FourEyes.

I've worn glasses since the wee age of 6. My amazing first grade teacher (Mrs. Luksic, I still see her at mass when I make it down to go with my parents) was the one who suggested it to my parents. She noticed I was always active in answering questions during class and acknowledged that I was bright, but my handwriting was awful and I did poorly on handwritten tests. After my very first trip to the eye doctor, it was confirmed: my eyesight was awful. Astigmatism in the right eye to boot. Thanks a million to awesome early childhood educators! I probably would have been held back if I had had a less attentive teacher.

Fast forward to yesterday, I'm 26 and in for a yearly checkup/follow up on an ocular migraine I had in my left eye two weeks ago. (Side note, if you've never had one of these, here is what it was like for me: wavy vision that doesn't go away when you close your eye and mine lasted about 15 minutes then went away. Don't google wavy vision in eyes, results all say Stroke and that is scary business. The doctor says if it lasts longer than 30 minutes, seek medical attention.)

I do the standard eye tests, puff of air to the eye, press this button when you see the lines, "which is better? 1 or 2? Blah blah blah". Then I'm doing the whole "look at my ear while I point this annoyingly bright light in your eye ball" thing where they make you look around in a circle to examine the innards of your eye. Pretty standard stuff. But then he is looking for a really long time, way longer than the norm for me. My eye begins to water for the first time, and it actually hurts a bit too. Something isn't right.

He looks again, and then decides he want to dilate my eyes, to get a better look, then he looks again and then he says he wants me to see a specialist in the near future. He seems a bit nervous. Then he looks one more time (my eye is screaming at me by this time, and it actually hurts quite a lot) and says, he wants me to go today. That's when I start to freak out a bit, on the inside.

He tried to explain what might be happening with my retina, but he had already dilated my eyes and I don't really get it. All I know is I might need emergency surgery. On my eyeball. Fantastic.

So I scoot on over (in the pouring rain, mind you, I think Ohio is trying to be Seattle recently, for some unknown reason) to the specialist, and took a seat in what appears to be Heaven's Waiting Room. No one in there was under age 65. I can do nothing besides people watch through blurry vision, since I'm dilated. Let me tell you, old people are not very entertaining for people watching. I overhear the place is running behind, due to an earlier in the day emergency. I wait what feels like an eternity, literally just sitting there, doing nothing besides thinking about the possibility of having to have eye surgery. I almost go to the restroom to cry a couple times, but I would hate to occupy the one unisex bathroom in the waiting area, with all these old bladders surrounding me. I kept it together, somehow.

An hour and a half later, I'm called back. The medical assistant congratulates me when I can read the second to last line during the vision check, "You are the first patient I've had all day who could do that." Just remember my waiting room buddies though. I'm re-dilated and they put those weird, numbs-your-eyeballs drops in as well. I get really sleepy then, so I sort of wander around the exam room waiting for the doctor, who I'm told is the on-call guy, since the lady my Optometrist referred me to is the lady that is an hour behind. Whatevs, I'm not going to make a big stink about who I see, since I didn't have an appointment.

Once the doctor comes in its more of the "look at my ear while I point this annoyingly bright light in your eye ball" happens, and all I can think is, how does all this bright light an inch from my eye not do any damage? I should ask that sometime I'm not waiting for a possible surgery diagnosis. At this point, I've probably had a total of at least 30 minutes of bright light in my eye for the day. I am Le Tired, but need to know what the fuck is going on in there.

(And it only gets worse, in the bright light department. After my diagnosis, the doctor tells me he wants to take pictures of my eyes. Ever had this done? Talk about torture. Plus I'm pretty sure I had a lady who had never done it before. It felt like it took 25 minutes, on each eye. Then you are blinded for at least 10 minutes after your are done. I didn't complain, because I am not that sort of patient, but it sucked big time.)

I'm told I have retinal stasis (which I've tried googling multiple times and I think I've got the spelling totally wrong because I can't find it) meaning 5 of the 10 layers of my retina have detached. No clue why, and no indication that the remaining 5 layers are going anywhere. I'm told not to worry about this. I did make the doctor tell me the symptoms of retinal detachment, so at least I'll know what is going on if it ever happens. He also tells me I have calcium deposits around my optic nerves, in both eyes. Yay.

But I don't need emergency eyeball surgery. Thank goodness for that.

Ophthalmologist appointment has been made.

Conclusion: my eyes are moderately jacked.

And: I can remain semi-calm during what could be a medical emergency, at least when I'm surrounded by a waiting room full of old people. I think that's a win for me.

Back on the wagon.

The weight loss wagon, that is.

Heeeeeeeey!! You go girl! (Don't worry, I'm definitely not Sweatin' to the Oldies or anything of the Simmon's nature)

This week I began working out again. My quads are still screaming at me and my abs, and my arms...pretty much my entire body from the neck down is pissed off. Just a bit over 2 months of not exercising will do that to me. I'm happy to be back at it, even if things are ridiculously sore. I'm already feeling better about myself between thoughts of how to convince my husband to install a soaking bathtub with jets into our apartment. That we rent.

I am still a bit in shock of just how sore practically every major muscle of my bod is....back in August, I was kicking this workout's ass 6 days a week and now, it has me walking like I'm 85. No joke.

Now if I could get my employer to turn on the godforsaken furnace things would really be looking up. Until then, I'll sit layered and huddled near my tiny heater for warmth.

One Day at a Time.

I've been in a serious rut of self-loathing and overall bad-moods lately. I'm hoping the changes I've been striving to make in my day to day living will help with this. The biggest being working in more physical activity. Saturday and Sunday both included walks to the library and tonight I'm planning on a stroll around town, scoping out homes for sale (even though we are in no position to buy right now, but hey I can still look) and enjoying the fall leaves. I'm taking a daily women's mulitvitamin along with a daily allergy medicine. Once we have money again (Friday) we'll be overhauling how we eat. I know with the right steps I can combat things on my own.

I'm very wary of going to the doctor about things. First, I don't even like my primary care doctor's office these days nor do I have a specific doctor I see or who even recognizes me anymore. The office that was once a small practice has been industrialized into an incorporated (probably hospital owned) business that isn't comfortable anymore to me. Second, I don't want to be medicated. I have talked to a handful of my friends about depression/anxiety meds and all of them say although they felt overall less depressed or anxious they didn't feel like themselves and their sex life beame pretty much non-existent while on things. That's not going to work for me, so I'll press on, taking things one day at a time (or at least trying to).

No words.

I have began and quit writing this post two times already today. I'm having issues figuring out what I'm feeling, because I'm feeling many things at once.

I'm angsty. I'm facing the fact that I loathe my job and since I've been at it for over one year, I'm comfortable with the idea of looking for something else. Too bad the economy sucks right now. And I'm way overpaid for what I do. And anything I might like to do probably won't pay nearly as well. And I'm the breadwinner.

I'm sad I don't know why. Perhaps its the being 25 and not having a clue where I want to be thing, besides not where I am (career wise). Or because I feel like crap about myself since we got back from the honeymoon and my eating habits have been awful and I haven't been exercising like I should.

Add in the fact that I have been smoke free since Sunday (trying to not dwell on this....I want to make it stick for once) and I'm a big ball of craptastic ick today.

I need to focus on one thing at a time, but I feel like I can't do that right now. I just keep jumping from one thing to another worrying about one a bit, then moving on to the next, not really accomplishing anything.

The answers are easy:
1. Finish Master's, take on teaching part time to supplement income/provide a buffer for crappy job while looking for something better. Then continue teaching if I find something that pays a bit less and deal.
2. Meditate and Freaking. Exercise. (this is gigantically easier said than done for me right now)
3. Use will power while around friends who are smokers for a few weeks and I should be in the clear. Drinking will be the ultimate test.

It all sounds so easy but it all seems so overwhelming to me right now. Blarg.

ToDo Tuesday.

From last week:
-Go buy myself something to wear for my Shower coming up at the end of the month.
-Get MOH the few addresses I forgot to include as shower invite people...oops!
-Possibly schedule hair appointment, IF the money is there for such a thing right now. No money for this right now.
-Enjoy my new tattoo :)

For this week:
1. Take care of myself better. I haven't been feeling all that great lately. Not exactly sure why, but need to do better with taking care of myself.
2. Try and enjoy the craziness that has taken over my weekends lately. Soooo busy but so thankful for all the good things the busy stuff entails.
3. Figure out how we are going to print the wedding invites.

Later I'll post some awesome awkwardness to help keep Tabatha's Totally Awkward Tuesdays alive :)

Fail.

So last night I weighed in for the first time in a month due to various reasons. I was out of town for work, and then we were too poor for me to go and then last week I didn't want to face the scale so I used a pass.

I gained 3.4 pounds in a month.

Now, to most people this isn't anything, but to me, this is an epic fail. It could take me another month to month and half to lose this again and the worst part is I've been doing the gym thing 3 to 4 days a week for the past three weeks. So I can pretend this is part of the gain; I'm toning muscles I haven't used in well over a year causing my mass to increase but I also have been half-assing my tracking of food intake and not making good choices w/what I've been eating.

I'm not striving for perfection in my weight loss and I'm NOT doing this because of the wedding...but it would be great to feel confident about my arms the day of and also comfortable in swim suits on the honeymoon.

I know I can do this...but damn it sucks to gain when I've been sweating balls at the gym for the past 3 weeks!

Determined.

To get back on the right track, you have to get out of the old rut.

I am climbing out of the rut, so to speak. I will do this. I will feel good about myself and my body and I WILL start moving more every day.

There, I blogged it, so it must come true...right?

Sometimes I think the hardest part of this whole weight loss thing for me is, I haven't been a thin person since I was about 6 years old. I have no recent memories of being in good shape, besides when I was this time last year which was when I hit a plateau and stopped losing. I was working out 4 to 5 times a week then, and I'm not working out at all these days, so I'm hoping that will boost things.

It is just very hard to do the whole visualization thing when I don't really know what I am going to look like. I don't have a "skinny picture" to use as motivation. Plus I'm afraid if I try and do this, I'm going to visualize myself too thin and never reach that mental image.

All I really want is to be happy in a swim suit....and I'm not talking a bikini or anything...I doubt I could achieve that type of body without a trainer and working out 3 hours a day. I'm not striving for perfection here...just comfortable in my own skin. Which I can do.

Goals for Today

I haven't exactly been doing so well on the healthy lifestyle front lately. I gained 2.4 pounds since March 11th. Now I know this doesn't sound like much, but in the world where I strive to lose at least a pound a week, this is a minor set back. I'm getting back on track starting today.

short term goals:
Walk, bike or do any other moderate to high intensity activity at least 5 days a week.
Write down everything that goes in my mouth.
Buy more fresh produce and lean protein than processed low fat snacks. I'm really bad about snacking. I'll snack on low-fat things, but when its all processed crap, its really not that much better for ya.
Use my free weights at least 4 times a week.

long term goals:
Be happy in swim suit.
Stick with short term goals for at least 3 weeks in effort to make them habits.
Completely quit smoking, including social smoking while drinking.

There is a yoga session coming up at the studio right by my place in town...I'm going to call them and see if there is still room in it.

hmmmph.

I feel like poo. Went to the doctor and peed in a cup for them to diagnose what I thought would be a UTI, but Doc comes back in and tells me it actually came back negative and as she is walking out of the door again tells me we'll treat it as a UTI and go from there...I stop her by saying, well what else could it be? She says, well, the test could be wrong and you really do have one, or we'll just wait and see. From the lady who's vag doesn't have a nagging burning sensation for the past week: we'll just wait and see. Fuck you lady. If it isn't better by Thursday, I'm calling my gyno and telling them the story and trying to get in ASAP.

I also haven't been sleeping well. I don't know if this is related at all, but it definitely doesn't help anything. I almost called off work today just because I want to sleep all day. Plus, my boss man is out all week and the few things I have to do this week could be completed in about 2 hours. I love my job, but when sicky, I'd rather be in bed.

I had a horrid wedding nightmare over the weekend. In it, Fiance's family told us we should have the wedding now, while we were at some random house for a weekend. I ended up in my sister's wedding dress, which was too big, doing my own hair and makeup (which for me, would be horrible, since I'm not great at those things), my parents couldn't make it because my dad fell down and got a concussion (?) and the kicker: When I demand to see Fiance before the alleged ceremony, because I wanted to tell him I don't want to do the wedding today, he has shaved his head, all facial hair (he usually rocks the goatee and a beard in the winter) and got his septum pierced. I begin crying at this point and then wake up, realizing it was nothing but a really bad dream. All the things sound really trival, but the feeling of no one listening to me/caring what I thought was the worst part of it. I haven't been thinking about the wedding much at all lately...so I guess this was my subconscious telling me I need to plan more?

I feel I have bitched and moaned enough for today....

Soup but no Spoon.

I have a cold/sinus/allergy thing going on. I have little to no appetite so I brought soup to eat for lunch. I don't have a freaking spoon though. That pretty much sums up my day.

I have been trying to be in a not crap mood, but I don't feel good. Originally, I was going to get license plates for my car and to the bank on my lunch break, then I remembered its Tuesday and that I had to go talk to the florist. It went well, and compared to "the standard" the price isn't horrid, but compared to our budget, it is a lot of money. I thought we may be able to make it work.

Then I made the mistake of calling Fiance and telling him. Lately I've been worried about money a lot, so when I told him how much the flowers would be, he got pissy saying things like you can't worry about money so much and then want to spend that on flowers. He doesn't get how it could still work, or how compared to an "average" wedding, this is nothing all he sees is things with the word "wedding" attached to it makes them ridiculously overpriced and it pisses him off. He sort of yelled at me, which prompted me to say,
"I don't know what I was thinking, I shouldn't have even called you about this, I'll just call my sister..." which in turn made him realize he was being mean.
I wanted to cry, since I feel like crap and now he's yelling at me and telling me "its not that hard, why don't you just buy real flowers and make them the day of" I told him that really isn't an option since I don't want to worry about it the day of the wedding, plus I'm hopelessly un-crafty so unless he wants to do it, I'll just do fake flowers and make them well in advance with the help of my sister, MOH and BM.
Real flowers are dumb anyway, they die and I'm slightly allergic to them. Maybe I'll even do something fun with feathers...who knows.

We registered Saturday night. That was fun. Oh and my dress is ordered and paid for in full. Woo for that...and I paid a large chunk of my ring off yesterday. Sucks because it was using our tax refunds, but whatever.

I hope the rest of today goes quickly. Now I'm going to try and eat my soup with a fork :/

Yay.

So I have gained 7.4 pounds since mid July. Not as much as I expected so that is great. Although I was not treated like a new member since my file was still on site and I didn't have to fill out paper work again, I am acting like I am starting from scratch so my first major goal is 10% of my (new) starting weight. I now know this plan is something I am going to have to follow for the rest of my life and I am perfectly okay with this fact. I need the structure in order to keep on track. I have a refreshing sense of calm about things as well. If I can't control x, y and z that is going on in my life right now, at least I can control what is going into my mouth once again.

Plus, I have this pesky habit of putting other people's needs before my own and I need to do this for me, not only for my physical health, but for my mental health as well.