New Normal.

I squint through the darkness in order to see what the time is, and once again I've awoken just shy of a half hour until I need to get up. As I stumble still half asleep to the bathroom (since that's why I'm awake too early once again) the thought of a morning workout crosses my mind but quickly decide "not today" and head back to bed for another 20 or so minutes of sleep. One snooze button hit later, I'm in the shower and he's up and moving.

"I'm going to go start the cars" he says. I smile. "Okie" I reply.

We have been doing the morning dance around each other in our small apartamento for a month now. For the first time ever we have to be at work at the same time every day. I sort of love starting my day with him.

Aside from realizing we need at least a bath and a half in our (hopefully in the not-so-distant) future home, it has been strangely nice. It is easier to get out of the warm bed knowing your personal heater has to get up as well. And knowing your car won't be warm and/or not covered in snow when you go to depart. That is worth sharing the bathroom for.

His job is going well. He likes it, and it is a lot of take home work sometimes, but eventually he won't be the new guy and won't have to prep so much for the computer programs he is teaching the next day (because he will have already taught them). He is finally doing something he actually enjoys, for the first time in over five years. That makes me so happy for him. Add in the fact of room for advancement and profit sharing and I think my husband might have a career on his hands.

The 4 months he was unemployed I was constantly waiting for something epic and bad to happen, that we wouldn't be able to afford to fix. It never happened and here we are on the other side of things, wiser and happier than I could have imagined. I've been saying the lay off was a blessing in disguise; things really do happen for a reason.

So even when I'm dark and twisty, things aren't that bad, and I feel like they can only get better from here on out.

But wait, what happened to the angsty crap from last time? I would attribute that to really bad PMS....plus I'm working out again, and I've said it before, its my own natural anti-depressant. It's a wonder what sweating it out can do for your mood. If only I could stick with it forever and I would be rainbows and smiles permanently...ehhh I don't know about that...

Winter wins again.

I'm suffocating even though I still take breaths in.

I'm sinking but my arms don't remember how to swim.

I'm restless but I don't know where I wouldn't be.

None of this is even bothersome, it is all just mundane. It is all expected, familiar; boring almost.

I'm jealous, bitter, angry, sad, anxious and a million other feelings.

Perhaps I should get back on the wagon of weight loss (aka treadmill) if only there wasn't such a vicious cycle of apathy going on presently. I just don't feel like it, so I don't. Then I feel worse, so I don't. Maybe I should remember how I felt two short weeks ago? So easy to be optimistic after two weeks away from the most un-fulfilling part of my days.

59 days til Spring......

Home. It's where your crap is.

Since realistically the husband and I won't be ready to look at houses until next year (that will put him at his current job for a full year, increasing our pre-approval amount and giving us the next 12 months to get some things paid off) I need to make some changes to our humble apartamento. I also need to stop looking at houses online, because I get attached to one, and then someone who IS ready to buy snatches it up. Then I am sad.

So I'm hoping to accomplish all the following before we move since I know there will be a long list of things we'll need to buy once we are in a house. Like a lawn mower, ladder and other things I can potentially hurt myself with. Good thing we have insurance.

Let's list things, shall we?

Living room:
Large bookcase (think Expedit 4x4 from IKEA) for books and nonsense storage.
Couch/loveseat combo OR sectional. I've never owned my very own couch, and the blue and white checked monstrosity, while comfortable and sturdy has got to go. I am very thankful that the husband had it donated when he lost nearly all of his stuff in a fire long before we met, but the time has come to say goodbye.
Re-configure stuff on the walls and perhaps furniture arrangement

Bedroom:
Closet system- We currently have one extremely bowed closet rod and piles of nonsense below, so we need one. It will go with us when we leave, or the landlord can pay us back.
6 drawer low dresser- Two people and a four drawer garage sale find from when I was 16 does not compute.
Baskets for storage under nightstands.

Bathroom:
New Shower curtain
Shower organizational thingy-Right now we have two small ones and the clutter in there is suddenly driving me nuts.

Girls' room:
They both need small, three drawer dressers. We have a clothes storage issue all-around in our home. Half of their closet is hanging clothes, the other half is Christmas tree/hockey crap storage. We have no storage besides unused kitchen cabinets.

Hopefully, some progress shall be made! Perhaps I'll even remember to take some before/after pictures...they are always my favorite part of the home design shows but let's be honest, I tend to get all excited about new things and organization and only document the after. Oh well.

I am also hoping publishing my own little to-do list here will help me actually accomplish some of it. It is not like I want to re-furnish the entire place. In the past though, I jump from room to room and can't seem to decide where to start. This time, I'm starting in the living room, since we spend most of our time there. That, or the closet in our bedroom. See...I'm doing it already. Not that we spend a lot of time there, but with the husband's grown up job, he and I are getting ready at the same time now, and the closet leaves SO much to be desired. I try to keep the bedroom in check so its a peaceful place for us to rest our heads but it often looks as if the dresser upchucked clothing everywhere. My OCD tendencies don't really enjoy this.

I am going to try and make something happen in the next 30 days. We'll see how it goes.

Experiment.

Today I am going to remember the happiest times over my two week furlough; I am thankful I got to spend that time with my husband, friends and family. I will remind myself of the benefits of my job; when I can't find the good things I will refuse to let it interfere with my over all happiness. At least for today. Tomorrow I start again, and see how that goes.

This is a definite one day at a time experiment. If I can apply this attitude every day for the next 21 work days, perhaps it will become routine? Perhaps I will awake to birds chirping and woodland creatures serenading me tomorrow? Anything is possible, right?

Today's benefit: how nice it is to have my own office (where I can take mini breaks to blog randomness).

So this is the New Year. Again.

It seems like just yesterday it was a year ago. Probably because one year ago I was lazing about watching bowl games much like I am today, but this year feels different. Even with its similarities, January 1, 2011 (I wonder how many times I'll write 2010 in the next month?) is a whole new world.

I really enjoy New Year's Eve. I always have. I know it is just a flip of the calendar but there is something so refreshing about it for me and my slightly OCD personality. Its a new start. A clean slate. This year I have discovered a new confidence in who I am and how I've grown in the past 365 days. It makes this day much happier, because there is no place to go but up.

2010 was not easy. It was as much a bitch as it was fantastic. I learned more about myself and quite possibly about life than I have thus far. Doors were closed and windows opened. I worried less and lived more.

My little family is finally united. That is the best part of all.

All is right in the world, or at least my world, for at least a little while.

Here's to a happy and healthy 2011. Cheers.

'Tis the Season.

Back in November I set up some guidelines for Holiday season sanity, to refresh:


-No crying (at least not of the sad, we-have-no-money kind, tears of joy are allowed.)
-No stressing (aka no skipping the gym for this girl.)
-No present buying for anyone but the 'rents and the kids. Period. (I have a problem with gift giving...I enjoy it way too much.)

I can't say I haven't cried since this was posted, but I can say the times its happened has been because of my job/my own personal crap....so I guess that's a half-hearted success?

I may have given up on going to the gym where I work every night but I've been on the treadmill in our living room at least 3 times a week (and that will change to at least 5 times a week since I'm off work starting Monday til January 3rd...not my choice, but my employer's who is hemorrhaging money and cutting our budget with furlough) and I can tell it is keeping me balanced. Who knows, maybe I'll start 2011 5 pounds lighter....but I won't know, since we don't own a scale (because I would obsess every fluctuation) so I'll just have to pay attention to the way my pants fit. Which I already do that pretty obsessively anyways. Good times.

We definitely have only shopped for the kids and the parents. So good job us. Even if I am being a baby and am secretly really sad for no presents from the husband. They are always my favorite at Christmas time....but we have so many Christmas futures, and when I think about it that way, it is not a big deal. Just the fact that we get to spend so much time together this year is pretty awesome. And it probably won't happen again for a long time so I'll enjoy it while I can.

The husband is on his 3rd interview for one job, and is waiting on a call back for a teaching position he open interviewed for last night AND a friend of ours just emailed him about a possible opening at his work. There is a good chance he will have something by January, which would be a great way to start 2011.

Now, if the insane baby dreams would stop, I could have a freakin' Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year ('s Eve Party....New Year's Eve is my FAVORITE.)

Til Next time.

Toughie.

Do step-parenting support groups exist? If so, I need to know when and where and if there isn't, I should start one.

It is not an easy job...being a part-time-sort-of-parental-type-person. You (think you) know what you are getting yourself into, but at the same time, you don't at all; every family is as different as its individuals.

You have to remember why you chose to be with your partner AND their child(ren, in my case) when the going gets tough. You are allowed to provide basic care (ie: feeding, grooming, purchasing of things to feed and clothe them with) but beyond that, it gets murky, especially if the child's other biological parent goes out of their way to be difficult on a regular basis.

You can love the child(ren) immensely, but don't expect to be well received if things come up about how they are being raised and/or taken care of when with the other parent. You can worry about them, but you can't do more than volunteer solutions to your partner when it comes to problem solving issues with the other parent.

I always said I didn't want kids, but here I am, step-parenting away, which I am honest-to-goodness starting to believe can be harder than parenting in its own way. I am convinced being a parent is the hardest role anyone can have in life, but emotionally step-parenting has to be at least, on the same page as parenting, if not more confusing at times. At least I could be 50% of the decision making if they were biologically mine. Right now, I'm about 10% of one half (I suck at math, so you figure that one out) and all I can do is give my opinion to my husband, whether he takes it or not is completely up to him....and even if he does, the mom still has veto power.

My husband and his girls were a packaged deal from day one, and I thought long and hard before we got serious about how him having kids adds an additional layer of life-complicating situations. I wouldn't trade my life right now for anything, but some sort of step-parenting manual would be helpful. Perhaps there exists a "Step-Parenting for Dummies" manual? I need to research this.

Bottom line: It is hard to care so much but keep your mouth shut at certain times. It is something I am still learning how to do 100% of the time. I try my best to be a positive role model for the girls, and enjoy the fleeting moments we get to spend as a family of four; every other weekend never seems to come soon enough.