Thanks to Tabulous I've been introduced to The Thirty Days of Truth. This is an experiment where every day for the next 30 I'm going to blog about something or other in a most earnest way. I think it will be a good learning experience, so I'm going to give it a try.
Day One: Something you hate about yourself
As a perpetual perfectionist, I could create a detailed list of my shortfalls, but that's not the point of this experiment, so I'm going to pick a biggie and go with it. I hate how much I worry about what other people think.
Growing up, I can't fathom the number of times I said, "I don't care what they think anyway" even though on the inside, I did. All I wanted was to be liked, but at the same time, I was sort of a weirdo who did my own thing and that wasn't always the status quo. That made my adolescence a time of ridicule leaving me to forgive but to never forget how I was treated. It has a lot to do with why I don't want kids (well and the fact that I just plain don't feel the need to procreate) but it has also taught me to be wary of my actions, because people react to them, sometimes negatively, and that can hurt.
Now as an adult (I guess you can call me that?) this problem has become specific to certain people in my life, mostly the moms and my co-worker's. I have this never-ending internal editor going, before I do many things (ie: say/do much of anything with the girls, get dressed, pipe up at work, etc...) and the worst part is, it exhausting, but it is also something I don't even realize I'm doing at this point. It has became interwoven into my normal thought pattern; I let it become a part of who I am. If I wanted to attempt to pseudo-psycho-analyze myself, I could say I worry the most about what those people who I know don't accept/like me think. Which is so stupid since who cares what people who don't like me, for whatever reason I can't really control, think?
I do, that's who. It is not without good reason (at least from my perspective) that I worry about the moms of my step-kids and the people I work with. The moms have every reason to not like me: I'm the one He chose to be with forever. And at work....well, I am the minority, and I definitely feel it a lot of the time.
Most of the time, I still tell myself "I don't care what they think" even though it is me trying to convince myself of just that.
So.....there is that, now on to Day Two: Something you love about yourself.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
It strikes again.
Stupid Facebook.
I knew it was going to happen, just not this soon. Little One's mom (who used to stalk Husband on another social networking site, and stalk me and send me emails with lies trying to get to me to break up with him) wants to be friends with us on Facebook. Husband wanted to say "we can be friendly but I wouldn't call us friends" but he didn't know how, so he told her he would be alright with it, but maybe wait until we see each other more (as in, the mom and me). I told him whenever she requests/he approves, he needs to get into his settings and make some changes for what she can see. I know her type. She will be all up in our business. I think he is so glad they are getting along so well he doesn't want to rock the boat, and I am in the same opinion, plus we would get to see pictures of Little One and what not, its just scary? Nerve-racking? Stress-inducing? (All of the above.) I don't update my every move on Facebook anyway, but with her in the mix, I'm going to feel the need to censor myself. And I worry the crazy will come back. I worry the same girl who sent me messages telling me that she's sorry but my (then) boyfriend cheated on me with her and how "they were really serious about getting married some day" (which wasn't the least bit true) will reappear and cause a bunch of unneeded drama in my life.
Maybe she is a changed woman. Maybe she'll continue to play nice and eventually we will turn into some 21st century thing that sort of resembles a quasi-family. I would actually really enjoy that scenario, but the worry is still there, and probably will be there for a few years.
So there you have it, yet another reason Facebook is the devil.
I knew it was going to happen, just not this soon. Little One's mom (who used to stalk Husband on another social networking site, and stalk me and send me emails with lies trying to get to me to break up with him) wants to be friends with us on Facebook. Husband wanted to say "we can be friendly but I wouldn't call us friends" but he didn't know how, so he told her he would be alright with it, but maybe wait until we see each other more (as in, the mom and me). I told him whenever she requests/he approves, he needs to get into his settings and make some changes for what she can see. I know her type. She will be all up in our business. I think he is so glad they are getting along so well he doesn't want to rock the boat, and I am in the same opinion, plus we would get to see pictures of Little One and what not, its just scary? Nerve-racking? Stress-inducing? (All of the above.) I don't update my every move on Facebook anyway, but with her in the mix, I'm going to feel the need to censor myself. And I worry the crazy will come back. I worry the same girl who sent me messages telling me that she's sorry but my (then) boyfriend cheated on me with her and how "they were really serious about getting married some day" (which wasn't the least bit true) will reappear and cause a bunch of unneeded drama in my life.
Maybe she is a changed woman. Maybe she'll continue to play nice and eventually we will turn into some 21st century thing that sort of resembles a quasi-family. I would actually really enjoy that scenario, but the worry is still there, and probably will be there for a few years.
So there you have it, yet another reason Facebook is the devil.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Little things.
They make me really happy sometimes. for example....
I'm not trying to take credit for this, (hah, who am I kidding??) buuuuuuut Kiddo's "new favorite animal" is the owl. They are doing reports on animals at school and she's chosen the Snowy Owl. I've sort of had this thing with them for years, beginning when I was very small and was gifted my great-grandmothers turquoise double owl necklace after she passed. Now that they have become quasi-trendy once again probably has something to do with Kiddo's new affinity for them, but I like to pretend I may have had some influence as well.
Will I ever admit this tiny victory to anyone else? No but it is nice to know I have an impact on her likes, (or at least I like to think so?) even if its something as trivial as "favorite animal" which will probably change 10 more times in the coming years, but oh well. Score one for step-moms every where.
I'm not trying to take credit for this, (hah, who am I kidding??) buuuuuuut Kiddo's "new favorite animal" is the owl. They are doing reports on animals at school and she's chosen the Snowy Owl. I've sort of had this thing with them for years, beginning when I was very small and was gifted my great-grandmothers turquoise double owl necklace after she passed. Now that they have become quasi-trendy once again probably has something to do with Kiddo's new affinity for them, but I like to pretend I may have had some influence as well.
Will I ever admit this tiny victory to anyone else? No but it is nice to know I have an impact on her likes, (or at least I like to think so?) even if its something as trivial as "favorite animal" which will probably change 10 more times in the coming years, but oh well. Score one for step-moms every where.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
(Pleasantly)Surprised.
Child support procedures are pretty messed up these days. The amount my husband is responsible for paying each month was established on September 13. Approximately a week after this, he received a letter stating he was past due and owed X amount of dollars by the following Wednesday. After some quick math and a Monday morning call to the Child Support Enforcement Agency(CSEA for short) the reason was established: he owed back payments from the date he received the court papers. That was Father's Day. I guess they expect people to pull a number out of their hineys and save moolah whilst they wait 3 months for their court date where the actual amount of support to be paid is established?? I definitely gained a few wrinkles trying to make sense of that injustice.
(disclaimer: I know there are scumbags out there who don't care about seeing their children and/or financially supporting them, but the same rules applying to good fathers is a bunch of archaic bullshit that really needs to be reformed.)
But wait, this post was titled '(Pleasantly)Surprised' although there is nothing pleasant about that scenario. I know this, the previously described turn of events was scary, especially since once he talked to CSEA he found out he owed for September as well, which was not included on the back balance and to top it off, we were going into the first month of no paychecks for him due to getting downsized. Fantastic! I had more than one angry crying moment due to it all. It has been handled and he is current (for now) but it was not fun times for a couple weeks.
Moving on to the good part. Yesterday the husband got a phone call from Little One's mom thanking (whaaaaa? this is unheard of in our world) him for the money. She said she was very surprised at the amount and she told him its all going into a savings account she has for Little One. She also suggested meeting at a Chuck E. Cheese 15 minutes from us (they usually meet half way between where we live and where they live, which is 45 minutes away) for this week's visit and that it's all on her. This is coming from the woman who kept husband from seeing his child for years. I'm not sure why or how this change of heart has happened, but it is absolutely amazing.
The part about her thanking him really floored me. It makes me believe she doesn't feel entitled to the money, she feels grateful for it and that makes paying it each month a lot easier. This is much unlike Kiddo's mom, so it is nice to know someone appreciates it.
There was a brief conversation about me coming today, because the Chuck E. Cheese they are meeting at was the one I first met Kiddo at in March of 2007 but they are meeting at 4 so I'll still be at work. Plus I really want her mother to be alright with it, and have time to be ready for me to be there, so it will wait a bit longer. Plus I'm hoping for a sunny fall day/a trip to the park for me being there, because I'll probably cry and then I can hide it with sunglasses at least. I'm a crier, and the last time I saw this child she was a bebe still, and she fell asleep on me at his parents house, and it was precious, so there will most likely be tears.
I was guardedly happy at first at how well things are going with Little One, but that guard is just about gone. I'm sick of having to be so cynical; having to expect the worst, so its nice to see things continually getting better.
Now, if someplace would call the husband back about a job....
(disclaimer: I know there are scumbags out there who don't care about seeing their children and/or financially supporting them, but the same rules applying to good fathers is a bunch of archaic bullshit that really needs to be reformed.)
But wait, this post was titled '(Pleasantly)Surprised' although there is nothing pleasant about that scenario. I know this, the previously described turn of events was scary, especially since once he talked to CSEA he found out he owed for September as well, which was not included on the back balance and to top it off, we were going into the first month of no paychecks for him due to getting downsized. Fantastic! I had more than one angry crying moment due to it all. It has been handled and he is current (for now) but it was not fun times for a couple weeks.
Moving on to the good part. Yesterday the husband got a phone call from Little One's mom thanking (whaaaaa? this is unheard of in our world) him for the money. She said she was very surprised at the amount and she told him its all going into a savings account she has for Little One. She also suggested meeting at a Chuck E. Cheese 15 minutes from us (they usually meet half way between where we live and where they live, which is 45 minutes away) for this week's visit and that it's all on her. This is coming from the woman who kept husband from seeing his child for years. I'm not sure why or how this change of heart has happened, but it is absolutely amazing.
The part about her thanking him really floored me. It makes me believe she doesn't feel entitled to the money, she feels grateful for it and that makes paying it each month a lot easier. This is much unlike Kiddo's mom, so it is nice to know someone appreciates it.
There was a brief conversation about me coming today, because the Chuck E. Cheese they are meeting at was the one I first met Kiddo at in March of 2007 but they are meeting at 4 so I'll still be at work. Plus I really want her mother to be alright with it, and have time to be ready for me to be there, so it will wait a bit longer. Plus I'm hoping for a sunny fall day/a trip to the park for me being there, because I'll probably cry and then I can hide it with sunglasses at least. I'm a crier, and the last time I saw this child she was a bebe still, and she fell asleep on me at his parents house, and it was precious, so there will most likely be tears.
I was guardedly happy at first at how well things are going with Little One, but that guard is just about gone. I'm sick of having to be so cynical; having to expect the worst, so its nice to see things continually getting better.
Now, if someplace would call the husband back about a job....
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Money CAN buy Happiness....
Or it can at least buy the husband the right to see his child and that makes us both really happy, especially since (in my completely biased opinion) she is pretty stinking cute:
She is outgoing and full of energy and I love hearing the stories of his weekly visits. Her favorite animal is a skunk and she loves to swing and draw. In November I'll be going with him to visit/"meet" her. (I use quotations, because I knew her from two weeks old to September of 2007, but we are not sure if her mother knows this, and Little One of course won't remember) He wants me to be there when we reintroduce the girls to each other, since Kiddo is pretty reserved around people she doesn't know and Little One is so extroverted and the last time they saw each other, Kiddo was 5 and Little One was about a year and very blonde. I'm sure it might be uncomfortable at first, but once Kiddo warms up to her, they will probably have tons of fun. Or not. Either way, we are a family, albeit a very non conventional one, but a family nonetheless.
***
We are just as poor as when I was still in college but man, are we happy. Husband job hunts every day, and has taken to Frisbee Golfing a few times a week to get him out of the apartment. I am not looking for a job anymore right now, because I can't take a pay cut with Husband not working. Also when I interviewed at a local private college last week and was told the pay was minimum wage I decided its time to put my job search on hold, and just worry about paying the bills and keeping current on things. And living life and not getting caught up on the problems so much, because really, who wants to waste their time on the bad parts? Not me. I have step-daughters to play with, an adorable baby niece to tickle, a husband to laugh with and great friends to see me through and right now, that's about all I can ask for.
Little One (who isn't so little anymore!) Last Thursday
She is outgoing and full of energy and I love hearing the stories of his weekly visits. Her favorite animal is a skunk and she loves to swing and draw. In November I'll be going with him to visit/"meet" her. (I use quotations, because I knew her from two weeks old to September of 2007, but we are not sure if her mother knows this, and Little One of course won't remember) He wants me to be there when we reintroduce the girls to each other, since Kiddo is pretty reserved around people she doesn't know and Little One is so extroverted and the last time they saw each other, Kiddo was 5 and Little One was about a year and very blonde. I'm sure it might be uncomfortable at first, but once Kiddo warms up to her, they will probably have tons of fun. Or not. Either way, we are a family, albeit a very non conventional one, but a family nonetheless.
***
We are just as poor as when I was still in college but man, are we happy. Husband job hunts every day, and has taken to Frisbee Golfing a few times a week to get him out of the apartment. I am not looking for a job anymore right now, because I can't take a pay cut with Husband not working. Also when I interviewed at a local private college last week and was told the pay was minimum wage I decided its time to put my job search on hold, and just worry about paying the bills and keeping current on things. And living life and not getting caught up on the problems so much, because really, who wants to waste their time on the bad parts? Not me. I have step-daughters to play with, an adorable baby niece to tickle, a husband to laugh with and great friends to see me through and right now, that's about all I can ask for.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Epic.
The first Monday of my husband's unemployment we were at a county courthouse, filled with anxiety that had been building over the course of the last two years. His youngest child's mother and grandfather were also there. This woman, who has caused my husband all this strife saw me and gave a small smile and in that second, I decided to return the favor. Now, I'm not trying to take credit for how unbelievably well things went, but I don't think my presence and playing nice hurt a thing. I think it was good for husband I was there, and I feel a thousand times better about everything since I got to tell her myself how I have nothing but the best intentions for Little One. I even showed them a couple pictures of Kiddo as well.
Yes, she is crazy and hasn't told Little One this man she married, moved them out of state with and is now divorcing is NOT her dad yet (and they have been separated since November of last year) but a court ordered visitation schedule is in place (we should have a copy by next week via snail mail) and he is going to see her for the first time in almost 3 years next week. That makes me cry a little, both from happiness that things are finally back on the right track and sadness for the time they have both lost.
Husband and Little One, the last time he saw her, September 2007
Yes, she is crazy and hasn't told Little One this man she married, moved them out of state with and is now divorcing is NOT her dad yet (and they have been separated since November of last year) but a court ordered visitation schedule is in place (we should have a copy by next week via snail mail) and he is going to see her for the first time in almost 3 years next week. That makes me cry a little, both from happiness that things are finally back on the right track and sadness for the time they have both lost.
Husband and Little One, the last time he saw her, September 2007
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