This Step-Mom's take.

Unless you live under a rock, you know Sunday is Mother's Day.

It's a weird day for me, being a part-time-parental-unit-type-person that I am.

My mother, being the amazing woman that she is, always gives me a card and a little something, because she knows all the motherly type things I do for the girls. On the flip side, my husband, being.....my sometimes dense but oh so lovable husband, doesn't do squat. I'm okay with both these things.

I am not a mother. I'm the wife of a father.

Sometimes I do get the inkling I know what it feels like to be "mom". Those moments when Little One sits on my lap and absentmindedly holds my hand and sort of pets it, or when the Kiddo says something so poignant and wise beyond her years. My heart swells for a moment and I think, thank you, who ever/what ever/the universe for bringing these girls to me.

But, alas, those moments are fleeting; I'm snapped right back into place with exchanges such as this one, last weekend in the car:

Little One: "Daddy I need a drink of water please."

(Husband was driving, so I grabbed the bottle of water and handed it back to her)

Little One: (not missing a beat) "Uhh, I asked my Daddy for some water, not you."

Step-Mom Me: "Well, Little One, (I actually busted out her full name, which neither of us exactly like in the first place so we usually call her by a shortened version the husband came up with shortly after her birth) Daddy is driving, so that's why I'm getting it for you and you can ask me for it next time."

Tiny reminders of how I'm not mom. How he is always preferred by the girls to me, with good reason, no doubt, but still it stings a bit.

I read an article on CNN about one step-mother's anguish about not having the relationship with her step-daughter that she thought she should. And how Mother's Day is so hard for her. (I'm not linking to said article because I honestly don't like how it was written or what she had to say.)

I don't see it like that. I don't have any expectations when it comes to my relationship with the girls. I just let it be what it is. I don't try and make it something its not; I'm not trying to be their best friend nor am I trying to be their mother. I do try my very hardest to be a good example; a positive female role model. I try to show them there are many ways to look at things and how being different from others is quite alright.

I am happy to have a front row seat to their lives, with a smidge of influence on who they will become.

So Sunday, as my step-daughters are giving their mothers handmade cards and probably little gifts made at school, I'll be quietly thankful I get to be part of their existence.

And that fact alone is enough for me.

Kiddo and I, at an amusement park last Summer.

Little One and I, December 2010

Toughie.

Do step-parenting support groups exist? If so, I need to know when and where and if there isn't, I should start one.

It is not an easy job...being a part-time-sort-of-parental-type-person. You (think you) know what you are getting yourself into, but at the same time, you don't at all; every family is as different as its individuals.

You have to remember why you chose to be with your partner AND their child(ren, in my case) when the going gets tough. You are allowed to provide basic care (ie: feeding, grooming, purchasing of things to feed and clothe them with) but beyond that, it gets murky, especially if the child's other biological parent goes out of their way to be difficult on a regular basis.

You can love the child(ren) immensely, but don't expect to be well received if things come up about how they are being raised and/or taken care of when with the other parent. You can worry about them, but you can't do more than volunteer solutions to your partner when it comes to problem solving issues with the other parent.

I always said I didn't want kids, but here I am, step-parenting away, which I am honest-to-goodness starting to believe can be harder than parenting in its own way. I am convinced being a parent is the hardest role anyone can have in life, but emotionally step-parenting has to be at least, on the same page as parenting, if not more confusing at times. At least I could be 50% of the decision making if they were biologically mine. Right now, I'm about 10% of one half (I suck at math, so you figure that one out) and all I can do is give my opinion to my husband, whether he takes it or not is completely up to him....and even if he does, the mom still has veto power.

My husband and his girls were a packaged deal from day one, and I thought long and hard before we got serious about how him having kids adds an additional layer of life-complicating situations. I wouldn't trade my life right now for anything, but some sort of step-parenting manual would be helpful. Perhaps there exists a "Step-Parenting for Dummies" manual? I need to research this.

Bottom line: It is hard to care so much but keep your mouth shut at certain times. It is something I am still learning how to do 100% of the time. I try my best to be a positive role model for the girls, and enjoy the fleeting moments we get to spend as a family of four; every other weekend never seems to come soon enough.

Nevi.

Yesterday I saw you for the first time in over 3 years. It was amazing to see the little lady you have become. I somehow held it together and didn't cry (even though it kept me quiet for the first 30 minutes you were there). You hair is darker, longer and full of ringlet curls, but your face, especially your eyes, are exactly the same.

I'm not sure if you really grasp who I am yet, but that is okay. Your mom said you remembered her telling you about me, and I know it is probably different to see Mommy, Daddy and this other lady all in the same room, but we all love you so that is the important part.

Your imagination is almost unbelievable and it was a joy to watch you and your daddy interact. I can't wait for you to see your sister again.
I don't know if your mommy knows I met you when you were barely one month old, or how I fed you bottles and later bananas and rice cereal. I don't know if she knows that I saw you last when you were just over a year old and how you so sweetly fell asleep in my arms...she doesn't really need to know, but hopefully someday you will.

Day Ten: let go.

Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.

I honest-to-goodness do not have a person for this topic, but for the sake of the writing exercise (and since I'm going to see Little One and her mother tomorrow) a stretch would be Little One's mom.

I wish I didn't know her. She made the first year of the husband and I's relationship a lot more complicated than it should have been. I wish she could just be a crazy ex of my now husband, instead of the mother of his youngest child. I wish I would have pursued him right after I met him in September of 2005 (Little One was conceived in late November). But I didn't. And who's to say we would have made it if I had? Plus Little One would not be, and that would just be messed up. She was a part of our early relationship and seeing him with her, being there for the first night he kept her overnight....that was sort of something special.

Husband and Little One's mom are communicating well and getting along right now. I hope that continues...especially after I am added to the mix of things. Tomorrow. I'm nervous already.

The same thing can be said about Kiddo's mom, but there would be no Kiddo without her. So I'm learning to live with her frustratingly illogical, self-centered behavior; to take the road less traveled and not react when she does impossibly selfish things and obviously is not putting her daughter first. Or when Kiddo comes over stinky, time and time again. (She tells us she gets a bath once a week, Wednesdays when she is at her grandma's. Did I mention she is 8? Yeah.....that's a whole other post.)

So while I wish I didn't know these ladies, they are each one half of two little girls that I love. So I choose to deal with them with a smile on face knowing someday we won't have to see them nearly as much....and someday all of this could make a really good book.

It strikes again.

Stupid Facebook.

I knew it was going to happen, just not this soon. Little One's mom (who used to stalk Husband on another social networking site, and stalk me and send me emails with lies trying to get to me to break up with him) wants to be friends with us on Facebook. Husband wanted to say "we can be friendly but I wouldn't call us friends" but he didn't know how, so he told her he would be alright with it, but maybe wait until we see each other more (as in, the mom and me). I told him whenever she requests/he approves, he needs to get into his settings and make some changes for what she can see. I know her type. She will be all up in our business. I think he is so glad they are getting along so well he doesn't want to rock the boat, and I am in the same opinion, plus we would get to see pictures of Little One and what not, its just scary? Nerve-racking? Stress-inducing? (All of the above.) I don't update my every move on Facebook anyway, but with her in the mix, I'm going to feel the need to censor myself. And I worry the crazy will come back. I worry the same girl who sent me messages telling me that she's sorry but my (then) boyfriend cheated on me with her and how "they were really serious about getting married some day" (which wasn't the least bit true) will reappear and cause a bunch of unneeded drama in my life.

Maybe she is a changed woman. Maybe she'll continue to play nice and eventually we will turn into some 21st century thing that sort of resembles a quasi-family. I would actually really enjoy that scenario, but the worry is still there, and probably will be there for a few years.

So there you have it, yet another reason Facebook is the devil.

Little things.

They make me really happy sometimes. for example....

I'm not trying to take credit for this, (hah, who am I kidding??) buuuuuuut Kiddo's "new favorite animal" is the owl. They are doing reports on animals at school and she's chosen the Snowy Owl. I've sort of had this thing with them for years, beginning when I was very small and was gifted my great-grandmothers turquoise double owl necklace after she passed. Now that they have become quasi-trendy once again probably has something to do with Kiddo's new affinity for them, but I like to pretend I may have had some influence as well.

Will I ever admit this tiny victory to anyone else? No but it is nice to know I have an impact on her likes, (or at least I like to think so?) even if its something as trivial as "favorite animal" which will probably change 10 more times in the coming years, but oh well. Score one for step-moms every where.

Money CAN buy Happiness....

Or it can at least buy the husband the right to see his child and that makes us both really happy, especially since (in my completely biased opinion) she is pretty stinking cute:

Little One (who isn't so little anymore!) Last Thursday

She is outgoing and full of energy and I love hearing the stories of his weekly visits. Her favorite animal is a skunk and she loves to swing and draw. In November I'll be going with him to visit/"meet" her. (I use quotations, because I knew her from two weeks old to September of 2007, but we are not sure if her mother knows this, and Little One of course won't remember) He wants me to be there when we reintroduce the girls to each other, since Kiddo is pretty reserved around people she doesn't know and Little One is so extroverted and the last time they saw each other, Kiddo was 5 and Little One was about a year and very blonde. I'm sure it might be uncomfortable at first, but once Kiddo warms up to her, they will probably have tons of fun. Or not. Either way, we are a family, albeit a very non conventional one, but a family nonetheless.

***

We are just as poor as when I was still in college but man, are we happy. Husband job hunts every day, and has taken to Frisbee Golfing a few times a week to get him out of the apartment. I am not looking for a job anymore right now, because I can't take a pay cut with Husband not working. Also when I interviewed at a local private college last week and was told the pay was minimum wage I decided its time to put my job search on hold, and just worry about paying the bills and keeping current on things. And living life and not getting caught up on the problems so much, because really, who wants to waste their time on the bad parts? Not me. I have step-daughters to play with, an adorable baby niece to tickle, a husband to laugh with and great friends to see me through and right now, that's about all I can ask for.

Contrary.

I am full of giant contradictions.

I am bothered by how there are two women in this world who have something with my husband that I do not have. Plus its something I don't think I want. I won't even try to explain this...because I don't even understand it. I try to not think about it often, but with Little One finally coming back into the picture, it is hard not to right now.

I love my step-daughters ferociously, more than I think my husband realizes, or even thinks is possible since, you know, I've always said I don't want kids...how could I possibly love someone else's so much? That answer is easy: they are his and I love him more than anything else, so in my world, that means I have the same feelings towards them. They are part of who he is. That part is simple to me.

I want to be strong and be an unfaltering support system to him as we go through this head on, but that is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I don't feel strong. I have so many worries and anxieties about all of this and I have my own amazing support system, but it is pretty much an unprecedented situation to them as well as me, so its frightening.

I feel like I'm allowed to be emotionally invested with these kids on certain levels but not all, (not that it has stopped me, because it hasn't) I get the feeling I'm not supposed to have any say in any of this, but I'm allowed to bathe, clothe, feed, hug, play with etc. Most people would not see this as a bad thing, but I feel like since I am a presence in the life of this child, a legally acknowledged presence that will be there every step of their lives, all the milestones and I'm allowed to do many of the day to day parenting why can't I be part of things more?

***

When you are the other woman, (the childless other woman in my case) in a situation like this, its so hard to sit back and watch someone tell your husband when he will and will not see his kid and not react to it. And to not tell him "that's bullshit" and that he needs to "try harder and do x,y, and z" even if he's done it a million times in the past and it doesn't get him anywhere. He really wants me to not react. That makes me worry he doesn't know me nearly as well as I thought he did. I'm feisty, and stubborn and I stand up for things when I feel like people are being wronged. He has been wronged a 1,000 times over when it comes to these girls and I hate that he has basically given up, because he learned when he went through this with Kiddo, the system doesn't care about the father, or his bills or life, just as long as he pays that precious child support.

We're going to make it through this, and hopefully he will see Little One again and we'll come out on the other side wiser and stronger but its going to be hard and right now, the high road has never seemed longer or more unattainable to me.

Parenting (or lack thereof)

Here's a tidbit of common sense: If you can not/do not want to take care of your kids, DO NOT HAVE THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE. If you are in a situation that involves an unplanned pregnancy when you are 15, 16, 17 years old, you know your options. There are so many people in this world willing to adopt your baby because they can't have their own who can give them the love and attention they deserve.

***

My oldest step-daughter's (Kiddo) mom drives me crazy. She makes me blind with rage and emotion and all my husband does is shrugs his shoulders and tells me there's no point in getting upset and that he has been dealing with her for 10 years now. He has created a very tough armor against her (even though about twice a year, she cracks him and he gets really upset, when this happens, I have a very strong desire to physically harm her, something I've never felt before) which I have yet to form. Plus I am a woman. I am emotional by default of my wiring. I may not have my own children nor do I plan on ever having them, but I love my step-daughter dearly. I feel like she is getting shafted in the Momma department, big time.

Her mother doesn't ever stay home with her when she is sick, her mother calls Husband or her mom to stay home with her (Husband is always more than willing to do so, but its the blatant fact that she doesn't want to have to use her time off work), she doesn't take her to any of the activities we are constantly asked for money for (on top of the child support my husband pays), she doesn't feed her breakfast in the mornings nor does she make sure she brushes her teeth at night. She's 8 years old, you have to tell them to do that! Once a week Kiddo spends the night with her maternal grandparents and every other weekend she is not with us in the summer, she spends it with them, regardless of where her mother is.

Whenever we try and plan things to do with Kiddo, she is difficult. She makes plans during our weekends on a constant basis. She took Kiddo out of school two weeks AFTER spring break, for an entire week to take her to DisneyWorld. This kept her out of town on one of our weekends, and next week they leave to go to Florida for a second vacation that will be over another one of our weekends.

I really wanted to plan a day trip to a local amusement park for the Monday after Father's Day weekend, thinking it would be so fun for Kiddo to spend a Friday-Tuesday with us, then Husband reminded me her Mom's brother's wedding is Father's Day weekend, so we probably won't see her at all.

It's so frustrating. I wish we could all get along like adults. I truly do, but that is definitely not the case with her. I wish she gave Kiddo the attention she deserves. I never, ever want anyone to think I am trying to replace her mom, I mean, its her mom! I just want her to be happy and healthy, neither of which I feel her mother is contributing to, besides buying her expensive gifts and "taking" her on expensive vacations (her parents paid for DisneyWorld and her husband's parents are taking them to the beach next week)

I could just scream.

Life Happenings.

My life in pictures as of late.

I'm still obsessed with my niece...seen here on Mother's Day....

Bff was a GORGEOUS bride who made lots of people cry many times on the 15th (myself included)...

I rocked the dress and had the skinniest day of my life (as seen above)....

Later I rocked it (quite literally) after many-a-drink from the open full bar...

The day after the wedding Kiddo got to meet her newest cousin...

Who we may see again this Sunday (most likely arriving like pictured above)

Yay for life.

Letter.

Dear Little One,

You are not so little anymore. You'll be four years old on July 5! You will always be the younger daughter; the second daughter, but you will always be your father's daughter. Today your paternal grandma (your daddy's mommy) who hasn't seen you in almost 3 years either, is meeting you and your mother for lunch. I hope you like her and I hope your grandma can talk some sense into your mother. We want to see you so badly.

Your daddy wants to be in your life even though the circumstances and events over the short time you've been on this planet have kept him from doing that. I want you to know he is a good person, and he tried to do what was right, even though some people made that very difficult for him. I want to be your step-mommy, too. I remember the first night your daddy had you over night. I don't think I'd ever been around a baby that small in my life and I remember thinking, "wow you are so tiny and pink."

I remember the last time I saw you. We were at your paternal grandparents house, with your older half sister (aka Kiddo) and her cousin. You were a bit fussy after eating and wouldn't go down for a nap. So I held you until you fell asleep. I didn't know that was the last time I would see you, and I think about that day often while I wonder how you have changed and grown since then.

We can't change the past and we'll never get back the 2 1/2 years we've missed, but hopefully in the near, near future we can start over and be a part of your life (and you a part of ours) in a more permanent sort of way.

Lots of Love,

Your Step-Mommy.

Little One, date unknown, but more current than any photo we have. Sent from her mom, to Husband's mom.

Married life.

Growing up in the good Catholic family that was mine, my parents stayed together (although there were many times I feared they'd divorce, due to Dad liking the sauce a bit too much, but that's a whole other fish to fry). This created a vision of "married" in my little developing psyche that my grown up marriage doesn't coincide with at all.

A bit of history:

My parents had already been married 12 years when I was born and were 35 with a 10 year old and a 3 year old. They were tired. Dad worked long hours and Mom bounced from part-time jobs that included Midnights and weekends for years. They did what was expected. They got married (at an older than average age for their time period: married in 1972 when they were both 24) and started a family. Somehow they raised us right and there were no babies out of wedlock or major let downs: both my sister and I graduated college and my brother is a Sergeant in the U.S. Army.

Fast forward to now. Married for five and a half months. I don't want children and we have Husbands 7 year old (and estranged 3 1/2 year old) to make up a very different kind of family. I still don't feel how kid version of myself imagined things would feel, mostly because I don't think you can fathom what adulthood feels like in general. More so, because I'm living a different experience than I watched as a youngster.

We have good days and bad days, like any couple. To this day, whenever we have a disagreement/argument (whatever you want to call it), it is the only emotional situation where I feel like I could hurl (everything else almost always triggers emo-eating). When things are bad, it only makes me want to fix things, learn from it and move on. When things are good, they are really good, like, I almost want to slap myself because I wonder how I lucked out and found someone so made for me. It's slightly nauseating.

Step-parenting, at its worst, feels like attempting to walk on egg shells that have been strewn across a semi-frozen lake (to me at least) but most of the time it isn't like that. Most of the time its nice to be important to someone other than Husband on a regular basis and to take pride in her accomplishments. She is a great kid, and that makes things so easy. Whenever Little One comes back into the picture, who knows how things will ensue.

I still don't know about babies. I love them, and my sister is having one in May which I couldn't be more excited for, but I just don't know if I want to share my husband any more than I already do. Call me selfish and weird, but its the damn truth. Plus the whole shaping of an individual's psyche freaks me out. Add in the expectation of child-rearing once married (why? we aren't farmers and over-population is sort of a problem these days) and I just don't feel the need to procreate.

I never had a relationship that lasted more than 6 months before I met my husband. I feel like I could spend the rest of our lives enjoying that (along with our kitty and maybe a dog, if we ever get a house) and investing our time and energy in each other, and his kids he already has.

I know, I know, I can hear you saying, "you will just wake up one day and want a baby of your own" and maybe I will, but for now, I'm going to spoil my niece that is coming in May, focus on my marriage and help raise my step-kids, and I'm perfectly okay with that.

Breaks my Heart.

Days like yesterday are gut-wrenching, vomit-inducing, make me want to use physical violence (even though I've never before) towards someone who hurts the people I love the most.

What kind of mother is she?

What kind of woman is she?

She really thinks she has the right to act the way she does, and that is the most maddening part of the whole situation.

I loathe how she can upset my husband the way she does and in doing so, she is hurting her daughter, just to spite him. What the fuck is wrong with her?

So many people have told me, "he needs to go back to court" "she can't do that" blah blah blah but she does, and in a rural Ohio court system that her mother works in, she can.

All because he the was first person in her life to stand up to her, to tell her no, to tell her she's not perfect and to not give her exactly what she wanted because she was awful to him. He was man enough to walk way.

It's so frustrating because there is so very little I can do to make things better, besides be a much better female role model for Kiddo, and sometimes those are big shoes to fill.

My step-daughter is her father's child, through and through. I will never stop saying it because I'm so happy it is true. I don't even know if things would have worked out for Hubs and I if she was more like her mother. She is seriously the best behaved 7 (almost 8!) year old in the history of the world and I'm not just saying that because I adore her. She makes the whole step-parenting thing a breeze.

***

It's the most wonderful time....

For a beer...I mean, of the year, hehehe.

The Johnson's took "getting into the spirit" just a little too far, I think Rick Moranis may have had something to do with it as well.

Something is very different about Christmas when you have kids in your life. For me, I've turned into a misty eyed sap who cries at the thought of sentimental things (including the montage scene near the end of Fred Claus with all the kids opening presents and the elves watching via the magic snowglobe...I seriously almost teared up as I typed this, I'm a freak).

Although this isn't the first side effect of kids and christmas...it is also A LOT more expensive and with the ever increasing technology of toys, I'm sure things can only get worse. Kiddo is requesting something I remember asking Santa for, and now that I'm on the other side of things, I know exactly why I didn't get my American Girl Doll that year. $95 for a book and a Doll?! Really? For a doll that doesn't do anything besides create the need for clothes, accessories and furniture? Talk about a status symbol in kid form. Now, if we had more money, I'm sure I would have obliged...I remember how much I wanted one, but that just isn't the case. Luckily, Kiddo won't be disappointed since her mother is planning on getting her one, but it won't be from Santa. She only puts small presents as "from Santa" because she wants the credit for the expensive ones. Isn't she just a lovely human being?

Everything Husband and I get Kiddo is "from Santa" at our house....she's 7, you don't need to buy her affection, especially if you give it to her like a normal human being should but I digress...
Either way, Christmas (Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice or whatev else you may celebrate) is fun with kids around, and I feel lucky to have married into a family o' children. I am also very excited to take Kiddo to a local outdoor shopping mall to see Santa, Mrs. Claus and Reindeer in a couple weeks. I did my homework and found out this shopping mall only hires Santa's with REAL beards. Kiddo is smart, and we are almost sure she is about to figure things out. Our trip to see real bearded Santa a week from Friday could go either way.

Totally unrelated: Who is sick of hearing about Tiger Woods? This girl, that's who!!

Step-parenting: such a slippery slope.

When a lady finds herself in the position of step-mom, there are tons of emotional escapades that will follow. Last Friday was definitely one of the all time worst. I've never been physically ill from something that has happened, but this almost made me throw-up, I was so angry.

My oldest step daughter (AKA Kiddo around these parts) is quite possibly the best behaved 7 year old on the planet. She listens, she never back-talks and rarely throws anything resembling even a mild temper tantrum. She is very smart and it is a joy to me to be a part of her life. I've written in the past about how Kiddo's mother isn't the best female role model for a young girl so I really try to be a good person/woman for Kiddo to be around. In not so nice words: her mother is a selfish bitch.

Friday Husband and I took the day off work to figure out Halloween costumes. He picks up Kiddo from school most days, so I was along for the ride. Usually Kiddo goes to a babysitter after school for two hours, but on this day, her mother's other child (with her now husband) was sick, so Kiddo was going to her mom's instead, after we dropped off the babysitter's son, who gets a ride sometimes. All of this was explained on the short drive from their school to the babysitter's house. While husband walked the second grader to his door, I asked (the oddly quiet) Kiddo if she was thinking about what to be for Halloween next year (they had dressed up for a party this day; she was the cutest darn cowgirl ever and I was UBER pissed I didn't have my camera) and I got an "I-I-I don't know!" in between sobs. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, "I miss my Daddy!" This broke my heart. Once I recovered I asked her if she thought this was a weekend she was coming home with us, and she nodded. Husband tried his best to console her once he was back in the car, and told her he would ask her mom if she could stay at least that night with us.

I don't ever participate in the door to door drop off part of things, because, quite frankly, her mother makes me very uncomfortable, plus we don't want to give her the satisfaction of being able to see me on a regular basis. She is very judgemental and her thing is backhanded comments and snide remarks, Husband doesn't want me to have to deal with her anymore than I already do. Anyway, he takes Kiddo up and meets her mother at the front door, I can see them talking and then I see Husband pick her up and give her a long hug, which I know means her mom said no. As her child stood there crying, because she misses her father, who is WAY MORE than willing to have her spend the evening with him, she says no. What the F*CK is wrong with this woman?

(Let me add this side note: Husband pays court ordered support for Kiddo, but when it was processed, he was still in college, so they agreed to not have a formal court ordered visitation schedule, since his work schedule changed often but that they would follow it as best they could and be flexible with things. This is supposed to be Friday at 6pm until Sunday at 6pm every other weekend and one day during the week. Now that he has a 9 to 5 job, you would think this would be easy to follow except Kiddo's mom is a bitch. We haven't had her on a week day in two goddamn years, but she does stay with her Maternal grandparents 1 to 2 times per week...I know wtf is that shit?)

It made me so sad and angry at the same time I actually thought I was going to throw up for a minute once he got back in the car. He told me when her mother said no, Kiddo sobbed even louder. Its so hard to watch a woman emotionally hurt her child like that and not be able to do a damn thing about it. It is truly maddening. Plus Husband has been dealing with this for five years (since him and Kiddo's mom split) so he just buries the anger because he knows there is nothing to change her ways.

I really didn't know where I was going with this, but I feel better getting it out there, so thanks for reading.