Revisions.

Most of the time, I appear to be a genuinely happy person. I have good friends, family and all that jazz but more so than not, I've got a lot of dark and twisty (Grey's Anatomy fans know what I'm talking about here) going on beneath the surface.

I have an insistent and neverending urge to worry and be constantly anxious about damn near everything around me. It's exhausting. It makes me crabby and one giant Negative Nancy when it surfaces, usually around events I have little to no control over. I feel like its my masochistic job to carry these worries around, constantly rolling over them in my head. It's ridiculous, yes, but telling me not to worry is like telling a dog not to bark. It's a waste of air.

So when I wrote this post last week, I was in full dark and twisty mode. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, I was anxious and worried to say the least.

Over the weekend, I had a talk with my husband about everything and I finally got how he is feeling about all of this out of him. And the weight seems a little less heavy and I seem a little less worried.

The I don't want babies of my own thing is a lot more complex than ever....and I'm trying to figure out the best way own it, and not let it bother me when people try and tell me, "oh that could/will change blah blah blah" because I'm going to hear it for the next 20 years. And I'm already sick of explaining myself. In a few years I can just start lying and saying I can't have kids...that should shut people up a bit faster on the subject.

Maybe if I can get over my own issues from childhood (try being chubby with gigantic early 90's glasses, frizzy hair AND a speech impediment and NOT coming out scarred) I may want to procreate, but right now, the thought of creating a little person to possibly go through what I did just seems wrong.

Contrary.

I am full of giant contradictions.

I am bothered by how there are two women in this world who have something with my husband that I do not have. Plus its something I don't think I want. I won't even try to explain this...because I don't even understand it. I try to not think about it often, but with Little One finally coming back into the picture, it is hard not to right now.

I love my step-daughters ferociously, more than I think my husband realizes, or even thinks is possible since, you know, I've always said I don't want kids...how could I possibly love someone else's so much? That answer is easy: they are his and I love him more than anything else, so in my world, that means I have the same feelings towards them. They are part of who he is. That part is simple to me.

I want to be strong and be an unfaltering support system to him as we go through this head on, but that is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I don't feel strong. I have so many worries and anxieties about all of this and I have my own amazing support system, but it is pretty much an unprecedented situation to them as well as me, so its frightening.

I feel like I'm allowed to be emotionally invested with these kids on certain levels but not all, (not that it has stopped me, because it hasn't) I get the feeling I'm not supposed to have any say in any of this, but I'm allowed to bathe, clothe, feed, hug, play with etc. Most people would not see this as a bad thing, but I feel like since I am a presence in the life of this child, a legally acknowledged presence that will be there every step of their lives, all the milestones and I'm allowed to do many of the day to day parenting why can't I be part of things more?

***

When you are the other woman, (the childless other woman in my case) in a situation like this, its so hard to sit back and watch someone tell your husband when he will and will not see his kid and not react to it. And to not tell him "that's bullshit" and that he needs to "try harder and do x,y, and z" even if he's done it a million times in the past and it doesn't get him anywhere. He really wants me to not react. That makes me worry he doesn't know me nearly as well as I thought he did. I'm feisty, and stubborn and I stand up for things when I feel like people are being wronged. He has been wronged a 1,000 times over when it comes to these girls and I hate that he has basically given up, because he learned when he went through this with Kiddo, the system doesn't care about the father, or his bills or life, just as long as he pays that precious child support.

We're going to make it through this, and hopefully he will see Little One again and we'll come out on the other side wiser and stronger but its going to be hard and right now, the high road has never seemed longer or more unattainable to me.

Post Secret steal.

via Post Secret. Happy Belated Monday (aka Tuesday of a four day work week).

Parenting (or lack thereof)

Here's a tidbit of common sense: If you can not/do not want to take care of your kids, DO NOT HAVE THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE. If you are in a situation that involves an unplanned pregnancy when you are 15, 16, 17 years old, you know your options. There are so many people in this world willing to adopt your baby because they can't have their own who can give them the love and attention they deserve.

***

My oldest step-daughter's (Kiddo) mom drives me crazy. She makes me blind with rage and emotion and all my husband does is shrugs his shoulders and tells me there's no point in getting upset and that he has been dealing with her for 10 years now. He has created a very tough armor against her (even though about twice a year, she cracks him and he gets really upset, when this happens, I have a very strong desire to physically harm her, something I've never felt before) which I have yet to form. Plus I am a woman. I am emotional by default of my wiring. I may not have my own children nor do I plan on ever having them, but I love my step-daughter dearly. I feel like she is getting shafted in the Momma department, big time.

Her mother doesn't ever stay home with her when she is sick, her mother calls Husband or her mom to stay home with her (Husband is always more than willing to do so, but its the blatant fact that she doesn't want to have to use her time off work), she doesn't take her to any of the activities we are constantly asked for money for (on top of the child support my husband pays), she doesn't feed her breakfast in the mornings nor does she make sure she brushes her teeth at night. She's 8 years old, you have to tell them to do that! Once a week Kiddo spends the night with her maternal grandparents and every other weekend she is not with us in the summer, she spends it with them, regardless of where her mother is.

Whenever we try and plan things to do with Kiddo, she is difficult. She makes plans during our weekends on a constant basis. She took Kiddo out of school two weeks AFTER spring break, for an entire week to take her to DisneyWorld. This kept her out of town on one of our weekends, and next week they leave to go to Florida for a second vacation that will be over another one of our weekends.

I really wanted to plan a day trip to a local amusement park for the Monday after Father's Day weekend, thinking it would be so fun for Kiddo to spend a Friday-Tuesday with us, then Husband reminded me her Mom's brother's wedding is Father's Day weekend, so we probably won't see her at all.

It's so frustrating. I wish we could all get along like adults. I truly do, but that is definitely not the case with her. I wish she gave Kiddo the attention she deserves. I never, ever want anyone to think I am trying to replace her mom, I mean, its her mom! I just want her to be happy and healthy, neither of which I feel her mother is contributing to, besides buying her expensive gifts and "taking" her on expensive vacations (her parents paid for DisneyWorld and her husband's parents are taking them to the beach next week)

I could just scream.

Life Happenings.

My life in pictures as of late.

I'm still obsessed with my niece...seen here on Mother's Day....

Bff was a GORGEOUS bride who made lots of people cry many times on the 15th (myself included)...

I rocked the dress and had the skinniest day of my life (as seen above)....

Later I rocked it (quite literally) after many-a-drink from the open full bar...

The day after the wedding Kiddo got to meet her newest cousin...

Who we may see again this Sunday (most likely arriving like pictured above)

Yay for life.

God and Stuff.

I grew up Catholic. I went to mass every Sunday for the first 18 years of my life. I went to private Catholic school for the first 3 years and then I went to Monday evening religion classes until confirmation in the 8th grade. Ash Wednesdays I went to church at 6am before school and then walked around with a dirty forehead (until high school where I would rush to the closest bathroom to wash it off). Midnight Mass was just another part of our Christmas Eve.

Somewhere along the line I ended up in a Methodist youth group since all my friends attended. Then in college, as an Anthropology minor I sort of gave up on the whole religion thing, because really, scientifically, it doesn't make sense to me. The simple fact that many religious people believe the Earth is a mere 6000 years old and people lived to be hundreds of years old in biblical times kills me. There is scientific evidence of our Earth's long history and human lifespan is 120 max, and it was even shorter without western medicine.

But I digress....

I have been throwing around the idea of starting to go to mass again every week at the Catholic church in the small town I live in. To me there is something comforting about mass. It's weird I know, but I was recently at a Catholic wedding and I sort of miss being at church. I mean, more than half my life I went every week. It was just a part of things to me back then. I found it so amusing to NOT do anything on Sundays when I first moved out of my parents house, but now, I'm a bit older and I miss it. I like the excuse to wear a dress. Plus having to just sit and be still for 45 minutes of the week would probably not hurt me any.

Am I finding some old faith in a higher power that I lost somewhere along my way? Probably not. Does a lot of me wanting to go back have to do with my Niece (Baby M) needing at least one active Catholic godparent in order to be baptized in the church? A little. But I also feel like that is just giving me a push in the direction I was heading anyways.

I don't know how the Catholic Church will feel about my reasons for returning (I am also VERY curious to see how Catholic mass in a very liberal community I currently live in compares to what I experienced growing up) but isn't the whole Christianity (yeah, Catholics are Christians, just not all Christians are Catholics) thing about being forgiving and loving everyone? At least that is what I always thought....

People.

They are generally assholes, self-serving assholes. I know this to be fact, but I still let myself care too much and I let myself trust when really I should have known better.

I am cursed with my heart on my sleeve and a vain hope that people can change and people are good.

That's not how it really is and I know it. Hopefully, I will be wiser from this point on.