Credit needs to be given

Saturday, while we needed a time waster for his car to get an oil change, we went to look at rings. At first he said, "no, I don't want to look until I save up some money" but then I pointed out he doesn't even know how much money he needs to save and he couldn't argue. Plus I reminded him it is only looking and nothing will be bought because I do not want to be with him when he picks it out.

So I picked three. One of which he actually found in the jewelry case and I really liked. Now he will pick one (hopefully not by price, but by how much he thinks I will like it) and it is all up to him as to when.

He couldn't have made up for what happened last week any better.

Yay.

I pick my battles...

So yesterday...my lovely bf (of almost three years) basically told me his band is more important than our wedding date....this is the man who wants to buy a house with me...who lets me help him pay his bills, and let me help him buy his car. And it may have been me misinterpreting things, but this is (basically) how it went:

me: "so I looked up OSU's schedule for next fall (yes, I am being kind enough to schedule around OSU football in order to have my wedding in the fall like I want) and they play New Mexico State on October 31 so I doubt it will be an 8pm game, so how do you feel about getting married on Halloween?"
him: "Halloween is a busy time for shows, and I don't want my anniversary that day because then I'll have to turn down shows because its my anniversary."
me: "The 31st isn't always going to be on a Saturday"
him: "well it will be once every seven years" (he said this being completely serious)
me: "so you'll have to turn down a show on Halloween once every seven years...so what?"
him: *ROLLS HIS EYES AT ME* and goes on to say something like, it just shouldn't be on any holiday because people have family stuff........all I can think is....most of the people at the wedding are going to be FAMILY. Plus I've never, ever had a family tradition on halloween, or even known a family to have one.

At this point, I say something along the lines of...I don't want to talk about this anymore because it doesn't even matter because we aren't even engaged. Plus he hurt my feelings but I didn't want him to know that. So I get real quiet and fight the tears and try and not be mad, because if I get mad, he won't feel bad, he'll just be frustrated and mad as well. And I'm way more hurt than mad anyways.
So I get online and I delete my offbeat bride tribe account...and the subscription to the Knot website as well (I didn't use that one much anyway....it overwhelmed me) and I am refusing to talk about it until there is a ring on my finger. I'm going to try my hardest not to think about it either. Then I volunteer to walk the movie we have out from the library back just to get away from him.

I will give him this: he works for a crappy company that is owned by really old, rich, republicans and they refuse to turn on the furnace until the end of November or something to save on money, and he spent the whole day freezing and said he felt like he was getting a cold. Plus a guy he works with, who had been there for 3 or 4 years got fired for financial reasons and that bummed everyone out. So I could have chose a better time when he was in a better mood to bring it up, but still....

If he brings up house buying again, I'm totally shutting him down on it. If we aren't in a financial place for him to be able to afford a ring, we have no business making such a huge investment. And just the fact that he doesn't seem to be making an effort to even go window shopping for them with me pisses me off. I've told him 4 or 5 times now, we need to go look and get an idea of price before anything else but I doubt he has ever heard me.

So I'm pretty sure he knows I'm upset. I cried a little when we went to bed and turned away from him and he rubbed my back without me asking (which he NEVER does).

I just wish he would hurry up and propose. I've definitely put in my time :)

I have too much time on my hands.

Today at work I have:
-found every house in town in (what I think is) our price range for buying and made a tidy list including address, price and number of bedrooms/bathrooms.
-found (the more realistic option) a spacious 2 bedroom apartment closer to downtown for not much more than we are paying now. I'm going to call the guy tonight for serious, and ask him one determining question: does it have a bathtub?
-found two realistic locations for our wedding. No, we still aren't officially engaged, but we might as well be. I felt weird researching things at first, since there is no ring on my finger, but it is only a matter of time (and money) until it is and I don't want to spend ions of time planning, so I might as well know what I want early.
-updated my offbeat bride tribe profile.
-checked MySpace a zillion times.
-visited Facebook a few times as well.
- I have NOT however, done much significant work. Not that I am complaining...I'm just worried one of these days they are going to bust me doing very little and realize they are paying all this money for me to organize my life on their time.

Oh well. I'm thinking over time, things may get busier, but who knows.

ick. ack. eck.

Do you ever have days where you are just off?

I imagine something is wrong in somewhere in world, or even the universe, and for some reason, its affecting me. I just feel bad, very unhappy and blue. I can't seem to talk myself out of it like usual. I know it will pass, but damn, it sure does make things annoying in the mean time.

Oh and it doesn't help that I am already stressing a smidgen about the wedding I haven't even been proposed for yet. That is probably the most of it. I'm getting impatient, and I can't start planning until he proposes and I honestly don't know when that will be.

Bleck!

Secrets, Secrets

I was killing some time today on postsecret.com and decided create my own little secret sharing blog for a couple reasons, mostly because I'm too lazy to create a post card to send to Frank Warren. So here are my secrets:

1. I have always said I never want kids. Suddenly I do and that freaks me out. A lot.
2. I don't think I will ever be happy with my body.
3. I lie when I say I'm not a jealous person.
4. I am sort of obsessed with my long time boyfriend's life before me, even though it included two crazy (ex)girlfriends and baby mama drama.
5. I worry about things to the point of making myself sick.
6. I am genuinely uncomfortable around elderly people, and because of this, I'm terrified of my parents growing old.
7. I sure I've found my soul mate, and if he thinks I'm not a little scared of getting married, he's very wrong.
8. I hope I am never confronted by her, because I've never been in a fist fight, and she would probably kick my ass, but I would go down swinging.
9. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up here....seriously.
10. I still want to take a trip to Europe all by myself, I just don't think it will ever happen.

So there are my dirty little secrets. If anyone reads this and wants to share, go for it.

Life as I know it.

The world is falling apart, literally due to global warming and figuratively due to wars and ignorance.  Our country is in its worst place economically than it has been in decades.  The leaders of our so called "great nation" don't give a shit about my twentysomething woes.  These include being barely able to pay my bills, put gas in my car and have one night at my friends having drinks.  All that matters to them is how much money they are making.

I have completely lost my direction in life beyond paying my bills and getting through each painfully long work day to come home, sit my ass on the couch for a few hours and then try and get some sleep.  But when I sleep, I dream of the things I think about all day long....money, the future, finding a job etc to the point that I can't even get away from things when I'm asleep anymore.  I wake up exhausted.  Woe is fucking me.

I told myself a long time ago I would never feel this sorry for myself again.  I know it doesn't help anything.  It didn't help me back then and I know it won't help me now.  It is just very hard to be me lately.  I don't feel like myself.  Probably due to the whole "I have NO clue what to do with my life" thing.  But what do I know?  I have one pointless higher education degree and I'm pretty close to having another.  What I am supposed to do with them is a huge mystery to me.  It is almost as if something derailed me along the way and now I am stuck.  Oh thats not a tough one: I fell in love.

All my plans I had for after college were single, independent-me plans.  While I may still be independent, I haven't been single in well over two years.  I can not see myself spending the rest of my life with anyone else I just feel like there is so much more I need to do before the rest of my life starts, like figuring out exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I have never been very good at living in the moment.  I used to tell myself I could change this but its pretty apparent that isn't going to happen at this point.  I need to plan things.  It gives me control.  *le sigh......what is a girl to do when she is a planner without a plan?

People.

Some people really just bust by balls, drive me up the wall.  These include, but are not limited to:

Girls that try too hard to be everything to everyone.  Its impossible so quit while you are ahead.

Girls who are complete drunken whores.  Have some goddamn self-respect.  Its one thing to drink and have a good time, its another to be known as the drunk and/or easy one.

Basically, girls who are any of the following: crazy, melodramatic, complete idiots when it comes to dealing with guys, uber bitches all the time for no reason and those who think they are god's gift to the human race.  Get over yourself and realize no one is perfect, not even you with your orange-glo tan, ridiculously overpriced handbag w/matching wallet and designer sunglasses.  There is more to life than material possessions, they do not make you who you are, unless, I suppose you are shallow and vain.

People that are friends with you when its convenient for them.  Also known as people who call you up to tell you every detail of their relationship/life happenings but when you try and talk, they immediately zone out and then revert to talking incessantly about themselves.  I've had so many of these in the past two years....those who I still talk to on a pretty regular basis are the good people in my life, the rest of your I could have done without.

People (mostly seen done by girls...see a pattern forming?) who are sooooooo happy with their lives they can't help but tell you by updating their myspace/facebook/AIM status 20 times a day saying how much they love their life.  If you love it so much, let it show, don't blatantly tell people....unless that's what it takes to convince yourself your so fucking happy (?)

Christians who refuse to even acknowledge other spiritual preferences as equal to theirs.  Fucking elitists.

Bad drivers.  Go back to drivers education classes.

Sometimes a girl just needs an old-fashioned bitchfest blog.