Forty.

As I have mentioned before, I was raised Roman Catholic meaning every year around this time I contemplate all the things I tried (and usually failed at) giving up or doing better for the 40 days leading up to Easter.

I'm about as non-practicing as a Catholic can be. I'm not even a C&E Catholic (Christmas and Easter) I've become only a C Catholic. Blame my liberal arts degree and that minor I picked up in anthropology.

I have always loved a good challenge and, as an adult I still like to give up or commit to something during Lent, regardless of my current, actual mass attendance or buffet style (I pick and choose from a variety of belief systems) spirituality. I would like to make this the year I actually see something through. I am not sure if I have ever done this, if I did, I don't remember now.....

Anyways, I am, starting tomorrow, challenging myself to 40Days of Movement. Meaning I will get at least 30 minutes of moderate to high intensity exercise per day, for the next 40. I am not going to be picky about what form this exercise takes, it could be (but not limited to):

Walk/jogging
hiking
Wii-Fit activities
Dancing around my apartment
vigorous cleaning of the apartamento
Chasing children around a playground (ones I know, I'm not a creeper)

And basically anything that will get my blood pumping and my endorphins going.

Since I've already proven I can't blog every day (remember 30 Days of Truth? Yeah I'm just not witty enough to find something clever to say every day) I'm going to twitter about it. And if anyone wants to join me, tag that shit as #40DaysMovement and get sweaty along with me, because its always more fun than getting sweaty alone.

Let's endorphinize! And remember: Endorphins make you happy, happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't.

I couldn't have said it better myself. Husbands everywhere will sleep better :)

People.

They are generally assholes, self-serving assholes. I know this to be fact, but I still let myself care too much and I let myself trust when really I should have known better.

I am cursed with my heart on my sleeve and a vain hope that people can change and people are good.

That's not how it really is and I know it. Hopefully, I will be wiser from this point on.

What day is it?

Life goes on. I keep going. There are a million and a half things going on for me right now. I've stopped caring when I can't remember what day it is right away in the morning time. If its still dark out and the alarm is going off, it means get out of bed and exercise. If I wake up on my own to pee, its probably about 7:30 and I forgot to turn on said alarm or its the weekend and its time to go back to sleep. If the sun is shining through my windows, its probably the weekend, which means I need to get up at some point and exercise before I do anything else.

I went to Chicago for work. It was fun times. It has also added to my confusion and made it painful to come back to work, but whatever.

Operation fit into dress is in full swing. I got real worried this morning (I'm having a I-feel-like-a-beached-whale-I'm-so-fat day, so that doesn't help) but I'm going to calm myself by calling the alteration place that did my wedding dress and see when I could bring it by, just in case there is something to be done to give me some wiggle room.

My niece should be here the day before my bff gets married. Which means I probably won't be there at the hospital, but I will get to go visit Sunday before going back home. I am still buying adorable tiny things for her. I love her already, and I haven't even met her.

I could not be happier for all these life changing events going on with people I hold so dear. Summer will be even sweeter this year though, because I'll have some serious down time starting Memorial Day weekend.

Married life.

Growing up in the good Catholic family that was mine, my parents stayed together (although there were many times I feared they'd divorce, due to Dad liking the sauce a bit too much, but that's a whole other fish to fry). This created a vision of "married" in my little developing psyche that my grown up marriage doesn't coincide with at all.

A bit of history:

My parents had already been married 12 years when I was born and were 35 with a 10 year old and a 3 year old. They were tired. Dad worked long hours and Mom bounced from part-time jobs that included Midnights and weekends for years. They did what was expected. They got married (at an older than average age for their time period: married in 1972 when they were both 24) and started a family. Somehow they raised us right and there were no babies out of wedlock or major let downs: both my sister and I graduated college and my brother is a Sergeant in the U.S. Army.

Fast forward to now. Married for five and a half months. I don't want children and we have Husbands 7 year old (and estranged 3 1/2 year old) to make up a very different kind of family. I still don't feel how kid version of myself imagined things would feel, mostly because I don't think you can fathom what adulthood feels like in general. More so, because I'm living a different experience than I watched as a youngster.

We have good days and bad days, like any couple. To this day, whenever we have a disagreement/argument (whatever you want to call it), it is the only emotional situation where I feel like I could hurl (everything else almost always triggers emo-eating). When things are bad, it only makes me want to fix things, learn from it and move on. When things are good, they are really good, like, I almost want to slap myself because I wonder how I lucked out and found someone so made for me. It's slightly nauseating.

Step-parenting, at its worst, feels like attempting to walk on egg shells that have been strewn across a semi-frozen lake (to me at least) but most of the time it isn't like that. Most of the time its nice to be important to someone other than Husband on a regular basis and to take pride in her accomplishments. She is a great kid, and that makes things so easy. Whenever Little One comes back into the picture, who knows how things will ensue.

I still don't know about babies. I love them, and my sister is having one in May which I couldn't be more excited for, but I just don't know if I want to share my husband any more than I already do. Call me selfish and weird, but its the damn truth. Plus the whole shaping of an individual's psyche freaks me out. Add in the expectation of child-rearing once married (why? we aren't farmers and over-population is sort of a problem these days) and I just don't feel the need to procreate.

I never had a relationship that lasted more than 6 months before I met my husband. I feel like I could spend the rest of our lives enjoying that (along with our kitty and maybe a dog, if we ever get a house) and investing our time and energy in each other, and his kids he already has.

I know, I know, I can hear you saying, "you will just wake up one day and want a baby of your own" and maybe I will, but for now, I'm going to spoil my niece that is coming in May, focus on my marriage and help raise my step-kids, and I'm perfectly okay with that.

MIA

I have some explaining to do, dear readers (all 4 of you....holla!!)

You see, I've been sort of lax on the blogging as of late. Mostly because I feel a very strong urge to bitch and moan every time I go to post something and I don't want to be a downer so I choose not to share on those particular days. Which lately, seems to be....well Every. Stinking. Day.

I need to get it out...so out with it: (although I will try to see the silver lining and put a positive spin on things)

I am struggling with this mess of a wedding...one day I am ready to take charge and the next I want nothing to do with it. I made a "everything left to do" list yesterday and its not awful, although the "things needing done that don't cost money" section is v. small, just like our bank account balance which in this case, is v. bad news, since just about everything we have left to do requires purchasing things.

I started working on my Master's Project again early last month but seem to have lost steam on that once again. My current excuse is, "my advisor is out of the state on vacation until July 20, so I can't do much more w/o consulting her" which is really, a load of crap...well, yes she really is on vacay, but I could be doing a lot on my own, I just choose not to. I know I'll finish, I just keep putting it off.

All the while I am trying with all my might to not worry incessantly about money. It is a HUGE problem for me...even when we have money, I worry about expensive "what if's" that could pop up. So I try and remember how most people don't have enough right now...and we both still have jobs and a place to live and cars that run and we are in love and getting hitched and we are really lucky to have each other.

So make me feel better today, lovelies....what is your biggest worry as of today, July 1st 2009? Sharing is fun...and it might make you feel a little bit better as well.

Ta-Da!

This completely ruins my anonymity of this blog....IF anyone who knows me in real life besides the one follower I have (love ya tabs!) e-stalks me, which they probably don't.....if you do, speak up! I'd love to feel loved :) Oh and hopefully no one steals my identity...but it doesn't matter too much, since my legal name will change in August anyway and I will continue to be Emmalane for all intents and purposes on Blogger....I digress....on with it...new ink:

Sorry for the craptastic image quality...my camera on my cell sucks. This is forever on in the inside of my left wrist because, forever, no matter what my legal last name may be, I'll be Melampy. I have no reservations about changing my name after I'm married, but before Fiancé I didn't really think I would ever meet someone and get married and on the off chance I did, I would be keeping my name or hyphenating. Fiancé's last name pretty much awesome, therefore I take it with great happiness...if he were a Miller or a Jones I don't know if I could do it...is that messed up?

On a somewhat related topic: this weekend was great. We had Kiddo's birthday party Saturday and then Sunday we took her to get a skateboard with some of her birthday money (per her request) and then to the park to try it out. We took a bazillion photos and I'll post a few later in the week if I think about it...she did so well learning the basics and looked adorable the whole time too. I truly hope she isn't being told bad things about me...I have no control over what her mother tells her so there is no telling how things will be in the future. She is such a great kid and she is smart too, so I hope she can see I adore as much as one can a step-child....which I think is just as much as if she was my own....but I don't have my own so I truly don't know. All I know is, I love her father like he's the last man on Earth and she is so much HIS child it is impossible to not adore her.

It's Monday Morning, bitches, and I plan on going at this week balls to the wall to get it over with and make it to another weekend cause that's what I work for right now. Someday I'll figure out the career thing, maybe, but for now, I'm loving every minute of my life besides work, and that's okay with me.

Gag.

As anti-bride as I have become....I'm beginning to be excited about the wedding for a few reasons. I am beginning to be excited to be the bride. Warning: gushing over love and wedding things follows, so if you can't stomach it right now, turn away.

Mostly, Fiancé and I have somehow evolved into this extremely functional-we-don't-fight-about-anything stage of our relationship even whilst planning the wedding. I'm not complaining or trying to toot my own horn, I'm just amazed to how this happened.

history: In our early years, we never fought about anything. We discussed a few times when there were slight problems...ie: he kept comparing me to his most recent crazy ex in front of people, and I just had to tell him, in private, this was not cool. I told him once and it never happened again. Once we moved in together, we went the first 6 months without any major problems...and then just an occassional growing pain type fight you encounter when you live with someone long term.
Now that we are approaching our two year mark on living together, becoming engaged and planning a wedding AND dealing with the usual problems with Kiddo's mom, we've had some shitty arguments. The last being in March, which was when I decided we were done arguing over anything wedding related. We would compromise or drop it, and I would stop pushing him about what he needs to do and just let him take care of things. He is responsible and if I don't bug him about it, he'll get it done sooner and not feel resentful about doing so.
We've been on this high since then....doing good things for each other and cooking together; overall just enjoying each other's company and appreciating each other. It's mushy-gushy type of stuff, but I can't get enough of it. I'm sure we'll do something in the next 4 months to ruin this, but hey, that's life.

The second reason for heightened excitement about the weddings is my shower is coming up soon...this means presents and cake and mimosas, oh my! I never had a birthday party growing up....my family never had the money for all the crap that went with a kids birthday (decorations, favors for the other kids, etc...) so it was just a few gifts and a dinner out to Bill Knapp's with my grandparents since I shared my birthday with my grandpa and my mom's is two days later. I have been saying for a while now I'm only doing a shower because my mom didn't get to have a traditional one for my sister and since we registered for so much stuff it would be rude not to but I'm secretly excited about it. A whole party for meeeeeee! Where I get to be pretty and people will give me presents and I don't have to play the games (even though my girls have been forewarned about making the games as cool as possible, since I hate them) Shhh though, don't blow my cover, I have a reputation to uphold.

So in conclusion, my mood matches the weather today: gorgeous and sunshiny. Sorry if this post induced vomiting.

PS-It's Kiddo's Birthday today! Happy Birthday Kiddo, you are an amazing person, and are growing up into an awesome little woman!! xoxo

Grateful.

So I'm all over the online social networking world. Myspace, Facebook, Twitter...even a cool little Ning network called Offbeat Bride Tribe. This blog is my own little place...and I know very, very few people (probably just the one real-life friend who follows when she is uber bored) read this, but I don't really care. I'm not really doing this for anyone but myself.

Since all my friends keep up with the surface of what is going on with me via the networks listed above, I felt like I needed a little place to call my own....a place to really dive into the randomness and sometimes ridiculously angsty parts of me....also where people wouldn't wonder....wow, ____'s gone off the deep end again. I really enjoy rambling my thoughts here...again even if no one really reads it. It's the closest thing (besides reading) I have to a hobby these days. Plus I've stumbled across a handful of awesome blogs in the process...and when I do get a bit of feedback from my few and far between comments to them, I love it.

My point to all of this was focused on my Twitter this AM (I usually only update it in the morning and sometimes at night...unless something exciting happens, which usually doesn't happen.) It was something along the lines of, trying to only think positive thoughts today. Now, I can't say I completely succeeded, but I can say my attempt has left me with a very good mood.

I am so very thankful for what I have today. Including my random, not-at-all-popular blog.

oooOOOOoooo

It's Friday the 13th yo.

Guess who got 3 pretty pink roses from her Fiance?? I did :D I'd never recieved a flower delivery before and it has really made my day awesome. Plus my brother is in town and he is going to come up and ride along with me to Fiance's band's show tonight. It should be some quality family time. What a great day.

Oh plus I made this guy to try and see how the ladies and I will look for the wedding:

MOH in the strapless gold, sister BM in sleeveless tank and friend BM in halter. I think it just may work. We may even try to find matching fabric to tie gold sashes on the brown dresses and brown sashes on the gold dress and on me.

Yay for life on this sunny February day.

Happy Blog

Due my recent constant state of tenison, I've decided I need an attitude adjustment, or at least attempt one so I can say "at least I tried".

I am very thankful for the following:
1. I have a job that allows me to pay my bills, and isn't too horrible to do day-in and day-out.
2. I have a wonderful fiance who, after over three years together, still gives me butterflies.
3. I'm getting married. At one point in my life, I thought this would never happen.
4. Despite our few problems, my family is very supportive and pretty functional.
5. I have a handful of great friends.
6. Coffee. I can live without it, but I choose not to.
7. the TV show 'Friends' being on DVD. I think I would lose my mind without something to watch that isn't fuzzy since we don't have cable and after February 16 or whatever probably won't get many digital channels consistently since we have yet to find a digital antenna that actually works for us.

I am going to put a lot of effort into remembering these things on a daily basis. There are so many people in this country and others that are struggling in so many different ways. I need to be more thankful I have my teeny stressors instead of huge ones.

In totally unrelated news....Happy Birthday Lincoln, you rocked a beard like no other.

So this is the New Year.

I am a little scattered brained today. This week has confused the shit out of my sleep schedule and I slept like crap last night. Most likely because I took a two hour nap yesterday while fiancé watched one of the 15 college bowl games on tv (we still don't have cable, so I can't really argue when there is literally nothing else on) but I digress...

I am trying to get to a point....but I'm having trouble remembering what it was in the first place. Oh yes, the standard reflective New Year's blog. That is where I was going with this.

I love New Year's. I actually think it is a semi-neurotic girl's best friend. Here is why: you get a fresh start. The Calendar says so. It is a new year. Right now we all have 363 days in front of us (barring any freak accidents) to do with what we choose. Here is how I choose to spend 2009:

The biggest one that pretty much overlaps with the other small promises I have for myself is
1. stress management. I will strive to get a handle on my stress level and bring my normal state of being down a couple notches on the stress. Along with this, comes the
2. healthy lifestyle I want to continue practicing. Eating right and exercising has a HUGE impact on my moods. Last but not least, I want to
3. find a new hobby that incorporates the first two. As much as I love reading, its competely sedentary, makes me sleepy and hurts my eyes when I over do it. Other than that, I've decided only the extreme OCD truly claim cleaning as a hobby, therefore I will no longer do so (haha), I don't have much in the hobby area these days. There is a yoga studio literally next door to where we live, and in a couple weeks (after I've been active on a daily basis again for a bit...I don't want to hurt myself) I'm going to go check things out and join a beginner's class.

I am excited for 2009. If you can't tell from the fiancé talk, Boyfriend proposed on Christmas night and has transformed into Fiancé, woo! We are pretty much set on the end of August (Tabulous: you will get a full explanation on this at a later date) and I'm getting my first taste of real wedding planning. I have a binder going already with preliminary guest list and timeline of things needing to be done. So one year from now, I will be a Mrs. AND a Step-Mom. I am actually excited about both those things, strange as it may seem. I really do love Kiddo and Little One and can't wait to be an official, legal part of their lives.

Now I know things probably won't go exactly as planned and there will be times where I am stressed over things I shouldn't be, eating deep fried things and sitting on my ass, but we are all human and if I think I'm NOT going to mess up, I would be crazy.

Happy 2009. I hope everyone has a great NEW year.

quick....list 10 things you are thankful for.

In no particular order:

1. Family/friends who care.
2. Boyfriend.
3. Job.
4. I have all my limbs and they all function.
5. New/bigger apartment.
6. pretty snow showers.
7. Cuddles from boyfriend.
8. TV shows on DVD, especially Friends (if they didn't exist, I would be a sad, cable-less girl watching tons of movies)
9. Coffee. It makes me happy on the cold and sleepy mornings.

I am tired of all this negativity swirling around in my brain. Its annoying, it gives me wrinkles and stresses me the eff out. So I am trying to accentuate the positive this week and plan on making part of this posting a blog every day with a positive tone. Go me.

Yay.

So I have gained 7.4 pounds since mid July. Not as much as I expected so that is great. Although I was not treated like a new member since my file was still on site and I didn't have to fill out paper work again, I am acting like I am starting from scratch so my first major goal is 10% of my (new) starting weight. I now know this plan is something I am going to have to follow for the rest of my life and I am perfectly okay with this fact. I need the structure in order to keep on track. I have a refreshing sense of calm about things as well. If I can't control x, y and z that is going on in my life right now, at least I can control what is going into my mouth once again.

Plus, I have this pesky habit of putting other people's needs before my own and I need to do this for me, not only for my physical health, but for my mental health as well.

History

I have not felt pride for my country in a very long time. I've felt disappointment, anger, sadness, disbelief and a slew of other negative feelings over the past 8 years. I even felt ashamed on certain occasions, but last night, I have never been more proud to have been born and raised in Suburban Ohio in this great nation. For once, the country has learned from her mistakes and done something about it. For once, we have shown the world we are as equal as we say we are. For the first time in years, I am actually optimistic that this country will become known once again for the great things she does opposed to the heinous and that we will lead by example to bring real change all over the globe.

So, twenty years from now, when asked where I was the night the first African-American, Senator Barack Obama, became president, I will vividly remember the feeling of sitting on my couch, drinking a beer and feeling elation about the state of my country. Mostly because this is the first time that has ever happened but also because I am SO proud to be an American for the first time in my adult life.

This was a victory for so many people....not only African Americans, but women too. With a VP candidate like Sarah Palin, I was pretty freaked out about the possibility of her making it to the White House, and then, being second in command behind an old guy (okay, I'll admit it, she scared me more than a politician ever has). The woman actually makes rape victims pay for their rape kits in Alaska and wants to make abortion illegal, even if the incident producing the child was incest and/or the victim was raped. She donated volunteer pilots so Alaskans could aerial hunt wolves and then, rewarded them with some ridiculous amount of money (I read 18,000...but I this isn't confirmed) for every fresh left leg from the animal they brought in. That is what Governor Palin is doing with Alaska's money? Can you imagine what would have happened if she made it to the White House? Thankfully, we don't even have to think about the possibilities anymore.

The middle class also had a major victory. Barack Obama spoke to us and we listened. He wants to provide tax cuts to the middle class (news flash: THATS THE MAJORITY OF AMERICAN CITIZENS!) and tax the wealthiest 5% who have been receiving breaks for the past 8 years from the Bush Administration. That speaks for itself.

I'm excited about the future of this country. We did it! Change is inevitable, and now since we have the right leadership, the right changes can be made.