Happiness

I heart this picture:





It is selfish and horrible and conceited, but this picture has reminded me how all this wedding planning bullshit is worth it, because I get to wear that for a whole day and be very pretty and looked at and complimented all day long.
Plus Fiance and I had a great hang-out night last night. I heart him a lot.

Insecurities

I keep having these horrible, extremely vivid dreams that Fiance breaks things off and is completely non-chalant about it too. When I wake up, I'm usually on the verge of tears and realize it was, thankfully, it was just a dream.

I could pretend I don't know why I have these, but that would be a load of shit.

I'm a masochist with my thoughts sometimes. whenever one of my parents gets a bad cold it sometimes elavates to them in the hospital with pneumonia and dying and I think about how I am not ready to lose them. When I walk down our back steps (which I fell down back in November one icy Ohio morning) I visualize falling again. Sometimes while driving on the highway, I get flashes of wrecking my car and I think about how Fiance would react to that phone call. I don't know why I do this....it doesn't happen all the time...but sometimes, there they are, inflitrating my private thoughts; these horrible scenarios. Maybe I'm a bit mental, but hey, I think everyone has their issues, it just depends on how you deal with them.

I don't think about Fiance leaving me much in conscious thought, but man, does it materialize in my dreams occassionally....and then there it is, in my head.

See, what doesn't help is this: my first long term relationship ended with our first real fight, which wasn't even a fight, it was more like, he acting like an asshole, me confronting him about it and then him telling me it was over. Fiance and I didn't get into an actual argument until December of 2007, after we had been living together for 6 months and we had be together for almost 2 years. I don't know how to fight with him. I freaked the fuck out when we got into that first fight, because a larget part of me was thinking, "well, I bet this is over with now....where the fuck am I going to live?" and we were arguing over the dishes being washed...I get all feminist and "why am I expected to do certain things" from time to time...then I remember he is the bug killer and builder of furniture from a box.... anyways, he called me out on it and said, I think you are picking a fight with me because we never fight about anything and he was right.

But I digress. I don't even know where I was going with this...I feel so emo. I just hate when I have those dreams.

In other news.....Brangelina both got shafted at the Oscar's...how about that?

Mission: Accomplished

This lil guy (along with the matching band that current lives in its cute lil box at home) are officially mine. I made the final payment on the account today since we both got our tax returns back and had the money.

Woo.

Weird.

The stupid wedding is inflitrating my sweet slumber....along with other things.

I was in the middle of some dream about flowers last night when Fiance awoke me with a different thing in mind completely. It was weird. I was confused. For a moment reality and dream worlds overlapped and there was rolling about in flowers. I'll leave it at that.

Why am I am dreaming about flowers? I mean, I've never been into them before. I find myself gravitating towards earthy colors and nature patterns on home decor, but never in the froo-froo way. More in the two-toned, outline of nature style, but now I'm dreaming about which flowers to pick for the day I get married?

What makes it worse is how I decided two days ago to not even use real flowers. I'm allergic and they are expensive.

The wedding is like a disease!


Completely unrelated: I changed my bloggy's look. I decided it was time to shake things up.

Sigh

I'm annoyed by the responsibilities of adulthood today. Need to go get tags for my car...and go to the bank on my lunch break when all I really want to do is go home, read Eclipse (third book in Twilight Saga) and take a nap. Oh well, must press on I suppose.

Here's some better-ish pictures of me in my dress:

It makes me happy to look at even if it is quite snug. I'm thinking if this sickness keeps it up, I may be able to look good in the store sample and get some awesome pictures.

I'm boycotting involved wedding related planning until after I'm well too...it tends to upset me more since I feel like poo.

The end.

Soup but no Spoon.

I have a cold/sinus/allergy thing going on. I have little to no appetite so I brought soup to eat for lunch. I don't have a freaking spoon though. That pretty much sums up my day.

I have been trying to be in a not crap mood, but I don't feel good. Originally, I was going to get license plates for my car and to the bank on my lunch break, then I remembered its Tuesday and that I had to go talk to the florist. It went well, and compared to "the standard" the price isn't horrid, but compared to our budget, it is a lot of money. I thought we may be able to make it work.

Then I made the mistake of calling Fiance and telling him. Lately I've been worried about money a lot, so when I told him how much the flowers would be, he got pissy saying things like you can't worry about money so much and then want to spend that on flowers. He doesn't get how it could still work, or how compared to an "average" wedding, this is nothing all he sees is things with the word "wedding" attached to it makes them ridiculously overpriced and it pisses him off. He sort of yelled at me, which prompted me to say,
"I don't know what I was thinking, I shouldn't have even called you about this, I'll just call my sister..." which in turn made him realize he was being mean.
I wanted to cry, since I feel like crap and now he's yelling at me and telling me "its not that hard, why don't you just buy real flowers and make them the day of" I told him that really isn't an option since I don't want to worry about it the day of the wedding, plus I'm hopelessly un-crafty so unless he wants to do it, I'll just do fake flowers and make them well in advance with the help of my sister, MOH and BM.
Real flowers are dumb anyway, they die and I'm slightly allergic to them. Maybe I'll even do something fun with feathers...who knows.

We registered Saturday night. That was fun. Oh and my dress is ordered and paid for in full. Woo for that...and I paid a large chunk of my ring off yesterday. Sucks because it was using our tax refunds, but whatever.

I hope the rest of today goes quickly. Now I'm going to try and eat my soup with a fork :/

oooOOOOoooo

It's Friday the 13th yo.

Guess who got 3 pretty pink roses from her Fiance?? I did :D I'd never recieved a flower delivery before and it has really made my day awesome. Plus my brother is in town and he is going to come up and ride along with me to Fiance's band's show tonight. It should be some quality family time. What a great day.

Oh plus I made this guy to try and see how the ladies and I will look for the wedding:

MOH in the strapless gold, sister BM in sleeveless tank and friend BM in halter. I think it just may work. We may even try to find matching fabric to tie gold sashes on the brown dresses and brown sashes on the gold dress and on me.

Yay for life on this sunny February day.