know, after they married some dreamy guy, while wearing big poofy dress). I still feel this way. All the pressure to shape someone's personality and oh the worry....I can only imagine the anxiety. I worry enough about my step-daughters, and they are even babies anymore. I have a laundry list of reasons of why I don't want to be pregnant/do the mom thing and won't go out of my way to put myself in that situation, but if it were to happen unplanned is completely uncharted territory.

I used to shrug it off and simply say, I don't want kids, until people sort of got what I meant (or I just completely avoided answering if it were someone I didn't know well) but now....I have no friggen idea what I would do.

***

It has started simply enough. I admitted to myself I am jealous there are two women in the world who have something with my husband that I don't: offspring. It is in the back of my mind 95% of the time.

Then I remember my own childhood. The teasing and name calling and bullying and the self-hate that started at an age in the lower single digits. I don't want my (proverbial) kid to go through anything like that.

Then I remember how amazing it was to see my niece all tiny and pink minutes after she was born.

Then I think about this: what's the point of having kids and then paying someone else to watch them 40 hours a week? While at the same time thinking: I would lose my damn mind being a stay at home Mom....then I think, well, maybe I would work part time.....

Then I think of how amazing my husband is with his girls and my heart nearly explodes because it is something I really love about him.

Then I think about how fantastic our marriage is right now. And how a new study just came out that 90% of parents reported decreased marital satisfaction after having a baby. That doesn't really bode well with me.

I will admit to being a bit of a control freak. I like to plan things. Babies (once they are conceived) can only be planned in naming and preparing for them but there are so many variables: you could have a fantastic pregnancy where you feel amazing all the time or you could be puking for the first two trimesters (like my sister). Your baby could be pretty much perfect (like my niece) or a mean baby (like one of my sister's friends little one, I swear, she was scowling at my sister in a photo, no joke) you could be supremely happy in the months/year following delivering a child or plagued with postpartum depression.

So I guess I can say, in all honesty, I have absolutely no clue what I would do if I got knocked up tomorrow. And since I've been on the pill for years now....the real question is: what would I do if I WANTED to get pregnant tomorrow? And the real answer is freak the eff out, cry, and tell my husband. That is all that is for sure.

Day TwentySeven: Best.

I feel like the best thing going for me right now is the compilation of all the small things going well, considering our circumstances. Or perhaps my ability to accentuate the positive? Either way, here's a list of the good:

I have a job with decent benefits that is paying our bills. My family is amazing and the fact that tomorrow my oldest step-daughter will be seeing her sister for the first time in 3 years makes my heart swell. It won't be long until we get to spend time as a family of four again.

I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for. We recently pulled off a surprise benefit for one of the sweetest women I know who is battling cancer where we made over $6700. They keep me laughing and remind me of how important it is to let loose and have fun sometimes.

I've convinced myself exercise is something I just need to do each day, sort of like brushing my teeth in the morning and before bed. Just another part of the routine. This is already helping my mood, which usually takes a nose dive when it gets cold...and then another after Christmas, since its cold AND all the holiday crap is over and there isn't much to look forward to besides spring, which sometimes doesn't come until April or May. Since I've started now, I'll continue through the dead of winter and who knows maybe even drop a size or two in the process.

You see, its all good, if you look at things in the right way.

Day TwentyFive/TwentySix: Life.

(I tend to suck at writing over the weekends, so here is two more posts to keep me on track)

The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Besides the biological fact that my body is functioning and keeping me alive? I think I am still here because of a few very important people.

First, my bff since the 8th grade. Adolescence was hard on me, but having one person who always took my side and often defended me to others really made things bearable. Now that we are adults (so weird to say still) and I look back and feel so damn lucky to have had her. I don't know if I would have made it through high school without her. Her house was my second home, and her mom is my second mom. We don't see each other nearly as often as either of us would like, but when we do get together it always feels like it used to...besides that we work 40 hour weeks and both have husbands.

Second, my sister. I remember being 6 years old and I got to ride along with her on a errand to the grocery store (she was 16 at the time). I didn't talk much, because I didn't know what to say to her but I remember thinking to myself, someday we'll be great friends and have so much talk about. And then we were. I was 16 and she was 26 and I would spend the night with her on the weekends mostly to not have to worry about a curfew, but also just to hang out. And to get advice on things I couldn't talk to our mom about. Now I'm 26 and she's 36 and I talk to her every day, either on the phone or through messaging. She's a mom and I'm a step-mom but I sometimes spend the night at her place still, but now it's so I can play with my niece. I'm pretty much obsessed with her, and I feel like I am supposed to be here to support my sister as she raises her.....but I still get advice on things I can't talk to my mom about.

Third, my husband. I've written more times than I probably should about how we met and how he balances me so well so I won't go there again. We don't have much money, we have more scheduling/event planning issues than a conference center and our relationship isn't perfect by any means (he does this pouty-child face while he stares at the floor and doesn't say anything whenever we have a disagreement, it drives me nuts) but at the end of the day, we love each other and we face all the problems together and that makes all the difference. I still get excited to see him when I get home from work every day. He has brought me more joy than I've ever known and he's allowed me to be the part of two little girls lives in the process, which I feel like is another part of the reason I am here. I know it can't be easy on kids when their parents are not together, so I really try to be a positive influence/role model for them as much as possible and I feel like that is part of why I met the husband, it be a positive female in the lives of these little girls.

Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Yes. Junior year of high school and because I was very depressed.

Looking back, I wish I could have known then what I know now....about how much stuff in high school doesn't matter, but I didn't. And it did matter back then; it was all that mattered. All that matters now though, is I didn't give up, I made it through, and life is so much more than 4 years spent in high school.

Day TwentyFour: Playlist.

Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Somewhere Over the Rainbow-Isreal Kamakawiwo'ole
You've Got a Friend-James Taylor
All You Need is Love-The Beatles

Dear Lilly,

Growing up, I read all the Wizard of Oz books and watched the movie more times than I could count. That being said, Somewhere Over the Rainbow is a song about wishes and dreams and how great it would be to make those things come true. I hope it reminds you how important it is to dream and how wonderful dreams can be.

You've Got a Friend is a guide to knowing when someone you meet is truly a friend or foe. If this song applies to them, then you are lucky, because sometimes good, true friends can be hard to see through the fake ones. Listen to the words and then you will know.

I'm sure you will be well educated on the Beatles as you get older, but All You Need is Love is a song I hope you remember when things get rough. I hope it reminds you of where are you from and of what is truly important in life: the relationships with the people you love.

I can't wait to watch you grow up.

Love,
Auntie

Day TwentyThree: Undone.

(So last week was a complete fail, once again, at getting back on track with 30DaysofTruth. Now I'm just going to stick to once a day again, just a bit off schedule.)

Something you wish you had done in your life. I feel like I am too young to have a lot of major regrets about my life thus far but the one thing that comes to mind is: living solo. I moved from my parents to college, where I never lived with less than two other people. Then in 2007 the husband and I moved in together (which looking back, was sort of insane, we had only been together for about a year and a half, and we only saw each other once a week good thing that worked out I guess!).

Before I met the husband, I dreamed of living in my own little place (mostly on the days my roommates were driving me crazy) but also just because I thought it would be nice to do my own thing whenever I wanted; to not have to always be surrounded by people. It was something I always thought I would end up doing that did not happen. I couldn't imagine not living with my husband though. I always say he is the best roommate I've ever had because he never borrows my clothes and always takes out the trash :)

Day TwentyTwo: Regret.

Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.

I don't regret many things. I learn from the bad experiences and move on. Except for one gigantic time period that is: adolescence.

I wish I wouldn't have been so sensitive to the bullies. I wish I hadn't spent night after night crying in high school, cutting myself (with a lady bic razor no less) to dull the pain. I wish I could look back on those years and smile with nostalgia instead of grimacing with thoughts of how painful things were. I wish I hadn't let it all get to me so much, because really, it all seems so far away now, so not worth the tears and heartache.

Yet still, after all those painful years, I wear my heart on my sleeve but I do it proudly at this point. I don't see it as a bad thing, I see it as something that is a part of who I am; something that lets me experience life in a way that many people never will.

Epic 30DaysofTruth Fail.

I failed at this around Day 18 (in my defense, work was crazy AND a benefit for a good friend happened this weekend, so out of work time was crazy and then Kiddo was over and yeah I suck....) but here is my shortened version of each to play catch up:

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

To each his/her own. In a time where half of all marriage fail in this country, I feel like anyone, no matter their sexual orientation should have a crack at it. Plus, all those "marriage is sacred" people are usually on their 4 or 5 one (example: Rush Limbaugh is on his 4th where the 59 year old married a 33 year old girl. Nuff said.) Plus my first best friend in the 3rd grade was a boy who later came out in high school. We played barbies together as kids, so I always knew. I love me some gay dudes. In grad school, I had a girl crush on the cutest lesbian ever...we worked together on a project and she called me pretty. How flipping flattering is that?! Basically, whatever floats your boat is my credo on love in the romantic sense.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (I choose to discuss religion....politics are annoying, at best. Religion talk is the lesser of two evils to me.)

I see religion as something that gets so many people through each day and through tough times of life. I see the point and why there are so many different ones, but growing up Catholic I found little solace in my faith. I dabbled in being Methodist for a while. Then I went to college, became an Anthropology Minor and learned so much about evolution that I can't believe in God and all that jazz. I also took an Eastern Religions course where I decided if I did ever decide to pursue one again, it would be Buddhism.

Currently I like to think we aren't all just floating around on a whim, and that things to do happen for a reason, but I don't think God is that reason. I don't think praying to this God results in things happening or not happening, but I do think it makes people feel better to believe such a thing, so again, to each his/her own. Wouldn't it be nice of religious extremists (of all faiths, mind you) could say the same?

I also think religion is used by the powerful to undermine the weak, and that it has NO PLACE WHATSOEVER in government (even though it continues to crop up again, an again and yet again.)

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Ehhhhhhhh, this is tricky, because I used to partake in smoking a certain plant (and when legalized, I would probably again) AND I have a very love/hate relationship with booze. But let the truth be told......

I am a high strung individual. I don't decompress easily so I sort of used to use a little maryjane for medicinal reasons. It made me such a nicer person to be around. And yeah, it was smoked a lot just for the hell of it as well. After a while though, it got boring, and all I would want to do is nap afterwards, and that's not exactly conducive to getting homework done in college. I don't think Marijuana is addictive. At all. I think some people just really, really like to get high all the time. I have friends who have jobs, pay their bills and taxes and are awesome people, plus they like to get high. I think the government should legalize and tax the crap out of it (much like Alcohol and cigarettes) and get on with it.

Besides that, I've never done any other drugs, or any "hard" drugs......with one single time of snorting coke. I was not impressed and never did it again. Addiction is a scary thing, and I am very careful when prescribed any strong painkillers because having an Alcoholic father and a somewhat addictive personality could equal very bad things. This also kept me away from anything crazy, along with good common sense that putting something in my body that could potentially make all my teeth fall out (ie: meth) is a BAD idea, no matter the high.

Drinking IN MODERATION is something I am A-OK with. When an individual loses control, time and time again, I have a major problem with it. It can be a very bad thing for some people. I've seen it, first hand, deteriorate relationships and cause so many problems that would have never been without intoxication. Alcoholism is a disease, and if you know me well, I tend to stop drinking altogether whenever something dramatic happens with my dad and the sauce. I haven't felt out of control with it since before I met my husband though, so I think I am doing just fine with occasionally, socially drinking.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

First off, my best friend and I are grown ups and we rarely fight anymore. I'm talking it has been YEARS since we have argued. We have agreed to disagree on certain things, but we never fight anymore. We don't live near each other to see each other a lot, so we just tend to have a good time catching up when we do.

If it would have happened when we were in high school, I would have cried a bunch and then headed to the hospital to make sure she was okay. If she was I would have apologized, and if she wasn't, I would probably be a much different person today. She is the best friend I've ever had.

So that catches me up. Hopefully from here on out I can keep on track!

Day Seventeen: Book.

The day we picked up my first set of glasses when I was 6 years old is a day I still remember clearly. I was mostly nervous but a little bit of me was excited. I brought a book (Bearenstein Bears) and read the whole thing out loud to my mom on the way home. My mother said from that day on she would find me in my room, reading out loud to my stuffed animals and later I would spend hours curled up on the couch with a book. Once I started a book, I couldn't put it down and once it was finished I wanted more.

My first book report in the fourth grade was on a biography about Jackie Kennedy. I read it twice just because I was sad when it was over.

I read 10 or 15 V.C. Andrews books the summer between 8th and 9th grade simply because my older sister had left them behind in what was now my room after she moved out. I thought it was weird to have them in my room but to have never read them.

So I did. And then after I read all of them, I took them to a used bookstore and traded them in for more. I was on a first name basis with the lady who owned that store by the end of the summer.

I love books. I've spent countless hours reading in my lifetime but one that stands out on changing my view about something is Number the Stars, by Lois Lowry. It tells the story of a little girl who's family takes in her friend from school during the war. I read it in the sixth grade and it was my first exposure (that I remember) to learning about World War II and the Holocaust. Once I was done, I felt like the world was a different place; that not only good things happen, but also the bad. I remember thinking how my grandparents were alive when these things were happening and I was in complete awe of how big the world really is.

***

My thirst for books will probably never be quenched. I go through phases with types and genres. I've been known to wander libraries for hours, reading backs of books and jacket flaps to find the right one. Reading is such a great escape, plus it's free!

Day Sixteen: Without.

Someone or something you definitely could live without.

One word that didn't exist 10 years ago: Facebook.

I have written here and here about how I love to hate the social networking site to end all social networking sites. Just last night, I begrudgingly logged on, because I needed to do something besides sit on the couch and vegetate, to find a friend request from my most recent (circa 2004) ex. It is bad enough he has moved back to the area and I have to see him in person again, but now he wants to be present online as well. I'm letting him dangle in friend-limbo (Frimbo, perhaps?) for a while. Eventually I will approve and then hide him from my newsfeed. I could really care less what is he up to, but I don't want to be that girl who denies friendships on Facebook. (Do you see why I hate it? I shouldn't care about being that girl, but I do.)

I've recently become friends with Little One's mom on there, which I am still sort of paranoid about choosing to do so, but its too late now. The damage is done, the friendship requested and approved. No turning back. I saw it as a peace offering, and as a chance to let her put together that I am the same girl she used to stalk on Myspace so many years ago.

I have seriously considered deleting it multiple times in the past 6 months, but then my healthy dose of "I won't know what's going on" fear kicks in, so I just tend to limit time I spend on there.

Cue U2 singing With or without you....because that's me and the Facebook.

In all seriousness, I could live without it, but I choose not to. I'm too invested at this point....too many pictures of my adorable niece have been uploaded, so some days I pretend like it doesn't exist and I actually, you know, spend time with my friends in person.

Day Fifteen: Without.

Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.


I'm going to do both...even if the second one is a stretch.

Something: coffee.

I relocated my coffee pot to my office, because previously more often than not, I was buying coffee every single morning while a perfectly good pot went unused at home. Now if I don't go out and buy some on the weekends I end up sleeping most of the day away. Most Saturdays aren't a problem, since I am usually out doing something or other anyways but Sundays are different. One Sunday I didn't go anywhere I think I fell asleep 4 different times between the hours of 1pm and 9pm. It was ridiculous. I got a hair up my a$$ a couple winters ago to quit drinking coffee and it sucked. So never again.

I only drink one cup in the morning....which is actually 16 ounces so it is technically two but that is all I have.

Someone: my husband.

Back when we were dating, we lived an hour apart and only saw each other once a week for the first 2 years. It first it was fine but after a while it was rough. Sometimes I missed him so much it hurt and I even got fired from a job (it was only my second day, and they tricked me. I mentioned how I hadn't seen him in 2 weeks and they said, do you want to leave early then? and I said yes. Next time I came in I was told it wasn't going to work out because I wasn't dedicated to the job.) because I left early to go see him. I hated how most of my friends never saw him and we spent very little time with my family back then. There were a few times I almost ended it because I wanted a boyfriend who I saw all the time but I always talked myself down from that proverbial ledge by remembering how good we were when we were together.

Once we moved in together (which was mostly his idea) things only got better, so while I haven't had to go from living with him to living without him, going from barely seeing him to living with him makes me think this applies?

Even if it doesn't, I don't think it matters...

Day Fourteen: Fallen.

A hero that has let you down. (letter)


Growing up, I idolized you. Even if you didn't know it and I didn't always show it. All I wanted was your approval an acceptance. Even when you were mean to me in front of your friends, even when you wouldn't defend me when I was getting picked on in school.

We are 26 and 29 and most days I still don't believe I have either from you, but I don't care anymore. Somewhere through those years I gave up on you. I grew up and I see you for what you are, for who you are and I pity you most days. It must be sad living so far from your family but then again, you must feel like royalty when the world stops turning (at least to them) when you are back in town.

I sometimes wonder what could have been and am sad for it for a moment, but its a waste, since that's not reality and never will be.

Day Thirteen: Music.

A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Dear Andrew McMahon,

Where would I be without the musical genius that is Something Corporate and Jack's Mannequin? It is a fact of my existence these two bands have spoke to me more consistently and longer than any other. Somehow you have created music I relate to on so many different levels.

Namely, Dark Blue from Everything in Transit and Swim from The Glass Passenger. I have clung to these two songs like a life preserver lately. What else can you do when your life has become this thing where all those things you expected to do....the things you expected to be are so far away from reality? If you are anything like me, you get in the car and sing a song at the top of your lungs that explains how you feel better than you could ever put into your own words....or you go for a walk on a deserted bike path and you sing and you feel better knowing there are thousands of other fans that do the very same thing.

Thank you for making music with just the right combination of melancholy and hope, it has helped me and continues to do so more than you will ever know.

Day Twelve: Never.

Something you never get compliments on.

My singing voice. Not that I spend all that much time singing in front of people...but when I do, it is not something encouraged by others. Which is a shame since if I hear a song two or three times the lyrics are forever cemented in my brain. I would rock those singing shows where you have to finish the lyrics and you win money, but I would never, ever sing on tv in front of all those people. And I love to sing. It is so much fun and such a release...but it is censored to in my car, in groups of girls acting silly or to my niece when I'm watching her by myself.

Every once in a blue moon I'll sing in front of the husband (usually in the car and half of the time, acting silly) and I get reminded of how tone deaf I am. He would be one to know; he can sing, play guitar/bass and play keyboard/piano by ear....oh and he can draw too. The guy is oozing artistic skills out of his behind.

I tell him I have an artistic mind which produces different ways of thinking about things...so there's my hidden talent :)

Day Eleven: Compliment Part One.

Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

The first thing that came to my mind was my skin, specifically my face. (side note: it is sort of funny since I have a strange zit/mole/wart blemish thingy...not sure what exactly it is...that has appeared on my cheek and it is freaking me out since it came out of nowhere.)

"How is your skin so clear? What products do you use? OMG you have the prettiest ivory skin tone" (Sometimes I think the last one is just trying to make my pasty Irish-German genes feel better in the dead of winter, but who knows) It is the strangest thing to me, since I never thought much of my skin, negative or positive, besides that I notice new wrinkles every now and then and hate them....and I have a never ending search for under-eye dark circle concealer, since I have them pretty bad.

I was at a party back in the spring, and a guy friend of mine had brought some chick he had just met. She had been drinking, a lot, and would not shut up about my skin. It was on the verge of creepy, like I started to think she wanted to hide-me-at-the-bottom-of-a-pit-and-make-me-put-the-lotion-on-the-skin-creepy. Then she started talking about how she always breaks out and tries every concealer she can find (ummm maybe why you break out all the time perhaps?) and how she is so ugly and I am so pretty and at that point I exited the room saying I needed to go find my husband. Talk about awkward. I was reassured by the guy friend I would never have to see hear again. He is classy.

Anyways, I don't really have a routine with skin care....besides washing my face in the shower and whenever else it feels gross (sometimes in the mornings, sometimes in the evenings but not always) and I try to remember to wear moisturizer with sunblock. I use the following:

Clean&Clear Daily face wash--the kind with the micro scrubbers, yeah I should probably graduate to something a bit more adult, but why fix what isn't broken? Plus its cheap!
Neutrogena Healthy Skin Moisturizer with SPF 15
Bare Minerals foundation, bronzer and Mineral Veil (if and when I wear makeup, which isn't every day)
Clean&Clear zit cream for whenever a random zit pops up. I dot it on before bed. It usually does the trick.

It is a nice compliment, and I always say thank you and attribute it to not wearing a ton of makeup all the time which is one part lazy and one part I know it breaks me out, so I just don't do it.

Day Ten: let go.

Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.

I honest-to-goodness do not have a person for this topic, but for the sake of the writing exercise (and since I'm going to see Little One and her mother tomorrow) a stretch would be Little One's mom.

I wish I didn't know her. She made the first year of the husband and I's relationship a lot more complicated than it should have been. I wish she could just be a crazy ex of my now husband, instead of the mother of his youngest child. I wish I would have pursued him right after I met him in September of 2005 (Little One was conceived in late November). But I didn't. And who's to say we would have made it if I had? Plus Little One would not be, and that would just be messed up. She was a part of our early relationship and seeing him with her, being there for the first night he kept her overnight....that was sort of something special.

Husband and Little One's mom are communicating well and getting along right now. I hope that continues...especially after I am added to the mix of things. Tomorrow. I'm nervous already.

The same thing can be said about Kiddo's mom, but there would be no Kiddo without her. So I'm learning to live with her frustratingly illogical, self-centered behavior; to take the road less traveled and not react when she does impossibly selfish things and obviously is not putting her daughter first. Or when Kiddo comes over stinky, time and time again. (She tells us she gets a bath once a week, Wednesdays when she is at her grandma's. Did I mention she is 8? Yeah.....that's a whole other post.)

So while I wish I didn't know these ladies, they are each one half of two little girls that I love. So I choose to deal with them with a smile on face knowing someday we won't have to see them nearly as much....and someday all of this could make a really good book.

Day Nine: Drifted.

Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.

Without a doubt, this is my sorority big. (Yeah, I was active in a sorority for about a year and a half in college, deal with it.) She was/is the sweetest thing in the world, and we became friends that hung out all the time pretty fast. Once she graduated and had a really bad break-up all at the same time, she sort of disappeared for a while. Then she moved farther away, and farther still and got married and I saw her less and less. The last time I saw her was April, when she was about 6 months pregnant (and adorable, since she is about 5''2 and 115 pounds soaking wet) and now she's a mom and I haven't even met the little guy. Which I think about all the time.

We had some really great times together, and I wish we saw each other more, but older I get, the more life seems to get in the way of things.

Day Eight: Life Part Two.

Someone who has made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

And the award goes to.....................................my college roommate. Well, one of the 11. Every time I lived with roommates, there were always at least 3 of us (for two years there were 4) and there was always one that things would go sour with eventually. I guess that's what happens when there's a bunch of chicks living together.

This specific roomie was an exception. It wasn't the usual roommate issues that drove us apart, it was much more. We became friends when she still lived in the dorms, and things were good for a time, but over that time I started to notice things. And then she treated me worse, and worse until I just couldn't deal with her and her issues anymore. It was hurting me to continue letting her be a part of my life. I really cared about her, but her actions showed she didn't give a shit about me in return.


I wrote this really long, drawn out narrative of her damage to me, but then I decided, she doesn't deserve a long post.

She is no longer in my life for a reason, and my life is that much better without her.