Life as I know it.

The world is falling apart, literally due to global warming and figuratively due to wars and ignorance.  Our country is in its worst place economically than it has been in decades.  The leaders of our so called "great nation" don't give a shit about my twentysomething woes.  These include being barely able to pay my bills, put gas in my car and have one night at my friends having drinks.  All that matters to them is how much money they are making.

I have completely lost my direction in life beyond paying my bills and getting through each painfully long work day to come home, sit my ass on the couch for a few hours and then try and get some sleep.  But when I sleep, I dream of the things I think about all day long....money, the future, finding a job etc to the point that I can't even get away from things when I'm asleep anymore.  I wake up exhausted.  Woe is fucking me.

I told myself a long time ago I would never feel this sorry for myself again.  I know it doesn't help anything.  It didn't help me back then and I know it won't help me now.  It is just very hard to be me lately.  I don't feel like myself.  Probably due to the whole "I have NO clue what to do with my life" thing.  But what do I know?  I have one pointless higher education degree and I'm pretty close to having another.  What I am supposed to do with them is a huge mystery to me.  It is almost as if something derailed me along the way and now I am stuck.  Oh thats not a tough one: I fell in love.

All my plans I had for after college were single, independent-me plans.  While I may still be independent, I haven't been single in well over two years.  I can not see myself spending the rest of my life with anyone else I just feel like there is so much more I need to do before the rest of my life starts, like figuring out exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I have never been very good at living in the moment.  I used to tell myself I could change this but its pretty apparent that isn't going to happen at this point.  I need to plan things.  It gives me control.  *le sigh......what is a girl to do when she is a planner without a plan?

People.

Some people really just bust by balls, drive me up the wall.  These include, but are not limited to:

Girls that try too hard to be everything to everyone.  Its impossible so quit while you are ahead.

Girls who are complete drunken whores.  Have some goddamn self-respect.  Its one thing to drink and have a good time, its another to be known as the drunk and/or easy one.

Basically, girls who are any of the following: crazy, melodramatic, complete idiots when it comes to dealing with guys, uber bitches all the time for no reason and those who think they are god's gift to the human race.  Get over yourself and realize no one is perfect, not even you with your orange-glo tan, ridiculously overpriced handbag w/matching wallet and designer sunglasses.  There is more to life than material possessions, they do not make you who you are, unless, I suppose you are shallow and vain.

People that are friends with you when its convenient for them.  Also known as people who call you up to tell you every detail of their relationship/life happenings but when you try and talk, they immediately zone out and then revert to talking incessantly about themselves.  I've had so many of these in the past two years....those who I still talk to on a pretty regular basis are the good people in my life, the rest of your I could have done without.

People (mostly seen done by girls...see a pattern forming?) who are sooooooo happy with their lives they can't help but tell you by updating their myspace/facebook/AIM status 20 times a day saying how much they love their life.  If you love it so much, let it show, don't blatantly tell people....unless that's what it takes to convince yourself your so fucking happy (?)

Christians who refuse to even acknowledge other spiritual preferences as equal to theirs.  Fucking elitists.

Bad drivers.  Go back to drivers education classes.

Sometimes a girl just needs an old-fashioned bitchfest blog.

Change....or not.

The idea of change is complex when you really start thinking about it. Its something that some people fear, some people embrace, and even some people seek out in life.  I used to say I loved changes, something about the mystery of the unknown gave me this rush unlike anything else.  Then I experienced some changes that weren't so fun...heartbreak, people dying that I actually knew and loved, friendships fading and all the other realities you can't really learn about being a major part of adulthood until you are living it.

Now, there have been some positive changes I've experienced too. They have helped to make me a much better person inside and out. Most of these are changes I made happen. They weren't easy by any means, and sometimes I wonder what if I never would have decided to change in the first place. Where would I be....and more importantly who would I be? Most likely a different person than the one typing this.

I've never consciously decided to not change something I had good reason to; something which would better me as a person (besides the whole nicotine addiction; thats a whole other story though) and it seems as though I've encountered someone convinced they cannot change; even though it would better them, due to past experiences. I think this is complete bullshit.  

I'm a firm believer that if you want to change you can.  You decide how and who you are in life. No one else....no matter how shitty someone treated you or how bad it scarred you. I've been treated pretty shitty by a number of people (I could probably count them on both hands, but still) but I am still the best person I can be, at least in my opinion, but I suppose that is a bit biased.  

So it goes.

I had an epiphany driving home tonight. Let's back up; I was talking to the significant other about how complicated life has become. Things never seemed to be this confusing and everything used to be so black and white. Now it appears to me, there are a lot of different shades of grey and nothing is very simple. Maybe this explains excitement over the little things ie: a cheap utility bill, getting gas for cheaper in the AM before it goes up in the PM the very same day etc...

The more complicated one's life becomes, the more excited small doses of happiness can make them. (side note: when it all boils down, it depends on your disposition if you are going to let the small stuff matter or not) This makes sense to me...when your stress level is keeping you up at night, you'll take anything you can get to be happy about.

I feel as if I am a gerbil running on its spinning wheel and I can't get off.  I want to, I'm tired of running but the damn thing is going so fast.  Momentum is all that is keeping me going.

Man, I'm tired.

Here we are.

There comes a moment when you really realize you are getting older. Its always something relatively mundane that shouldn't excite you, but for some reason it does. For example, the natural gas company bill came, and it was only $100. I am 23 years old and this was the high point of my Tuesday.  As soon as the elation subsided, I laughed to myself about it, but that's when it hit me: Here we are, twentysomethings and already excited about a reasonable utility payment. Its all downhill from here.