Change....or not.

The idea of change is complex when you really start thinking about it. Its something that some people fear, some people embrace, and even some people seek out in life.  I used to say I loved changes, something about the mystery of the unknown gave me this rush unlike anything else.  Then I experienced some changes that weren't so fun...heartbreak, people dying that I actually knew and loved, friendships fading and all the other realities you can't really learn about being a major part of adulthood until you are living it.

Now, there have been some positive changes I've experienced too. They have helped to make me a much better person inside and out. Most of these are changes I made happen. They weren't easy by any means, and sometimes I wonder what if I never would have decided to change in the first place. Where would I be....and more importantly who would I be? Most likely a different person than the one typing this.

I've never consciously decided to not change something I had good reason to; something which would better me as a person (besides the whole nicotine addiction; thats a whole other story though) and it seems as though I've encountered someone convinced they cannot change; even though it would better them, due to past experiences. I think this is complete bullshit.  

I'm a firm believer that if you want to change you can.  You decide how and who you are in life. No one else....no matter how shitty someone treated you or how bad it scarred you. I've been treated pretty shitty by a number of people (I could probably count them on both hands, but still) but I am still the best person I can be, at least in my opinion, but I suppose that is a bit biased.  

So it goes.

I had an epiphany driving home tonight. Let's back up; I was talking to the significant other about how complicated life has become. Things never seemed to be this confusing and everything used to be so black and white. Now it appears to me, there are a lot of different shades of grey and nothing is very simple. Maybe this explains excitement over the little things ie: a cheap utility bill, getting gas for cheaper in the AM before it goes up in the PM the very same day etc...

The more complicated one's life becomes, the more excited small doses of happiness can make them. (side note: when it all boils down, it depends on your disposition if you are going to let the small stuff matter or not) This makes sense to me...when your stress level is keeping you up at night, you'll take anything you can get to be happy about.

I feel as if I am a gerbil running on its spinning wheel and I can't get off.  I want to, I'm tired of running but the damn thing is going so fast.  Momentum is all that is keeping me going.

Man, I'm tired.

Here we are.

There comes a moment when you really realize you are getting older. Its always something relatively mundane that shouldn't excite you, but for some reason it does. For example, the natural gas company bill came, and it was only $100. I am 23 years old and this was the high point of my Tuesday.  As soon as the elation subsided, I laughed to myself about it, but that's when it hit me: Here we are, twentysomethings and already excited about a reasonable utility payment. Its all downhill from here.