Experiment.

Today I am going to remember the happiest times over my two week furlough; I am thankful I got to spend that time with my husband, friends and family. I will remind myself of the benefits of my job; when I can't find the good things I will refuse to let it interfere with my over all happiness. At least for today. Tomorrow I start again, and see how that goes.

This is a definite one day at a time experiment. If I can apply this attitude every day for the next 21 work days, perhaps it will become routine? Perhaps I will awake to birds chirping and woodland creatures serenading me tomorrow? Anything is possible, right?

Today's benefit: how nice it is to have my own office (where I can take mini breaks to blog randomness).

Holi-don'ts.

I have already began dreading the next two months. I feel like it starts earlier each year, with Christmas nonsense already filling shelves of every store I've entered since last Sunday, and the TV commercials constantly reminding us of the things to come: Day after Thanksgiving sales, BIG DEALS, consume, Consume, COOOOONNNNNSUMMMME!

We are on a very extremely tight budget this year. With the husband losing his job and I being required to take furlough (long story short: campus will be closed from the week before Christmas until the Monday after New Years and one day of pay each month will be taken off my paycheck until next june, hurrah.) things could get hairy but we have a pretty exact plan of action when it comes to present buying. Mostly, not buying anyone anything besides the girls, Baby M. (my niece) and our parents (ONLY if we can figure out frugal joint presents for each set).

I'm also refusing to become stressed about family obligations. Plain and simple. If the girls can't be there, it will make me sad but I won't get all worked up over it. I'm already expecting my brother to muck everything up, with his "surprise" visit or ever changing arrival date (he is known for both, and while I know he doesn't do it on purpose, it always messes up already planned things....and when he's in another country with the Army its one thing, but he's in South Carolina for Pete's sake!)

So to re-cap Holiday Season 2010 Don'ts:

-No crying (at least not of the sad, we-have-no-money kind, tears of joy are allowed.)
-No stressing (aka no skipping the gym for this girl.)
-No present buying for anyone but the 'rents and the kids. Period. (I have a problem with gift giving...I enjoy it way too much.)

Did I use parentheses enough in this post or what?

Crazy-busy.

This past weekend I didn't get much apartment makeover type things accomplished because I was doing 10 million other things and driving all over the greater Miami Valley. Between Saturday and Sunday I did the following:

-gave a test for my work at our branch campus
-helped a friend move
-got a hair cut
-helped the same friend get settled since I have mad organizational skills and get some weird joy out of turning chaos into order.
- showered 2x on Sunday (really, I don't know how this fit in w/the time change and all)
-drove to hometown and:
-finished planning my best friend's Bridal Shower (which is THIS Saturday) and the Bachelorette in May
-Went to Target
-Visited my preggers sister at my mom's house, twice (once before Target trip, once after wedding-stuff planning)

This weekend has convinced me while I love driving a compact car the next time its car purchasing time, I would like something a bit more roomy. Claustrophobia can set in when you spend 50% of your weekend driving around in crappy weather. I would looooooooove the newly redesigned Honda Insight, but lets not get our hopes up.

I'm hoping to maybe at least get our bills organized into the expandable file I bought almost two weeks ago sometime this week. Other than that, I'm on Bridal/Baby Shower stand by, with both happening on Saturday and Sunday.

When did I get a life?

So it begins. Again.

It's official. I'm looking for a new job.

It is the least I can do while I trudge along in my miserable existence at my current place of employment. Please do not think I am not grateful that I even have a job right now, because I am, but I am also becoming increasingly unhappy where I'm at as each day passes. It is not a fulfilling job and I would really like to find something I enjoy doing at least half of the time, so we can maybe figure out where to look for a house AND so I can stop falling down the stairs of our second floor apartment before I break a hip or something.

I do not miss is formatting the old resumé. Or coming up with concise things to say in a cover letter. Or attempting to guess exactly what they want to see in my objective line but I will at least try, because then I can bitch about how I can't find a new job, instead of about how much I dislike the one I already have. Everybody wins!

To all you 20somethings still plugging away at your undergrad, NEVER LEAVE COLLEGE. It's a huge scary world out here, where student loans go into repayment, cars break down, taxes get WAY more confusing than they already are, and you can't even drown your sorrows beginning on Thursday night because:
1. you have to work on Friday, every Friday, and if you mysteriously always call off, they will catch on eventually
2. your body can't handle drinking like that anymore for one night, let alone a weekly 3 night bender. Now sporadic weddings and friends birthdays leave you feeling like death for the following two days and last but not least

3. You are generally more tired than ever before in your life. Probably because you work at a job you pretty much hate and its sucking the very life out of you one painful 8 to 5 work day at a time.

But hey, at least my car insurance is cheaper! (by about $20. Seriously.)

****

Today is one of those days I feel like I am 25 going on 50. I had a dentist appointment. I found a new guy, closer to where I live. I should probably mention I've been putting off finding a new guy for some time. Like a year. And a half.

So anyways, I went in for the preliminary stuff...x-rays and the like. I come to find out this dentist is ridiculously thorough. 18 x-rays, a dental exam and a periodontal exam later I find out I need at least two root canals and crowns and possibly another root canal and blah blah blah and a whole bunch of other things that I don't even know how to pronounce. So he advises I come in for a cleaning next week, and then we go from there, prioritizing the most urgent stuff first.

Thanks Mom and Dad for craptastic mouth genes (hey if you can't blame your parents, who can you blame?) If you know me, you know I'm pretty religious about my brushing and flossing. All I can hope for is they give me the giggle gas and send me home with some sort of Rx for a nice pain killer to help me forget the awful parts...since all the crap I need done will most likely NOT be able to be done all at once.

Being a grown up isn't really all its cracked up to be. Trust me.

Long.

Long weekends: they rule but have a way of leaving you exhausted and wanting more. 3 days off is not enough. Only about 3 months until the honeymoon week of nothingness on the beach in Florida. It can't come soon enough.
We somehow managed to hang with some friends and see both of our families over the weekend. We were very well fed, but not very well rested and spent a crazy amount of time in the car. My family is about 45 minutes from where we live, and his is about an hour and half, depending on traffic. Very worth it though, we had a great weekend. I think I'm a little more than bummed that it is over. Oh well, must press on with life.

We are going to take the invite materials to the printer tonight...hopefully the price is similar to my calculation of around $30 since money is a HUGE issue right now...there just doesn't seem to be enough for our already low budget wedding.

I've been striving to be as active as possible every day...even if it means doing the free step mode on the Wii Fit for 30 minutes while watching TV at night. I did that last night...but this was after I fell asleep on the couch for an hour. It was one of those "I didn't even realize I was asleep until my phone rang and woke me up" types of naps.

I have work I should be doing but can't seem to get motivated. Blarg.

I promise to have more interesting things to say next time.

Grad School.

For calling myself a classic burn out case, grad school won't go away...people won't let my smoldering embers die, so to speak.

Yesterday afternoon my work phone rang and it was my advisor. She found me. It threw me off so bad, but it was good to touch base with her and I knew it would happen eventually, it was only a matter of time. I have been carrying around 412 surveys in my car for the past 6 months. Surveys that focus on what she has studied for the past 15 years, which she kindly suggested I research with her as my Master's Project when she saw me struggling to find my own topic. There was bound to come a day where she finally wanted them back.

I didn't know what to say to her...she made it a point to say she wan't upset or anything and she understands life happens and gets in the way a lot, and now I am going to meet with her this afternoon. She even insinuated since I entered the majority of the data, that she'll give it back to me when she's done w/it and I can finish up....I think. She is awesome for doing this, since I sort of crapped out on her.

But wait, it gets better.

I had to ask my boss if it was okay if I left early to go meet with her around 4 this afternoon. He said, "yes of course that is fine" and I was happy to be leaving at 3:30 on a Friday, woo! Well 10 minutes ago, he came into my office and started asking questions. "When are you finishing up your Master's?" I explained it him what happened, new job + moving + getting engaged + the holidays= no time for grad project plus that I want to finish it but I'm not sure if I have the steam left in me....my classic, "I had been in school for 6 years straight when I stopped" line. He told me to go work it out with my advisor, leave at 3 so we have plenty of time to talk and report back to him Monday with my plans to finish. He even mentioned that once I get the Master's he would look into getting my PhD funded....wait.....what?!? Whoa buddy, he just upped the ante, or whatever they say.

I had high hopes many years ago of getting a Phd but I let those go when I realized the dedication, work and time that goes into it, and now, my crazy, slightly workaholic boss wants to fund it? Really? That pretty much changes everything.

Or does it? I'm so very conflicted on this topic. I know what everyone is thinking...finish the master's at the very least, but I have gotten used to NOT being in school, plus I have a wedding plan, PLUS I'm the Matron of Honor in a wedding that is next May plus I'm freaked out about it....blah blah blah.

Opinions are much needed on this.....

Do I bit the bullet and jump back into the Master's Project now? Wait til after the wedding and start up in September? I truly don't know what to do...my newfound lazy when it come to the idea of school side says "are you insane?!" but the scholar inside me says, "you are SO close to a Master's...and possibly a PhD, doooooo it!!"

HELP!

Costs.

I am thankful for this job...I preface the following statement with this fact.

I do not know if I have ever felt this level of dread associated with getting out of bed and coming to work before today.

Yes, I can pay my bills but at what price?

I can see why people previously in this position weren't happy. It is a very lonely job....and sometimes very frustrating, but I will persevere.

I am thankful for this job....but that doesn't mean I can't wish I were still snuggled in my bed with my adorable Fiancé on this rainy Monday.

Today will be okay....I have lots to keep me busy and Pandora to keep my ears full of good tunes. I am also going to the gym on campus after work for the first time. After lazily sitting on my arse for most of yesterday (this included a 2 hour block of cat-napping whilst Fiancé played Call of Duty 5) I am ready to stop being so sedentary. Plus it might boost my spirits about having to come here day in and day out. With 131 days until the wedding, and me not feeling so great about my forearms, I think its time to take some action.

Happy Monday...try to find your silver lining, it seems to help me on rainy days.

Dis-connect.

This will most likely be a very disjointed, unorganized and whiny sort of thing due to me being out of the loop for the past two days because I'm in this god awful, snooty, rich suburb of Chicago. Seriously, this place has sucked the joy out of my usual happiness about staying in a hotel. And you should see these houses. And the amount of Audis/BMWs/Mercedes/Porches I've seen is ridiculous.

I brought my MacBook, thinking being a very nice hotel, there would be free WiFi in the damn, overpriced place...I swear I saw it say so on the website, but who knows. I was wrong. $9.95 for a connection that expires the next day at 3pm. So if I wanted interweb for both nights I'm here, it would be $20. I'm poor and was just generally annoyed by this, so I said, no way. Then I remembered there was a "business center" with a computer and fax and copier. i go to check it out, and its $4.95 for the first 10 minutes and then $.10 for each additional minute. So no internet at the hotel. Bummer.

Then I decide, hey, I'll go workout for a while. I head down to the gym and there is also a day spa at this hotel, so there's a counter and receptionist there.

She tells me there is an $8 charge each time you come to the gym, but you can just charge it to your room! I tell her no thank you, I'll just go for a walk, since that's still free and I'm on my way. My room was pre-approved to go on my boss's work credit card...for the exact amount it will be with tax so I can't "just charge it to my room."

After this, I decide to just go drive and try to find something better to do, since the cable doesn't have anything good on. I find an outdoor mall, which was nice, but its not like I can shop right now, with the wedding and bills and having to spend $600 on new tires Tuesday before I left...and I try to find someplace reasonable to eat...like a Chipotle or Panera and of course I couldn't find shit so I end up at an effing McD's.

Today, conference lunch was seriously a bunch of weird shit I wasn't about to attempt to eat so I had chicken and soup, that's it. It was annoying...along with this conference in general. I don't know why the fuck I'm even here. We don't even use the testing program its for! I don't really even get what they have been talking about for the past two days. Plus I just don't know much about testing nor do I care.

So today I try to drive the other direction, thinking I might find something besides McD's for tonight's dinner, but nope. Here I sit, in the fanciest goddamn McDonald's on the planet. Plus I paid $2.95 for 2 hours of internet. I don't know if this is a statewide Illinois thing or what, but it fucking sucks.



Oh and I had the worst wedding dream I've had so far but in an effort to forget it, I don't want to rehash it right now. I slept awful last night, waking every hour.

So here's a recap of the sucking of Oak Brook, IL for Ms. Emmalane:
1. No free internet (this has also made me want an iPhone even more)
2. No free gym.
3. Gross snooty food.
4. stupid conference.
5. way too squishy bed/pillows causing bad sleep.
6. State of IL being hour behind OH, its just annoying.
7. Nothing besides McD's or expensive restaurants around hotel.

I can't wait to go home.

Snap-Judgement.

Today stinks. The weather sucks. I'm sleepy. My poor Fiancé has this horrible sinus infection that's given him a horrible toothache. I have this ridiculously strong urge to leave work and go home and make him soup. I don't even think we have soup at home. Today should be cancelled and everyone in Ohio should go home and snuggle and be warm.

Alas, I'm at work...and since I have a valid reason (sick and pathedic man at home to care for) to leave, I'm sure I'll be busy today.

Boo April 7, 2009.

It's 2009: What are you doing with your life?

I submitted a rambling piece of writing to a blog http://portraitsofaneconomy.blogspot.com/ which is addressing how the current state of our economy (for lack of better words) sucking is effecting them. (side note: you should check it out, people from all over the country are writing in with all kinds of different stories...mine is the only Ohio one to date...and probably the one with the worst grammar) Ever since then, I've been thinking about my life as a whole and wondering how such an insanely interesting person as myself (ha) got stuck behind a desk, working 40 hours a week at a mostly boring, sometimes frustrating job.

What do I really want to do with my life? Or at least if I do end up working in higher education for the next 30 years (def not at the institution I'm at now...holy jesus, I'd lose my mind), can't at least have awesome hobbies to counteract my seemingly normal day job? Please??

Asking myself these questions makes me realize I'm a grown up now and I decide my hobbies and what I do with my time when I'm not working hard for the money.

I tend to dream more than I do...I want to do a yoga class at this studio that is literally 3 doors down from where I live, but I still haven't signed up. I would love to take an art or pottery class, even though I'm thoroughly un-artistic, but I love to learn an am willing to try. I need to get a kitty in my life before I end up thinking I want to have a baby some day and then having one and remembering all the reasons I have ALWAYS been against reproducing (mostly the whole being in charge of shaping a person's pysche freaks me out....along with my chubby and horrible eyesight genes cursing the poor thing with a childhood filled with hurtful words from little snot-nosed bastards...I've come a long way, but still carry those scars).

I consider myself assertive....but it seems like things that I want to do for myself always fall to the wayside but don't get the wrong idea thinking I'm some martyr. As soon as I get the least bit stressed due to trying to make everyone else happy, I crack and usually get mean and bitchy when I realize I'm unhappy.

I guess the bottom line here is I need to get a life. Sure I have friends, teeny-bopper book series (don't get my started on the Twilight series, I may never shut up) and my slowly growing addiction to cyber-space, but I think I need to start living my Ohio life a little bit more for me.

Happy Blog

Due my recent constant state of tenison, I've decided I need an attitude adjustment, or at least attempt one so I can say "at least I tried".

I am very thankful for the following:
1. I have a job that allows me to pay my bills, and isn't too horrible to do day-in and day-out.
2. I have a wonderful fiance who, after over three years together, still gives me butterflies.
3. I'm getting married. At one point in my life, I thought this would never happen.
4. Despite our few problems, my family is very supportive and pretty functional.
5. I have a handful of great friends.
6. Coffee. I can live without it, but I choose not to.
7. the TV show 'Friends' being on DVD. I think I would lose my mind without something to watch that isn't fuzzy since we don't have cable and after February 16 or whatever probably won't get many digital channels consistently since we have yet to find a digital antenna that actually works for us.

I am going to put a lot of effort into remembering these things on a daily basis. There are so many people in this country and others that are struggling in so many different ways. I need to be more thankful I have my teeny stressors instead of huge ones.

In totally unrelated news....Happy Birthday Lincoln, you rocked a beard like no other.

Post Snow-Day Blues

Yesterday was a fun day. Fiance was taking a day off anyways (his work ruled that instead of laying someone off, everyone has to take 5 unpaid vacation days in the next three months) so we got to hang out since I got a snow day. Getting up and having to go to work after such a fun day sucks. I'm a little bummed due to this. So, in effort to lift my spirits, I shall post photos of what could very well be my wedding dress:

It is a bit too small in these pictures, so you see things you shouldn't and won't if I decide on it, but everytime I look at the pictures it makes me want it a little bit more :)

Phew!!

I came through Christmas and New Years only gaining 6/10 of a pound. Woo! That was me attending two Christmas family functions, celebrating our engagement impromptu style the night of with friends, partying with friends, getting pretty intoxicated on New Years Eve and then celebrating our engagement with the family all while not journaling.

I don't think that's so bad. The one shitty part is, last year I DID keep track and lost about 2 pounds but oh well. It's behind me now and I'm all about doing things the right way. I am going to work out with my WW buddy right after work tonight and will be doing so every Tuesday and Thursday. We also plan on getting a treadmill, but it may have to wait a bit longer since the engagement guitar threw off our fiances for the month.

Stress level is subdued as I am trying to not freak out over things I normally would. I refuse to spend my life in a constant state of panic, and there isn't much I can do about the things I worry so much about anyways.

Wedding planning is coming along. We have an appointment Saturday afternoon at 1 for the venue. Hopefully our date is available. If not, we'll work something out.

Yay for life. Time to work.

Lifestyle change update: I've somehow lost 5.8 pounds in two weeks. I'm not entirely sure how I did this, besides the general lack of groceries we have due to the move draining our bank account and having to spend 5 hours at the old apartment on Sunday cleaning like Cinderella, minus the cutesy talking animals and perfect hair. Needless to say, I'm not going about this in the most conventional way, but I'm never too hungry and I don't have a gym membership anymore so I'll take whatever high intensity workout I can get.

Today I am unusually excited about absolutely nothing. (Besides the fact that I'm pretty sure bf went and got the ring yesterday....but I have nothing besides my own keen ability to notice and remember EVERYTHING to confirm this.)

I should be cranky for many reasons. Here, I'll make a list:
1. I'm freezing. My nose is numb, I have on a scarf, hat, short sleeved sweater turtleneck, cardigan and zip up fleece and I'm still cold because the heat is still broke at work.
2. We still don't know how we are going to buy presents for our families, or each other for that matter. If the deposit on the old place doesn't arrive in the mail on or before the 23rd, we'll be working on a $50 budget for both sets of parents, my bro and sis and his niece and three nephews. The joys of Christmas during a recession.
3. There is something wrong with my interweb browser at work. I use Mozilla, but IE keeps popping up with stupid ads. Plus its running slow.
4. I'm hungry but my lunch doesn't sound good at all.

However, for some reason, none of this is bothering me today. Yay.

Randomness: bf's heater has been barely working/not working at all for the past month. This one lady he works with (who he doesn't exactly like, she is sort of a moron and he refers to her as Crazy Lady) caught wind of the situation and forced him to take the car to a place they do ads for and is working out some sort of deal for them to fix it in exchange for ad space or something. Hurrah for random acts of kindness.

PS-I have this beautiful friend who just happens to be pregnant. She is awesome and radiates beauty not only on the outside, but also on the inside. Just thought I would share :)

Its November 14, 2008...what are you doing with your life?

Holy moley I am busy as crap right now. Lots of things going on all at once.

I had been calling about a ridiculously large, awesome priced apartment in town and finally got a call back from the guy. We went to look on Wednesday evening and I completely fell in love. It has two bedrooms, huge kitchen with a counter/bar area and dining area, big bathroom and the whole place is 1300 sq. ft if that gives you an idea of the size. The landlord told us its very quiet and extremely well insulated and the girl who is moving out heated the whole place every winter for four years with two ceramic heaters. We went ahead and filled out an application, and are waiting to hear back. I'll probably cry a little if for some reason it doesn't work out.

We also set up an appointment to look at this awesome completely renovated house that is for sale/possible lease with the option to buy, but it is way expensive and the guy didn't sound like he wants to lease at all (which is dumb since in the listing it says "call about possible lease option"). We are still going to go drool over it this evening.

I've been so busy at work this week. Its been a bit unreal but actually awesome. I wish I was that busy all the time.

The Master's Project needs to get finished ASAP, and I've been pushing to work on it a bit each day. I'm thinking about doing a long day in the labs tomorrow to try and punch out the rest of the data entry so I can actually start analyzing.

Boyfriend received a certain credit card in the mail last Friday for a certain jewelry store which I hope he uses soon :D

The more I think about wedding stuff, the more I want to streamline the whole thing and make it as simple as possible. Mostly because I feel a little sick to my stomach whenever I think about the nitty gritty detailing of most weddings. And I know this isn't going to go over well, but the more I think about it, the more I don't want a huge bridal party. I really just want MOH and sister and him to just do BM and one groomsmen but I doubt that will work since he has two brothers and wouldn't want to have to pick between them...UNLESS....my sister can be escorted by both his brothers and then just his BM! That just might work. I don't think he cares that much, but I guess we'll see.

argh...I've had shitty girl cramps for about 4 days off and on this week. Its a bit annoying. Ah well, life goes on.

I have too much time on my hands.

Today at work I have:
-found every house in town in (what I think is) our price range for buying and made a tidy list including address, price and number of bedrooms/bathrooms.
-found (the more realistic option) a spacious 2 bedroom apartment closer to downtown for not much more than we are paying now. I'm going to call the guy tonight for serious, and ask him one determining question: does it have a bathtub?
-found two realistic locations for our wedding. No, we still aren't officially engaged, but we might as well be. I felt weird researching things at first, since there is no ring on my finger, but it is only a matter of time (and money) until it is and I don't want to spend ions of time planning, so I might as well know what I want early.
-updated my offbeat bride tribe profile.
-checked MySpace a zillion times.
-visited Facebook a few times as well.
- I have NOT however, done much significant work. Not that I am complaining...I'm just worried one of these days they are going to bust me doing very little and realize they are paying all this money for me to organize my life on their time.

Oh well. I'm thinking over time, things may get busier, but who knows.