Ghosts.

I've only had one real heartbreak in my life. Then I dated a bunch of losers for short time spans, then I quit dating all together, then I met my husband. It's pretty cut and dry when it comes to my relationship past.

I always take pride in how relatively good our relationship has been and continues to be. No, it isn't perfect, but we really try to keep it on the good side of things. We haven't had a huge fight since we got married and to date we've only had a handful of serious arguments. We get along well.

Since things have been serious, I have had the same quasi-reoccurring dream. It is never the exact same situation, it usually varies as to what is going on with our lives at that given time, but it always ends with Husband telling me he's not happy and this is not working and he's leaving. It is always completely from left field and there is no discussion about things. Sometimes I realize it's a dream and sometimes I don't. Either way, it always leaves me with a very bad taste in my mouth when I wake up.

This is exactly how my one heartbreak went, many years ago, when I was a mere 19 years old. It sucked, but I recovered. I never really thought it scarred me all that much because with time I gained wisdom and often joke about how I don't even know what I was thinking dating him in the first place, let alone getting so in over my head about him. I guess I should give the break up more credit, since it's still haunting me, periodocially through really vivid, awful my-husband-is-leaving-me-for-no-reason dreams.

I had a very, very busy weekend, with my bff's Bridal Shower on Saturday and my sister's Baby Shower on Sunday. I found out this morning I slept walked last night, which I've only done once or twice in my whole life, I was very tired to say the least. When I woke up, I decided it was a good idea to sleep a bit longer and come into work around 10 or 11. It's Spring Break and my head boss is out for the week, so not a big deal. Husband left about 8:30, coming in and saying goodbye with a kiss and then I snuggled up with the kitty and went back to sleep.

When I woke up at 9, I was crying hysterically and truly thought my husband had moved out, since you know, he wasn't in bed with me which he usually is when I go to work on time, which I had completely forgotten I called in late to work. It was awful. The dream was so vivid, and it took place in our apartment, with him talking about things that have been going on in our lives as the reasons he had already found an apartment to rent in the town where he works and his parents and sister were there to help him move....it was bad.

Now I can't get it out of my head...thus the annoying re-telling that just occurred. My silver lining is I got to listen to the BBC Newshour on NPR on the way into work....oh and its really quiet around here as well.

Is it awful and bad that I still dream of getting in my car and just driving with no clue where I'm going just to break the monotony of this life I've created?

I guess its not so horrible since I know I would never have the balls to do it....plus as much as I think I want to, I could never hurt the people in my life in that way. I have a lil 21st century family now and they depend on me just as much as I depend on them.

It sucks to grow up.

Dis-connect.

This will most likely be a very disjointed, unorganized and whiny sort of thing due to me being out of the loop for the past two days because I'm in this god awful, snooty, rich suburb of Chicago. Seriously, this place has sucked the joy out of my usual happiness about staying in a hotel. And you should see these houses. And the amount of Audis/BMWs/Mercedes/Porches I've seen is ridiculous.

I brought my MacBook, thinking being a very nice hotel, there would be free WiFi in the damn, overpriced place...I swear I saw it say so on the website, but who knows. I was wrong. $9.95 for a connection that expires the next day at 3pm. So if I wanted interweb for both nights I'm here, it would be $20. I'm poor and was just generally annoyed by this, so I said, no way. Then I remembered there was a "business center" with a computer and fax and copier. i go to check it out, and its $4.95 for the first 10 minutes and then $.10 for each additional minute. So no internet at the hotel. Bummer.

Then I decide, hey, I'll go workout for a while. I head down to the gym and there is also a day spa at this hotel, so there's a counter and receptionist there.

She tells me there is an $8 charge each time you come to the gym, but you can just charge it to your room! I tell her no thank you, I'll just go for a walk, since that's still free and I'm on my way. My room was pre-approved to go on my boss's work credit card...for the exact amount it will be with tax so I can't "just charge it to my room."

After this, I decide to just go drive and try to find something better to do, since the cable doesn't have anything good on. I find an outdoor mall, which was nice, but its not like I can shop right now, with the wedding and bills and having to spend $600 on new tires Tuesday before I left...and I try to find someplace reasonable to eat...like a Chipotle or Panera and of course I couldn't find shit so I end up at an effing McD's.

Today, conference lunch was seriously a bunch of weird shit I wasn't about to attempt to eat so I had chicken and soup, that's it. It was annoying...along with this conference in general. I don't know why the fuck I'm even here. We don't even use the testing program its for! I don't really even get what they have been talking about for the past two days. Plus I just don't know much about testing nor do I care.

So today I try to drive the other direction, thinking I might find something besides McD's for tonight's dinner, but nope. Here I sit, in the fanciest goddamn McDonald's on the planet. Plus I paid $2.95 for 2 hours of internet. I don't know if this is a statewide Illinois thing or what, but it fucking sucks.



Oh and I had the worst wedding dream I've had so far but in an effort to forget it, I don't want to rehash it right now. I slept awful last night, waking every hour.

So here's a recap of the sucking of Oak Brook, IL for Ms. Emmalane:
1. No free internet (this has also made me want an iPhone even more)
2. No free gym.
3. Gross snooty food.
4. stupid conference.
5. way too squishy bed/pillows causing bad sleep.
6. State of IL being hour behind OH, its just annoying.
7. Nothing besides McD's or expensive restaurants around hotel.

I can't wait to go home.

Monday.

Ohio is known for its insane weather and it is living up to its reputation lately. So warm and nice for two days last week and now its frigid again but supposed to be 60 degrees by Friday. If I don't get pneumonia I might get to enjoy the warm days this week.
All that crap about the cold being more annoying as you get older is so true as well. It makes my knees ache. Probably not a good sign at 24 to have achy joints. Its like I'm 24 going on 65. Everytime I talk about the weather I can't help but remember one of my professors telling me how she thinks it is a midwestern thing. She lived in the Southwest for a long while and it was one of the first things she noticed when she came to Ohio...just a regional difference she observed.
They probably don't talk about it because the weather doesn't vary too much in the Southwest, so there isn't much to discuss. Or because we're all farmers in the midwest so we care about the weather more. Riiiiiight.

Unrelatedness: Today when I woke up I was having a dream about the wedding invites. I was freaking out because they were white, and like most other things related to the wedding, I'm subbing ivory for white....I'm working with earthy, warm colors and white just doesn't fit into that for me.

The most annoying thing about these random wedding -related dreams is I have them about things I've already taken care of. We have all the materials for the invites. My sister gave me 50 blank ivory with response cards left over from hers and then she found the ones we liked from Target on clearance for $12.50 and bought them for me and then refused to let me pay her back. Since Fiance is a graphic designer, he's going to create something for the blank ones and format the designed already ones and they are taken care of.

I can not seem to fully wake today. I've had the coffee but I still feel like a cranky kindergartener ready for nap time...where's my blankie, I need to go night-night.

Weird.

The stupid wedding is inflitrating my sweet slumber....along with other things.

I was in the middle of some dream about flowers last night when Fiance awoke me with a different thing in mind completely. It was weird. I was confused. For a moment reality and dream worlds overlapped and there was rolling about in flowers. I'll leave it at that.

Why am I am dreaming about flowers? I mean, I've never been into them before. I find myself gravitating towards earthy colors and nature patterns on home decor, but never in the froo-froo way. More in the two-toned, outline of nature style, but now I'm dreaming about which flowers to pick for the day I get married?

What makes it worse is how I decided two days ago to not even use real flowers. I'm allergic and they are expensive.

The wedding is like a disease!


Completely unrelated: I changed my bloggy's look. I decided it was time to shake things up.