Breaks my Heart.

Days like yesterday are gut-wrenching, vomit-inducing, make me want to use physical violence (even though I've never before) towards someone who hurts the people I love the most.

What kind of mother is she?

What kind of woman is she?

She really thinks she has the right to act the way she does, and that is the most maddening part of the whole situation.

I loathe how she can upset my husband the way she does and in doing so, she is hurting her daughter, just to spite him. What the fuck is wrong with her?

So many people have told me, "he needs to go back to court" "she can't do that" blah blah blah but she does, and in a rural Ohio court system that her mother works in, she can.

All because he the was first person in her life to stand up to her, to tell her no, to tell her she's not perfect and to not give her exactly what she wanted because she was awful to him. He was man enough to walk way.

It's so frustrating because there is so very little I can do to make things better, besides be a much better female role model for Kiddo, and sometimes those are big shoes to fill.

In the Mean Time.

(the in-between time)

I've decided to inventory all the positives of my job (yes, again. I know I've done this at least once before) in an effort to remind myself I'm lucky to have this thing I call my job.

1. I'm salaried and I'm paid well. If we hadn't dug ourselves into the financial situation we have, we could be living comfortably and saving a lot more each month, but alas, we still make ends meet, somehow.
2. Even when I'm late, I'm here before the rest of my "office" (clarification: my Office consists of me, a co-worker, the assistant director of the department and the director of the department. Oh and I have a student employee.)
3. They gave me a student employee. Some would see this as a negative, but she is very nice so it works out.
4. Due to the composition of my office, there is not the never ending stream of birthday/celebratory carry-ins that plague professional offices all over the country. My waistline thanks me for my choice of employment: in a very small department, with three middle aged men, none of which celebrate Western-cultural holidays.
5. Flexibility on time off.
6. A ridiculous amount of research time. RIDICULOUS.
7. I'm in my own space, so I don't have to listen to them talk to their families/friends on their cell phones in their native language like I'm at one of those nail places at the mall. Plus I can listen to music.

On paper, it doesn't sound half bad does it? Well when you spend years dreaming of this completely intangible job where you change the world and you love getting up each and every morning to do said job, it sort of takes away your will to live...or to at least dream anymore.

In my defense, the actual work I do is so mundane plus it includes any and all secretarial/receptionist type work (including travel planning, and ALL fiscal matters)which is more than a little demeaning in a office full of men. Hire an administrative assistant: I didn't go to college to make your copies.

All in all, I could be doing a lot worse, but I'm still not happy. Damn me and my overachieving nature. It has left me always yearning for something more.

So it begins. Again.

It's official. I'm looking for a new job.

It is the least I can do while I trudge along in my miserable existence at my current place of employment. Please do not think I am not grateful that I even have a job right now, because I am, but I am also becoming increasingly unhappy where I'm at as each day passes. It is not a fulfilling job and I would really like to find something I enjoy doing at least half of the time, so we can maybe figure out where to look for a house AND so I can stop falling down the stairs of our second floor apartment before I break a hip or something.

I do not miss is formatting the old resumé. Or coming up with concise things to say in a cover letter. Or attempting to guess exactly what they want to see in my objective line but I will at least try, because then I can bitch about how I can't find a new job, instead of about how much I dislike the one I already have. Everybody wins!

To all you 20somethings still plugging away at your undergrad, NEVER LEAVE COLLEGE. It's a huge scary world out here, where student loans go into repayment, cars break down, taxes get WAY more confusing than they already are, and you can't even drown your sorrows beginning on Thursday night because:
1. you have to work on Friday, every Friday, and if you mysteriously always call off, they will catch on eventually
2. your body can't handle drinking like that anymore for one night, let alone a weekly 3 night bender. Now sporadic weddings and friends birthdays leave you feeling like death for the following two days and last but not least

3. You are generally more tired than ever before in your life. Probably because you work at a job you pretty much hate and its sucking the very life out of you one painful 8 to 5 work day at a time.

But hey, at least my car insurance is cheaper! (by about $20. Seriously.)

****

Today is one of those days I feel like I am 25 going on 50. I had a dentist appointment. I found a new guy, closer to where I live. I should probably mention I've been putting off finding a new guy for some time. Like a year. And a half.

So anyways, I went in for the preliminary stuff...x-rays and the like. I come to find out this dentist is ridiculously thorough. 18 x-rays, a dental exam and a periodontal exam later I find out I need at least two root canals and crowns and possibly another root canal and blah blah blah and a whole bunch of other things that I don't even know how to pronounce. So he advises I come in for a cleaning next week, and then we go from there, prioritizing the most urgent stuff first.

Thanks Mom and Dad for craptastic mouth genes (hey if you can't blame your parents, who can you blame?) If you know me, you know I'm pretty religious about my brushing and flossing. All I can hope for is they give me the giggle gas and send me home with some sort of Rx for a nice pain killer to help me forget the awful parts...since all the crap I need done will most likely NOT be able to be done all at once.

Being a grown up isn't really all its cracked up to be. Trust me.

Songs I love.

Well I've got friends who,
will help me pull through...

All Before 9am

My list of accomplishments:

Successfully made two trips halfway down the (snow covered) stairs before going back up due to forgotten things.

Fell down half the stairs with my car key in hand (can't be attached to wad 'o keys, so its just a little VW key rectangle) making the key go flying into the snow (approx 6 to 8 inches) where it (hopefully) is still residing.

Realized I don't have a spare key since I bought my car used and the dealer wasn't given one from the past owners.

Changed into black dress pants that are about a half size too small, since the pants I was wearing got wet and my other ones that fit are dirty.

Woke my husband up crying hysterically about how I needed him to get up and help me look for said key along with grumbling to him about my fall and how I plan on calling the landlord and asking if the steps are getting re-done when we get our deck built in the spring, since I've fallen down them twice since we moved there in December of 2008.

Realized my work keys are hanging from my rear view mirror, in my car, who's key is somewhere in the snow behind my apartment.

It was a productive morning, to say the least, but damn my ass hurts.

Oh the irony.

It's been snowing off and on for the past couple weeks and the weathermen predict anywhere from 2 to 4 more inches by tomorrow, so why oh why does my favorite place in the world to shop (Target of course) have SWIM SUITS for sale?! I gave them a pass on the Valentine's Day crap all throughout the store, since it is the next major holiday our capitalistic, materialistic country thrives upon, but seriously, four days after Christmas (which was when I witnessed this insanity at Target) no intelligent woman wants to be thinking about swim suit season. I personally don't want to be thinking about Valentine's Day either....besides that it was my great Uncle Bob's Birthday.

After Christmas time is somewhat depressing on its own. You know you've packed on at least 5 pounds from all the delicious yet fattening things you eat, there is always that one gift you regret not buying that one person (for me, it was not gifting nearly as many wedding photos as I had originally planned, oh the guilt!) and snow isn't magical anymore, its just plain annoying. Now they (the man of course) want me to think about being almost naked whilst those parts of my body are pasty and gross? I think not.

Perhaps these early as can be swim suits for sale are geared towards tiny college girls who will be embarking upon spring break at the end of March, but still, 4 days after Christmas people?! Really?

Instead, I'm focusing on making it through the crappy part of Ohio winter, where every other night I hope that if it snows, it will be enough to merit NOT going into work.

In conclusion (yeah, my writing skills are not what they used to be) I still love my Target, and will continue to shop there faithfully, but really have to shake my fist at them about swimsuits for sale in December....in Ohio. *Shakes fist furiously*

The end.

Well Crap.

I've already blown my 365 posts in 2010 goal I set up, but yesterday was especially craptastic, so there's my excuse for not writing. Someone (either me or my HR department at work) ty-poed a 2 as my allowances on a tax form, and so the tax fairy will not be leaving me a surprise this year, I will actually have to pay her. Life goes on, and I'm going to correct the mistake today, so my deduction is "correct" (because I TOTALLY know the correct percentage of my paycheck the Federal Government should get, being a Sociology Major in my undergrad definitely taught me that. Can you feel the sarcasm? Good.)

The upside is since I got married last year, Husband and I can file together so I won't owe anything, he'll just get less, which cuts out the waiting for his return so we could turn around and pay what I owe. Whoever said money can't solve problems was rich and stupid. We had sort of been relying on a good refund this year, but I guess that's why I shouldn't assume things. Lesson learned.

In other news, its snowing. Past New Year's, unless snow gets me a day off work, I could really careless about it. Can we please fast forward to Spring now?

Happy Tuesday.