Note to self.

Remember this.

The feeling.

The absolutely ecstatic rush of finally getting something you've wanted very badly for a very long time.

I've been offered a fantastic new job. And I've accepted it. And tomorrow when my boss (hopefully) isn't out sick anymore I will be handing in my letter of resignation.

I haven't felt this excited/scared/happy/anxious in a really long time.

Yay.

Me.

I never feel put together anymore, but most days I just don't care. I don't know if I ever was "put together" in the first place. My wardrobe has shrunk dramatically, but somehow I have a closet full of clothes, yet never anything to wear. I make it to work most days fully clothed and slightly accessorized (usually with a scarf no matter the season). That's an accomplishment lately.

I need a hair cut and an eyebrow wax in a most serious way. The at-home dye job I (actually, my husband) did has grown out approximately 3 inches. 75% of the time, the hair is in a knot on top of my head. Even though I don't especially like how I look with it up. It gets in the way when its down.

Besides these cosmetic flaws and fallen to the wayside-used-to-be-routine-priorities, I try to appreciate the hair on my head. The clothes on my back. The air in my lungs.

I have never been a totally put together person, but it seems like I am still waiting to wake up one day and feel that way. I can't figure out why. Blame Society? Growing up idolizing all the pretty ladies on the covers of fashion magazines?

I'm flaky, flighty and on a good day, quirky with a game plan. Clumsy, awkward and just plain nervous all the time on a ordinary day, and let's not talk about the bad days.

I wish I could get to a point in life where I stop thinking about how disappointed I am with myself. I know I am my own worst critic.

Not thin enough.
Pretty enough.
Put-together enough.
Happy enough.

Enough is enough.

This is me.

In crappy old BlackBerry Camera Phone Glory:

Logic vs. Intuition.

Logically, my college educated, sociology laden brain is screaming, "NOOOOOOO! Baby is not the best choice!" But then there are millions of years of evolution inside me, quietly nudging, "BAAAAAAABBBBBBBEEEEEEEE, makeabaaaaaaabbbbbeeeeeee".

And it is slowly driving me nuts, the push and pull of it all.

So, since I love a good list, a made a pros and cons list for (possible) procreation. In no apparent order:

Pros:
-Will shut up biological clock
-Tiny clothes, shoes and hats w/ears
-Someone to take care of me when I'm old
-cousin for Baby M. (my niece)
-Sibling for Kiddo and Little One
-Having a mini-me (or mini husband in the case of a boy) would be cool
-Getting to parent the way I want, not tip toe around the hard stuff like I do w/the girls because I never want them to say in anger, "you're not my mother!" I already know that.
-Never a boring moment
-hugs and cuddles
-finger painting possibilities
-Being told "you two would make such cute babies!" makes me curious...
-Giving my husband the chance to do the baby thing, one last time when he will be there for all the milestones he missed out on with the girls

Cons:
-Body never the same
-Mass amounts of laundry
-Taking care of for 18+ years
-Another person to bathe, clothe, feed etc...
-Taking Dad time away from Kiddo and Little One
-Babies turn into kids who turn into teenagers (who, in general, are annoying at best)
-College $
-childcare costs (I doubt we could afford me to do the SAHM thing, sadly and that opens up a whole other issue with me: why have kids if I'm going to pay someone else to basically raise them?)
-doctor's visits
-sticky hands/faces
-Lack of sleep
-loss of identity

This is where I stand on the topic. 12 cons versus 12 pros. Completely torn.



***

My husband and I were watching a TV show last night and one of the characters was getting a vasectomy. He mentioned, "If you are 100% sure you don't want kids we should look into that for me". I all could say was I don't know. Twice. And that is a lot different than how I used to respond to such a discussion. I should have laid it all out for him right then and there, but I clammed up. I'm not so good at eating my words, and after years and years of claiming, "I like babies, as long as they are other people's" I am partially hung up on having to do just that.

I know there is not perfect time to have a baby, but at this juncture of our lives, I couldn't feel it is more wrong: we live in a two bedroom apartment we are quickly outgrowing (w/o another human being taking up residence) and I am on the verge of enrolling in a graduate program where I work while my husband is switching jobs, again (that is a long story, ending with panic attacks and his hair falling out). We don't even have a washer and dryer, we are kicking it at the laundromat once a week.

I just wish the nagging feeling that something is missing would go away, but I am seriously starting to doubt if it will on its own.

'Tis the Season.

Back in November I set up some guidelines for Holiday season sanity, to refresh:


-No crying (at least not of the sad, we-have-no-money kind, tears of joy are allowed.)
-No stressing (aka no skipping the gym for this girl.)
-No present buying for anyone but the 'rents and the kids. Period. (I have a problem with gift giving...I enjoy it way too much.)

I can't say I haven't cried since this was posted, but I can say the times its happened has been because of my job/my own personal crap....so I guess that's a half-hearted success?

I may have given up on going to the gym where I work every night but I've been on the treadmill in our living room at least 3 times a week (and that will change to at least 5 times a week since I'm off work starting Monday til January 3rd...not my choice, but my employer's who is hemorrhaging money and cutting our budget with furlough) and I can tell it is keeping me balanced. Who knows, maybe I'll start 2011 5 pounds lighter....but I won't know, since we don't own a scale (because I would obsess every fluctuation) so I'll just have to pay attention to the way my pants fit. Which I already do that pretty obsessively anyways. Good times.

We definitely have only shopped for the kids and the parents. So good job us. Even if I am being a baby and am secretly really sad for no presents from the husband. They are always my favorite at Christmas time....but we have so many Christmas futures, and when I think about it that way, it is not a big deal. Just the fact that we get to spend so much time together this year is pretty awesome. And it probably won't happen again for a long time so I'll enjoy it while I can.

The husband is on his 3rd interview for one job, and is waiting on a call back for a teaching position he open interviewed for last night AND a friend of ours just emailed him about a possible opening at his work. There is a good chance he will have something by January, which would be a great way to start 2011.

Now, if the insane baby dreams would stop, I could have a freakin' Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year ('s Eve Party....New Year's Eve is my FAVORITE.)

Til Next time.

Facebook.

Facebook is the devil. I've been saying this for some time now, but recently it has really hit home. Why you ask? I'll tell you in this handy list:

-I know way too much about people I haven't seen in person in over 5 years. So and so got a new car? Awesome. Whatshisname just got hitched? Cool! (Actually, I don't give a shit.)
-Just when you think TMI has reached its highest level, someone else shares something no one needs to know.
-I've gotten more "wow I haven't seen you since high school, you look great!" than one person needs in a lifetime. Thank you, Random Person From High School, for reminding me of my awkward youth. Congrats on birthing multiple children, working at the same job you had back in the day and still living in our hometown. Keep on living the dream!
-People from college "who love their life and are SO blessed and lucky and about to go on their 15th vacation of the year and then create an album called Sweet Summertime with 150 pictures of them and their girls in bars and in bikinis blah blah blah" are driving my slowly insane. I'm all about being thankful, but can we say narcissistic? And seriously, where the hell are these people getting their money from?? Is there some secret underground money laundering going on that I am missing out on?

Why don't I leave the Facebook, you say? It's not that easy. I've contemplated this long and hard, and you can't just walk away from it. People will talk. Statuses will go un-updated. Birthday wishes will not be given! Invites will not be rsvp-ed to! No, when it all boils down, I'm a bit narcissistic myself, which is why I ended up with all these Random People From High School as "friends" online. I wanted to toot my own horn so to speak. Awkward youth be damned! I'm all grown up with a job and a hubby!

Is that so wrong? (yeah I know, I'm no better than Whasthername and her Summertime album...)

Lack of Words.

I don't have many words lately. Shocking I know.

I feel like I babble on and on too often about where I am going, and what's wrong and blah blah blah and I needed a break from all that self-reflection; some time to just be. It is not an easy task for someone who is constantly doing something, even if the something is worrying about x, y and z.

It seems to be working for the most part. I've been walking in the evenings after work, so I have someplace to go, something to be doing, something productive. I made it out 5 out of 7 days last week and I'm shooting for 6 this week.

Our one year wedding anniversary is coming up at the end of the month. I am hoping we can keep up good spending habits until then to go to a nice dinner at a local seafood place to honor our Florida honeymoon we took last year. Originally we had planned on going back for that week, but life happened and now we are going in February. I'm excited we'll be getting away from cold Ohio for a week, even if its still approximately 200 days away. Time seems to slip away much faster with each passing year of my life, so 200 days doesn't seem like such a long time anymore.

I feel like I almost have my head on straight again for the first time in a while and it is nice.

Words on Weddings.

Tomorrow is the opening day for my 2010 Wedding Season. It will be the first wedding I"ve attended since we got hitched back in August. Before I was married (and actually before I even met my husband) I discovered weddings make me cry. At least, when I know the people well, which is the case of EVERY wedding I have this year. I really hope I can keep my shit together at Bff's wedding in May, since you know, I'm the Matron (uggggghhhh I really don't like that word) of Honor and blubbering like a baby as the vows are being said would probably be mortifying. I'm thinking some respectful, joyous tears would be perfect, but we'll see how that goes.

I didn't cry nearly as much as anticipated at my own wedding. My eyes were dry as a bone when my husband and I did our pre-ceremony pictures (whereas he was quite surprisingly weeping...it was so endearing), I had one moment walking down the aisle, and a bit of a moment during my vows, but nothing major. I save those for other people's weddings I guess. Oh and once we were in Florida, the night after the wedding and I got on Facebook (we are nerds and don't leave home without our MacBook) and forgot I had changed my name on their the night of the wedding, I burst into tears, happy-yet-sad, exhausted tears.

Now, to make the husband dance with me or not tomorrow...that is the question :)

Ghosts.

I've only had one real heartbreak in my life. Then I dated a bunch of losers for short time spans, then I quit dating all together, then I met my husband. It's pretty cut and dry when it comes to my relationship past.

I always take pride in how relatively good our relationship has been and continues to be. No, it isn't perfect, but we really try to keep it on the good side of things. We haven't had a huge fight since we got married and to date we've only had a handful of serious arguments. We get along well.

Since things have been serious, I have had the same quasi-reoccurring dream. It is never the exact same situation, it usually varies as to what is going on with our lives at that given time, but it always ends with Husband telling me he's not happy and this is not working and he's leaving. It is always completely from left field and there is no discussion about things. Sometimes I realize it's a dream and sometimes I don't. Either way, it always leaves me with a very bad taste in my mouth when I wake up.

This is exactly how my one heartbreak went, many years ago, when I was a mere 19 years old. It sucked, but I recovered. I never really thought it scarred me all that much because with time I gained wisdom and often joke about how I don't even know what I was thinking dating him in the first place, let alone getting so in over my head about him. I guess I should give the break up more credit, since it's still haunting me, periodocially through really vivid, awful my-husband-is-leaving-me-for-no-reason dreams.

I had a very, very busy weekend, with my bff's Bridal Shower on Saturday and my sister's Baby Shower on Sunday. I found out this morning I slept walked last night, which I've only done once or twice in my whole life, I was very tired to say the least. When I woke up, I decided it was a good idea to sleep a bit longer and come into work around 10 or 11. It's Spring Break and my head boss is out for the week, so not a big deal. Husband left about 8:30, coming in and saying goodbye with a kiss and then I snuggled up with the kitty and went back to sleep.

When I woke up at 9, I was crying hysterically and truly thought my husband had moved out, since you know, he wasn't in bed with me which he usually is when I go to work on time, which I had completely forgotten I called in late to work. It was awful. The dream was so vivid, and it took place in our apartment, with him talking about things that have been going on in our lives as the reasons he had already found an apartment to rent in the town where he works and his parents and sister were there to help him move....it was bad.

Now I can't get it out of my head...thus the annoying re-telling that just occurred. My silver lining is I got to listen to the BBC Newshour on NPR on the way into work....oh and its really quiet around here as well.

Married life.

Growing up in the good Catholic family that was mine, my parents stayed together (although there were many times I feared they'd divorce, due to Dad liking the sauce a bit too much, but that's a whole other fish to fry). This created a vision of "married" in my little developing psyche that my grown up marriage doesn't coincide with at all.

A bit of history:

My parents had already been married 12 years when I was born and were 35 with a 10 year old and a 3 year old. They were tired. Dad worked long hours and Mom bounced from part-time jobs that included Midnights and weekends for years. They did what was expected. They got married (at an older than average age for their time period: married in 1972 when they were both 24) and started a family. Somehow they raised us right and there were no babies out of wedlock or major let downs: both my sister and I graduated college and my brother is a Sergeant in the U.S. Army.

Fast forward to now. Married for five and a half months. I don't want children and we have Husbands 7 year old (and estranged 3 1/2 year old) to make up a very different kind of family. I still don't feel how kid version of myself imagined things would feel, mostly because I don't think you can fathom what adulthood feels like in general. More so, because I'm living a different experience than I watched as a youngster.

We have good days and bad days, like any couple. To this day, whenever we have a disagreement/argument (whatever you want to call it), it is the only emotional situation where I feel like I could hurl (everything else almost always triggers emo-eating). When things are bad, it only makes me want to fix things, learn from it and move on. When things are good, they are really good, like, I almost want to slap myself because I wonder how I lucked out and found someone so made for me. It's slightly nauseating.

Step-parenting, at its worst, feels like attempting to walk on egg shells that have been strewn across a semi-frozen lake (to me at least) but most of the time it isn't like that. Most of the time its nice to be important to someone other than Husband on a regular basis and to take pride in her accomplishments. She is a great kid, and that makes things so easy. Whenever Little One comes back into the picture, who knows how things will ensue.

I still don't know about babies. I love them, and my sister is having one in May which I couldn't be more excited for, but I just don't know if I want to share my husband any more than I already do. Call me selfish and weird, but its the damn truth. Plus the whole shaping of an individual's psyche freaks me out. Add in the expectation of child-rearing once married (why? we aren't farmers and over-population is sort of a problem these days) and I just don't feel the need to procreate.

I never had a relationship that lasted more than 6 months before I met my husband. I feel like I could spend the rest of our lives enjoying that (along with our kitty and maybe a dog, if we ever get a house) and investing our time and energy in each other, and his kids he already has.

I know, I know, I can hear you saying, "you will just wake up one day and want a baby of your own" and maybe I will, but for now, I'm going to spoil my niece that is coming in May, focus on my marriage and help raise my step-kids, and I'm perfectly okay with that.

Eight.

That is how many pounds I've gained since September. I know this only because I had an ear infection right around my birthday in September and went into the doctor for good old antibiotics. Once again, my ear is infected, so I made the 45 minute journey (I REALLY need to find a closer doc) on Friday to come face to face with the scale. Two months= 8 pounds heavier.

Some would suggest I should get a scale to have in my home so I could keep better tabs on things. If I wasn't obsessive about my weight- without a scale in my house- I totally would, but I don't think having 24/7 access to my body weight would help anything. It would most likely make things worse.

Two months of eating my emotions. Two months of "I'll start working out tomorrow" and "no more fast food after today" and a million other broken promises to myself.

I don't think there is anything harder for me than to NOT obsess over my weight. The one time I stopped thinking about it so much, when Husband and I got into that comfortable stage of dating about 3 years ago, I gained nearly 40 pounds. Then lost it, then gained some back, then lost a bit, now gaining again. It's absolutely exhausting.

I know he loves me for me, and he loved me 4o pounds heavier, but that can't convince me he doesn't think I look fat with barely anything on. Especially knowing what his past girlfriends look like, knowing they were much skinnier than me.

I feel anxious when I feel fat. I feel like I did as a kid who was overweight with frizzy hair and glasses.

My sister is pregnant, which I'm ecstatic about, but I am genuinely jealous that she's lost 13 pounds since conception due to constant nausea.

I'm working out again...using the video I used all summer before the wedding. I like it, and it definitely gave me results then, but the biggest thing that needs to change is my eating habits. I'm finding it very hard to eat healthy due to the cost of healthy foods more than anything. It's so unfair to have to choose between healthy food and budget friendly food.

Blah blah

So I haven't had many nice things to say lately...therefore (according to the golden rule) and have been choosing to say nothing at all.

I'm frustrated once again about things in life to the point of it putting me in a not so happy place. And my inability (aka laziness/apathy) to change some really bad habits I've fallen back into. And this stupid earache I have will not go away. And I could go on, but I won't, to avoid bumming out who ever actually reads this thing.

Hopefully tomorrow I will awake with a renewed sense of determination. Or at least something to help me not be so pissy all the damn time.

Complicated.

Come up to meet you,
Tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, Tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions,
Aww let's go back to the start
Runnin' in circles, Comin' our tails,
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Aww take me back to the start

I was just guessin',
At numbers and figures,
Pullin' the puzzles apart
Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me,
Come back to haunt me,
Oh when I rush to the start
Runnin' in circles,
Chasin' our tails,
Comin' back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Aww It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm goin' back to the start

Heavy Stuff.

Hi, my name is ________ and my father is an Alcoholic.

Growing up we had a lot of communication issues and looking back, it was mostly because he was always loaded between the hours of approx. 3pm and bedtime (which for him, was about 9 or 10pm). Don't get me wrong, my dad worked his ass off for my family...working crazy amounts of overtime while I was little to make ends meet. Neither of my parents went to college, and I have an older sister and brother. We were probably teetering on the edge between working and lower middle class growing up.
The majority of time I spent with him on weekends involved getting Shirley Temple's and playing the jukeboxes at the VFW and Legion Hall....I loved it then, and never thought twice about how taking your 10 year old daughter to a bar wasn't exactly appropriate.

He was never physically abusive, but there are a few select incidents that were pretty emotionally and psychologically trying. One of which took place when I was in high school. It was a screaming argument that ended with me locking myself in the bathroom because I was afraid he was going to hit me, and then I told him so through the bathroom door, which made him even more angry, that would I think such a thing.

As an adult, things really cemented themselves around Christmas of 2006. My brother was home from leave from Iraq (he's in the Army Reserve) and my dad began drinking around 8am the day brother was set to head back to his post before going back overseas. I was headed to my hometown to meet them, my dad, mom, sister and brother at the Moose Lodge (another "club" type bar Dad has added to his daily routine of drinking places) around lunchtime. Well, I get almost there, when my sister calls and says they called an Ambulance, because they thought my dad was having a stroke. He couldn't talk and wasn't coherent. By the time I was right near my parents house, my sister calls again and says they are headed home, he came to as they were trying to put him in the ambulance and was very angry and confused. So I meet them at the house, and they pull in, and I have to help my father into the house because he is completely blitzed, the drunkest I've ever seen him and he is yelling about my mom overreacting.

My mother is just about hysterical, crying out of anger, fear and frustration. The woman has dealt with this for almost 35 years at this point, and she tells us about how her father was the same way and she's done with dealing with Dad and it was a whole gnarly wad of awkwardness...since we're very uncomfortable with dealing with stuff like this in my family.

That was the day it all clicked for me. All the miscommunication as a child, and the repeating of myself because he wouldn't remember things the next day, because I told him the night before when he was drunk.

Now in the past few years since this incident, my dad has been diagnosed with Angina. Right now, he is on blood thinners and all kinds of meds to regulate his heartbeat, because its beating is irregular. My mom said the bottom part of his heart is right on but the top part isn't in sync.

Has he stopped drinking while on all this medicine? Of course not.

He had a procedure this morning, which was supposed to fix things, and it didn't work. Plus they told my mom it took a lot more than it should have to put him under. I don't know much about anesthesia, but I'm guessing since he is always drunk, it takes a lot more to make him pass out?

The man is seriously going to drink himself to death.

I'm sorry this post is such a bummer. I just can't quite get this out of my head today.

Denial?

I love babies. Other people's babies, that is.

Chloe Ann: most laid back baby ever.

This brings me around to the topic I've visited before: not wanting my own little bundle of joy. I love cuddling them, dressing them and playing with them...I don't even mind feeding them, but then I give them back to their parents to do the dirty work and the actual parenting. I don't know if I would ever consciously choose to create something I would be responsible for rearing. I don't think I'm that selfless; I don't think I would be very good nor would I enjoy it as much as some people do.

This is why I've always taken great precaution to keep accidents from happening, and will continue to do so. Five years ago, it would have been pretty much the worst thing I could have imagined. Now, it is almost as if I wouldn't know what I would do until I was actually in the situation. I'm about to get married and I'll be 25 this September. Some people would even go as far as to call me an adult, even though most of the time, I don't feel like one.

I sort of hope to have this figured out in the next three years or so, because although I'm not sure if I'm up for having kids or not, I do know if I want to have them, it has to be in the next few years. I don't want to have a relationship like my mom and I did....not really liking each other until I moved out.

hmmmph.

I feel like poo. Went to the doctor and peed in a cup for them to diagnose what I thought would be a UTI, but Doc comes back in and tells me it actually came back negative and as she is walking out of the door again tells me we'll treat it as a UTI and go from there...I stop her by saying, well what else could it be? She says, well, the test could be wrong and you really do have one, or we'll just wait and see. From the lady who's vag doesn't have a nagging burning sensation for the past week: we'll just wait and see. Fuck you lady. If it isn't better by Thursday, I'm calling my gyno and telling them the story and trying to get in ASAP.

I also haven't been sleeping well. I don't know if this is related at all, but it definitely doesn't help anything. I almost called off work today just because I want to sleep all day. Plus, my boss man is out all week and the few things I have to do this week could be completed in about 2 hours. I love my job, but when sicky, I'd rather be in bed.

I had a horrid wedding nightmare over the weekend. In it, Fiance's family told us we should have the wedding now, while we were at some random house for a weekend. I ended up in my sister's wedding dress, which was too big, doing my own hair and makeup (which for me, would be horrible, since I'm not great at those things), my parents couldn't make it because my dad fell down and got a concussion (?) and the kicker: When I demand to see Fiance before the alleged ceremony, because I wanted to tell him I don't want to do the wedding today, he has shaved his head, all facial hair (he usually rocks the goatee and a beard in the winter) and got his septum pierced. I begin crying at this point and then wake up, realizing it was nothing but a really bad dream. All the things sound really trival, but the feeling of no one listening to me/caring what I thought was the worst part of it. I haven't been thinking about the wedding much at all lately...so I guess this was my subconscious telling me I need to plan more?

I feel I have bitched and moaned enough for today....

...

(editor's note: I had typed about my few short relationships before Fiance, but decided they don't even matter, cause it's in the past)

fast-forward to 2005.  I was bored with the single life.  Dating a bunch of guys since the break up who I knew were no good for me led me to a particularly bad guy which made me hang up the reins for a while.  Then along comes Fiance.

Things have been so different with us.  We took things so slow in the beginning I can't believe I had the patience for it....all I could tell my friends was, "its so different with him than how it was with anyone else" blah blah blah.  We didn't see each other much so we appreciated the time together so much more.  All his baby related drama has never really been an issue for me, I want him including all the stuff that entails him.

So, my point I have finally arrived at...if our relationship was so different in the beginning...so great and shiny and we never fought about anything and all that jazz....how come we have fallen into the same problems all relationships have?  Okay, wait, I know the answer to that...its normal, thats what happens, but I have to point out, things were better before we were officially engaged.  Its this fucking wedding.  Not the fact that we are getting married.  The whole lifetime together part of the bargain doesn't cause us any strife, its August 29 that is causing all the problems.

Ever since we got engaged things have sort of gone to shit in my eyes.  Not the fundamentals of our relationship...we love each other and are going to be together and that is the bottom line, but all of the sudden, the way we talk to each other has mutated into something I don't like.  I don't feel like he knows me at all sometimes...like we have the same argument and he can't just take me at face value and realize I'm flawed and not tell me to stop worrying and be sort of stand offish about it, but hug me and tell me its okay.  Oh and that NOT fighting a lot in the beginning is biting us in ass because we aren't seasoned in it yet....I'm not used to it and most of the time, it just makes me cry....more because I'm angry than sad, but sometimes its both.

He (STILL) doesn't seem to get how all the stupid fucking wedding related stuff is all on me.  I haven't done anything for it in two weeks, including talking about it and he jumped all over me about wanting to go to the tux place just to get prices.  And he acts like a fucking 5 year old kid "well how long is it going to take" and sighs and acts like I'm making him go with me to a book club meeting full of women who all happen to be on their periods (I'm not even in a book club, and if I was, he wouldn't be invited, but you get what I'm saying.)

I let it go today.  Whatever the men are wearing that is.  I told him I done with it, and he can figure it out himself since he made it clear he wants a say in what he wears early, but now when I want to get it taken care of when we have nothing else going on, he gets his panties in a bunch about it.

We should have fucking eloped.

I hate wedding planning.

Negative Nancy

I was not in a happy place when I woke up today...and it has taken me until now to pep-talk myself out of it.

I sometimes wonder if I need to go talk to someone about all of this anxiety I have. Is medication the answer? I really don't know. I always thought of things this way: everyone has their issues, and it all depends on how you deal and I work to deal with mine every day. Some days go better than others, but lately there have been a lot of angsty, sad and worried days. Maybe its the nupitals, maybe its the fact that I'm finally out of school and going to be 25 this year and don't really like my job. Or maybe its all of this. Or none of it.

Whatever it is, I am exhausted from dealing with said issues. I have all these constant worries that I can't get out of my head. Ranging from money, to health, to relationships to family...just about every aspect of my life. Mostly they are things I cannot control....or that I try to control and fail miserably.

Maybe I need a happy pill. Maybe I need a drink, but whatever the case is, I need something I'm not getting to help me not be such a cranky bitch so often.

Sigh

I'm annoyed by the responsibilities of adulthood today. Need to go get tags for my car...and go to the bank on my lunch break when all I really want to do is go home, read Eclipse (third book in Twilight Saga) and take a nap. Oh well, must press on I suppose.

Here's some better-ish pictures of me in my dress:

It makes me happy to look at even if it is quite snug. I'm thinking if this sickness keeps it up, I may be able to look good in the store sample and get some awesome pictures.

I'm boycotting involved wedding related planning until after I'm well too...it tends to upset me more since I feel like poo.

The end.

Happy Blog

Due my recent constant state of tenison, I've decided I need an attitude adjustment, or at least attempt one so I can say "at least I tried".

I am very thankful for the following:
1. I have a job that allows me to pay my bills, and isn't too horrible to do day-in and day-out.
2. I have a wonderful fiance who, after over three years together, still gives me butterflies.
3. I'm getting married. At one point in my life, I thought this would never happen.
4. Despite our few problems, my family is very supportive and pretty functional.
5. I have a handful of great friends.
6. Coffee. I can live without it, but I choose not to.
7. the TV show 'Friends' being on DVD. I think I would lose my mind without something to watch that isn't fuzzy since we don't have cable and after February 16 or whatever probably won't get many digital channels consistently since we have yet to find a digital antenna that actually works for us.

I am going to put a lot of effort into remembering these things on a daily basis. There are so many people in this country and others that are struggling in so many different ways. I need to be more thankful I have my teeny stressors instead of huge ones.

In totally unrelated news....Happy Birthday Lincoln, you rocked a beard like no other.

He makes me so crazy sometimes.

We are spending money and looking nice for our wedding day and for some reason, he has some huge fucking problem with telling people what I don't want them to wear to an event WE are paying for to celebrate OUR fucking wedding.

"I just don't want people to think they are coming to an uptight wedding"

Telling them they can't wear jeans, shorts or sleeveless shirts if they are a guy is not telling them what to wear, its telling them to not look like they are going to a fucking bar for a night of drinking.  I don't feel like that makes us seem uptight at all, I think it just tells them we are trying to be a bit classy.

Because honestly the reason I did that question/answer for the FAQ in the first fucking place is because of all the goddamn band/bar type people HE'S INVITING.  They are the reason I'm worried about space....most of them I could care less about sharing our day with because I barely know them.  They are the reason I'm worried things will get broken because they will get shitfaced and stupid. They are the eye sores I do not want to fucking look at the day I get married nor do I want in pictures.

But being the good partner I am, I keep such thoughts inside because they are his friends and I take him as is, icky gross friends and all.

He just keeps throwing these random objections at me....things I never think he wouldn't be okay with he has huge problems with.  Other things he is either on board for or just plain doesn't care either way.

I'll say it again: Boo wedding planning.