Mondays.

I have a case of them. Working two Saturdays in a row blows. It wouldn't be so hard if I didn't work 8 to 5 every day the week before. Can't wait to sleep in this coming weekend.

All I shall say about the previous post: I couldn't be more right about how this wedding business is the problem, not our relationship. The marriage part isn't making us argue, just the day we make it official. He actually brought up talking to his mom about all the things we need to talk to her about when he goes to lunch with her today. And I have "let go" of the fellas attire. I told him it is all up to him, because I trust him and I'm not going to worry about it anymore.
We are good...never perfect, but hey who is?

I def. ate my feelings Saturday and Sunday though...drank some of them Saturday night as well. Why can't I be one of those people who get sick to the stomachs and can't eat when they are stressed? If it was purely a relationship arguement, I wouldn't want to eat, but just run of the mill stress over the wedding and money, that causes me to binge.

I suck at being healthy...I'm always just a Big Mac away from cracking. Oh well. You only live once, right? Although probably not nearly as long eating Taco Bell and pizza...

...

(editor's note: I had typed about my few short relationships before Fiance, but decided they don't even matter, cause it's in the past)

fast-forward to 2005.  I was bored with the single life.  Dating a bunch of guys since the break up who I knew were no good for me led me to a particularly bad guy which made me hang up the reins for a while.  Then along comes Fiance.

Things have been so different with us.  We took things so slow in the beginning I can't believe I had the patience for it....all I could tell my friends was, "its so different with him than how it was with anyone else" blah blah blah.  We didn't see each other much so we appreciated the time together so much more.  All his baby related drama has never really been an issue for me, I want him including all the stuff that entails him.

So, my point I have finally arrived at...if our relationship was so different in the beginning...so great and shiny and we never fought about anything and all that jazz....how come we have fallen into the same problems all relationships have?  Okay, wait, I know the answer to that...its normal, thats what happens, but I have to point out, things were better before we were officially engaged.  Its this fucking wedding.  Not the fact that we are getting married.  The whole lifetime together part of the bargain doesn't cause us any strife, its August 29 that is causing all the problems.

Ever since we got engaged things have sort of gone to shit in my eyes.  Not the fundamentals of our relationship...we love each other and are going to be together and that is the bottom line, but all of the sudden, the way we talk to each other has mutated into something I don't like.  I don't feel like he knows me at all sometimes...like we have the same argument and he can't just take me at face value and realize I'm flawed and not tell me to stop worrying and be sort of stand offish about it, but hug me and tell me its okay.  Oh and that NOT fighting a lot in the beginning is biting us in ass because we aren't seasoned in it yet....I'm not used to it and most of the time, it just makes me cry....more because I'm angry than sad, but sometimes its both.

He (STILL) doesn't seem to get how all the stupid fucking wedding related stuff is all on me.  I haven't done anything for it in two weeks, including talking about it and he jumped all over me about wanting to go to the tux place just to get prices.  And he acts like a fucking 5 year old kid "well how long is it going to take" and sighs and acts like I'm making him go with me to a book club meeting full of women who all happen to be on their periods (I'm not even in a book club, and if I was, he wouldn't be invited, but you get what I'm saying.)

I let it go today.  Whatever the men are wearing that is.  I told him I done with it, and he can figure it out himself since he made it clear he wants a say in what he wears early, but now when I want to get it taken care of when we have nothing else going on, he gets his panties in a bunch about it.

We should have fucking eloped.

I hate wedding planning.

It's 2009: What are you doing with your life?

I submitted a rambling piece of writing to a blog http://portraitsofaneconomy.blogspot.com/ which is addressing how the current state of our economy (for lack of better words) sucking is effecting them. (side note: you should check it out, people from all over the country are writing in with all kinds of different stories...mine is the only Ohio one to date...and probably the one with the worst grammar) Ever since then, I've been thinking about my life as a whole and wondering how such an insanely interesting person as myself (ha) got stuck behind a desk, working 40 hours a week at a mostly boring, sometimes frustrating job.

What do I really want to do with my life? Or at least if I do end up working in higher education for the next 30 years (def not at the institution I'm at now...holy jesus, I'd lose my mind), can't at least have awesome hobbies to counteract my seemingly normal day job? Please??

Asking myself these questions makes me realize I'm a grown up now and I decide my hobbies and what I do with my time when I'm not working hard for the money.

I tend to dream more than I do...I want to do a yoga class at this studio that is literally 3 doors down from where I live, but I still haven't signed up. I would love to take an art or pottery class, even though I'm thoroughly un-artistic, but I love to learn an am willing to try. I need to get a kitty in my life before I end up thinking I want to have a baby some day and then having one and remembering all the reasons I have ALWAYS been against reproducing (mostly the whole being in charge of shaping a person's pysche freaks me out....along with my chubby and horrible eyesight genes cursing the poor thing with a childhood filled with hurtful words from little snot-nosed bastards...I've come a long way, but still carry those scars).

I consider myself assertive....but it seems like things that I want to do for myself always fall to the wayside but don't get the wrong idea thinking I'm some martyr. As soon as I get the least bit stressed due to trying to make everyone else happy, I crack and usually get mean and bitchy when I realize I'm unhappy.

I guess the bottom line here is I need to get a life. Sure I have friends, teeny-bopper book series (don't get my started on the Twilight series, I may never shut up) and my slowly growing addiction to cyber-space, but I think I need to start living my Ohio life a little bit more for me.

Negative Nancy

I was not in a happy place when I woke up today...and it has taken me until now to pep-talk myself out of it.

I sometimes wonder if I need to go talk to someone about all of this anxiety I have. Is medication the answer? I really don't know. I always thought of things this way: everyone has their issues, and it all depends on how you deal and I work to deal with mine every day. Some days go better than others, but lately there have been a lot of angsty, sad and worried days. Maybe its the nupitals, maybe its the fact that I'm finally out of school and going to be 25 this year and don't really like my job. Or maybe its all of this. Or none of it.

Whatever it is, I am exhausted from dealing with said issues. I have all these constant worries that I can't get out of my head. Ranging from money, to health, to relationships to family...just about every aspect of my life. Mostly they are things I cannot control....or that I try to control and fail miserably.

Maybe I need a happy pill. Maybe I need a drink, but whatever the case is, I need something I'm not getting to help me not be such a cranky bitch so often.

Crafty time.

Thank goodness I have people who love me enough to help!
The two types of centerpieces:

They will each have three tea lights around them as well....estimated total cost for materials to make 7 of each: $50

My bouquet:

I'm very proud to share I found these little wreaths at Micheals that we took apart and are the orange and green and brown stick thingies...I may not be able to assemble things, but I had a vision and my sister's friend executed it for me.

The girls bouquets all look like this:

They have gold sparkly swirly things sticking out of them, just hard to see in pictures. Estimated total cost of bouquets, man-flowers and corsages for moms and the two g-mas: $50

I purchased the after-wedding vacation airfare yesterday. Two people flying from Ohio to Orlando, nonstops both ways: $354.40. Thank you Airtran. Oh and we don't have to sit by strangers. It was $24 extra dollars, but I think it was very well spent...and I get the window cause Fiance doesn't care, woo!

I revised the ceremony wording a bit and outlined the processional and recessional as well as made a rough outline for the reception. I think I may have the most organized DIY wedding ever. Thank you slight OCD tendencies. The ceremony still isn't perfect, but I'm going to show it to Fiance soon and see what he thinks.

I'm actually getting things done, woo-hoo.

self-medicate.

I think I might have the half bottle of wine in my fridge for dinner tonight.

I can't seem to EVER feel like I have control over our finances. All I do is worry about all the different payments...even though we ALWAYS pay everything on time and even have a bit left over sometimes. Which that will probably change with my $363 a month loan payment beginning next month.

I just don't want this constant state of worry anymore. I have an unconventional wedding to worry about...that is enough for one chica.

I wish I had some cash...I'd buy a lotto ticket on the way home if I did.

Monday.

Ohio is known for its insane weather and it is living up to its reputation lately. So warm and nice for two days last week and now its frigid again but supposed to be 60 degrees by Friday. If I don't get pneumonia I might get to enjoy the warm days this week.
All that crap about the cold being more annoying as you get older is so true as well. It makes my knees ache. Probably not a good sign at 24 to have achy joints. Its like I'm 24 going on 65. Everytime I talk about the weather I can't help but remember one of my professors telling me how she thinks it is a midwestern thing. She lived in the Southwest for a long while and it was one of the first things she noticed when she came to Ohio...just a regional difference she observed.
They probably don't talk about it because the weather doesn't vary too much in the Southwest, so there isn't much to discuss. Or because we're all farmers in the midwest so we care about the weather more. Riiiiiight.

Unrelatedness: Today when I woke up I was having a dream about the wedding invites. I was freaking out because they were white, and like most other things related to the wedding, I'm subbing ivory for white....I'm working with earthy, warm colors and white just doesn't fit into that for me.

The most annoying thing about these random wedding -related dreams is I have them about things I've already taken care of. We have all the materials for the invites. My sister gave me 50 blank ivory with response cards left over from hers and then she found the ones we liked from Target on clearance for $12.50 and bought them for me and then refused to let me pay her back. Since Fiance is a graphic designer, he's going to create something for the blank ones and format the designed already ones and they are taken care of.

I can not seem to fully wake today. I've had the coffee but I still feel like a cranky kindergartener ready for nap time...where's my blankie, I need to go night-night.