Pause.

Apartment Makeover has come to a standstill for various reasons:

1. I'm busy....like, reeeeeally busy for the next two months.

2. We are (like always) tight on money which isn't anything new, but its way easier to plan and execute when money is not a part of the equation.

3. I can't seem to decide what to do first...I keep jumping from room to room in my head and since I can't choose where to start, I choose to not start anything. (Lame I know)

4. I want to do the (awful) task of re-organizing our filing system for bills/mail before I do anything else, but I can't seem to force myself into doing so. This, in turn, effects our "land strip" area which would make me SO happy to clear out the clutter from. It is the first place I see when I get home and the last place I look when I leave..but still hasn't happened. Le sigh.

5. I've been feeling pretty.......overwhelmed by my own life choices lately*. Which is awful timing, since I'm so busy with two amazing and happy milestones of two amazing ladies in my life. This past weekend has proved I can at least push all my BS to the side when it counts the most since both showers were a hit (I had bridal on Saturday for bff and baby on Sunday for my best (only) sister. I am so ridiculously happy for both of them....I can't wait for wedding day for bff and birth day for sister.

I can't decide what is the best option to fix my job/career/go back to school dilemma, so much like choosing a starting point for redecorating the apartment, I choose to do nothing**. Which doesn't help me at all. Meanwhile, I'm stuck in this absolutely crap (besides the pay) job.

I've been channeling this mantra lately, along with plotting to buy a large print of it as soon as possible:
Cause, really, what else am I supposed to do?

*Strictly job/career related. My Husband is the one thing I know I chose correctly in life.
**Besides frantically search, on an almost daily basis, for another job I'm qualified for which pays about the same as what I'm making now. I've discovered I'm overpaid for my qualifications, or at least that's how it looks to me.

Ghosts.

I've only had one real heartbreak in my life. Then I dated a bunch of losers for short time spans, then I quit dating all together, then I met my husband. It's pretty cut and dry when it comes to my relationship past.

I always take pride in how relatively good our relationship has been and continues to be. No, it isn't perfect, but we really try to keep it on the good side of things. We haven't had a huge fight since we got married and to date we've only had a handful of serious arguments. We get along well.

Since things have been serious, I have had the same quasi-reoccurring dream. It is never the exact same situation, it usually varies as to what is going on with our lives at that given time, but it always ends with Husband telling me he's not happy and this is not working and he's leaving. It is always completely from left field and there is no discussion about things. Sometimes I realize it's a dream and sometimes I don't. Either way, it always leaves me with a very bad taste in my mouth when I wake up.

This is exactly how my one heartbreak went, many years ago, when I was a mere 19 years old. It sucked, but I recovered. I never really thought it scarred me all that much because with time I gained wisdom and often joke about how I don't even know what I was thinking dating him in the first place, let alone getting so in over my head about him. I guess I should give the break up more credit, since it's still haunting me, periodocially through really vivid, awful my-husband-is-leaving-me-for-no-reason dreams.

I had a very, very busy weekend, with my bff's Bridal Shower on Saturday and my sister's Baby Shower on Sunday. I found out this morning I slept walked last night, which I've only done once or twice in my whole life, I was very tired to say the least. When I woke up, I decided it was a good idea to sleep a bit longer and come into work around 10 or 11. It's Spring Break and my head boss is out for the week, so not a big deal. Husband left about 8:30, coming in and saying goodbye with a kiss and then I snuggled up with the kitty and went back to sleep.

When I woke up at 9, I was crying hysterically and truly thought my husband had moved out, since you know, he wasn't in bed with me which he usually is when I go to work on time, which I had completely forgotten I called in late to work. It was awful. The dream was so vivid, and it took place in our apartment, with him talking about things that have been going on in our lives as the reasons he had already found an apartment to rent in the town where he works and his parents and sister were there to help him move....it was bad.

Now I can't get it out of my head...thus the annoying re-telling that just occurred. My silver lining is I got to listen to the BBC Newshour on NPR on the way into work....oh and its really quiet around here as well.

Songs I love.

Letter.

Dear Little One,

You are not so little anymore. You'll be four years old on July 5! You will always be the younger daughter; the second daughter, but you will always be your father's daughter. Today your paternal grandma (your daddy's mommy) who hasn't seen you in almost 3 years either, is meeting you and your mother for lunch. I hope you like her and I hope your grandma can talk some sense into your mother. We want to see you so badly.

Your daddy wants to be in your life even though the circumstances and events over the short time you've been on this planet have kept him from doing that. I want you to know he is a good person, and he tried to do what was right, even though some people made that very difficult for him. I want to be your step-mommy, too. I remember the first night your daddy had you over night. I don't think I'd ever been around a baby that small in my life and I remember thinking, "wow you are so tiny and pink."

I remember the last time I saw you. We were at your paternal grandparents house, with your older half sister (aka Kiddo) and her cousin. You were a bit fussy after eating and wouldn't go down for a nap. So I held you until you fell asleep. I didn't know that was the last time I would see you, and I think about that day often while I wonder how you have changed and grown since then.

We can't change the past and we'll never get back the 2 1/2 years we've missed, but hopefully in the near, near future we can start over and be a part of your life (and you a part of ours) in a more permanent sort of way.

Lots of Love,

Your Step-Mommy.

Little One, date unknown, but more current than any photo we have. Sent from her mom, to Husband's mom.

Crazy-busy.

This past weekend I didn't get much apartment makeover type things accomplished because I was doing 10 million other things and driving all over the greater Miami Valley. Between Saturday and Sunday I did the following:

-gave a test for my work at our branch campus
-helped a friend move
-got a hair cut
-helped the same friend get settled since I have mad organizational skills and get some weird joy out of turning chaos into order.
- showered 2x on Sunday (really, I don't know how this fit in w/the time change and all)
-drove to hometown and:
-finished planning my best friend's Bridal Shower (which is THIS Saturday) and the Bachelorette in May
-Went to Target
-Visited my preggers sister at my mom's house, twice (once before Target trip, once after wedding-stuff planning)

This weekend has convinced me while I love driving a compact car the next time its car purchasing time, I would like something a bit more roomy. Claustrophobia can set in when you spend 50% of your weekend driving around in crappy weather. I would looooooooove the newly redesigned Honda Insight, but lets not get our hopes up.

I'm hoping to maybe at least get our bills organized into the expandable file I bought almost two weeks ago sometime this week. Other than that, I'm on Bridal/Baby Shower stand by, with both happening on Saturday and Sunday.

When did I get a life?

Home.

The apartment we currently call home is approximately 1200 Sq. ft. of living space consisting of two bedrooms, one bath with an open floor plan living/kitchen/dining area. Until last week, it was thought of by me as a temporary space we are on the verge of outgrowing. Due to various reasons, including fiscal and personal, we are not ready to buy a house so I'm on a mission to transform the home of all our crap into a home that is truly ours. My husband and I decided we don't like moving much, so until we can buy a house, we are staying put. Might as well get comfy, right?

Now, if you know me, you know I am slightly handicapped in the arena of designing anything. Clothes, home decor, arts and crafts, etc...but I am trying to make a true effort to change this. But I need help. That's where the interweb comes in. It is chock-full 'o goodies.

Most of the inspiration to begin this transformation of our rental into our home comes from reading about a friend's own decorating adventures over at Turn Right at Lake Michigan. While they are renovating their first home (something I don't even want to think about undertaking...they have bigger balls than I) there are many interior design topics that come up, and that's what I'm going for. If home ren-o is your thang or if you just like witty banter, check it out (yes, I just said thang, it wasn't a typo).

Apartment Therapy has proven to be an amazing source for inspiration so far as well. Here's a snapshot of what I likey from them.

For the bedroom:

I have a weak spot for trees/nature worked into design and I love the wall mounted dressing area for its space saving abilities.

For the living room:





I find myself loving clusters of things hung on walls. It reminds me of collages I used to make as a kid and since we have high ceilings in the living room, why not? I also am digging the t.v. stands that double as shelving/storage. And I will have a sectional couch like the one above even if we have to eat ramen noodles all summer long. It would be perfect for our living room, and since the couch seen here is awful, our first large purchase will be a sectional:

Kiddo doesn't judge us for our post-fire donated couch and although its functional and pretty comfortable, its very ugly. (ps-she read that chapter book in two sittings! She's a genius I swear and please ignore my hubby's scruffy do...he even admitted yesterday he's overdue for a cut)

For Ms. Kitty:
Even though I don't know where we would fit this, I thought it was so smart...it's an IKEA hack, consisting of a $60 cabinet and a $13 kitty door.

Again, all these (and more!) can be found at the amazing Apartment Therapy.

I am going to try to use updating this blog as motivation to keep re-working our space at home. I will admit I forgot to take before pictures when re-organizing the space right inside what we use as the main entrance, but here is the after, with a fabulous shoe rack I got on clearance at Target for $6.50: (I apologize for the crappy blackberry photo as well)

The wall crap needs a do over as well, but for now at least my shoes aren't the focal point of the space. Maybe by next time I'll have the table removed from what is now a reading nook near the deck doors to nowhere (that's a whole other post) and I'll share that space, or just some pictures of the apartment the weekend we moved in...since not much has changed since then...but that is about to...well, change.

Til next time.

Over?

What happened in February 2010? Did all the snow we received somehow speed up the space-time continuum or something? It seems like things went by really fast. March is so busy for me. Every weekend is a social commitment or a work one, or like the 13th, both when I am working in the morning, getting my hair (an extremely much needed)cut then helping a friend move.

The following weekend is my bridal shower/baby shower extravaganza in my hometown. I'm co-hostessing the bridal on Saturday and the baby on Sunday. Only I would have my best friend and my best (ie: only) sister getting married and birthing the first grandchild of our family in a one week time span in May. Hopefully little Miss Audrey (the favorite name thus far) takes after her mommy, uncle an aunt and comes two weeks early. My sister keeps telling me since she's high-risk (diabetic and 35, which is the starting point of "advanced maternal age" there's a term to make older mommies feel awesome!) it will be a c-section and scheduled, yay for modern medicine. Whenever she arrives, I will be there. I have a niece and nephews from marrying into them, but I was never around a lot for the itty bitty baby parts of them, plus my sister has wanted a baby for a long time, so I'm very excited for them as well.

It's going to be crazy, but I am looking forward to having so much going on again. Being busy doesn't leave time for me to dwell upon how unsatisfied I am with work/career related things. I'm stuck since I want to go back to school, to do something fulfilling and way different than what I do now, but I can't figure out how to pay for it. More student loans are not an option. So I'm trying not to dwell upon things while slowly jumping through the admission hoops in vain hope that once I'm interviewed/accepted I can get them to grant me a tuition scholarship. In a perfect world, right?

***
It stays light out a little bit later every night, and soon it will be consistently warm enough for me to walk in the evenings, something I think about doing every day, but the snow and cold temperatures keep me from. I don't think I've pined for Spring so hard in my entire life. The amount of time the snow has hung around this year compared to the last few seems never-ending so I think that may have something to do with things.

In total random news: I've been married 6 months. Craziness!