Scenic Route.

I'm standing close to a huge intersection in my life. And while I know either road will take me to the next adventure (my new job) the two routes are so very different.

There is the anxiety ridden route. It looks like a gigantic city with one-ways and stop lights and dark clouds. And my GPS is broke.

Then there is the slightly curvy, partly-sunny country back road. This way looks so much more appealing. I want to choose this path, but I'm worried my mind will steer me towards the other.

***

I have been striving (and mostly succeeding) in living a happier life since we moved. One where I stop worrying about things I cannot control as soon as the thought crosses my mind; where I truly soak in moments and am fully present in them instead of halfway thinking about tomorrow's troubles like I used to spend all of my time doing.

I keep busy. If I'm not busy I go for a walk. I'm not killing myself working out nor beating myself up about it when I don't exercise like I told myself I should be. I'm only human. I am mindful of what I put in my body.

I'm trying to be happy with what I have, instead of constantly focusing on what I want. Do I need these things? That always cuts the list in half.

I dream again; day dream of things I want to do and places and I want to go. I use this lovely site called Pinterest to organize these dreams. Even if I don't get to them all, it is great to have hopes again.

***

I want to be great at my new job, not just good. I spent the last 3 years stagnant in a job I tolerated for a paycheck. This is my chance to do some interesting and something I might actually enjoy doing every day to boot.

I am choosing the sunny road, not the complicated city streets shrouded in black clouds. I am choosing to be happy, mindful and (sometimes stupidly, but oh well)optimistic.

I'm taking the scenic route on this one, and I'm going to enjoy the ride.

Note to self.

Remember this.

The feeling.

The absolutely ecstatic rush of finally getting something you've wanted very badly for a very long time.

I've been offered a fantastic new job. And I've accepted it. And tomorrow when my boss (hopefully) isn't out sick anymore I will be handing in my letter of resignation.

I haven't felt this excited/scared/happy/anxious in a really long time.

Yay.

I think I just threw up a little.

*Warning* The following is sickeningly sweet. You may not want to proceed.

Dear Husband,

I never knew I could love you more. I remember on our wedding day (and most of the following week we spent in Florida) thinking I've never loved anyone like this, nor this much. There can't possibly be any way it gets better than this. Not in a "this is as good as it gets, its all downhill from here" way but in an "I've never been this happy in my life, this is awesome" way.

But here we are, in year two, and it feels like that first week again, but somehow, even better.

And we still take fabulously awkward pictures together, and I love them even more too:

seriously...whatcha doin' here?

I promise we are not on some mind altering drug, just on the way to Oktoberfest last fall

You are my favorite. Ever.

Call me the Queen of Suburbia.

The exodus from Apartamento to the Suburban Castle (our new humble abode) went smashingly well. We have some amazing friends in our lives for helping us on one of the hottest days of the year so far. There were some hiccups, but I was Zen like all day. I know, shocking, right?

Two weeks in and we are getting the hang of the space. I'm still wrapping my head around the amount of storage space we now have. There are about 5 boxes in the living room that still need unpacked, so bare with me, but we have gone from this:


To this:


Another angle:


The tree tapestry seen in the last photo is the coat closet; this place is full of craptastic old closet doors, which now live in the garage. We also took off the ones in the master bedroom and the girls' room. Here is a peek at their room (as of Sunday):

I sort of want to hang a curtain of some sort on their closet...but I'm not sure? There is a lot of storage/toys going on in there, so I feel like it would be nice to close the curtain at bedtime. I have a cute black and white floral cloth shower curtain I'm not using right now, so I might pick up another tension rod and try it? Not sure at this point about that. Also, I am secretly ecstatic that I got to hang up the teen magazine posters in an orderly fashion; you should have seen them at the apartamento. It was chaos.

from the door:

I plan on getting two more sets of curtains to frame out the pink sheers, something purple I do believe. I think it will cozy it up a bit. We also want to get some of those over sized letters for the girls' to decorate and hang over their beds. I saw some cardboard ones at Hobby Lobby a while back, which I think is perfect, because if it does fall off the wall, it won't hurt them.

I have these on order from Amazon, for a project for the bedroom (more to come later). IKEA will also be getting a good chunk of my monies soon.

Since I love a good list, here is a run down of everything we still need to do/get:

Living Room
Curtains (IKEA sheers, for starters)
DVD Storage (Lerberg from IKEA x3 or 4)
Closet doors off; tree tapestry turns into curtain w/tension rod and clips
Switch out ginormous ceiling fan? Perhaps!

Kitchen
Island (buy or re-purpose something else)
Chalkboard Wall
Girls' Art Gallery-need to ID drawings for this and get sizes for frames (IKEA)

Laundry/Utility Room
Steel Shelving to create pantry storage
Hang curtain to hide furnace/Hot Water Heater (IKEA again)
Organizing bins for cabinets over washer/dryer

Hall
Hang Framed photos (size each with paper ads, hang papers on wall in pattern, nail through and hang up pictures)

Bathrooms
Get 1 small and 1 large rug for main bath, brown
existing large green one goes in half bath
Something for walls-one picture has been printed, just need a frame and I'm thinking of shopping what we already have for the half bath.

Girls' room
Hang up collage wall near Kiddo's bed
Organize toy bins/put in closet/take off closet doors to maximize floorspace
Curtains (still need purples, IKEA?)
Big Letters for over their beds
Spice racks as front facing bookshelves from, you guessed it, IKEA
DIY Canopies (maybe)

Master
Long and low dresser 6-8 drawers, I want to find old one and re-paint and get new hardware for
Bedskirt/new bedding
DIY project with Wallflowers-ordered
Prints off Etsy (frames IKEA, do you see a pattern here?)
Different curtains-eventually

I have yet to unpack my books and get the Expedit 100% organized, so that is on the agenda for tonight.

I love how this place is evolving and I can't wait to see what it will become by the end of the Summer. The husband and I keep saying this place makes us feel like grown ups; I feel like it is exactly where we need to be right now. We have the opportunity to acquire all the crap we need for a house, without having to worry about the upkeep on things. I think by the time our lease is up (in two years) we might actually be able to look into buying. Or not, but that is okay too.

The other day my sister says, "what's with all the talk of "projects"? When did you become so crafty?" I've been reading on the interwebs about all this stuff basically since I got married in 2009, now I have a blank slate to execute on, and I'm so excited. And you know what? I just can't hide it.

Letter.

Dear Apartamento:

I have never missed anyplace I have called home (excluding fleeting moments of missing my hometown/parents place) and I've called A LOT of places home in the past seven years. I am going to truly miss you, in all your hippie village glory.

Your walls are where the husband and I got engaged and planned our DIY wedding. You have hosted the hubsfamily Christmas 3 years running, and had countless gatherings of friends and family, both big and small throughout our stay. Every twice annual Street Fair that takes place in town brought us lots of visitors, plus I always got out on the streets early to avoid the crowds.

Your open concept layout has been amazing. I will probably miss that the most; being able to make dinner/do anything in the kitchen but still be engaged in whatever is going on in the living room.

But our time is up, my knees are achy from climbing those 21 steps of death every morning and night and to all good things must come an end. We need a yard for the girls, and less steps for the clumsy (ie: me).

(Plus we are gaining: an entire other toilet, a garage, yard and storage room)

Thank you for the memories, for being so well insulated (we never turned our furnace on through 3 Ohio Winters; our Vectren Gas bill was never over $20.) and hosting our lives for the past 3 years. I'll miss you.


Best,
Mrs. Melberry

This Step-Mom's take.

Unless you live under a rock, you know Sunday is Mother's Day.

It's a weird day for me, being a part-time-parental-unit-type-person that I am.

My mother, being the amazing woman that she is, always gives me a card and a little something, because she knows all the motherly type things I do for the girls. On the flip side, my husband, being.....my sometimes dense but oh so lovable husband, doesn't do squat. I'm okay with both these things.

I am not a mother. I'm the wife of a father.

Sometimes I do get the inkling I know what it feels like to be "mom". Those moments when Little One sits on my lap and absentmindedly holds my hand and sort of pets it, or when the Kiddo says something so poignant and wise beyond her years. My heart swells for a moment and I think, thank you, who ever/what ever/the universe for bringing these girls to me.

But, alas, those moments are fleeting; I'm snapped right back into place with exchanges such as this one, last weekend in the car:

Little One: "Daddy I need a drink of water please."

(Husband was driving, so I grabbed the bottle of water and handed it back to her)

Little One: (not missing a beat) "Uhh, I asked my Daddy for some water, not you."

Step-Mom Me: "Well, Little One, (I actually busted out her full name, which neither of us exactly like in the first place so we usually call her by a shortened version the husband came up with shortly after her birth) Daddy is driving, so that's why I'm getting it for you and you can ask me for it next time."

Tiny reminders of how I'm not mom. How he is always preferred by the girls to me, with good reason, no doubt, but still it stings a bit.

I read an article on CNN about one step-mother's anguish about not having the relationship with her step-daughter that she thought she should. And how Mother's Day is so hard for her. (I'm not linking to said article because I honestly don't like how it was written or what she had to say.)

I don't see it like that. I don't have any expectations when it comes to my relationship with the girls. I just let it be what it is. I don't try and make it something its not; I'm not trying to be their best friend nor am I trying to be their mother. I do try my very hardest to be a good example; a positive female role model. I try to show them there are many ways to look at things and how being different from others is quite alright.

I am happy to have a front row seat to their lives, with a smidge of influence on who they will become.

So Sunday, as my step-daughters are giving their mothers handmade cards and probably little gifts made at school, I'll be quietly thankful I get to be part of their existence.

And that fact alone is enough for me.

Kiddo and I, at an amusement park last Summer.

Little One and I, December 2010

A Change Would Do You Good.

I like to pretend I'll commit to new projects, and be consistent. Then I'm not.

The 40DaysMovement project sort of fell through, although I am starting the 30 Day Shred video today after work, and I'm excited to do so. I need a kick in the ass, and I know annoyingly fit Jillian Micheals will do it for me.

I want to try to resurrect the Snapshots project though, especially with all the stuff coming up for us. We'll see how that goes.

Oh well, call me a bad blogger, if you will. I do always come back, eventually, making up excuses (mostly for myself) about why I, once again, failed to stay consistent at posting. Or exercising. Or much of anything. Oh well. I'm going to forgive myself this time, and not dwell.

Besides, I mostly write this blog for my own little documentary purposes, even if they are meager at best. So I'm really only letting myself down.

Anyway.

Crazy-exciting news. We are moving. As of June 1 we will no longer be in our hippish-small town, but in Surburbia. I will miss our little town, but the 'burbs have their perks, both in the physical space we call home, and in a more general, accessibility of things. It is a ranch style duplex-condo-apartment-half house type of dealy. (I don't like the word "duplex" so I'm having trouble naming it.) It is one building, with two units. The landlord lives next door, and she is pretty cool, and we tend to keep quiet these days anyway.

The new place perks:
One story aka: no more 21 steps of death.
Garage. YAY.
Washer/dryer hookups meaning no more laundry mat.
Utility room. No more cat box in the ONE storage closet we have.
Side patio
Backyard
Ceiling fan in living room
Coat closet in living room ie: for shoes, coats and board games. (yay storage.)
Gas range, I grew up with one, and prefer it to electric.
1.5 baths, which is FANTASTIC since I have a husband who enjoys camping out in the bathroom sometimes, if you know what I'm saying.
3 bedrooms ( More STORAGE!)
Attic above the Garage...did I mention I'm really excited about the Storage?

I am now realizing we have basically be living with all of our crap in plain sight since we moved into together. Neither place we've lived has had ample storage. The amount of storage in this place is making me giddy. I thrive on a tidy home, and being able to store the less visually appealing things we own makes me so very happy.

Let's say it one more time: STOOOOORRRRRAGE! Yay.

This is place is literally within walking distance to the husband's work, a fishing pond and a huge playground. It is also a 5 minute drive to some really great friends. Target and Kroger's are right down the road.

I think it will be a great change for everyone, even the girls. We discussed the fact that the move puts more distance between them and us. The husband pointed out the way things are with both of them, being 1 hour away is no different than being one town away; we are (sadly) not included in their lives with their mothers and their maternal families. So he is 100% alright with us being closer to my hometown than his and subsequently, further from the girls as well.

New half casa, in iPhone photos (nothing exciting, since it's just empty rooms, but pics nonetheless):

Living Room, from front door, with husband in doorway to kitchen

Kitchen, side door to patio is left of Fridge, Hallway right of oven, Utility Rm right of Hallway

Full Bath, from main entry (one of the lights is out, hence the super bad lighting)

View standing in Master, looking through the half bath into the full (there are pocket doors)

The packing has began. And I have some plans to document the move. Good things to come!

Problema.

How......................?

How do you tell the person you have been with for 6 years, who has thought for those 6 years you didn't want children that you suddenly do?

Well, besides just saying it. I guess I need to come out of the baby-making closet.

Side note: I'm sort of stubborn, and I tend to hate eating my words when wrong. A lot. I'm trying to remind myself the advice of my lovely bff: "You are allowed to change your mind; you don't have to justify it to anyone." and also, "Who cares about them? (the people who will say, but I thought you didn't want kids? and I knew you'd change your mind!) They don't matter anyways." I love her. She is the part of my brain that all my insecurities tend to drown out a lot of the time.

I haven't exactly made a decision about it either. I did not wake up one day (like so many people told me I would) and know I wanted to make a baby. That stupid biological clock everyone talks about has began ticking. Ever so quietly in the back of my mind. Plus the fact that I am literally surrounded by babies and pregnant women everywhere I turn. And then they are all over Facebook as well. F*cking Facebook. I do not blame them, because we are at prime baby-makin' age, but it doesn't help my current predicament either.

I've never expected to wake up and just know. It was the same bullshit when I was wedding dress shopping. Everyone said, "You'll *just* know when its the right dress!" I never felt that, and then the dress I chose wasn't even what I ended up getting hitched in.
So yeah, I'm not expecting divine intervention and "just knowing" to happen. I'm much too logical for that.

The main reason I had thought in the past that I didn't want kids was my own awkward and sometimes painful adolescent experiences. I think the fact that I am finally coming to terms with them, forgetting the bad and remembering the good has caused this change of heart.

Plus my adorable niece is NO help. I mean she is the cutest thing in the world to me. Just look at her:

Showing off her sticking-her-tongue-out skills.

The Husband's new work schedule has him on nights right now, but Saturday he is off a bit earlier so I'm planning on dropping the bomb then. So much of me committing 100% to having a baby hangs on his reaction and if he wants to as well. I don't want to unless he wants to.

I'm doing it Saturday. It needs to be done. It must be done.

Logic vs. Intuition.

Logically, my college educated, sociology laden brain is screaming, "NOOOOOOO! Baby is not the best choice!" But then there are millions of years of evolution inside me, quietly nudging, "BAAAAAAABBBBBBBEEEEEEEE, makeabaaaaaaabbbbbeeeeeee".

And it is slowly driving me nuts, the push and pull of it all.

So, since I love a good list, a made a pros and cons list for (possible) procreation. In no apparent order:

Pros:
-Will shut up biological clock
-Tiny clothes, shoes and hats w/ears
-Someone to take care of me when I'm old
-cousin for Baby M. (my niece)
-Sibling for Kiddo and Little One
-Having a mini-me (or mini husband in the case of a boy) would be cool
-Getting to parent the way I want, not tip toe around the hard stuff like I do w/the girls because I never want them to say in anger, "you're not my mother!" I already know that.
-Never a boring moment
-hugs and cuddles
-finger painting possibilities
-Being told "you two would make such cute babies!" makes me curious...
-Giving my husband the chance to do the baby thing, one last time when he will be there for all the milestones he missed out on with the girls

Cons:
-Body never the same
-Mass amounts of laundry
-Taking care of for 18+ years
-Another person to bathe, clothe, feed etc...
-Taking Dad time away from Kiddo and Little One
-Babies turn into kids who turn into teenagers (who, in general, are annoying at best)
-College $
-childcare costs (I doubt we could afford me to do the SAHM thing, sadly and that opens up a whole other issue with me: why have kids if I'm going to pay someone else to basically raise them?)
-doctor's visits
-sticky hands/faces
-Lack of sleep
-loss of identity

This is where I stand on the topic. 12 cons versus 12 pros. Completely torn.



***

My husband and I were watching a TV show last night and one of the characters was getting a vasectomy. He mentioned, "If you are 100% sure you don't want kids we should look into that for me". I all could say was I don't know. Twice. And that is a lot different than how I used to respond to such a discussion. I should have laid it all out for him right then and there, but I clammed up. I'm not so good at eating my words, and after years and years of claiming, "I like babies, as long as they are other people's" I am partially hung up on having to do just that.

I know there is not perfect time to have a baby, but at this juncture of our lives, I couldn't feel it is more wrong: we live in a two bedroom apartment we are quickly outgrowing (w/o another human being taking up residence) and I am on the verge of enrolling in a graduate program where I work while my husband is switching jobs, again (that is a long story, ending with panic attacks and his hair falling out). We don't even have a washer and dryer, we are kicking it at the laundromat once a week.

I just wish the nagging feeling that something is missing would go away, but I am seriously starting to doubt if it will on its own.

New Normal.

I squint through the darkness in order to see what the time is, and once again I've awoken just shy of a half hour until I need to get up. As I stumble still half asleep to the bathroom (since that's why I'm awake too early once again) the thought of a morning workout crosses my mind but quickly decide "not today" and head back to bed for another 20 or so minutes of sleep. One snooze button hit later, I'm in the shower and he's up and moving.

"I'm going to go start the cars" he says. I smile. "Okie" I reply.

We have been doing the morning dance around each other in our small apartamento for a month now. For the first time ever we have to be at work at the same time every day. I sort of love starting my day with him.

Aside from realizing we need at least a bath and a half in our (hopefully in the not-so-distant) future home, it has been strangely nice. It is easier to get out of the warm bed knowing your personal heater has to get up as well. And knowing your car won't be warm and/or not covered in snow when you go to depart. That is worth sharing the bathroom for.

His job is going well. He likes it, and it is a lot of take home work sometimes, but eventually he won't be the new guy and won't have to prep so much for the computer programs he is teaching the next day (because he will have already taught them). He is finally doing something he actually enjoys, for the first time in over five years. That makes me so happy for him. Add in the fact of room for advancement and profit sharing and I think my husband might have a career on his hands.

The 4 months he was unemployed I was constantly waiting for something epic and bad to happen, that we wouldn't be able to afford to fix. It never happened and here we are on the other side of things, wiser and happier than I could have imagined. I've been saying the lay off was a blessing in disguise; things really do happen for a reason.

So even when I'm dark and twisty, things aren't that bad, and I feel like they can only get better from here on out.

But wait, what happened to the angsty crap from last time? I would attribute that to really bad PMS....plus I'm working out again, and I've said it before, its my own natural anti-depressant. It's a wonder what sweating it out can do for your mood. If only I could stick with it forever and I would be rainbows and smiles permanently...ehhh I don't know about that...

Winter wins again.

I'm suffocating even though I still take breaths in.

I'm sinking but my arms don't remember how to swim.

I'm restless but I don't know where I wouldn't be.

None of this is even bothersome, it is all just mundane. It is all expected, familiar; boring almost.

I'm jealous, bitter, angry, sad, anxious and a million other feelings.

Perhaps I should get back on the wagon of weight loss (aka treadmill) if only there wasn't such a vicious cycle of apathy going on presently. I just don't feel like it, so I don't. Then I feel worse, so I don't. Maybe I should remember how I felt two short weeks ago? So easy to be optimistic after two weeks away from the most un-fulfilling part of my days.

59 days til Spring......

So this is the New Year. Again.

It seems like just yesterday it was a year ago. Probably because one year ago I was lazing about watching bowl games much like I am today, but this year feels different. Even with its similarities, January 1, 2011 (I wonder how many times I'll write 2010 in the next month?) is a whole new world.

I really enjoy New Year's Eve. I always have. I know it is just a flip of the calendar but there is something so refreshing about it for me and my slightly OCD personality. Its a new start. A clean slate. This year I have discovered a new confidence in who I am and how I've grown in the past 365 days. It makes this day much happier, because there is no place to go but up.

2010 was not easy. It was as much a bitch as it was fantastic. I learned more about myself and quite possibly about life than I have thus far. Doors were closed and windows opened. I worried less and lived more.

My little family is finally united. That is the best part of all.

All is right in the world, or at least my world, for at least a little while.

Here's to a happy and healthy 2011. Cheers.

Dear Uterus,

I would REALLY appreciate it if you stopped making me yearn for something I have adamantly opposed as long as I understood the concept. It is really annoying and it is giving me crazy ass dreams to boot.

I'm a logic person, uterus, and the cons of reproducing always out weigh the pros for me, so in case you didn't get the memo, I DON"T WANT TO USE YOU TO GROW LIFE, EVER.

So if you could please stop making me weepy over babies' photos (besides my niece, I'll allow that) it would really help me....also if you stopped nagging at the back of my brain day and night that would also be nice. The rest of my brain does not agree, nor does it appreciate the constant conflicting ideas.



Signed,
Mrs. Melberry

PS- I know you know what "they" say....but I'm on to you, so I'm going to contradict you til the cows come home.

Day Thirty: Letter.

Dear Me,

Somewhere, somehow you grew up. You became self-reliant and (even more) independent than you had always been. You make sure the bills are paid and that there's food to eat and even though it has become apparent how grown up you are, I love how you remember being a kid, especially where your step-daughters are involved.

In the past year you have began to learn how to worry less and live more; you have learned that how you envision something is very rarely ends up in real life.... and you have accepted that you might as well stop thinking ahead on EVERYTHING. You can only plan so much, because then life happens and things will be different. Often things are so different, but still fabulous.

I love how you are learning to embrace the unknown.....you used to say you enjoyed it, but the truth was it terrified you, now you see uncharted territory as endless possibilities.

I love how you have began to be comfortable with who you are inside and out...which isn't an attainable goal to you but something that is a skill to hone and change as you change. I love how you have began to look at exercise as part of your lifestyle, not as something to do for a certain time span to achieve weight loss. I love how you have finally admitted you may never be smaller than you were on your wedding day, but that is okay.

I love how you focus on the positive and in an effort to make the negative melt away...life is too short to remember the bad times.

I love how much you go above and beyond for the people who are most important to you; that you know the best thing you can do is compromise when someone doesn't see eye to eye with you and that you are slowly but surely learning how to admit you were wrong, and mean it.

Basically, I love how you have opened up to change....most people don't like change but you have admitted to yourself that people can change for the better and things you used to think you didn't want for your life are starting to make more sense....even if they scare you. A lot.

You have so much living left to do, so don't be afraid to forget the details (for once) and live in the now, because it passes faster each year.

Much Love,
You

So although it took me a bit longer than anticipated, I completed the 30 Days of Truth thing. I think it was a learning experience....so woo-hoo for personal growth.

Day TwentySeven: Best.

I feel like the best thing going for me right now is the compilation of all the small things going well, considering our circumstances. Or perhaps my ability to accentuate the positive? Either way, here's a list of the good:

I have a job with decent benefits that is paying our bills. My family is amazing and the fact that tomorrow my oldest step-daughter will be seeing her sister for the first time in 3 years makes my heart swell. It won't be long until we get to spend time as a family of four again.

I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for. We recently pulled off a surprise benefit for one of the sweetest women I know who is battling cancer where we made over $6700. They keep me laughing and remind me of how important it is to let loose and have fun sometimes.

I've convinced myself exercise is something I just need to do each day, sort of like brushing my teeth in the morning and before bed. Just another part of the routine. This is already helping my mood, which usually takes a nose dive when it gets cold...and then another after Christmas, since its cold AND all the holiday crap is over and there isn't much to look forward to besides spring, which sometimes doesn't come until April or May. Since I've started now, I'll continue through the dead of winter and who knows maybe even drop a size or two in the process.

You see, its all good, if you look at things in the right way.

Holi-don'ts.

I have already began dreading the next two months. I feel like it starts earlier each year, with Christmas nonsense already filling shelves of every store I've entered since last Sunday, and the TV commercials constantly reminding us of the things to come: Day after Thanksgiving sales, BIG DEALS, consume, Consume, COOOOONNNNNSUMMMME!

We are on a very extremely tight budget this year. With the husband losing his job and I being required to take furlough (long story short: campus will be closed from the week before Christmas until the Monday after New Years and one day of pay each month will be taken off my paycheck until next june, hurrah.) things could get hairy but we have a pretty exact plan of action when it comes to present buying. Mostly, not buying anyone anything besides the girls, Baby M. (my niece) and our parents (ONLY if we can figure out frugal joint presents for each set).

I'm also refusing to become stressed about family obligations. Plain and simple. If the girls can't be there, it will make me sad but I won't get all worked up over it. I'm already expecting my brother to muck everything up, with his "surprise" visit or ever changing arrival date (he is known for both, and while I know he doesn't do it on purpose, it always messes up already planned things....and when he's in another country with the Army its one thing, but he's in South Carolina for Pete's sake!)

So to re-cap Holiday Season 2010 Don'ts:

-No crying (at least not of the sad, we-have-no-money kind, tears of joy are allowed.)
-No stressing (aka no skipping the gym for this girl.)
-No present buying for anyone but the 'rents and the kids. Period. (I have a problem with gift giving...I enjoy it way too much.)

Did I use parentheses enough in this post or what?

Day Seven: Life Part One.

Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Not to be redundant but I am going to be anyway because this also goes to the husband.

Before I met him, I wasn't lost or depressed......you could say I was happy but man, I was bored. I wasn't quite sure why, but I felt like something was missing. I had all these single girl plans but deep down they freaked me out a little, to do them all by myself. I had not experienced a successful relationship since I was 19. And if I remember correctly, I didn't know shit about life at 19 or my self for that matter. (Not that I have all the answers at 26, but I at least have my head on semi-straight at this point. So there's that.)

He's my favorite part of every day, my constant comic relief, bug-killer and laundry-mat a-goer. He's my Lukey and I am so grateful to spend my life with him.

Money CAN buy Happiness....

Or it can at least buy the husband the right to see his child and that makes us both really happy, especially since (in my completely biased opinion) she is pretty stinking cute:

Little One (who isn't so little anymore!) Last Thursday

She is outgoing and full of energy and I love hearing the stories of his weekly visits. Her favorite animal is a skunk and she loves to swing and draw. In November I'll be going with him to visit/"meet" her. (I use quotations, because I knew her from two weeks old to September of 2007, but we are not sure if her mother knows this, and Little One of course won't remember) He wants me to be there when we reintroduce the girls to each other, since Kiddo is pretty reserved around people she doesn't know and Little One is so extroverted and the last time they saw each other, Kiddo was 5 and Little One was about a year and very blonde. I'm sure it might be uncomfortable at first, but once Kiddo warms up to her, they will probably have tons of fun. Or not. Either way, we are a family, albeit a very non conventional one, but a family nonetheless.

***

We are just as poor as when I was still in college but man, are we happy. Husband job hunts every day, and has taken to Frisbee Golfing a few times a week to get him out of the apartment. I am not looking for a job anymore right now, because I can't take a pay cut with Husband not working. Also when I interviewed at a local private college last week and was told the pay was minimum wage I decided its time to put my job search on hold, and just worry about paying the bills and keeping current on things. And living life and not getting caught up on the problems so much, because really, who wants to waste their time on the bad parts? Not me. I have step-daughters to play with, an adorable baby niece to tickle, a husband to laugh with and great friends to see me through and right now, that's about all I can ask for.

One Year.

A year ago I was in the home stretch week before my wedding. I was ready to be married and even more ready to be in Florida for the honeymoon. Life was good and that week in Florida was spectacular.

So much can happen in a year. So much to make you realize what marriage is really all about.

Since I've became a wife I've also became a stepmother, an aunt and a godmother. Also a person who is capable of caring for a baby for extended lengths of time (I hadn't ever been alone with a baby for longer than a few hours before). I've become that married woman who doesn't want her own babies and I'm okay with it, even though society tends to freak out whenever it comes up. I'm learning how to bite my tongue occasionally and just be supportive but also how to ask him for help when I need it. I've learned how the dishes are not a valid reason to be angry, ever.

In 3 weeks I'll become the solitary earner in our household. To me, this is the scariest scenario to date. Just when I had finally gotten to a place where our finances were not a constant on my mind worry, his company decides to downsize the graphics department and relocate it to an office an hour and half away. Yes, he'll file for unemployment and yes, I'm sure he'll get it, but it is only a percentage and then there's Kiddo's child support to pay and the court date for Little One is the Monday after his last day of work, which we are responsible for the court fees. And Christmas will be impossible and the possibility of not being able to stay afloat which is very real makes my chest tighten and my eyes water and the room spins and I don't even know where to start or what to do to make this better.

***

I have a job interview tomorrow. The money is better, the job similar to what I do now but (hopefully) with less of the BS. If it goes well and a job offer comes of it, I'm taking it and we'll be moving shortly after once again. There are more jobs in Columbus for Husband to pursue and as much as I LOVE where we live now, driving one hour both ways to work every day isn't very appealing. Things are bad, but could be worse, right? Right.

Just call us Gypsies.

I have dedicated some serious time in the very recent past to google maps. Why you ask? I'm trying to map out the best place between work(not my current place, but the state capital where a majority of Ohio's jobs are right now, where I may or may not have interviews in the next month, stay tuned), Kiddo and Little One (who live approximately an hour apart) and our families (which is hard since I'm from 30 miles north of Cincy and he's from 30 minutes west of Columbus).

There is no place that is a neutral good in-between place for us to be.

Right now, we are 30 minutes from Kiddo, 45 minutes from my parents, 1 hour from my niece, 1 hour 20 min from my in-laws and 1 hour and 45 minutes from Little One.

The closer we go towards the kids and his parents, the farther we become from mine. I have come to accept this, but it doesn't make the idea of being even farther away from them any easier....especially since I've become increasingly attached to my sister's offspring.

Even factoring out the distance to my side of the fam, it is hard to come up with the best place between the kids (in two different towns, mind you) and Columbus.

Then there is my need to be within a 20 minute drive to a Target that further complicates things, since its Blue Signed Department Store Country, excluding the ritzy burbs of the state capital.

I'm on the verge of suggesting RV living for us, because really, thinking of all the driving and the cost of gas to do that driving, makes me ill.

A friend on Twitter even informed me the particular Blue Signed Department Store welcomes overnight RV parking for free. Parking Lot-Sweet-Parking Lot.

I guess I need to accept the fact that we will be spending some major time in cars for the rest of our lives....and then start saving for something roomier but gas efficient, since my car hit 100,000 miles earlier this summer and really isn't all that great for Ohio winters.

It sucks to grow up.........