I think I just threw up a little.

*Warning* The following is sickeningly sweet. You may not want to proceed.

Dear Husband,

I never knew I could love you more. I remember on our wedding day (and most of the following week we spent in Florida) thinking I've never loved anyone like this, nor this much. There can't possibly be any way it gets better than this. Not in a "this is as good as it gets, its all downhill from here" way but in an "I've never been this happy in my life, this is awesome" way.

But here we are, in year two, and it feels like that first week again, but somehow, even better.

And we still take fabulously awkward pictures together, and I love them even more too:

seriously...whatcha doin' here?

I promise we are not on some mind altering drug, just on the way to Oktoberfest last fall

You are my favorite. Ever.

Call me the Queen of Suburbia.

The exodus from Apartamento to the Suburban Castle (our new humble abode) went smashingly well. We have some amazing friends in our lives for helping us on one of the hottest days of the year so far. There were some hiccups, but I was Zen like all day. I know, shocking, right?

Two weeks in and we are getting the hang of the space. I'm still wrapping my head around the amount of storage space we now have. There are about 5 boxes in the living room that still need unpacked, so bare with me, but we have gone from this:


To this:


Another angle:


The tree tapestry seen in the last photo is the coat closet; this place is full of craptastic old closet doors, which now live in the garage. We also took off the ones in the master bedroom and the girls' room. Here is a peek at their room (as of Sunday):

I sort of want to hang a curtain of some sort on their closet...but I'm not sure? There is a lot of storage/toys going on in there, so I feel like it would be nice to close the curtain at bedtime. I have a cute black and white floral cloth shower curtain I'm not using right now, so I might pick up another tension rod and try it? Not sure at this point about that. Also, I am secretly ecstatic that I got to hang up the teen magazine posters in an orderly fashion; you should have seen them at the apartamento. It was chaos.

from the door:

I plan on getting two more sets of curtains to frame out the pink sheers, something purple I do believe. I think it will cozy it up a bit. We also want to get some of those over sized letters for the girls' to decorate and hang over their beds. I saw some cardboard ones at Hobby Lobby a while back, which I think is perfect, because if it does fall off the wall, it won't hurt them.

I have these on order from Amazon, for a project for the bedroom (more to come later). IKEA will also be getting a good chunk of my monies soon.

Since I love a good list, here is a run down of everything we still need to do/get:

Living Room
Curtains (IKEA sheers, for starters)
DVD Storage (Lerberg from IKEA x3 or 4)
Closet doors off; tree tapestry turns into curtain w/tension rod and clips
Switch out ginormous ceiling fan? Perhaps!

Kitchen
Island (buy or re-purpose something else)
Chalkboard Wall
Girls' Art Gallery-need to ID drawings for this and get sizes for frames (IKEA)

Laundry/Utility Room
Steel Shelving to create pantry storage
Hang curtain to hide furnace/Hot Water Heater (IKEA again)
Organizing bins for cabinets over washer/dryer

Hall
Hang Framed photos (size each with paper ads, hang papers on wall in pattern, nail through and hang up pictures)

Bathrooms
Get 1 small and 1 large rug for main bath, brown
existing large green one goes in half bath
Something for walls-one picture has been printed, just need a frame and I'm thinking of shopping what we already have for the half bath.

Girls' room
Hang up collage wall near Kiddo's bed
Organize toy bins/put in closet/take off closet doors to maximize floorspace
Curtains (still need purples, IKEA?)
Big Letters for over their beds
Spice racks as front facing bookshelves from, you guessed it, IKEA
DIY Canopies (maybe)

Master
Long and low dresser 6-8 drawers, I want to find old one and re-paint and get new hardware for
Bedskirt/new bedding
DIY project with Wallflowers-ordered
Prints off Etsy (frames IKEA, do you see a pattern here?)
Different curtains-eventually

I have yet to unpack my books and get the Expedit 100% organized, so that is on the agenda for tonight.

I love how this place is evolving and I can't wait to see what it will become by the end of the Summer. The husband and I keep saying this place makes us feel like grown ups; I feel like it is exactly where we need to be right now. We have the opportunity to acquire all the crap we need for a house, without having to worry about the upkeep on things. I think by the time our lease is up (in two years) we might actually be able to look into buying. Or not, but that is okay too.

The other day my sister says, "what's with all the talk of "projects"? When did you become so crafty?" I've been reading on the interwebs about all this stuff basically since I got married in 2009, now I have a blank slate to execute on, and I'm so excited. And you know what? I just can't hide it.

(Browser)Window Shopping.

I've had an epiphany: Craigslist is like a cyberspace thrift store. I love thrift stores, therefore I love Craigslist. I spend many more hours than I'd like to admit browsing its pages, imagining random pieces of furniture in my (soon-to-be) ranch style duplex-condo-apartment-half house type of dealy.

I love me a good Craigslist browse.

Then I remember, we have no extra monies because of the impending move into said ranch style duplex-condo-apartment-half-house type dealy.

Sad face.

I really need to stop imagining where furniture will go in the new place. If I have learned anything in almost two years of marriage, its to stop having expectations, you won't be let down when things don't go as you imagined and reality can be better sometimes.

But it is so very hard.

I am so very excited about the new place. With its storage and multiple toilets and washer dryer hookups. Do you know what this means?! It means no more brand new tops shrunk in the dryer when my laundry doing husband forgets isn't told to leave something out. So Exciting.

This Step-Mom's take.

Unless you live under a rock, you know Sunday is Mother's Day.

It's a weird day for me, being a part-time-parental-unit-type-person that I am.

My mother, being the amazing woman that she is, always gives me a card and a little something, because she knows all the motherly type things I do for the girls. On the flip side, my husband, being.....my sometimes dense but oh so lovable husband, doesn't do squat. I'm okay with both these things.

I am not a mother. I'm the wife of a father.

Sometimes I do get the inkling I know what it feels like to be "mom". Those moments when Little One sits on my lap and absentmindedly holds my hand and sort of pets it, or when the Kiddo says something so poignant and wise beyond her years. My heart swells for a moment and I think, thank you, who ever/what ever/the universe for bringing these girls to me.

But, alas, those moments are fleeting; I'm snapped right back into place with exchanges such as this one, last weekend in the car:

Little One: "Daddy I need a drink of water please."

(Husband was driving, so I grabbed the bottle of water and handed it back to her)

Little One: (not missing a beat) "Uhh, I asked my Daddy for some water, not you."

Step-Mom Me: "Well, Little One, (I actually busted out her full name, which neither of us exactly like in the first place so we usually call her by a shortened version the husband came up with shortly after her birth) Daddy is driving, so that's why I'm getting it for you and you can ask me for it next time."

Tiny reminders of how I'm not mom. How he is always preferred by the girls to me, with good reason, no doubt, but still it stings a bit.

I read an article on CNN about one step-mother's anguish about not having the relationship with her step-daughter that she thought she should. And how Mother's Day is so hard for her. (I'm not linking to said article because I honestly don't like how it was written or what she had to say.)

I don't see it like that. I don't have any expectations when it comes to my relationship with the girls. I just let it be what it is. I don't try and make it something its not; I'm not trying to be their best friend nor am I trying to be their mother. I do try my very hardest to be a good example; a positive female role model. I try to show them there are many ways to look at things and how being different from others is quite alright.

I am happy to have a front row seat to their lives, with a smidge of influence on who they will become.

So Sunday, as my step-daughters are giving their mothers handmade cards and probably little gifts made at school, I'll be quietly thankful I get to be part of their existence.

And that fact alone is enough for me.

Kiddo and I, at an amusement park last Summer.

Little One and I, December 2010

A Change Would Do You Good.

I like to pretend I'll commit to new projects, and be consistent. Then I'm not.

The 40DaysMovement project sort of fell through, although I am starting the 30 Day Shred video today after work, and I'm excited to do so. I need a kick in the ass, and I know annoyingly fit Jillian Micheals will do it for me.

I want to try to resurrect the Snapshots project though, especially with all the stuff coming up for us. We'll see how that goes.

Oh well, call me a bad blogger, if you will. I do always come back, eventually, making up excuses (mostly for myself) about why I, once again, failed to stay consistent at posting. Or exercising. Or much of anything. Oh well. I'm going to forgive myself this time, and not dwell.

Besides, I mostly write this blog for my own little documentary purposes, even if they are meager at best. So I'm really only letting myself down.

Anyway.

Crazy-exciting news. We are moving. As of June 1 we will no longer be in our hippish-small town, but in Surburbia. I will miss our little town, but the 'burbs have their perks, both in the physical space we call home, and in a more general, accessibility of things. It is a ranch style duplex-condo-apartment-half house type of dealy. (I don't like the word "duplex" so I'm having trouble naming it.) It is one building, with two units. The landlord lives next door, and she is pretty cool, and we tend to keep quiet these days anyway.

The new place perks:
One story aka: no more 21 steps of death.
Garage. YAY.
Washer/dryer hookups meaning no more laundry mat.
Utility room. No more cat box in the ONE storage closet we have.
Side patio
Backyard
Ceiling fan in living room
Coat closet in living room ie: for shoes, coats and board games. (yay storage.)
Gas range, I grew up with one, and prefer it to electric.
1.5 baths, which is FANTASTIC since I have a husband who enjoys camping out in the bathroom sometimes, if you know what I'm saying.
3 bedrooms ( More STORAGE!)
Attic above the Garage...did I mention I'm really excited about the Storage?

I am now realizing we have basically be living with all of our crap in plain sight since we moved into together. Neither place we've lived has had ample storage. The amount of storage in this place is making me giddy. I thrive on a tidy home, and being able to store the less visually appealing things we own makes me so very happy.

Let's say it one more time: STOOOOORRRRRAGE! Yay.

This is place is literally within walking distance to the husband's work, a fishing pond and a huge playground. It is also a 5 minute drive to some really great friends. Target and Kroger's are right down the road.

I think it will be a great change for everyone, even the girls. We discussed the fact that the move puts more distance between them and us. The husband pointed out the way things are with both of them, being 1 hour away is no different than being one town away; we are (sadly) not included in their lives with their mothers and their maternal families. So he is 100% alright with us being closer to my hometown than his and subsequently, further from the girls as well.

New half casa, in iPhone photos (nothing exciting, since it's just empty rooms, but pics nonetheless):

Living Room, from front door, with husband in doorway to kitchen

Kitchen, side door to patio is left of Fridge, Hallway right of oven, Utility Rm right of Hallway

Full Bath, from main entry (one of the lights is out, hence the super bad lighting)

View standing in Master, looking through the half bath into the full (there are pocket doors)

The packing has began. And I have some plans to document the move. Good things to come!

Love.

It is my husband's birthday today.

I'm pretty happy he was born on this date 29 years ago.

At the same time, can't believe I have husband. Who is 29. That is almost 30. Gah.

I've written quite a lot about how he levels me out....he is like yoga and I am like crazy bootcamp aerobics.

Plus we take amazing photos together....

Happy, Happy Birthday, Husband, you are my everything and always.

La Familia.

This is why I can't help but want to procreate with this man. Moments like this.

I should probably ask him about it....

Problema.

How......................?

How do you tell the person you have been with for 6 years, who has thought for those 6 years you didn't want children that you suddenly do?

Well, besides just saying it. I guess I need to come out of the baby-making closet.

Side note: I'm sort of stubborn, and I tend to hate eating my words when wrong. A lot. I'm trying to remind myself the advice of my lovely bff: "You are allowed to change your mind; you don't have to justify it to anyone." and also, "Who cares about them? (the people who will say, but I thought you didn't want kids? and I knew you'd change your mind!) They don't matter anyways." I love her. She is the part of my brain that all my insecurities tend to drown out a lot of the time.

I haven't exactly made a decision about it either. I did not wake up one day (like so many people told me I would) and know I wanted to make a baby. That stupid biological clock everyone talks about has began ticking. Ever so quietly in the back of my mind. Plus the fact that I am literally surrounded by babies and pregnant women everywhere I turn. And then they are all over Facebook as well. F*cking Facebook. I do not blame them, because we are at prime baby-makin' age, but it doesn't help my current predicament either.

I've never expected to wake up and just know. It was the same bullshit when I was wedding dress shopping. Everyone said, "You'll *just* know when its the right dress!" I never felt that, and then the dress I chose wasn't even what I ended up getting hitched in.
So yeah, I'm not expecting divine intervention and "just knowing" to happen. I'm much too logical for that.

The main reason I had thought in the past that I didn't want kids was my own awkward and sometimes painful adolescent experiences. I think the fact that I am finally coming to terms with them, forgetting the bad and remembering the good has caused this change of heart.

Plus my adorable niece is NO help. I mean she is the cutest thing in the world to me. Just look at her:

Showing off her sticking-her-tongue-out skills.

The Husband's new work schedule has him on nights right now, but Saturday he is off a bit earlier so I'm planning on dropping the bomb then. So much of me committing 100% to having a baby hangs on his reaction and if he wants to as well. I don't want to unless he wants to.

I'm doing it Saturday. It needs to be done. It must be done.

Logic vs. Intuition.

Logically, my college educated, sociology laden brain is screaming, "NOOOOOOO! Baby is not the best choice!" But then there are millions of years of evolution inside me, quietly nudging, "BAAAAAAABBBBBBBEEEEEEEE, makeabaaaaaaabbbbbeeeeeee".

And it is slowly driving me nuts, the push and pull of it all.

So, since I love a good list, a made a pros and cons list for (possible) procreation. In no apparent order:

Pros:
-Will shut up biological clock
-Tiny clothes, shoes and hats w/ears
-Someone to take care of me when I'm old
-cousin for Baby M. (my niece)
-Sibling for Kiddo and Little One
-Having a mini-me (or mini husband in the case of a boy) would be cool
-Getting to parent the way I want, not tip toe around the hard stuff like I do w/the girls because I never want them to say in anger, "you're not my mother!" I already know that.
-Never a boring moment
-hugs and cuddles
-finger painting possibilities
-Being told "you two would make such cute babies!" makes me curious...
-Giving my husband the chance to do the baby thing, one last time when he will be there for all the milestones he missed out on with the girls

Cons:
-Body never the same
-Mass amounts of laundry
-Taking care of for 18+ years
-Another person to bathe, clothe, feed etc...
-Taking Dad time away from Kiddo and Little One
-Babies turn into kids who turn into teenagers (who, in general, are annoying at best)
-College $
-childcare costs (I doubt we could afford me to do the SAHM thing, sadly and that opens up a whole other issue with me: why have kids if I'm going to pay someone else to basically raise them?)
-doctor's visits
-sticky hands/faces
-Lack of sleep
-loss of identity

This is where I stand on the topic. 12 cons versus 12 pros. Completely torn.



***

My husband and I were watching a TV show last night and one of the characters was getting a vasectomy. He mentioned, "If you are 100% sure you don't want kids we should look into that for me". I all could say was I don't know. Twice. And that is a lot different than how I used to respond to such a discussion. I should have laid it all out for him right then and there, but I clammed up. I'm not so good at eating my words, and after years and years of claiming, "I like babies, as long as they are other people's" I am partially hung up on having to do just that.

I know there is not perfect time to have a baby, but at this juncture of our lives, I couldn't feel it is more wrong: we live in a two bedroom apartment we are quickly outgrowing (w/o another human being taking up residence) and I am on the verge of enrolling in a graduate program where I work while my husband is switching jobs, again (that is a long story, ending with panic attacks and his hair falling out). We don't even have a washer and dryer, we are kicking it at the laundromat once a week.

I just wish the nagging feeling that something is missing would go away, but I am seriously starting to doubt if it will on its own.

Home: Update.

It has been almost a month since I set my goals for making the ol' apartamento more cozy and organized. Let's see how I've progressed, shall we?

Living room:
Large bookcase (think Expedit 4x4 from IKEA) for books and nonsense storage.
Couch/loveseat combo OR sectional. I've never owned my very own couch, and the blue and white checked monstrosity, while comfortable and sturdy has got to go. I am very thankful that the husband had it donated when he lost nearly all of his stuff in a fire long before we met, but the time has come to say goodbye.
Re-configure stuff on the walls and perhaps furniture arrangement
I broke down and ordered a tight fitting sofa cover in chocolate brown and bought some adorable new couch pillows on a great buy one, get three free sale at Value City. While I'm a bit sad about not getting whole new couch, our tax refund is looking to be a lot smaller than anticipated. I'm slashing the already tight budget I'd set for all of this. Such is life. Let's hope the cover shows up today in the mail and it fits correctly. Total cost (so far): $66.59

Bedroom:
Closet system- We currently have one extremely bowed closet rod and piles of nonsense below, so we need one. It will go with us when we leave, or the landlord can pay us back.
6 drawer low dresser- Two people and a four drawer garage sale find from when I was 16 does not compute.
Baskets for storage under nightstands.
Closet organization system is at the top of the list. The chaos that is our closet will soon be managed, as long as we can make it work in our budget for this month. Eating is a bit more important than closet organization. Sometimes. I am also going to try my damnedest to NOT forget a before photo, because it will be an epic before and after. You just wait.

Bathroom:
New Shower curtain
Shower organizational thingy-Right now we have two small ones and the clutter in there is suddenly driving me nuts. Both items have been purchased along with new shower curtain liner, pretty hangers and a fancy yet inexpensive suction cup soap dish for the hubster's bar soap. clutter managed, showering is fun again. Total cost: $22.96. I love TJ Maxx.

Girls' room:
They both need small, three drawer dressers. We have a clothes storage issue all-around in our home. Half of their closet is hanging clothes, the other half is Christmas tree/hockey crap storage. We have no storage besides unused kitchen cabinets. Before you call me the evil step-mother....we keep the girls' room door closed when they aren't over to conserve heat, so it is hard to put this stuff high on the priority list: I don't see it every day. Out of sight, out of mind might apply to their storage issues, although trust me, it does not apply to them, I think about what kind of day they are having every single day.

Little progress is better than no progress at all, so I'm happy with things. Stay tuned, living room/couch progress soon.

New Normal.

I squint through the darkness in order to see what the time is, and once again I've awoken just shy of a half hour until I need to get up. As I stumble still half asleep to the bathroom (since that's why I'm awake too early once again) the thought of a morning workout crosses my mind but quickly decide "not today" and head back to bed for another 20 or so minutes of sleep. One snooze button hit later, I'm in the shower and he's up and moving.

"I'm going to go start the cars" he says. I smile. "Okie" I reply.

We have been doing the morning dance around each other in our small apartamento for a month now. For the first time ever we have to be at work at the same time every day. I sort of love starting my day with him.

Aside from realizing we need at least a bath and a half in our (hopefully in the not-so-distant) future home, it has been strangely nice. It is easier to get out of the warm bed knowing your personal heater has to get up as well. And knowing your car won't be warm and/or not covered in snow when you go to depart. That is worth sharing the bathroom for.

His job is going well. He likes it, and it is a lot of take home work sometimes, but eventually he won't be the new guy and won't have to prep so much for the computer programs he is teaching the next day (because he will have already taught them). He is finally doing something he actually enjoys, for the first time in over five years. That makes me so happy for him. Add in the fact of room for advancement and profit sharing and I think my husband might have a career on his hands.

The 4 months he was unemployed I was constantly waiting for something epic and bad to happen, that we wouldn't be able to afford to fix. It never happened and here we are on the other side of things, wiser and happier than I could have imagined. I've been saying the lay off was a blessing in disguise; things really do happen for a reason.

So even when I'm dark and twisty, things aren't that bad, and I feel like they can only get better from here on out.

But wait, what happened to the angsty crap from last time? I would attribute that to really bad PMS....plus I'm working out again, and I've said it before, its my own natural anti-depressant. It's a wonder what sweating it out can do for your mood. If only I could stick with it forever and I would be rainbows and smiles permanently...ehhh I don't know about that...

Home. It's where your crap is.

Since realistically the husband and I won't be ready to look at houses until next year (that will put him at his current job for a full year, increasing our pre-approval amount and giving us the next 12 months to get some things paid off) I need to make some changes to our humble apartamento. I also need to stop looking at houses online, because I get attached to one, and then someone who IS ready to buy snatches it up. Then I am sad.

So I'm hoping to accomplish all the following before we move since I know there will be a long list of things we'll need to buy once we are in a house. Like a lawn mower, ladder and other things I can potentially hurt myself with. Good thing we have insurance.

Let's list things, shall we?

Living room:
Large bookcase (think Expedit 4x4 from IKEA) for books and nonsense storage.
Couch/loveseat combo OR sectional. I've never owned my very own couch, and the blue and white checked monstrosity, while comfortable and sturdy has got to go. I am very thankful that the husband had it donated when he lost nearly all of his stuff in a fire long before we met, but the time has come to say goodbye.
Re-configure stuff on the walls and perhaps furniture arrangement

Bedroom:
Closet system- We currently have one extremely bowed closet rod and piles of nonsense below, so we need one. It will go with us when we leave, or the landlord can pay us back.
6 drawer low dresser- Two people and a four drawer garage sale find from when I was 16 does not compute.
Baskets for storage under nightstands.

Bathroom:
New Shower curtain
Shower organizational thingy-Right now we have two small ones and the clutter in there is suddenly driving me nuts.

Girls' room:
They both need small, three drawer dressers. We have a clothes storage issue all-around in our home. Half of their closet is hanging clothes, the other half is Christmas tree/hockey crap storage. We have no storage besides unused kitchen cabinets.

Hopefully, some progress shall be made! Perhaps I'll even remember to take some before/after pictures...they are always my favorite part of the home design shows but let's be honest, I tend to get all excited about new things and organization and only document the after. Oh well.

I am also hoping publishing my own little to-do list here will help me actually accomplish some of it. It is not like I want to re-furnish the entire place. In the past though, I jump from room to room and can't seem to decide where to start. This time, I'm starting in the living room, since we spend most of our time there. That, or the closet in our bedroom. See...I'm doing it already. Not that we spend a lot of time there, but with the husband's grown up job, he and I are getting ready at the same time now, and the closet leaves SO much to be desired. I try to keep the bedroom in check so its a peaceful place for us to rest our heads but it often looks as if the dresser upchucked clothing everywhere. My OCD tendencies don't really enjoy this.

I am going to try and make something happen in the next 30 days. We'll see how it goes.

Experiment.

Today I am going to remember the happiest times over my two week furlough; I am thankful I got to spend that time with my husband, friends and family. I will remind myself of the benefits of my job; when I can't find the good things I will refuse to let it interfere with my over all happiness. At least for today. Tomorrow I start again, and see how that goes.

This is a definite one day at a time experiment. If I can apply this attitude every day for the next 21 work days, perhaps it will become routine? Perhaps I will awake to birds chirping and woodland creatures serenading me tomorrow? Anything is possible, right?

Today's benefit: how nice it is to have my own office (where I can take mini breaks to blog randomness).

So this is the New Year. Again.

It seems like just yesterday it was a year ago. Probably because one year ago I was lazing about watching bowl games much like I am today, but this year feels different. Even with its similarities, January 1, 2011 (I wonder how many times I'll write 2010 in the next month?) is a whole new world.

I really enjoy New Year's Eve. I always have. I know it is just a flip of the calendar but there is something so refreshing about it for me and my slightly OCD personality. Its a new start. A clean slate. This year I have discovered a new confidence in who I am and how I've grown in the past 365 days. It makes this day much happier, because there is no place to go but up.

2010 was not easy. It was as much a bitch as it was fantastic. I learned more about myself and quite possibly about life than I have thus far. Doors were closed and windows opened. I worried less and lived more.

My little family is finally united. That is the best part of all.

All is right in the world, or at least my world, for at least a little while.

Here's to a happy and healthy 2011. Cheers.

'Tis the Season.

Back in November I set up some guidelines for Holiday season sanity, to refresh:


-No crying (at least not of the sad, we-have-no-money kind, tears of joy are allowed.)
-No stressing (aka no skipping the gym for this girl.)
-No present buying for anyone but the 'rents and the kids. Period. (I have a problem with gift giving...I enjoy it way too much.)

I can't say I haven't cried since this was posted, but I can say the times its happened has been because of my job/my own personal crap....so I guess that's a half-hearted success?

I may have given up on going to the gym where I work every night but I've been on the treadmill in our living room at least 3 times a week (and that will change to at least 5 times a week since I'm off work starting Monday til January 3rd...not my choice, but my employer's who is hemorrhaging money and cutting our budget with furlough) and I can tell it is keeping me balanced. Who knows, maybe I'll start 2011 5 pounds lighter....but I won't know, since we don't own a scale (because I would obsess every fluctuation) so I'll just have to pay attention to the way my pants fit. Which I already do that pretty obsessively anyways. Good times.

We definitely have only shopped for the kids and the parents. So good job us. Even if I am being a baby and am secretly really sad for no presents from the husband. They are always my favorite at Christmas time....but we have so many Christmas futures, and when I think about it that way, it is not a big deal. Just the fact that we get to spend so much time together this year is pretty awesome. And it probably won't happen again for a long time so I'll enjoy it while I can.

The husband is on his 3rd interview for one job, and is waiting on a call back for a teaching position he open interviewed for last night AND a friend of ours just emailed him about a possible opening at his work. There is a good chance he will have something by January, which would be a great way to start 2011.

Now, if the insane baby dreams would stop, I could have a freakin' Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year ('s Eve Party....New Year's Eve is my FAVORITE.)

Til Next time.

Toughie.

Do step-parenting support groups exist? If so, I need to know when and where and if there isn't, I should start one.

It is not an easy job...being a part-time-sort-of-parental-type-person. You (think you) know what you are getting yourself into, but at the same time, you don't at all; every family is as different as its individuals.

You have to remember why you chose to be with your partner AND their child(ren, in my case) when the going gets tough. You are allowed to provide basic care (ie: feeding, grooming, purchasing of things to feed and clothe them with) but beyond that, it gets murky, especially if the child's other biological parent goes out of their way to be difficult on a regular basis.

You can love the child(ren) immensely, but don't expect to be well received if things come up about how they are being raised and/or taken care of when with the other parent. You can worry about them, but you can't do more than volunteer solutions to your partner when it comes to problem solving issues with the other parent.

I always said I didn't want kids, but here I am, step-parenting away, which I am honest-to-goodness starting to believe can be harder than parenting in its own way. I am convinced being a parent is the hardest role anyone can have in life, but emotionally step-parenting has to be at least, on the same page as parenting, if not more confusing at times. At least I could be 50% of the decision making if they were biologically mine. Right now, I'm about 10% of one half (I suck at math, so you figure that one out) and all I can do is give my opinion to my husband, whether he takes it or not is completely up to him....and even if he does, the mom still has veto power.

My husband and his girls were a packaged deal from day one, and I thought long and hard before we got serious about how him having kids adds an additional layer of life-complicating situations. I wouldn't trade my life right now for anything, but some sort of step-parenting manual would be helpful. Perhaps there exists a "Step-Parenting for Dummies" manual? I need to research this.

Bottom line: It is hard to care so much but keep your mouth shut at certain times. It is something I am still learning how to do 100% of the time. I try my best to be a positive role model for the girls, and enjoy the fleeting moments we get to spend as a family of four; every other weekend never seems to come soon enough.

Reunited.

Saturday Little One came to visit and to see her sister for the first time since 2007. It was a good day, besides being a little weird. Husband and I both talked to Kiddo after Little One left and she admitted it was strange, but we told her over time it wouldn't be.

I can't wait until it is just the 4 of us again....Saturday included Kiddo's Mom and my in-laws, just to cushion things a bit. The best part was when Little One asked "can I sit with you?" and we took the picture of the two of us. It is funny to think how she used to sit with me all the time when she was just over a year old....

Day TwentyEight:Prego.

What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

According to my subconscious, I'd birth a boy child, be sad for a second about it being a boy and argue with my husband over the name (he wanted Tyler Joseph, I wanted Tyson Joseph, we would call him Ty for short, in the real-awake world, I don't even like either.) Yeah, I had my first real, live I'm pregnant dream this week. I woke up sweating and relieved. And freaked out, because of how happy I was in the dream.

I've been sitting on the procreation-is-not-for-me wagon since my girlfriends started talking about having babies when I was a teenager (not having them 16-and-pregnant style, but you know, after they married some dreamy guy, while wearing big poofy dress). I still feel this way. All the pressure to shape someone's personality and oh the worry....I can only imagine the anxiety. I worry enough about my step-daughters, and they are even babies anymore. I have a laundry list of reasons of why I don't want to be pregnant/do the mom thing and won't go out of my way to put myself in that situation, but if it were to happen unplanned is completely uncharted territory.

I used to shrug it off and simply say, I don't want kids, until people sort of got what I meant (or I just completely avoided answering if it were someone I didn't know well) but now....I have no friggen idea what I would do.

***

It has started simply enough. I admitted to myself I am jealous there are two women in the world who have something with my husband that I don't: offspring. It is in the back of my mind 95% of the time.

Then I remember my own childhood. The teasing and name calling and bullying and the self-hate that started at an age in the lower single digits. I don't want my (proverbial) kid to go through anything like that.

Then I remember how amazing it was to see my niece all tiny and pink minutes after she was born.

Then I think about this: what's the point of having kids and then paying someone else to watch them 40 hours a week? While at the same time thinking: I would lose my damn mind being a stay at home Mom....then I think, well, maybe I would work part time.....

Then I think of how amazing my husband is with his girls and my heart nearly explodes because it is something I really love about him.

Then I think about how fantastic our marriage is right now. And how a new study just came out that 90% of parents reported decreased marital satisfaction after having a baby. That doesn't really bode well with me.

I will admit to being a bit of a control freak. I like to plan things. Babies (once they are conceived) can only be planned in naming and preparing for them but there are so many variables: you could have a fantastic pregnancy where you feel amazing all the time or you could be puking for the first two trimesters (like my sister). Your baby could be pretty much perfect (like my niece) or a mean baby (like one of my sister's friends little one, I swear, she was scowling at my sister in a photo, no joke) you could be supremely happy in the months/year following delivering a child or plagued with postpartum depression.

So I guess I can say, in all honesty, I have absolutely no clue what I would do if I got knocked up tomorrow. And since I've been on the pill for years now....the real question is: what would I do if I WANTED to get pregnant tomorrow? And the real answer is freak the eff out, cry, and tell my husband. That is all that is for sure.

Day TwentyFive/TwentySix: Life.

(I tend to suck at writing over the weekends, so here is two more posts to keep me on track)

The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Besides the biological fact that my body is functioning and keeping me alive? I think I am still here because of a few very important people.

First, my bff since the 8th grade. Adolescence was hard on me, but having one person who always took my side and often defended me to others really made things bearable. Now that we are adults (so weird to say still) and I look back and feel so damn lucky to have had her. I don't know if I would have made it through high school without her. Her house was my second home, and her mom is my second mom. We don't see each other nearly as often as either of us would like, but when we do get together it always feels like it used to...besides that we work 40 hour weeks and both have husbands.

Second, my sister. I remember being 6 years old and I got to ride along with her on a errand to the grocery store (she was 16 at the time). I didn't talk much, because I didn't know what to say to her but I remember thinking to myself, someday we'll be great friends and have so much talk about. And then we were. I was 16 and she was 26 and I would spend the night with her on the weekends mostly to not have to worry about a curfew, but also just to hang out. And to get advice on things I couldn't talk to our mom about. Now I'm 26 and she's 36 and I talk to her every day, either on the phone or through messaging. She's a mom and I'm a step-mom but I sometimes spend the night at her place still, but now it's so I can play with my niece. I'm pretty much obsessed with her, and I feel like I am supposed to be here to support my sister as she raises her.....but I still get advice on things I can't talk to my mom about.

Third, my husband. I've written more times than I probably should about how we met and how he balances me so well so I won't go there again. We don't have much money, we have more scheduling/event planning issues than a conference center and our relationship isn't perfect by any means (he does this pouty-child face while he stares at the floor and doesn't say anything whenever we have a disagreement, it drives me nuts) but at the end of the day, we love each other and we face all the problems together and that makes all the difference. I still get excited to see him when I get home from work every day. He has brought me more joy than I've ever known and he's allowed me to be the part of two little girls lives in the process, which I feel like is another part of the reason I am here. I know it can't be easy on kids when their parents are not together, so I really try to be a positive influence/role model for them as much as possible and I feel like that is part of why I met the husband, it be a positive female in the lives of these little girls.

Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Yes. Junior year of high school and because I was very depressed.

Looking back, I wish I could have known then what I know now....about how much stuff in high school doesn't matter, but I didn't. And it did matter back then; it was all that mattered. All that matters now though, is I didn't give up, I made it through, and life is so much more than 4 years spent in high school.

Day TwentyThree: Undone.

(So last week was a complete fail, once again, at getting back on track with 30DaysofTruth. Now I'm just going to stick to once a day again, just a bit off schedule.)

Something you wish you had done in your life. I feel like I am too young to have a lot of major regrets about my life thus far but the one thing that comes to mind is: living solo. I moved from my parents to college, where I never lived with less than two other people. Then in 2007 the husband and I moved in together (which looking back, was sort of insane, we had only been together for about a year and a half, and we only saw each other once a week good thing that worked out I guess!).

Before I met the husband, I dreamed of living in my own little place (mostly on the days my roommates were driving me crazy) but also just because I thought it would be nice to do my own thing whenever I wanted; to not have to always be surrounded by people. It was something I always thought I would end up doing that did not happen. I couldn't imagine not living with my husband though. I always say he is the best roommate I've ever had because he never borrows my clothes and always takes out the trash :)